Again and again.

That girl he had a quick fling with was so much prettier than me. I worked with her for a while and always thought she was incredibly beautiful. And she still is. She had a quick fling with him. He says he didn't sleep with her but I really don't believe him at all. He said they just made out and once when she had been drinking things got out of hand and she ended up naked but that was it. He said she did not have a good body like me. I think he was lying the whole time. She quit and got another job. She also stopped seeing him and moved on with her life.

She was prettier than I am and she had the good sense to leave him alone. And so he moved on to me. When she was around I used to see them leave his office together. He used to go to drinks with her and probably texted her like crazy. And then when she wised up he moved on to me and now the scene was me and him walking out of his office for drinks and hanging out together.

And then I went a little withdrawn and he thought I was leaving him alone. So did I but he was wrong. And he got a replacement for me before he realized I was smitten. And so he was stuck. He had had sex with me but now he leaves his office with her and calls me when he's free.

And I'm the idiot who still has hope. What I'm hoping for i don't know. It destructive and I need him out of my life. I have been saying this for months and he has learned how to play on my stupidity. I am being rather daft. And I have no energy to save myself. So. I am hoping. I am beggin for this to stop without me doing anything because in my own strength i am never going to be free. So I really need him gone. I really need strength.

Ladies and Gentlemen..... I have Officially graduated College.

And now its time to search for employment. Lol. Oh dearie me.

The Christian Girl wins in the end...

The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. Romans 8:6-8

Lol. God is so funny. I feel really dumb now that I cussed and yelled and acted like a big baby. He didn't even wait a whole day to breakthrough. I suppose He was a little concerned at my losing my friggin mind.

I am so sorry I used such foul language and fouler imagery.I was in a moment, in a tizzy.

And then as I was getting ready to have dinner by myself in the cafeteria, I ran into a friend of a friend and she was..... I have no words.

Thank you. Again.

Your patience astounds me and I am humbled once again. This is good for me to go through this completely. So Thank you.

Deflated

I know I am supposed to be Christian. And the Christian girl in me is meant to prevail despite my shortcomings. But the Human-I-Just-Want-To-Kick-Your-Ass girl in me with the horrid potty mouth is winning over today.

I don't hate people. Usually. I do not wish ill on people despite what has transpired between us. I don't hate him but right this very moment I want to hate his fucking guts. I want him to burn in hell. The Christian in me wants to forgive, forget and be mature. But the other side of me wants to hate him with everything I have got.

I feel guilty for feeling this way but I have never in my life been through so much with one person that matters as much as a dung beetle. I am like dust to him, a mild irritant and it irritates me to the point of shaking that I was dust to him when he was a person to me. He is a fucking asshole and I really hate that he was ever a part of my life. I regret the day I met him and if I could take it all back, I honestly would in a heartbeat. I have shed tears over him. I have wasted time and money on him. I have degraded myself and made myself feel like shit because of him. I am not without blame, I take responsibility for my role in this but he does not.

Gorgeous Girl said God would deal with him and that one day God would show him the wrong he did. Bullshit. God is not listening to me anymore. I don't blame Him and I'm not mad. I am just realizing that God can not hear me. Even satan is in heaven right now, accusing men before God. In heaven. He has his coming to him but right now his ass is in heaven and I am in fucking hell.

My ego is hurt. I hate him. I hate him so much. I want him to disappear from my memory for good. I do not want to keep praying for him like I promised God I would. I do not want to be the nice Christian who blames everything on herself and thinks she has to make peace and make everything ok. Fuck him. He can go to hell for all I care. He can fucking rot in hell.

He is the biggest son of a fucking bitch I have ever met in my entire life.

And I am the biggest fucking moron. This is so old. And yet I'm still talking about it.

I am not the suicidal type, that is the stupidest thing anyone could ever do. But I do not want to live right now. I do not want to live if this is all I have to fucking look forward to. It's not worth it. None of it is fucking worth it and I give up. I am giving up because my life is in vain. It did not take one silly little relationship to make me like this. But it pushed me over the edge and all I have been wishing and hoping and waiting for is bullshit. My life is bullshit. My life is meaningless and worthless and I'm sorry Christian girl, your ass is losing big time. Just fucking give up now because you are weak and you have already lost. Why try anymore right?

Why try.

Anger. I am so angry. Hurt. I don't want to feel the hurt. I think I would rather the anger right now. I would rather the anger.

I hate my fucking existence. I want to fuck off and I don't care anymore. I do not care at all anymore.

What. The. Fridge.

From a Story by the New York Times:

by Mark Mazzetti

WASHINGTON, Dec. 3 — A new assessment by American intelligence agencies released Monday concludes that Iran halted its nuclear weapons program in 2003 and that the program remains frozen, contradicting a judgment two years ago that Tehran was working relentlessly toward building a nuclear bomb.

The conclusions of the new assessment are likely to reshape the final year of the Bush administration, which has made halting Iran’s nuclear program a cornerstone of its foreign policy.

The assessment, a National Intelligence Estimate that represents the consensus view of all 16 American spy agencies, states that Tehran is likely to keep its options open with respect to building a weapon, but that intelligence agencies “do not know whether it currently intends to develop nuclear weapons.”

Gee, where have we heard this one before? I am sitting here constantly worried that the U.S. is going to start bombing Iran and more importantly my family and all the while they are talking out of their bloody bums.

Bloody tossers.


Honestly.

Quotable

"Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command."

Alan Watts

Um...jokes?

Lol. So me and Movie Buddy have been friends for a bit now. I met him through Creepy Nigerian Guy and we just clicked.

At first I thought he was digging me which I didn't want because I was not. But then we just were buddies. We went to the movies together ever so often and it was fine.

So we've been locked in a "poking" war on Facebook and making silly jokes about the other kind of poking. Anyway, so far its been fun but now I am beginning to wonder if the fun is getting out of hand?

He sent me a couple of naughty gifts today. I don't think he's into me, we're just buddies. But....hmmn.

I thought we were just having a laugh. I hope we are. That would be rather tragic indeed. Lol.

Pride

I just spent my lunch break (well, part of it anyway) at a presentation of a trip a music class took this semester to Ghana to study culture and music. Apparently, Ghana is THE place in Africa where a lot of American music has gotten a lot of it's influence.

So I walk in the library parlor and see a bunch of white kids and their white teacher in traditional African dress. I am not being racist (says every racist BEFORE they say something racist. But that is truly not my intent) I just thought the contrast was a bit funny and giggled
to myself a bit as I walked in. As an African, I suppose I can be oversensitive to non-Africans talking about my continent. Call it what you will, I apologize if that makes me ethnocentric but I just automatically do that.

So I had my mind made up that they were going to talk about a load of bollucks, for lack of a better word. I was prepared for a lot of silly, over- or even under- exaggerated information on things no one cares about or to reinforce stereotypical ideas. But I was open enough to hear him out and have an open mind about it and try and beat my rogue thoughts into submission. And it's not so much the race thing as it was the foreigner thing. I feel a bit iffy whenever any foreigner tells his or her fellow foreigners about a far off country as if that one or six months they spent there taught them everything they need to know about a place. Thats just me.

But I was pleasantly surprised. Music truly is soul enchanting. Once those students began playing and the African rhythm came through I was seeing scenes of home flashing in my head and I was rather embarrassed that at some point I got slightly teary-eyed.

The music really touched me and it was through the music and not the lecture or the pictures, that I really understood what these people learned on their trip. They learned the beat of African culture and they learned the rhythm of the people. I realize that sounds horrid and corny but I really had respect for them and all they learned.

One thing that stuck out to me was the value of always knowing where you came from that is really important to Ghanaians. Sankofa is the name of the symbol I have up there and it really means "Go back and fetch it." I was really intrigued by that and it reinforced just how embedded my culture is in my life and how, despite the strange accents shifts and the Americanization in progress, I will always be African.

So it seems I had a life affirming moment at lunch today. Cheesy, but I enjoyed it. Well done to the band though, they were remarkable musicians and I have much respect for them.

Home Stretch

Always the hard one ey?

I am dog tired. Like, I want to lay on the ground with my tongue hanging out my mouth and pant, thats how tired I am. I have been up and down all day and I am tired yo.

Lol.

So I have a gazillion things to do in these last couple of weeks before I am thrust into the unknown.

Bugger.

I know this is supposed to be an exciting time for me but bollucks, I'm a bit worried is all.

Oh, steady on! I'll be fine. I will be fine. I'll be....fine. Oh bother.

Suck it up. Snap out of it.

Right. So here's the plan:

1. Get a job.

2. Get a fab (well, depending on my budget) new pad.

3. Get lovely friends who love me and hang out with me all the time. And who are single and struggling like me. I just might stab a coupled friend right now, lol.

4. Do well at job. Hmmn.

5.Get dosh and be able to have disposable income. Ha! Sorry, ahem.

6. Buy lovely big-girl clothes.

7.Find a sexy bloke to date and be mad for.

Scratch that.

7. Find a bloke to care for me.

Hmmn. That sounds rather desperate, scratch that again.

7. Find a hobby.

Ah.

The pressure is getting to me, I'm going rather bonkers.

Choices

Disclaimer: Another one of my rather dreary posts. Not as bad as before, but be warned nonetheless.

So I'm in that limbo right now what with graduation just a couple of weeks away and this whole episode with FB and all.

23. Rather young as they say. So why on earth do I feel incredibly old? Perhaps it is because I have been living as if I am on the brink of death or something. I am wasting away at 23 and I am almost desperate to change that.


Usually after a nasty episode with whatever bloke has swept in and tried to ruin your life, you turn to your friends for solace. I do find solace in the girls. Funny enough me and my closest girls are in a bit of the same boat at the moment. Gorgeous Girl just had a nasty break up with The Prick who basically told her to her face that all the times he said he loved her and that she was the one for him, he actually was lying to her face. He told her point blank, that she was his rebound and he didn't give a rip about her. Tragic really. I was shocked. I was really quite put out by that. Gorgeous Girl does not deserve that. She is the sweetest, kindest girl and she is so stunningly gorgeous it's distracting. She's the Halle Berry of the group and she has been my comfort for a while now because she knew what I was going through with FB and she was able to reassure me that my life was not in fact ending, just a really sucky section of it was ending.

Then we have Crazy Girl. Also rather pretty and really funny but unbelievably morbid these days. I thought I was bad but her tactic is "If you can't beat them, join them." She has decided that sleeping with guys she doesn't care about and using them because, and I quote "There are no good men out there" is the way forward. Hmmn. I dunno. She has become rather hostile towards God too. I mean, she isn't atheist or anything, but she has gotten a bit of a "who gives a rip" attitude these days. I understand, what with all the wrong blokes she's been unfortunately involved with of late. I feel rather bad for her because she is looking so hard for Mr. Right and ending up with Mr. Stupid McHorny Balls.


Best Friend has had a time of it with men of late. Really horrible experiences that make me rather guilty that my little tit with FB got me all in a tizzy. And then Non-Gay Lover told me last night that she has just now gotten over a guy she has been in love with for 7 years. 7 bloody years!!! Oh my goodness.

So there is solace in the fact that I am not alone and that for every sickeningly happy couple or engaged couple or married couple that I know, I do have those who are sort of thrown to the sidelines just like me. Yay for camaraderie, lol.


The only thing is my girls are not here. I am rather lonely in this little city of mine. I failed at making good friends here because I was busy or whatever bloody excuse I come up with. Lol. So going out for a night on the town with the girls and getting sloshed is out. My apartment is rather miserable and I admit all I do in there is lay on the bed and watch the telly. I wonder how I'm not suffering from bedsores. I spent all of Friday and Saturday in bed which I have never really done and hope I never to do again. I wasn't particularly depressed or anything, I just had no drive to get out of bed and do anything. Quite tragic really.

Ok, I am getting away from myself again. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still smarting from rejection. Its always been there but now it smarts worse than ever. And I have no girls to rally round me, at least not in person. I am ready for a fast forward. This part of life blows and I want to be past it already.

God, I'm dying to be happy already. Something better go well because right now here's how it tallies:

1. No man
2. No prospects of a man AT ALL.
3. No plan for after Graduation i.e. no job. Currently: crap part time jobs.
4. No close buds to take me out and drown my sorrows with.
5. No family around me (as in my family)
6. Dodgy hair. Really dodgy hair. Partly due to #7.
7. No money. Due to #3.
8. No fun hobbies or anything.
9. Crap clothes in my closet. Due to #3 and #7.
10. Crap apartment and no car.

Right. This has to change. Quickly.

But right now I have billions of assignments to catch up on so Ciao! and hopefully next post is a bit happier.

Finally, the chapter ends.

I told him. Exactly how I felt. I apologized and told him about the feelings I had for him. We both knew it but it was finally said out loud. And that brings us to the end.

I'm going to be ok. Now that I have confessed, I feel I can move on. No longer uncertain or hopeful or unsure. Things are straight between us. I know now he is going to have pity in his eyes for me. And he is not going to know how to handle me. But I don't care. I have moved on and I am glad. I am not going back and forth again because I have gotten what I needed. The acceptance that I am alone right now, and its ok. I have things to do and look forward to and I can focus again.

I screamed at God yesterday. I told Him I felt like I was free-falling through life.

And he answered me with this and with peace. I am not letting this drag me down or consume my thoughts anymore. I don't quite believe how much time I spent on this. I am beginning to get pieces of me back and I couldn't be happier. It'll be weird but I am not clinging anymore. I am not looking forward to the hard days of emotional remission, but I am looking forward to this being another chapter in my life that was closed.

It has come to an end. Finally.

I feel like dancing.

Confession

He is ignoring me. He is not responding in the least and I am impatient. I want to know what he is thinking but I have come to a decision.

I just need to get things off my chest. That is all I want from him. I know he already knows this but I want to tell him that I lied when I said I didn't have feelings for him. I do. I lied when I said I was ok. I was not. I lied every time I acted like I was ok with him not feeling anything for me but friendship. I wasn't. Yes I have thought about him as more than a friend. I was weak and gave in to the fantasy of me and him. I know we could not work. I know it's isane for me to think we might have had a chance. I know.

I tried with everything I have to make the feelings go away and I failed. Yes I do get jealous and yes I do get lonely. And more importantly, yes I know he does not feel the same way. He never did and he never will.

I just want us to finally have it said, out in the open. No more hiding the truth we are both so aware of because the silence is deafening.

This could be the end and I just want it to end in honesty. I fell for a friend and I pushed him away because the rejection freaked me out.

Am I wrong for wanting him to know? Am I beating this thing too hard? Why can't I just let go and move on? I know I can get past this but I want things out in the open. I just wonder if it will do any good.

Don't read this. It's just the same old shit.

We just had a major blow out and he told me he would leave me alone. It was what I have been wanting. Well, not wanting but what I thought I needed but now I feel really weird. He was serious this time and he even asked me if I had feelings, deep feelings for him. That was the bit that hurt the most. When he asked me it was like all the unsaid things that have ever existed between us came flooding out in the silence. I was silent for a little while. Then I said no. He knew I was lying. I knew he knew. And then he just said goodbye and cut me off. And that was that. He said he gave me what I wanted.

I don't feel any better. I know its gradual but the way I feel now is horrible. I am not new to this feeling, this is what I have been going through on and off the past six months.

I am dying to tell him that yes, yes I do have feelings for him. Romantic feelings. And that yes I know he does not harbour the same feelings nor will he ever. But I am paralysed.

This is such a bad day. I found out I bombed my spanish midterm and then this happened. I wasn't expecting it, it caught me off guard. I knew it would come eventually but I was caught off guard and now I am finding it a little hard to breathe. I have no idea what I felt or feel for this man that has me going insane inside. I just know that we have hit some poit of no return. Regardless of what happens, whether we start talking again or if we never talk again. I know that it will never be the same again.

And i'm not quite certain how to deal with that.

Crazy Talk

I'm beginning to sound like a deranged parrot. Beginning? Lol, ok ok I have been sounding like a deranged parrot for a bit now.

Feelings are fickle, vile things.

My favourite author Sophie Kinsella's characters are always over-the-top, very silly girls who over exaggerate everything and get their hopes up waaaaay too high most of the time. They get ideas into their heads that something unlikely is surely going to happen and they start behaving as if it has in reality happened.

I am beginning to see these tendencies in myself and it's rather funny actually. So I spoke with this coworker on chat the other night. She is my supervisor and also works for FB though they really work together. She is the mother figure as she is in her fifties but she is very cool. So I just signed her up for Gmail so she could chat with FB and one night last week I was on and so was she and we had this really long, in depth chat. Granted she had had three or four glasses of wine. Lol. She was needless to say, pleasantly lit. But not drunk.

Out of nowhere she asks me if I missed FB and that spurned this really strange conversation about how FB and I were perfect for each other. She has no idea about what goes on with FB and I but she just pulled this from nowhere. She has met open-relationship-girlfriend
and said that I was a better fit for FB.

In addition to this weird little conversation, FB and I have been talking a bit more than I told myself I would allow. I was going to give myself a month. But then again I am fickle.

So with conversing with FB in my head and then what Work Mum said over chat....I was confused. I got it into my head that there was hope for me and FB and that it was what I wanted.

WRONG!!! Thank goodness my stupid bouts have sell-by dates. My silliness for the moment has expired. He changed his Facebook setting from "In an open relationship" to "It's complicated." Damn right it's complicated. Lol. But I don't need to be caught up in that.

Be warned though, I go back and forth daily. I am fickle and I know it.


I had the weirdest dream this morning. I dreamt I was at some football game or something and Prince (as in the Artist) was there performing "1999." For some reason his hair was dyed blond and he was wearing all white and I remember the dream being so incredibly vivid. I dunno why I had that weird dream, it was out of nowhere but I woke up with the song in my head and it's still there.

So bizarre.

Natural Oddity

Do men have some sort of spidey-sense out there that informs them when a girl they once dated or once liked or once shagged is available again? Or rather, when they are not? I haven't decided which time is more inconvenient really. Being accosted with past flings when I am in a relationship or when I am just out of one.

Granted I have not officially been in a relationship yet ever. Hmmn. Lets not dwell on this sad fact.

So that Jackson dude I got really tired of really quickly has been calling me non stop and trying to "see you for a min." What the bollucks does this statement mean exactly? And I really don't have the energy to see him. I am just knackered when I think of him to be perfectly honest. I just have zero energy to talk to him. And of course the cute Zim guy I had a crush on a long time ago who kissed me and then made things awkward is also on my case.

My brain is still fogged up with FB who I am falling deeper and deeper for despite my greatest efforts to do just the opposite. Ay! I am in a quandary here kids. Two, possibly three guys I don't want (#3 being the almost creepy but nice man-whore from Nigeria) are on my case, trying to see me all the damn time and wanting to hang out. I just don't want to. No good reasons aside from disinterest in all of them. I dunno why none of them make me want to be alone with them....or just with them for that matter.

And the one man I want out of my system is the one I keep falling more and more for. This is such a bloody mess. I need a drink.

I swear this will drive me to a drinking problem.

Don't ever get your hopes up again.

I overestimated the speed at which I recover and when I got back in there, I got torn to pieces.

I feel a little heartsick right now. Him being gone for a month was supposed to help.

It isn't.

Still simmering a bit. Oh dear.

Definitions:

Player:

A male who is skilled at manipulating ("playing") others, and especially at seducing women by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex. Possibly derived from the phrases "play him for a fool", or "play him like a violin".

Open relationship:

a). a facebook setting that allows you to give in to your sluttastic urges while keeping a "safety net" around in the event that you're unable to hook up with anything hotter.

b). a great way to set yourself up for some hellish drama, instead of being honest with your significant other.

This vocab lesson is thanks to urban dictionary.

Lol. I am not going forward by still being mad am I? I want to be indifferent about this already but I fear I might have gone a bit bananas. I want to be normal again dammit. It's been a week.

Yes, I heard myself too. I'm silly. I know this.

But the open relationship one cracks me up every time. Sluttastic. Hahaha!

OOh, here's one for me though...

Naive:

A person who despite overwhelming blatant evidence is oblivious to whats going on in his/ her surroundings.

My hair is possessed by the devil.

My hair. Ugh. I am still damaging it by doing ridiculous things to it.



Just recently I gave into getting a weave put in. I figured, I'll keep it in for a little bit and then take it out and see how I like it. Hmmmn.



I got lazy and it's still in. Oh dear. And I don't really know how to take care of it and now my hair is brittle I think. I want to take it out this week but I have been feeling it and I dunno where to cut. I don't want to go to the salon and have them do it because they will charge me an arm and a kidney. Ay!!



Why can't I have long flowing gorgeous hair overnight? I know it's unrealistic and black women have to work overtime on thier hair, but dammit I'm tired. I do not have the patience for my own hair and it takes FOREVER to grow and be healthy. And it's too thin to keep short. I dunno. I'm in hair limbo once again.



Being a black chick with trouble hair sux. Dang it. And graduation is in a month.

Granted I am not even inclined to walk now that none of my family can make it. My 'rents are overseas and will be moving back home then. And everyone else...well meh. I have friends coming but I just am not into it you know? I just don't want to go through the day for nothing. I mean, my closest friends can't even come. I dunno. Whatev.

Anyway I need my hair did for graduation and I dunno what I''m gonna do. And right after graduation, I need my hair to look decent while I am pounding the pavement looking for employment. They are not going to hire a black chick with scary hair. Oh dear.



Fairy hair godmother, where are you?

"Stand still so I can pick you up!"

Just read a really funny blog post on cheesy, horrible pick up lines. I find pick up lines hilarious. I heard a really bad, really old one during my speed dating experience. It was "Did it hurt? (Answer: what? When you fell from heaven." Ugh. Honestly.

But it set me thinking about some of the strangest attempts to pick me up so far. I have compiled a list that is a combo of things I have been accosted with and things I have just randomly heard. Funny as anything really.

1. Does your dad work for Nissan? Because you have a Hardbody. Ugh.

2. Are you lost? Because you are a long way from heaven. You're not getting in anyone's knickers with that.

3. Are you good in bed? Because I bang like a door in a hurricane. LMAO!

4. Your hair colour would match my pillow colour perfectly. Sad.

5. Do you have a license? Because you're driving me crazy.

6. If you were a booger, I'd pick you first. Um ew.

7. Well here I am. What are your other two wishes? Loser.

8. You must be tired. Cuz you've been running through my mind all day.

9. Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

10. Are you religious? Cuz you are the answers to all my prayers.

Honestly guys.

I cracked up when I heard the "bang like a door in a hurricane" one. I have to admit, that would make me laugh out loud if a guy tried that one.

Advice columns....a bit much....or....

I just saw this on yahoo and thought it was interesting. I know I am trying not to obsess over this but I can't deny it still plagues my thoughts. It was this girl who wrote in to psichiatrists for love help and she seems like her situation could have similarities with mine. Anyway, here is what they said to her and I think I see a little of it applying to moi too.

What you may not realize is that you're not in love with your ex; you're in love with your fantasy of your ex. You've taken every tiny good moment you remember, forgotten all the unpleasant ones, and created a gorgeous fantasy for yourself that no real man can live up to. That's not good for you, and doesn't make for a happy life. You may also be resisting letting him go because you've decided it means something bad about you -- that you weren't good enough for him. What's true is that he wasn't good for you.

Forgive yourself, forgive him, and put away all your dreams and mementos.
Forgive yourself, forgive him, and put away all your dreams and mementos. Literally, box up everything that reminds you of him -- pictures, cards, letters, gifts -- and get them out of your sight. Spend time with your friends, and build a good life for yourself. Before you know it, you'll figure out what went wrong here; you'll open up to other men; and you'll be able to put this relationship in the category of "memory" and build a new one that's even better. As long as you learn and grow, you'll always

Your heart and head give you conflicting messages.

You want to control the situation.

Your other dates have been unsatisfactory because you compare them to "him" and they fall short.

You act obsessed with this man, but are searching to get rid of him

An obsession is something that persistently dominates your thoughts even against your better judgment. You feel the target is elusive but almost within your grasp. It reveals that you are focusing on controlling the target. What sort of void is there in your life that you are trying to fill by controlling this ambivalent, judgmental man?

Work on having the integrity to keep your word so people will take you seriously. A lot of this drama seems to be created by you. Why? Is your life boring otherwise? Talk it over with a close friend, counselor or clergy, and get busy becoming a better you!

Hmmn. Thats all I gots ta say.

Speed Dating

I have always thought this was a ridiculous thing to do. I mean, you see it all the time in movies and on TV and all but I never thought I would try it.

Well....

I'm all about new experiences these days. Anything to get my mind off FB and the like.

So my friend M and I were studying and doing our Spanish homework today and she mentioned that she saw a poster advertising a speed dating thing held by one of the Hispanic fraternities on campus. I figured, it is on campus and can't really be serious and since she wanted me to go with, I obliged.

It was fun. I liked the fact that I wasn't moping in my apartment being all sad. The guys were....interesting to say the least.

So the only two black guys there were goofy as anything. One had an ass for Africa! He had more junk in his trunk than any black chick I have ever seen. More than me!! Lol. And the other seemed young.

So it was supposed to start at 7:30. Yeah didn't start till 8:40. Minorities why? Why must we do this over and over again? I should have known, lol. I had to be at work at 9 so I didn't think I would be doing a lot of "dating."

So the thing finally starts and initially the guys are meant to pick a chick and sit at her table and then move every three minutes. We all had sheets with numbers and we were all assigned numbers so that every "date" we had, we could put yes or no so that if we both wanted to see each other again, we would get each others''email. It was a trip.

I was game though and so I obliged. I sat next to M and the games began.

....Yeah so at first I was sitting on my Ace looking kinda pathetic. Then this guy came to sit at my table and chat because his girlfriend felt sorry for me or something. Tragic. What is wrong with me honestly? Lol.

But after that it was funny. The first three guys were a trip. One called himself Big Daddy. That fool was crazy. Told a lot of inappropriate jokes and was only 17. I think that might have been slightly illegal,Lol. Kidding. The next was such a dweeb, I felt for him really. Then there was this guy with a grey front tooth. The entire time I was terrified that he was aware that I was talking to his grey tooth the whole time. I just couldn't look away. It was grey!

The next bloke was an alumnus who worked for a bank and hated his job apparently. He asked questions like "Are you married?" and "Do you have kids?" I was a bit worried I might have had to run out the door any moment when he pulled out the prenup. Lol.

Then finally number 54 shows up and he was a cutie. A Mexican bloke with a cute smile. I don't think he was into me but that doesn't matter. I was not intending on seriously looking for someone, I just wanted to have some fun.

It was tragic cuz when he left and the next guy came along (one of the brothaz) it was time for me to get to work and I had to leave him there. I felt bad. Poor thing. Lol. It was fun though.

Next week me and M are going ballroom dancing. Well, the lessons on campus anyway. Should be fun. I am so going to get through this. I think. I dunno. I'm kinda worried about what will happen in three weeks when he returns. Oh dear. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts!

Number 54 was really cute though. Woo!

Muse

I came across a fab blog today that I instantly linked on the left hand panel.


It's called NY Girl Eats World. I read a few entries and I am inspired by her life. She is doing what I want to do. She is a freelancer who travels a lot and writes about travel and food. Plus she is an avid cook.

She is the kind of person I want to be at 26. That gives me only three years to get it together. Lol.

I was inspired by her blog to be more alive and vibrant. Writing about my low points only makes me feel lower, it has not really been cathartic so here's to a change.I think I might go back into the whole photography thing. I need a new camera though.

Hmmn. Broke but inspired. I guess this is going to mean overtime at both jobs ey? Lol.

Gotta run to my Spanish class.

Sunday, Monday HAPPY DAYS! Tuesday...Wednesday....

OK. Lol. I am not really that happy and goofy to be singing the Happy Days theme song, but I want these to be happy days.

I was just talking to Clark on Instant Messenger and realized how twisted and ridiculous this whole thing with FB has been. I really want to laugh out loud about it. It would make a fab book i think.

I can just see myself explaining the lot to my mum....

"Yeah mum I have been shagging this bloke.....

did I mention he's 31.....

....and in an "open relationship"....

...and he's Indian and Hindu to boot....

...Oooh, and we work together....

...as in he's my boss sort of....

...and his girlfriend is saving herself for marriage....

...and takes him to church....

...and there is a slight chance they might still live together though he denies it...

...and he doesn't give a rip about me...

...can I bring him round for tea sometime?"

Brilliant.

My mother would stab me in the heart.

Bleak

So I am sitting in my Opinion and Persuasive writing class and out of nowhere it hits me and all I want to do is break down.

Everyone is offering advice and telling me not to lose myself and how I should do this and I will be much better without him. I am not denying or rejecting that. I am taking it to heart. But my heart is cracked right now. I am in pain right now.

I just want to get through this. I know it is best to think ahead now but I am hurting right this minute. The future is looking very bleak.

I know it won't last forever. I have much to look forward to. But the here and now sucks.

And I am waiting desperately for my eyes to dry up. How much more liquid could I possibly have in me. I don't even drink that much water for gosh sakes.

"I miss you," he said.

It keeps getting buggery harder you know.

I am purging for real this time. How do I know? Because I think he's gotten the hint I was reluctant to send him and he is backing off a bit. Either that or him and open-relationship-girlfriend are doing much better these days that he doesn't need me as much anymore. Not that he every really needed me, but you get what I mean yeah?

So it's been two weeks since we were together outside of work. Its a good thing because I can feel a chasm growing between us. His phone is acting up so I do not get a lot of his texts. I dunno if he is just saying that to talk to me less and less, especially if he is spending more time with open-relationship-girlfriend and all or if it is the answer to my prayers for God to make it easier to let go of him. I dunno. But we talk far less these days.

And sometimes, when I have other things to do, its not bad. I see the progress I am making. But then some little thing pierces through the calm and the sinking, drowning feeling overtakes me. I feel like my emotions are crushing my chest in until I can barely breathe without sobbing.

But its progress I think. Withdrawal symptoms. How gross. I truly do feel like someone on drugs and weaning off of them. Tragedy, lol.

And he makes it hard sometimes. On friday, at work he walked up to me and told me he dreamt we were dating and for some reason we were fighting over doing the dishes. Hmmn. And then that night he messaged me and told me he missed me. And all the while I had that sixth sense feeling he was with open-relationship-girlfriend for his last weekend in the country.

He leaves tomorrow for a month. He is going to his homecountry for the first time in seven years and I am hoping while he is gone, I can get my stuff together and move past him enough to be "OK" when he gets back. Fingers crossed girlie.

So now it's San Fransisco. As in where I might be headed after graduation. LOL. This has to stop. I have no been applying for jobs. I don't know what my malfunction is, I do not have time to waste. it was originally going to be New York. Then D.C. Then Phoenix. And now San Fran. I dunno.

I know I need to get up out of this place. This city is not positive energy for me. I am filled with so much negativity.

My cousin pointed out a crucial fact that I have been painfully aware of the past two years but it just reminded me that I need to change. I can't go on like this. She sent me an email about it and in it she said:

You just seem off to me. You're functional. You're cool. But you're not happy in the deepest sense and I guess my intuition is just sensing that..maybe that's all I can see and that perhaps is not the right thing. It's one thing to go through relationship ups and downs, but be relatively happy and have joy. I don't feel any joy emanating out from you. It would be in your eyes, it would be in your laugh and smile...and I just don't get that sense from you at all. I know you're alive and all, but I just feel this really dead spirit around you. You just don't seem like a happy person, and I'm puzzled by that.This is a critical time in your life...you'll either curse yourself in the future, or create a future for yourself and a life for yourself that you'll love.

Honestly, M...life is short. Even though you have stresses of life and school and there are so many overwhelming experiences...take the bitter lessons to heart and really learn from failures and difficulties. I look at my mother's experiences all the time..she kept too much inside. Of course, she has a million other amazing things she did...but try to find some happiness,the real stuff. You can't base it all on circumstances, because life's shit sometimes...so much we don't have control over and what else can we do? Yeah..you don't need to go blabbing every little thing about your life...But

Don't be so wise in your own eyes that you can't listen to other people. You need to just make sure that you're not isolating yourself emotionally and acting foolishly. You're allowed to be foolish...and stupid and crazy..sometimes--it's called being young. But if I've learned anything, a little wisdom goes a long way.

"A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgment." Proverbs 18:1.

It got me to think. A lot. I have been hella reclusive and not living wisely but revelling in foolishness and I think for the first time this year I am concerned enough about my well being that I am going to make some changes.

I am growing and I put way too much stock in the wrong people. I am ready to live again and not have this dead spirit around me because I know everyone can see it even when I think I am hiding it so well. It really is a dead spirit and I want it gone. I want my happiness back. I want to be who I was and who I almost lost.

Hmmn.

That is all.

Emma on the Silver Screen

So one of my favourite pick me up novels is being made into a movie! I am so bleedin excited its silly! "Can You Keep A Secret" is a book I happened upon a couple of years ago on a lay over at Dubai International. I had a 14 hour layover so a book or two was imperative, Lol. Anyway I picked up this book and read the back and the first page or so in the bookstore and fell in love. I read the entire thing during my layover and Sophie Kinsella fast became one of my favourite authors ever.

Its a silly little book that is really hilarious and very Bridget Jones-y and I am so chuffed its being made a movie. I can't wait. I did read somewhere that Kate Hudson would be playing the main character Emma Corrigan and I am not sure how I feel about that yet. I imagined some unknown British actress doing the part but I suppose it could be another Bridget Jones ey? I dunno, I hope it will be fab like the book. But who knows ey?

I think I might go dig it up and re-read it just to lift my spirits a bit. That and Bridget Jones always seems to make me feel loads better about myself for a little while because it is just not depressing. It's pure humour that takes the focus off my morbid existence and shifts it onto some silly character getting into loads of rubbish.

Clark phoned me last night. It was so out of the blue and unexpected really. I was thinking about him and how I missed friends and things and he just rang me out of nowhere and he said he called just to say he loved me. I was touched. I suppose God is listening up there and He sent me a message through a friend. I was grateful and it made getting up this morning a little easier I think.

I am so excited about this movie and its only just in preproduction, lol. Ugh! Ok, steady on. Honestly, the little things I get excited over. And I am meant to be a grown up again.

Hyenas Comedy Club

I went to a comedy club with a friend last night. It was funny because I so tried to flake out of going. I had been at work from 8 in the a.m. and got off at 8 in the p.m. and just wanted to go bum at home but she was pretty persistent and I felt guilty. She's my study buddy for Spanish and though we are both not fantastic at it, studying together helps me. And I had already said yes and so after my weak attempts to get out of it, which she totally shut down, I decided to just go.

Her ex-boyfriend Butch was performing. Yes, Butch. Hmmn. Lol. No, but he was a scream. She is so connected at that comedy club that we got in no problem and we got free drinks. How cool.

So I was expecting it to suck. Everytime someone's ex something or cousin or brother's best friend or whatever performs, I always imagine they are going for moral support because they suck.

I was wrong this time. He was actually funny. Very very vulgar but funny. I had a good time and it was another successful night of being around other people and not wallowing in loneliness. I was really glad I went. I was even home by eleven something and could just go to sleep.

FB messaged me all night, sort of. Well, just a couple of times. I have been not responding a lot or being a bit non-engaging with him of late but I had enough distance I thought to at least chat with him. It was platonic, no references that upset me and I was ok with it. I wasn't depressed after it.

Saturday was good.

I really need to stop posting my thoughts on Facebook through the "NOTES" application. I dunno why I do because I swear all my friends on there think I am so depressed. I suppose it is ok here because none of my friends know about this blog but I have this addiction to sharing what I am feeling through things I write and now I am doing it on facebook and I need to stop sharing so much of myself to people who know me, I really do. Lol. I might just go and deactivate and reactivate and deactivate my account until I go silly. I tend to do that when I feel too open and to visible to people. I feel a lot better when I am invisible and hiding. So why do you write notes on facebook about your inner thoughts then? I dunno. Cuz I'm a bit dozey I reckon.

Always a bridesmaid.....

I had a relatively good night last night. I went to the home meeting with C.O.C. last night with Bethany. It is starting to get a little cooler out so they were planning on having a fire in the "fire pit" as they say here, and making smores. Lol. Anyway I don't always hang out with these kids. At first I thought they were just really kind of wierd but they have grown on me and they are really sweet. I loved being around people who were just having fun. I realized I haven't done that in a long while. I have not had time to just be preoccupied with other people and share and enjoy. It was really nice and I didn't think of depressing things all night, just had fun and was around people.

I realize that a lot of my problems here stem from how reclusive I seem to have become. I go home and watch TV till I fall asleep. I have dinner by myself and I do all things alone when I am not at school or work. And I realized that my lack of a core of friends is why I get so down and perhaps why I placed so much emphasis on my relationship with FB. I know that I want someone of my own. But I suppose I was.......dare I say it......a little desperate for companionship, I was hell bent on making it work with FB. Except I am a bit of an attention whore. I am awfully quiet usually and don't act like it, but I crave attention. I want to be special to someone. Well, to everyone. I realize the immaturity of this but hey, I'm working on it. Promise. And the problem was that I wasn't special at all to him. Not his fault, just a fact of life I suppose.

Anyway last night I realized that if I had close friends to occupy my time, I wouldn't get so caught up in misery. I miss my girls from Georgia. The one goodthing that came out of Georgia, lol. I miss them and wish we could be together again. A girl needs her girlfs. She simply does.

Speaking of girlfs, guess who has been solicited to be a bridesmaid AGAIN? Thats right. Yours truly. It's my girlf from Iran. Well, she's Zimbo too but our parents worked together in Iran and thats where we met and she is here in the states a few states away from me. I went to her graduation a little while ago. Ya, her. She's getting married.

I feel bad because it hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean I suppose we had not been talking much and certainly not about what goes on in her love life. So when she called me this week and told me she was getting married to the love of her life, her prince charming, I was needless to say, speechless.

I'm happy for her. I truly am. She has been through a lot with guys and now she found a Christian man she can be madly in love with. Apparently his family is quite the big deal back home so this will be somewhat of a high-profile wedding. And it'll be back home. This August. And she wants me to be a bridesmaid. Hmmn.

I want to go simply because I feel honored she asked me I mean who am I that people want me to be a part of their weddings? I feel honored. I do.

But how can you be truly 100% happy for someone who has found their prince charming when your love life is a cause of misery to you? If I were just single and lonely, thats one thing. But here I have been having a really tough week and it just coincided with her happy news. I have stayed away from FB this week. I have said no to him and I have spent a couple of nights waiting for the darkness to be pushed away by the light of day. Nighttime is the hardest because I can't shut my mind off and I think and then I cry. I am purging. I have started to before but this time I am determined. I hope I make it this time. Anyway, so this week was bad for me and I began thinking about her love and how she prayed for him and God provided him. OK, i don't presume to know the mind of God and if His hand is truly on this but she seems so certain and who am I to question that? I hope it really is God because she deserves love like that. Everyone does. Well, maybe not EVERYONE, lol.

I am just rambling now. But her happiness shed light on my desolation. I am clinging onto a very thin sliver of hope that there is a man out there for me. I just don't really see it right now. If I am to be honest, I don't. But I can't stop my heart hoping right? I am coming to a crucial time in my life with graduation round the bend and I am scared. Not just the "finding a job" thing but the whole "please don't let me go through life like this" thing. I'm 23. That is young but also old at the same time ifthat makes any sense. I know loads of people who find love later in life but I don't want to. I want love when I am young. Selfish I know but it is what I want.

But I know I have to submit to God's plan and had I not stuffed it up with my adventures with all the wrong men, I probably would not feel as I do now. Maybe I wouldn't. Who's to know though right?

Why can't I stop talking about love for goodness sakes? What is wrong with me? Lol.

Oh bugger.

Right.

Was attempting to change my template so it would not look quite so morbid. I'm afraid that now I don't know what I have done and I can't fix it just yet.

Bugger, bugger, bugger.

Ay!

Or should I say "eye!"

More eye issues. Bugger.

So my eye has been slightly painful and very sensative to light for the past week. I was hoping it would go away on its own but with my track record I should have known it was something rather serious. So I went to the opthamologist yesterday. It took me fifty forevers to find one in the area that was not booked until December. Who knew so many people had opthamologists ey? Anyway I finally found one and THANK GOD for my friend Bethany. She drove me there, stayed with me the whole time and drove me home afterwards. She did not have to do that and I was so touched. She is a sweetheart. And it's not the first time she's been so sweet to me, she's forver doing little and big things to help me out. I think she's wonderful.

So back to the eye. It's rejection. My bollucksy body has taken over a year to realize "Wait a lick, this isn't me!" and is now slightly rejecting my transplanted cornea. Ok, it's not catastrophic. I have been through it before and the doctor was not terribly worried. He prescribed these drops that I once had to take ages ago. I have to take them six times a day and then go back and see him in a week. So we're not panicking yet, it should be fine. Already it feels much better and its only been half a day.

So I was a little worried because the student insurance I am on says it does not cover dental or vision. So I was in a bit of a panick as I was half-expecting to pay out my bum for the consult with the doctor. Thank goodness he found something because had he been like, "oh it's nothing at all, it will clear up in a bit. That'll be five million dollars please," I would have gone round the bend. But no, thankfully he found something.

And they took my insurance, SHOCK HORROR. I was pleased as punch to be quite honest. Apparently it was a medical thing, not so much a vision thing like contacts or glasses. So they took my insurance and though the bill still hurt my heart a bit ($161) I was glad I wasn't paying out the bum. Brilliant. The drops (ONE DOZEY BOTTLE MIND YOU) was nearly $30 and buggery Walgreens does not ake my insurance. Ugh. But it's ok, I'm just grateful I am fine and that God has been watching out for me though I am the VERY LAST PERSON on earth to deserve any sympathy from him. I love God though. Not only because he's there for me when even I'm not, but because he's constant.

So Back and Forth again. FB is practically married to open-relationship-girlfriend. Nothing has happened but I realize this. I am feeling better now that I have been away from him for a couple of nights. I was....oh alright, I AM... very worried of the prospect of not finding someone and dying alone or at least going through most of life alone and not liking it. Some people can do it, no problem. But I dunno if I can. I always thought I could, before I got involved with dating. And now I'm not so sure. Malaika (the other one, not me) said I will not be able to cut FB off without moving or finding a replacement. She's right I know. But honestly.

New Guy from Phoenix never got back to me again. I take it he was as disinterested in me as I was in him. Hmmn. Too bad for my cousin really, she was so looking forward to us hitting it off. But we didn't. I rather relieved though. I am knackered with men right now. And knackered of talking about them. So let's stop then shall we.

Bleh.

I am so sick of the kids that come into the store on Sunday nights. Perhaps I am just irritable when I have to work this late but they seem a little more annoying on Sunday nights. Overly enthusiastic and they roam around the store for ages chatting. Buy something and get out. Goodness.

Lol. OK so I am a little irritable.

I went to a Christians on Campus retreat today. Technically it was all weekend but I had the distinguished alumni gala I was invited to last night so I opted just to attend today's meetings.

I liked the retreat. I was dozing because I had to get up at six something so we could get on the road and make the morning meeting. It was an hour away. Plus I had a bit of a late night with FB last night. He was working the gala and I was attending.

It was super fancy dress. I was a little apprehensive about the whole fancy dress thing. I almost didn't buy a dress and was going to wear some frock out of my closet. Thank goodness my guardian angel is a fashionista and on top of her game. Lol. And my girlfriend B from C.O.C. was so sweet and took me to go look for one.

We were expecting the cheapest to be a dress on sale for $40 or $60, it was fancy dress afterall. Like super fancy dress, prom style. So we go to Windsor and are looking around and we came upon a dress that looked dangerously close to my bridesmaid dress from Red's wedding. But the material was not bridesmaidsy and I was partial to a red dress for some reason. It was floor length and cute. And marked $140. Hmmn.

SO there was a 50% off sale and it was on the sales rack and was already marked down but we weren't sure if it was half off the original or the new price and when we asked, SHOCK HORROR the saleslady said it was $15. It took a while for us to understand this but when we did we were chuffed. Then we saw that it was a size 4. Bugger. I'm not a four. But I tried it on anyway for kicks and giggles. It fit like a dream. What are the odds china? I mean really.

So I was chuffed, I had shoes and bought accesories (twice as much as the dress) and that was sorted.

Friday night I spent with FB. Ya, I know. Whatev. We got up late Saturday. Real late. He had to be at work and I had to get ready. So I was wondering what to do with my hair granted it is in a weave and I am not at home with the weave look. So I did spiral curls and put diamond (fake, durr) clips in it to disguise the bits where the tracks jutt out a bit.

Remind me never to do weaves again. They are not me.

Anyway I figured it all out and went to the gala. FB was in a suit. I have never seen him in a full suit. I have seen him in fancy shirt and tie (gorgeous) but never in a full suit. I was in heels so I was slightly taller than him which was awkward.

I knew one person at the entire shindig. And she had to know everyone there so I was so awkward. I hated it. I didn't have a date because I was told I could bring one short notice and all of my friends here were busy or didn't have fancy dress or went out of town. So I went all by my lonesome. It was....slightly tragic. I walked around at the champagne reception alone except for a few times I struck up convo with some people. And of course a few time FB came to chat me up.

Then they lost my reservation or whatever. I was invited by my scholarship sponsor and figured I would be sitting at his table. They could not find my name and then stuck me at a random table in the corner in the back. And there were two women who knew each other and a couple and an empty chair on either side of me. Tragedy. I looked rather pathetic and everything took so bloody long I must have read the programme eight million times nefore dinner arrived.

And then I had to sit through an hour of the award recipients' speeches and by the end of it all I was just knackered and wanted to go home. FB had gotten off early and went to hang out at my place until I was done. He picked me up after it all and we watched TV and spent the night together and then had to be up early so I could get ready. I almost didn't want to go but he forced me to get up and I'm glad I did. The meeting was nice.

We were talking about the New Jerusalem which was funny becuz me and B are going through revelation this semester and so it was perfect. The one thing that stuck out the most for me was when the guy said that we have "boldness in the blood" and not to depend on our feelings. I have been feeling extra far away from God because of my sins. I feel like there is a layer of filth between me and true enjoyment of the Lord. And so I have been waiting until it "felt right" whatever that means. But I was encouraged because I have boldness in the blood. It's not my mistakes or situations or feelings but the blood. When the Spirit of God saw the blood over the homes of the children of Israel, he passed over them. I have the blood of Jesus despite my transgressions. That is not to say I can do whatever I want. I must truly repent of my sins and stop them. I need to cut FB out of my life despite how much my heart (or something inside me anyway) aches for him and how alone I feel and how afraid that that loneliness will last forever I am.

I am a work in progress. I understand I am still young but I am meant to grow up too, not bask in youthful ignorance.

I spent the weekend with FB practically and it was great at the time but I know it was wrong and not what God wants for me. I know I am behaving hypocritically. I am trying to wrap my brain around this. I know I am addicted to him but I need to extract him from my soul.

I know he cares about me. TO AN EXTENT. Thats the key. It is not that he does not care about me like I wanted so badly to believe. That is what makes it so hard. I know he is not pretending. But I know that he does not care enough for me and not in the way I want him to. He will never. And it is hard to accept that because he is under my skin kind of. Tragic I know.

You will know I am on the path of recovery when EVERY SINGLE POST does not involve him. Lol. I am trying guys, I truly am.

Dashed yet again

So the almost-excitement over the new guy has turned to crap. Lol. I really was not into him even after spending an hour on the phone with him but still I was mildly put out when he didn't return an email I shot him out of courtesy. I understand busy. Busy runs through my veins. But I am only mildly disappointed. Thats not good is it? Hmmn.

So why is it when I am all gung-ho about moving on, making a fresh start and getting my act together, FB decides he wants to be sweet again? I know its a sick little dance between us. He feels me slipping away and oh-no-we-can't-have-that. So he does something nice.

Por ejemplo this Saturday. I was at work all day and I was just generally off his scent as I had had the distraction of the new kid on the phone the night before. So I was ready to get on and suck it in and cut off. I have tried slow cut off. Didn't work. Tried blunt cut off. Didn't work. He has some strong voodoo.

So anyway back to Saturday. I was at work and generally irritated with him. he wanted to hang out and I was really teetering on calling him and saying I had changed my mind and did not feel up to it. Why I didn't, I dunno. Mixed emotions. Damn.

So he came over with two movies and a bottle of wine. After half a glass I was so sleepy and goofy. I was sleeping halfway throught the movie and he thought it was funny. I acted a little more "gone" than I was. So He was babying me. He called me baby twice (purely habit I'm sure) and he held me all night and he kissed me. Nothing else happened and it was nice for nothing else to have happened.

I felt really good the next morning. Wanted him to stay all day but he was only there till midday. Ok. It was sweet and nice and innocent. And felt so....I dunno.

But it was off. I mean, now that I have not been with him (alone that is) for a few days, I am going back down. The crash after the high right?

And I try to cut him off and whenever I get the motivation and the drive, he dashes it with one fell swoop. Lol.

I need to get out of this city. I am going bananas. I am truly going bananas.

Ugh.

Mark Anthony

So my cousin is bent on setting me up with this guy she met at her job in phoenix this week. I thought she was being silly and joking around.

Um. No. She showed him my picture, told him all sorts of things about me (basically advertising me, lol) and then she gave me his number and bugged me all week till I called him last night.

I was irritated at first because the last thing I want to deal with right now is another guy you know? I have had enough emotional drainage to last me a year in the past few months and I felt I need time to get my act together and learn from my foolishness.

But I called him anyway and we talked for over an hour. I dunno if that means we connected or if it means we are good at small chat. Lol. Anyway, so I talked to him and he seems like a nice guy but I can not really gauge anything over the phone. I'm not sure.

I might be going over there for Thanksgiving and my cousin wants me to meet him. She is really, really adamant about it. I am still wary of even just making friends with guys but then again I think the good in all this is that it has gotten my mind off Flower Bandit for a short while. Plus Flower Bandit is leaving for a month November 2nd. So I figure the more time I spend away from him and the more I have to think about other than him the better right? Then I can move on right?

I dunno, I am confused and a little annoyed but I am trying to live and not be stuck where I am right now. I don't want a boyfriend and I do. Just not Flower Bandit anymore. I am tired of him and the guilt I feel and the constant back and forth crap. I need to move on and I am already flinching because despite its superficial nature, this is one band aid that is going to hurt a little when ripped off.

So. Mark Anthony. He's 28. Hmmn.

He is a computer sales something or another. I forgot already. He got a degree in international business though. He is apparently very handsome. That is not always a good thing but I am being open here. He is articulate (whatever the hell that means) and played college basketball. I dunno.

I won't write him off but I am not terribly enthusiastic about meeting new people right now. But anything to get my mind off depressing things right?

AY. What have I gotten myself into now?

Irony of ironies, I am hanging out with Flower Bandit tonight. I hate me sometimes.

Query

Is it possible for a man to sleep with a woman and from then on see her as anything more than just a sex partner? If they had not established a deep foundation initially before they shagged, then won't he always associate her with sex? I mean, isn't that what makes easy girls easy? Are they all just uber horny or are they just automatically viewed as sex partners because they have had sex with a guy they were not in a serious relationship with?

I know I am not making much sense but I am confused. My mind tells me to reject any notion that a guy I have slept with will ever see me as anything significant. I mean, how can he right?

Sex is evil. Evil. Lol.

Alright. Maybe thats harsh. But I am thinking a lot about this. I mean, I behaved in a sluttastic manner. And I can not help but obsess over this because I have no idea who the person looking back at me in the mirror is. Who the heck are you and what happened to the sweet smart girl you once were?

He wants to hang out. As friends. He says he cares about me. But how can he? I'm sorry. I am not over the fact that I am not a virgin anymore. I am devastated and I know I need to accept it an d get over it. But this is not me. I don't act like this.

Oh but you do. I did. I messed up. Big. And frequently. And I was wracked with guilt but not enough to stop. I am not who I would like to be. I know there is no point in lamenting and not acting. Act. Fix it.

Ok, this is all over the place. I know I mean nothing to him really. But how do I shut off the part in my brain that hopes for more. That hopes for redemption. Justification. Not so much wanting him. But wanting not to be THAT GIRL.

I am that girl aren't I though? Hmmn.

Innocence was lost and I cant forget. The worst thing I ever did to myself was compromise myself. And I have yet to apologize myself.

And yet I dunno how to end it. I mean, I try over and over again to cut him off completely. Then he makes me feel guilty and I relent. Then he goes on acting like a dick again once he knows he is no longer on my block list. Until I block him again and it all starts all over. I am exhausted kids. I have been tired. What has to give for me to stop brutalizing my spirit?

God. You love me despite myself. I have strayed so far from you that every path I think will lead me back to you ends up being a dead end. I don't even know how to find you anymore. And I am dangerously close to not knowing how to recognize you anymore. When you come to find me and save me form myself, I look at you and wonder who you are. You stretch out your hand to me but I am afraid to grasp it because my discernment is so bad and I am so blinded that I am not sure it is you.

But I know in my heart of hearts that there is something inside of me that can not turn from you forever. I am drawn to you. I am desperate for you though my behavior says the opposite. I need you and so I still seek you deep, deep down inside. But I want to seek you all day. All week. All year. All my life. I don't want to justify my sins, but instead I want to be genuine. I do want what you want. I just need the worldly side of me to be silenced because it is drowning you out.

And there you have the contents of my heart at the moment.

AFRICOM

An article by BBC reporter Daniel Gordon caught my interest today. American Imperialism or the pseudo-recolonization of Africa? I'm not convinced I just used that phrase correctly, but since I made it up, no worries. I digress.

Lol. Hmmn, let's see:

US Africa Command - a unit designed to run all of America's military operations in Africa - opened for business this month.

Africom takes over the work currently done by three different command centres, all of them based outside Africa. While it is stationed in Germany for now, there has been a hostile reaction from many African countries to the idea of such a major US military installation moving onto African soil.

And then.....:

The Bush administration insists there's nothing sinister about the Africom initiative.

According to US Under-Secretary of Defence Ryan Henry, it amounts merely to the redeployment of a few hundred personnel.

"All we're doing is realigning that to put it under a single commander, so that we have somebody who is making an attempt to work with Africans on a day-in and day-out basis, rather than three different commanders who have their priorities in other places."

Patronizing? Dunno yet. Already the little African in me is squirming uncomfortably at this. I feel as though I am meant ot be in a cage, swinging from branches just now, but let's don't be hasty, it's still early days yeah?

Let's go on.....:

But not everyone is convinced.

Salim Lone, a columnist for a daily newspaper in Kenya, believes the creation of Africom is a milestone in US foreign policy - and that the fact Mr Bush is advertising it as a kind of panacea for Africa proves that the only future engagement the US plans for Africa is a military one.

"It will militarize society," he says.

"The military now is going to be working with civil society, to promote health and education.

"Africa is going to look at all its development efforts through the lens of the Pentagon. That's a truly dangerous dimension. We don't need militarization of Africa, we don't need securitization of aid and development in Africa."

Well what exactly do we need then? I'm a little bit on the fence on this point but I haven't done intensive research so I must limit my comments for now I suppose.

Ok, last bit....:

Meanwhile, Helmut Heitman says the US is not the only foreign power trying to secure its grip on the region; the difference is others are more covert in the way they're going about it.

"I think China, India and to a lesser extent Brazil will try to expand their interests in Africa," he says.

"But they won't do things as obviously. I think they will only be indirectly involved militarily, by supporting their favoured government, opposition group or warlord."

Hmmn. That is true, especially in Zim right now. Asian Invasion anyone? I'm not degrading and deriding, just stating fact with a somewhat crass cliche.

I was riveted by the creation of Africom, which I had not heard of up until today. Sad, I know but I've been busy lately.

AFRICOM. That sounds like a corporation. It sounds sinister. I am wary of this.

Am I too defensive? Could this truly be aid and not imperialism encroaching on African soil once again?

Why are Africans so stupid I wonder? Why do we watch this all happening and then gape in horror when the few of us with balls (I know, "language Miss Nhema!") become dictatorial and screw us over? We are getting screwed from both ends.

Foolish, foolish Africans.

The job hunt begins.....

And it sucks. I hate everything right now. Go figure. Lol.

Question for the Ages

How tragic would it be if I fell in love with him?

Pretty darn tragic thats how.

Life sux something foul right now.

Thats all I gots ta say.

Giant

I heard something intriguing today. About giants. Not quite the literal kind but the figurative kind. The giants we have in our lives that kind of paralyze us with fear and stand in the way of our freedom so to speak.

So the man I heard this from was talking about a specific, literal giant. The famous Goliath of the Bible. A lot of people may say that this is one of those stories parallel to one told by the Brothers Grimm or Mother Goose but for me I see the reality in that story and for the first time today I heard it in a way I had never heard it before.

I saw myself as the David and my issue with Flower Bandit as the giant. Also my issue with my job situation come December as another giant. And my parents' going home soon as another giant. I have all these figurative giants in my life right now and I have been reacting a lot like the army of Israel did in front of Goliath.

Ok, I am not going to go all spiritual on you but I have a point. That army just focused on the giant and because they were taking him in in all his 9 foot whatever glory with his huge weapons and taunting jeers, they were petrified of him. They stared and did nothing because they saw how huge he was in relation to them and so they wet their pants instead. Good plan.

Then along comes David ben Jesse and he looks at Goliath, acknowledging that he is there and then he looks to his God and sees Goliath in relation to God and he does not seem so intimidating afterall.

Ok, I realize I am sounding preachy now but I have been behaving rather like the Israeli army with the giants in my life. I am looking at the problems looming in my life and I am wetting my pants because they seem so much bigger than me. Well duh they are bigger than me.....they're giants. But I am Christian. Not a particularly good one all the time, but I am one regardless. I have been cowering and trembling in my little corner because I am afraid to approach or even look at my giants and yet the God I believe in is that much bigger than the giants.

My giants are complicated giants but my God dissolves the spirit of confusion.

I need to ponder a bit more on this one.

Lonely and missing mum

This school is teeming with international students. Thats just a fact. And a lot of these students left their homes and families and such to get a decent education or oppurtunities they felt they could not get elsewhere. Or because their parents made them, whatever.

So a lot of these students are alone here. This is a huge place to be alone kids. It can swallow you up if you’re not careful. I know even American students who left their homes in Oklahoma or even Houston feel that sting sometimes too, but I think for international students it feels a bit different. Not only are mummy and daddy far away, but so is your native tongue and your friends and your old hang outs. You’re having to get used to this culture and the way things are done here. And it is not the hardest transition in the world I don’t think, but there are moments when nostalgia hits and all you want to do is go home and cuddle up to mummy.

I have been here for four years now and though I periodically go home for a couple of weeks (Christmas mainly) I miss home a lot. And my home right now is in Iran because that is where my family lives.

I’m an adult. I realize this. It was bound to happen sooner or later. I know that part of being an adult is living on your own and being grown up about things like homesickness. But all the words and pep talks in the world will not stop me feeling lonely here. I see so many international students who are fine during the week because they have classes and work to worry about. But come Saturday and Sunday, I see them sitting in the library or in Ransom Hall and it is not always because they just love studying or have an impending test, but it is because they are a little lonely and need to do something around other people.

Perhaps this is not a casualty of being a foreigner and everybody has those moments. But I can not just hop on a bus and go see my parents and be around the familiar. Hopping on a plane requires loads of time and loads of dosh ($$). And if your particular ethnic group is not sufficiently represented here (e.g. Zimbabwean students are not severely common around these parts. Dallas yes, but not so much here) you can’t help but feel a little disconnected sometimes.

So here I am light years from home (slight exaggeration) and conforming to American life and sometimes I just want to speak my own language and talk to my mum face to face. International students get lonely a lot. Case and point. Try and befriend us, we’re really rather pleasant (some of us that is. Lets don’t get carried away with sloppy generalizations). You would be amazed how much having friends makes the homesickness ebb.

So adopt an international, Lol. It is a worthy cause I think.

I think The Supremes were feeling me with this

Set me free, why don’t cha babe
Get out my life, why don’t cha babe
’cause you don’t really love me
You just keep me hangin’ on
You don’t really need me
But you keep me hangin’ on

Why do you keep a coming around
Playing with my heart?
Why don’t you get out of my life
And let me make a new start?
Let me get over you
The way you’ve gotten over me

Set me free, why don’t cha babe
Let me be, why don’t cha babe
’cause you don’t really love me
You just keep me hangin’ on
Now you don’t really want me
You just keep me hangin’ on

You say although we broke up
You still wanna be just friends
But how can we still be friends
When seeing you only breaks my heart again
And there ain’t nothing I can do about it

Woo, set me free, why don’t cha babe
Woo, get out my life, why don’t cha babe
Set me free, why don’t cha babe
Get out my life, why don’t cha babe

You claim you still care for me
But your heart and soul needs to be free
Now that you’ve got your freedom
You wanna still hold on to me
You don’t want me for yourself
So let me find somebody else hey!

Why don’t you be a man about it
And set me free
Now you don’t care a thing about me
You’re just using me
Go on, get out, get out of my life
And let me sleep at night
’cause you don’t really love me
You just keep me hangin’ on...You Keep Me Hangin’ On

This I Believe

The women in my family taught me how not to speak.

Through their lives they showed me time and time again that speaking up to the man I your life was not a woman’s place.

Our culture teaches us that women are to serve and please those around them, even if their own pleasure and happiness is compromised.

I believe strongly in the power of speaking up. It sounds obvious but for some, like the women in my family, it is not.Every woman in my family has been a strong woman who had ideas and wasn’t afraid to be vocal about them. They protected and defended their children with a fierceness that made even the strongest of men uneasy. And yet these strong willed women, who are vibrant and full of life turn into deaf mutes when the men in their lives mistreat them.

My great-grandmother raised eight children in the bush of Zimbabwe. For her, educating her children, especially her girls, was the goal of her life. She did this because she knew that an education would make her girls independent and strong, unlike her.

Her husband, a deeply religious, inspirational and strong man, loved her in his own way. But he treated her like a second class individual at times. Their relationship worked, but only because she remained silent about the pain she truly suffered.

For as long as I can remember my great grandmother suffered from mild dementia. She wasn’t crazy, just confused all the time. She was always a silent woman who smiled a lot.

As a young adult I realized her smile was always very sad. I saw her silence as defeat and surrender and I began to believe silence was deadly.I looked at the relationships of her daughters, all married to vocal, intelligent men, just like great granddad. And though these women were all educated and had inner strength, they made no effort when their husbands cut them down. They ignored the bad things their husbands did and pretended life was fine.

They were trapped in what I considered a conscious sort of dementia themselves. Prisoners to their own silences.

I never noticed any of that in myself until I began my adult life and came face to face with my own silence.

I was a painfully quiet, shy kid growing up. And that was fine because I did not feel vulnerable then. But now, at 23, I can see that my silence is falling into that pattern. A generational curse of sorts.

I am afraid that my inability to speak up when I am not happy is going to condemn me to the sad life my matriarchs lived and died in. Your voice is a powerful part of you and needs to be let out.

I am a journalism student because I believe in being the voice for those who cannot or will not be heard by the rest of us. My passion is telling the stories of the underprivileged whose stories are often ignored or told incorrectly. But I have learned to silence my own voice. I have learned how not to speak and at this point in my life I have decided to unlearn the habit.

I have decided to speak up and save myself from my silence. Not only in relationships but in everything. How can I be the voice of the silent when my own is choked up within me?

This I believe, the power of speaking will unshackle me from the curse of my family and lead me to a more meaningful life I can live for myself, and not for the pleasure of others.

So tell me, how do I learn to speak when I am afraid that my voice will destroy me?

Work in Progress.

How much today bites

It rained. The moment I was far enough from my house and yet far away from school and I was crossing the street and it was like a freak flood from the heavens.

Had an umbrella so it was ok. NO it wasn't but I was relatively dry.

I have a major Spanish test Wednesday and I still did not have the bloody book. So I decided to walk to the college bookstore down the street, since our campus bookstore is gay and didn't have the book on its own but in a stupid $200 set that included stuff I did not need and already had. Puh.

It was raining and I was fine with my umbrella. Then two sumbitches in thier stupid cars sped past me and in the middle of two Atlantic sized puddles and splashed me. TWICE. I was drenched in nasty gutter water. DRENCHED.

I was mad as hell. And wet. And gross. And had thirty minutes to walk from the store to my house to change and then back to class.

At the store the book cost $130. WTF!

I paid it. I was already mad as hell, it couldn't get worse.

Realized I would not make it to class on time so called my proff and told her I would be late. Slight flood emergency. Ya.

Got home and showered. Figured I was going to be late anyway, may as well shower and eat right? So I did. Felt a tad better. Went to class. It sucked. Went to work and then it began.

I have been sneezing nonstop since I got to work. I am getting sick and I have three tests this week and a boatload of work to do.

Today bites. I wish today was a person so I could choke it.

That is all.

Hottie McGorgeous spoke with me

Foolish things really. I have bigger things to blog about but I don't on this blog.

BUT I have to mention that at my new job at the brand new, really-big-deal activities center (or gym if you will), there is this GAW-GEOUS guy I work with.

Ok, I don't WORK WITH him. He just interns in the same office and I see him every now and then. And this Saturday at training I spoke to him. I have known about him for two years almost and he was the cutest black guy at the school. I even blogged about him awhile back.

Anyway I was not expecting to see his face but there he was early Tuesday morning in my face and I was rendered speechless for a second. Too fwine. And then at training he was standing by me and we spoke. Small chat of course and he has a girlfriend and we are NOT going down that winding road again. Lol. For real. Get it to-damn-gether.

But he wasn't MONUMENTALLY fine anymore for some reason. Perhaps I am preoccupied. But he was cute and I have some eye candy at work.

The life of the bored and slightly superficial.

Tragic really.