We just had a major blow out and he told me he would leave me alone. It was what I have been wanting. Well, not wanting but what I thought I needed but now I feel really weird. He was serious this time and he even asked me if I had feelings, deep feelings for him. That was the bit that hurt the most. When he asked me it was like all the unsaid things that have ever existed between us came flooding out in the silence. I was silent for a little while. Then I said no. He knew I was lying. I knew he knew. And then he just said goodbye and cut me off. And that was that. He said he gave me what I wanted.
I don't feel any better. I know its gradual but the way I feel now is horrible. I am not new to this feeling, this is what I have been going through on and off the past six months.
I am dying to tell him that yes, yes I do have feelings for him. Romantic feelings. And that yes I know he does not harbour the same feelings nor will he ever. But I am paralysed.
This is such a bad day. I found out I bombed my spanish midterm and then this happened. I wasn't expecting it, it caught me off guard. I knew it would come eventually but I was caught off guard and now I am finding it a little hard to breathe. I have no idea what I felt or feel for this man that has me going insane inside. I just know that we have hit some poit of no return. Regardless of what happens, whether we start talking again or if we never talk again. I know that it will never be the same again.
And i'm not quite certain how to deal with that.
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