Deflated

I know I am supposed to be Christian. And the Christian girl in me is meant to prevail despite my shortcomings. But the Human-I-Just-Want-To-Kick-Your-Ass girl in me with the horrid potty mouth is winning over today.

I don't hate people. Usually. I do not wish ill on people despite what has transpired between us. I don't hate him but right this very moment I want to hate his fucking guts. I want him to burn in hell. The Christian in me wants to forgive, forget and be mature. But the other side of me wants to hate him with everything I have got.

I feel guilty for feeling this way but I have never in my life been through so much with one person that matters as much as a dung beetle. I am like dust to him, a mild irritant and it irritates me to the point of shaking that I was dust to him when he was a person to me. He is a fucking asshole and I really hate that he was ever a part of my life. I regret the day I met him and if I could take it all back, I honestly would in a heartbeat. I have shed tears over him. I have wasted time and money on him. I have degraded myself and made myself feel like shit because of him. I am not without blame, I take responsibility for my role in this but he does not.

Gorgeous Girl said God would deal with him and that one day God would show him the wrong he did. Bullshit. God is not listening to me anymore. I don't blame Him and I'm not mad. I am just realizing that God can not hear me. Even satan is in heaven right now, accusing men before God. In heaven. He has his coming to him but right now his ass is in heaven and I am in fucking hell.

My ego is hurt. I hate him. I hate him so much. I want him to disappear from my memory for good. I do not want to keep praying for him like I promised God I would. I do not want to be the nice Christian who blames everything on herself and thinks she has to make peace and make everything ok. Fuck him. He can go to hell for all I care. He can fucking rot in hell.

He is the biggest son of a fucking bitch I have ever met in my entire life.

And I am the biggest fucking moron. This is so old. And yet I'm still talking about it.

I am not the suicidal type, that is the stupidest thing anyone could ever do. But I do not want to live right now. I do not want to live if this is all I have to fucking look forward to. It's not worth it. None of it is fucking worth it and I give up. I am giving up because my life is in vain. It did not take one silly little relationship to make me like this. But it pushed me over the edge and all I have been wishing and hoping and waiting for is bullshit. My life is bullshit. My life is meaningless and worthless and I'm sorry Christian girl, your ass is losing big time. Just fucking give up now because you are weak and you have already lost. Why try anymore right?

Why try.

Anger. I am so angry. Hurt. I don't want to feel the hurt. I think I would rather the anger right now. I would rather the anger.

I hate my fucking existence. I want to fuck off and I don't care anymore. I do not care at all anymore.