Always a bridesmaid.....

I had a relatively good night last night. I went to the home meeting with C.O.C. last night with Bethany. It is starting to get a little cooler out so they were planning on having a fire in the "fire pit" as they say here, and making smores. Lol. Anyway I don't always hang out with these kids. At first I thought they were just really kind of wierd but they have grown on me and they are really sweet. I loved being around people who were just having fun. I realized I haven't done that in a long while. I have not had time to just be preoccupied with other people and share and enjoy. It was really nice and I didn't think of depressing things all night, just had fun and was around people.

I realize that a lot of my problems here stem from how reclusive I seem to have become. I go home and watch TV till I fall asleep. I have dinner by myself and I do all things alone when I am not at school or work. And I realized that my lack of a core of friends is why I get so down and perhaps why I placed so much emphasis on my relationship with FB. I know that I want someone of my own. But I suppose I was.......dare I say it......a little desperate for companionship, I was hell bent on making it work with FB. Except I am a bit of an attention whore. I am awfully quiet usually and don't act like it, but I crave attention. I want to be special to someone. Well, to everyone. I realize the immaturity of this but hey, I'm working on it. Promise. And the problem was that I wasn't special at all to him. Not his fault, just a fact of life I suppose.

Anyway last night I realized that if I had close friends to occupy my time, I wouldn't get so caught up in misery. I miss my girls from Georgia. The one goodthing that came out of Georgia, lol. I miss them and wish we could be together again. A girl needs her girlfs. She simply does.

Speaking of girlfs, guess who has been solicited to be a bridesmaid AGAIN? Thats right. Yours truly. It's my girlf from Iran. Well, she's Zimbo too but our parents worked together in Iran and thats where we met and she is here in the states a few states away from me. I went to her graduation a little while ago. Ya, her. She's getting married.

I feel bad because it hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean I suppose we had not been talking much and certainly not about what goes on in her love life. So when she called me this week and told me she was getting married to the love of her life, her prince charming, I was needless to say, speechless.

I'm happy for her. I truly am. She has been through a lot with guys and now she found a Christian man she can be madly in love with. Apparently his family is quite the big deal back home so this will be somewhat of a high-profile wedding. And it'll be back home. This August. And she wants me to be a bridesmaid. Hmmn.

I want to go simply because I feel honored she asked me I mean who am I that people want me to be a part of their weddings? I feel honored. I do.

But how can you be truly 100% happy for someone who has found their prince charming when your love life is a cause of misery to you? If I were just single and lonely, thats one thing. But here I have been having a really tough week and it just coincided with her happy news. I have stayed away from FB this week. I have said no to him and I have spent a couple of nights waiting for the darkness to be pushed away by the light of day. Nighttime is the hardest because I can't shut my mind off and I think and then I cry. I am purging. I have started to before but this time I am determined. I hope I make it this time. Anyway, so this week was bad for me and I began thinking about her love and how she prayed for him and God provided him. OK, i don't presume to know the mind of God and if His hand is truly on this but she seems so certain and who am I to question that? I hope it really is God because she deserves love like that. Everyone does. Well, maybe not EVERYONE, lol.

I am just rambling now. But her happiness shed light on my desolation. I am clinging onto a very thin sliver of hope that there is a man out there for me. I just don't really see it right now. If I am to be honest, I don't. But I can't stop my heart hoping right? I am coming to a crucial time in my life with graduation round the bend and I am scared. Not just the "finding a job" thing but the whole "please don't let me go through life like this" thing. I'm 23. That is young but also old at the same time ifthat makes any sense. I know loads of people who find love later in life but I don't want to. I want love when I am young. Selfish I know but it is what I want.

But I know I have to submit to God's plan and had I not stuffed it up with my adventures with all the wrong men, I probably would not feel as I do now. Maybe I wouldn't. Who's to know though right?

Why can't I stop talking about love for goodness sakes? What is wrong with me? Lol.