Bleh.

I am so sick of the kids that come into the store on Sunday nights. Perhaps I am just irritable when I have to work this late but they seem a little more annoying on Sunday nights. Overly enthusiastic and they roam around the store for ages chatting. Buy something and get out. Goodness.

Lol. OK so I am a little irritable.

I went to a Christians on Campus retreat today. Technically it was all weekend but I had the distinguished alumni gala I was invited to last night so I opted just to attend today's meetings.

I liked the retreat. I was dozing because I had to get up at six something so we could get on the road and make the morning meeting. It was an hour away. Plus I had a bit of a late night with FB last night. He was working the gala and I was attending.

It was super fancy dress. I was a little apprehensive about the whole fancy dress thing. I almost didn't buy a dress and was going to wear some frock out of my closet. Thank goodness my guardian angel is a fashionista and on top of her game. Lol. And my girlfriend B from C.O.C. was so sweet and took me to go look for one.

We were expecting the cheapest to be a dress on sale for $40 or $60, it was fancy dress afterall. Like super fancy dress, prom style. So we go to Windsor and are looking around and we came upon a dress that looked dangerously close to my bridesmaid dress from Red's wedding. But the material was not bridesmaidsy and I was partial to a red dress for some reason. It was floor length and cute. And marked $140. Hmmn.

SO there was a 50% off sale and it was on the sales rack and was already marked down but we weren't sure if it was half off the original or the new price and when we asked, SHOCK HORROR the saleslady said it was $15. It took a while for us to understand this but when we did we were chuffed. Then we saw that it was a size 4. Bugger. I'm not a four. But I tried it on anyway for kicks and giggles. It fit like a dream. What are the odds china? I mean really.

So I was chuffed, I had shoes and bought accesories (twice as much as the dress) and that was sorted.

Friday night I spent with FB. Ya, I know. Whatev. We got up late Saturday. Real late. He had to be at work and I had to get ready. So I was wondering what to do with my hair granted it is in a weave and I am not at home with the weave look. So I did spiral curls and put diamond (fake, durr) clips in it to disguise the bits where the tracks jutt out a bit.

Remind me never to do weaves again. They are not me.

Anyway I figured it all out and went to the gala. FB was in a suit. I have never seen him in a full suit. I have seen him in fancy shirt and tie (gorgeous) but never in a full suit. I was in heels so I was slightly taller than him which was awkward.

I knew one person at the entire shindig. And she had to know everyone there so I was so awkward. I hated it. I didn't have a date because I was told I could bring one short notice and all of my friends here were busy or didn't have fancy dress or went out of town. So I went all by my lonesome. It was....slightly tragic. I walked around at the champagne reception alone except for a few times I struck up convo with some people. And of course a few time FB came to chat me up.

Then they lost my reservation or whatever. I was invited by my scholarship sponsor and figured I would be sitting at his table. They could not find my name and then stuck me at a random table in the corner in the back. And there were two women who knew each other and a couple and an empty chair on either side of me. Tragedy. I looked rather pathetic and everything took so bloody long I must have read the programme eight million times nefore dinner arrived.

And then I had to sit through an hour of the award recipients' speeches and by the end of it all I was just knackered and wanted to go home. FB had gotten off early and went to hang out at my place until I was done. He picked me up after it all and we watched TV and spent the night together and then had to be up early so I could get ready. I almost didn't want to go but he forced me to get up and I'm glad I did. The meeting was nice.

We were talking about the New Jerusalem which was funny becuz me and B are going through revelation this semester and so it was perfect. The one thing that stuck out the most for me was when the guy said that we have "boldness in the blood" and not to depend on our feelings. I have been feeling extra far away from God because of my sins. I feel like there is a layer of filth between me and true enjoyment of the Lord. And so I have been waiting until it "felt right" whatever that means. But I was encouraged because I have boldness in the blood. It's not my mistakes or situations or feelings but the blood. When the Spirit of God saw the blood over the homes of the children of Israel, he passed over them. I have the blood of Jesus despite my transgressions. That is not to say I can do whatever I want. I must truly repent of my sins and stop them. I need to cut FB out of my life despite how much my heart (or something inside me anyway) aches for him and how alone I feel and how afraid that that loneliness will last forever I am.

I am a work in progress. I understand I am still young but I am meant to grow up too, not bask in youthful ignorance.

I spent the weekend with FB practically and it was great at the time but I know it was wrong and not what God wants for me. I know I am behaving hypocritically. I am trying to wrap my brain around this. I know I am addicted to him but I need to extract him from my soul.

I know he cares about me. TO AN EXTENT. Thats the key. It is not that he does not care about me like I wanted so badly to believe. That is what makes it so hard. I know he is not pretending. But I know that he does not care enough for me and not in the way I want him to. He will never. And it is hard to accept that because he is under my skin kind of. Tragic I know.

You will know I am on the path of recovery when EVERY SINGLE POST does not involve him. Lol. I am trying guys, I truly am.