I really do. I am here in Amsterdam right now. Its only bloody 6 in the morning and the last leg of my horrific trip is in 9 hours. I have 9 hours to kill here. What kind is that? And my body is sooooo numb right now. No, it's not numb it is screaming bloody murder right now. I have been travelling for officially a day now and i am so ready to rest already. I just got off an eight hour flight from Detroit after nearly dying at that airport of boredom because i had a five hour layover. Now i have nine blissful hours to look forward to and my body is rebelling. I am so tense it's ridiculous. I just walked up and down for about six thousand miles trying to find the right trasnfer desk and when i finally did i realized i had walked past it about a billion times already. Anyway, they have a massage parlor downstairs, it only opens at 8:30 am but i looked at the price list, they are bloody mad! 25 Euro for an Aqua massage? I mean, it probably is worth it but i am broke, i need cheap deals here!!
So my back is sore, my neck is sore, my arms are sore, my head hurts like hell and i am tired. I wanna go home now. I wish my flight from Detroit had been direct to Tehran, i could've handled that better than this infernal waiting, it drives me mad. I am seriously thinking of getting a hotel room so i can lie down for seven hours because i have another long flight ahead of me and the way i feel now, it's not looking good.
I just paid $4.40 for fifteen minutes of internet service Ugh!!!! And i am running out of time and i haven't even got to the really good part. Yes, you guessed it my clever friend, Bigg. Yesterday (whenever the heck that was since my time is off wack right now) was such a great day. I was getting ready to leave and..... well actually it started Thursday night/Friday morning (yeah we went till three thirty this time) on the phone with him. Ugh, but the thing is flashing and about to cut me off. To be continued.....
Saturday, December 11
I need a massage!!!!
Monday, December 6
I'm so excited!
I got an A in Bio!!!!! I got an A!!! I am exempt from the final!! YES! Ok, steady. calm down chick. Ok. I'm good. Well, in all honesty, that man gave me that A, i know i was not making an A in that class. Granted i got a 100% on the last quiz we had but that quiz was horribly easy and i actually studied for it. I didn't think it was worth much, and it probably wasn't but he still gave me an A. I suppose i should be upset that he felt the need to give it to me instead of what i really earned, but bump that, i don't have to take the final. Girlfriend is happy! Ah yes, only three finals to worry about now and one is an English paper. I am not too sure about Psychology. Hmmn. But i will do well, i just know i will. Another thing about my Bio Professor. He must have gotten the memo that i am going to Iran and thought i said Iraq. As he gave me my final grade he had this sympathetic look on his face and said "Good luck with your tour." I just smiled and said thank you then when i got outside it hit me. He thinks i am being shipped off to war. The look he gave me was a "Poor girl, we'll probably never see you alive" look. I wonder if that's why he gave me an A. He's going to catch a shock when he sees me in his Bio 1108 class next semester and when he puts together that i am going to IRAN and for holiday at that. Huh.
I am excited still about going home. A little saddened by the fact that i will not see Bigg for a good minute and when we come back we will be estranged and back to just hi/bye when we pass each other. He called me Friday night. Or should i say Saturday mornng realy, he called just after midnight Friday. Of coarse i wasn't here, i went home this weekend to do last minute shopping. But in any event, he rang. I saw his number on my caller I.D. and got happy for a second, I checked my messages and there was none from him. I dunno what he wanted in the wee hours of the morning, but i didn't call him to find out. He has me running after him like a wounded animal all the time, it isnot cute. If he wants to talk, he'll call again. He has less than a week. We'll keep you posted on progress of that one.
I need to type up my English paper and read the play for today. I am such a procrastinator.
Oh yeah, i get back yesterday and there is a sign on the bulletin board that all of Phillip's workers who didn't help out and work four hours on the float are currently unemployed. I had no idea about the float and i went home this weekend and so i didn't help out. I seem to be the only R.A. who didn't and so i dunno what that means. I am praying i didn't lose my job over something so foolish. I really hope he just meant deskworkers cuz i really need this job. It's just sad really. But i am trusting God that all is well.
Ok, i really have to start my paper now, it's due in two hours. Right.
I am excited still about going home. A little saddened by the fact that i will not see Bigg for a good minute and when we come back we will be estranged and back to just hi/bye when we pass each other. He called me Friday night. Or should i say Saturday mornng realy, he called just after midnight Friday. Of coarse i wasn't here, i went home this weekend to do last minute shopping. But in any event, he rang. I saw his number on my caller I.D. and got happy for a second, I checked my messages and there was none from him. I dunno what he wanted in the wee hours of the morning, but i didn't call him to find out. He has me running after him like a wounded animal all the time, it isnot cute. If he wants to talk, he'll call again. He has less than a week. We'll keep you posted on progress of that one.
I need to type up my English paper and read the play for today. I am such a procrastinator.
Oh yeah, i get back yesterday and there is a sign on the bulletin board that all of Phillip's workers who didn't help out and work four hours on the float are currently unemployed. I had no idea about the float and i went home this weekend and so i didn't help out. I seem to be the only R.A. who didn't and so i dunno what that means. I am praying i didn't lose my job over something so foolish. I really hope he just meant deskworkers cuz i really need this job. It's just sad really. But i am trusting God that all is well.
Ok, i really have to start my paper now, it's due in two hours. Right.
Friday, December 3
Mind Games
I have one week left before i fly out. I am anxious. This is my last weekend and instead of spending it here at school i am going home to shop and do last minute stuff before i leave. Aunty M is taking me to Jacksonville to do some serious shopping. That should be fun. And stressful.
He's playing mind games with me. Bigg. OK, i got back to skwa on Sunday. I spent most of the night with Miguel working on the paper. Not really, but theoretically. Anyway, i was preoccupied. And Monday and Tuesday i was preoccuppied too. I stayed that way. I stayed in my room and took all the routes around campus that would ensure i wouldn't bump into him. Bigg. So Wednesday rolls around and i am minding my own business. I walk behind the building he works in. Next thing i know when i turn the corner, he comes out of the side door calling my name. Bigg. I stopped and took off my headphones thinking he wanted something. He didn't. He just wanted to chat. Asked why i hadn't called him. Small talk. He was meant to be working but he came out to chat. What is that? So we small chat and stuff, nothing important though he asked when i was leaving and made some silly comment about me catching my flight in (insert city name) just so i'd be close to him. He didn't say that but he did mention my catching the flight there so i just assumed that's what he was alluding to. Right. So i said i didn't think so. He was only kidding.
I had been carrying my discman and notebook in my hand and set them down on the ledge when he came out. He moved my discman and looked at my open notebook and read out the first line of a poem i wrote about him playing games with me. I coud have died. I grabbed it and told him my poetry was private. He found that amusing. That was the end of that conversation. So out of the blue. I hated that he did that. Why would he do that? I have finally resolved to not concern myself with him and he pulls this after i go half the week with no problems. And then, as per usual, it goes back to what it was. I see him Thursday and we are back to being distant aquaintances. Mind games. I am trying to move on with life again. This repetativeness is so not cute. Thank God i am leaving in a couple of hours. I 'll have the weekend to be away and unavailable. And then next week i am off. I just wish i could shut off my thoughts of him. I have a feeling i will carry them with to Iran and spend four miserable weeks wondering why he doesn't want me and why i can't be what he's looking for. I am sad, i realise this. But what can a girl do right? But i am working on it, i will overcome this one too. I have to, else i go mad.
I think i am misexpressing myself here. Bigg is not the one i am mad at. I am mad at me. I read into this thing all wrong and got tangled in my own mess. He is just a nice guy who thought it might be cool to get to know that quiet girl that doesn't speak much to people. And that was that. And i took it the wrong way. Ah well. Don't you love when life does that to you?
I got a class right now. He's right downstairs i think. Damn.
He's playing mind games with me. Bigg. OK, i got back to skwa on Sunday. I spent most of the night with Miguel working on the paper. Not really, but theoretically. Anyway, i was preoccupied. And Monday and Tuesday i was preoccuppied too. I stayed that way. I stayed in my room and took all the routes around campus that would ensure i wouldn't bump into him. Bigg. So Wednesday rolls around and i am minding my own business. I walk behind the building he works in. Next thing i know when i turn the corner, he comes out of the side door calling my name. Bigg. I stopped and took off my headphones thinking he wanted something. He didn't. He just wanted to chat. Asked why i hadn't called him. Small talk. He was meant to be working but he came out to chat. What is that? So we small chat and stuff, nothing important though he asked when i was leaving and made some silly comment about me catching my flight in (insert city name) just so i'd be close to him. He didn't say that but he did mention my catching the flight there so i just assumed that's what he was alluding to. Right. So i said i didn't think so. He was only kidding.
I had been carrying my discman and notebook in my hand and set them down on the ledge when he came out. He moved my discman and looked at my open notebook and read out the first line of a poem i wrote about him playing games with me. I coud have died. I grabbed it and told him my poetry was private. He found that amusing. That was the end of that conversation. So out of the blue. I hated that he did that. Why would he do that? I have finally resolved to not concern myself with him and he pulls this after i go half the week with no problems. And then, as per usual, it goes back to what it was. I see him Thursday and we are back to being distant aquaintances. Mind games. I am trying to move on with life again. This repetativeness is so not cute. Thank God i am leaving in a couple of hours. I 'll have the weekend to be away and unavailable. And then next week i am off. I just wish i could shut off my thoughts of him. I have a feeling i will carry them with to Iran and spend four miserable weeks wondering why he doesn't want me and why i can't be what he's looking for. I am sad, i realise this. But what can a girl do right? But i am working on it, i will overcome this one too. I have to, else i go mad.
I think i am misexpressing myself here. Bigg is not the one i am mad at. I am mad at me. I read into this thing all wrong and got tangled in my own mess. He is just a nice guy who thought it might be cool to get to know that quiet girl that doesn't speak much to people. And that was that. And i took it the wrong way. Ah well. Don't you love when life does that to you?
I got a class right now. He's right downstairs i think. Damn.
Saturday, November 27
I dunno
I've lost weight. I've lost bloody six pounds....... excuse my language. That is not a good thing for someone like me. I am underweight and it's not cute at all and i need to gain but i have not been eating much the last two weeks or so, i honestly cannot stomach that crap they serve us at school. So now i'm home. I have been for four days and i leave tomorrow afternoon. I have been eating regularly. It's been good but i dunno if i can gain enough. I need to gain ten pounds and i'll be happy. Just ten. Only ten. Then it can stop.
My friend Arlene called just now, from Germany. I luv Arls, she is the coolest. I hadn't heard from her in a bit so it made my day to get that call. We talked about stuff that goes on with us. School, work and such. I told her all about Bigg and she told me about Walter. Her Walter. It's awfully sweet really. Anyway it was good to hear someone else's voice and not the annoying people i am forced to be around all the time. You can possibly tell i am sick of America. Ugh.
I heard from mum. I kinda regret telling her i was interested in Big since everything is all buggered now. I dunno how to explain the foolishness that is my love life. I think my luv life, on top of arriving entirely too late, was born demented and disfigured. I can't exactly chuck it, cuz i only get one, but it needs a lot of help at the moment. Bigg is driving me bonkers. And the really strange thing is, it's probably all in my head. In fact i am sure it is all in my head but i can't help it. But then again i am the complete loon who called him about five gazillion billion times this week, for no good reason. Bugger, bugger, bugger!
I just watched the new Bridget Jones film. Absolutely fabulous movie really. I love British flicks and this one happens to be brilliant. I think Bridge's character is meant to make off-beat girls, like me, feel like there is hope and that we really don't need to be perfect to have someone love us madly. Mark (Bridge's luv interest) was totally sweet and just.....oh i dunno, i just loved the way he loved Bridge. She was so off and slightly fat and had her really really dumb moments but she was adorable. I want to be myself like she is in the movie. That is........aside from the whole it-was-actually-Renee-Zellwigger-playing-a-role thing. But anyway, i want a guy to love me for me and not mind my imperfections (cuz we all know i have a lot of those) and just be mad about the wierd, quirky, kinda-on-the-bony-side, pimply-faced at times, funky-ok-kinda-scary hair, skinny-scarred legs, no-tits, off-white teeth, moody, indecisive, horribly shy-at-times, silly-childish, dreamy fatasizy, gross ear-thing, wierd toed, weave-wearing, self degrading, judgemental, smiley faced, annoyingly pestering control freak that is the wonderful, lovable ME. I want to feel comfortable and to know that my guy loves me, not wonder all the blasted time.
But anyway, i digress. Fab movie, i would go watch it again i think.
My friend Clark is forever telling me to stop putting myself down. But honestly, that's not completely what i think of myself. I do have some fab qualities really. I am affectionate (at times), a great listener.............mostly, when i love i love with everything i have. Almost everything, i am a virgin after all. Right, there's another one, i am chaste. I am playful, i joke a lot and have a witty disposition. My eyes are pretty in the right light and my tum is flat. Slightly hairy, i'll admit, but not visibly. My style is.....very me. Friends and family are totally important to me and i try to cherish them plus i can cook, i am mostly humble......i am. Really. I don't smoke or drink (much) and i am totally nice. WHen i am not annoyed. Right.
Ok, i obviously have nothing to write about tonight so i'll stop there. Gorgeous.
My friend Arlene called just now, from Germany. I luv Arls, she is the coolest. I hadn't heard from her in a bit so it made my day to get that call. We talked about stuff that goes on with us. School, work and such. I told her all about Bigg and she told me about Walter. Her Walter. It's awfully sweet really. Anyway it was good to hear someone else's voice and not the annoying people i am forced to be around all the time. You can possibly tell i am sick of America. Ugh.
I heard from mum. I kinda regret telling her i was interested in Big since everything is all buggered now. I dunno how to explain the foolishness that is my love life. I think my luv life, on top of arriving entirely too late, was born demented and disfigured. I can't exactly chuck it, cuz i only get one, but it needs a lot of help at the moment. Bigg is driving me bonkers. And the really strange thing is, it's probably all in my head. In fact i am sure it is all in my head but i can't help it. But then again i am the complete loon who called him about five gazillion billion times this week, for no good reason. Bugger, bugger, bugger!
I just watched the new Bridget Jones film. Absolutely fabulous movie really. I love British flicks and this one happens to be brilliant. I think Bridge's character is meant to make off-beat girls, like me, feel like there is hope and that we really don't need to be perfect to have someone love us madly. Mark (Bridge's luv interest) was totally sweet and just.....oh i dunno, i just loved the way he loved Bridge. She was so off and slightly fat and had her really really dumb moments but she was adorable. I want to be myself like she is in the movie. That is........aside from the whole it-was-actually-Renee-Zellwigger-playing-a-role thing. But anyway, i want a guy to love me for me and not mind my imperfections (cuz we all know i have a lot of those) and just be mad about the wierd, quirky, kinda-on-the-bony-side, pimply-faced at times, funky-ok-kinda-scary hair, skinny-scarred legs, no-tits, off-white teeth, moody, indecisive, horribly shy-at-times, silly-childish, dreamy fatasizy, gross ear-thing, wierd toed, weave-wearing, self degrading, judgemental, smiley faced, annoyingly pestering control freak that is the wonderful, lovable ME. I want to feel comfortable and to know that my guy loves me, not wonder all the blasted time.
But anyway, i digress. Fab movie, i would go watch it again i think.
My friend Clark is forever telling me to stop putting myself down. But honestly, that's not completely what i think of myself. I do have some fab qualities really. I am affectionate (at times), a great listener.............mostly, when i love i love with everything i have. Almost everything, i am a virgin after all. Right, there's another one, i am chaste. I am playful, i joke a lot and have a witty disposition. My eyes are pretty in the right light and my tum is flat. Slightly hairy, i'll admit, but not visibly. My style is.....very me. Friends and family are totally important to me and i try to cherish them plus i can cook, i am mostly humble......i am. Really. I don't smoke or drink (much) and i am totally nice. WHen i am not annoyed. Right.
Ok, i obviously have nothing to write about tonight so i'll stop there. Gorgeous.
Friday, November 26
Tripped Up Again
Well, so much for that. I spoke to Bigg last night. This was after i left a message on his phone on Tuesday night saying how i didn't want to run up behind him. I called him once, he didn't pick up and i didn't leave a message. I called Slim and she convinced me to call him again. So i did. He was at the movies with his sister. I said i would call him back at midnight. I did and he still wasn't home. I should have gone with my instinct and said i would talk to him some other time. But he said to call him in an hour. So i did. I felt like such a moron. I had nothing to say and this whole teasing thing is getting a little old. Plus he isn't a night person so he was falling asleep and he said why don't i holla at him tomorrow (today) when i had a free moment. I finally woke up. I said i'd talk to him Sunday when we got back to school. I am not going to call him though. I don't need this.
He gave me a "sister" hug Tuesday. He didn't hold me tight and he swayed from foot to foot. That's a "little sister" hug. I let my foolish feelings get in the way and imagined it was something more. I hate this flip flopping from feeling to feeling every week. I really do. I used to be an intelligent person. Now i've let infatuation infiltrate this dam i have so meticulously spent time building against my feelings. I've leaked in ways i cannot imagine i let myself. I opened up to Miguel and Slim and virtually everyone i know knows there is a guy i call Bigg that i like. They know every last detail about everything and that is not me. I do not share anything about me, i keep myself closed to everyone and i remember why. I feel vulnerable now and stupid. I hate feeling stupid. My pride is wounded.
I am not calling him, in fact i have blacked out his number from my phonebook. I am going to erase all traces of said number from my phone and anything else. I am going to get up again and revert to the way i was, i liked the way i was. I wasn't in any position to get hurt. If he calls, i'll be cordial but will limit conversations to as short as possible. How much do you want to bet he won't call?
I may seem extreme, but i know how feelings can destroy a person. I am not giving in to the lies they tell me. I am worth too much to be chasing after someone. I have too much pride to do such and i faltered for a second there but i am getting back on track. I'll be fine. I just wish i didn't feel so crap.
He gave me a "sister" hug Tuesday. He didn't hold me tight and he swayed from foot to foot. That's a "little sister" hug. I let my foolish feelings get in the way and imagined it was something more. I hate this flip flopping from feeling to feeling every week. I really do. I used to be an intelligent person. Now i've let infatuation infiltrate this dam i have so meticulously spent time building against my feelings. I've leaked in ways i cannot imagine i let myself. I opened up to Miguel and Slim and virtually everyone i know knows there is a guy i call Bigg that i like. They know every last detail about everything and that is not me. I do not share anything about me, i keep myself closed to everyone and i remember why. I feel vulnerable now and stupid. I hate feeling stupid. My pride is wounded.
I am not calling him, in fact i have blacked out his number from my phonebook. I am going to erase all traces of said number from my phone and anything else. I am going to get up again and revert to the way i was, i liked the way i was. I wasn't in any position to get hurt. If he calls, i'll be cordial but will limit conversations to as short as possible. How much do you want to bet he won't call?
I may seem extreme, but i know how feelings can destroy a person. I am not giving in to the lies they tell me. I am worth too much to be chasing after someone. I have too much pride to do such and i faltered for a second there but i am getting back on track. I'll be fine. I just wish i didn't feel so crap.
Wednesday, November 24
Smiley face
I got my I.D. finally. I am relieved cuz I have been meaning to for the longest and finally got it. And my cuzin Pippa just got her license, I am happy for her. She is ecstatic really. I want to get mine now too. I don't like driving, well I can't say that yet because I dunno how and I have been excited about it but just lazy to go through with it. But I dunno, I just need to learn and get it already. I'm about to be 21 in a minute so I needs to get it.
Today was a good day....well it's only half over but anyway it's been good so far. I am not too worried about the Bigg thing anymore, stupid as it was. I can honestly be a daft cow sometimes. But I have been preoccupied with other things that I haven't dwelt on the negative. I have had happy thoughts about him and I am still reeling from the hug he gave me. I really really really like him. Just in case I hadn't established that bit.
I have to prep for a day of cooking and all that jazz. I am anxious about shopping, you just don't understand. I need shoes and shoes galore!! And clothes. But my main focus has to be my family. I still need to assemble gifts for them. But I can't forget the smellies, I need new smellies. I love smellies. That's spritzes and perfumes and oils and all that jazz that makes me smell like sugar and spice and everything nice. And some sexy night things. Don't get excited, it's just in case Bigg happens to wander up to my floor and "accidentally" catches me coming out of the shower. Oh, I'm kidding! But I still want them night thangs. I need to get my hair done. I think this time I'll go sexy waves up to the shoulder. Looks great when full and wet. And I need to fix my outer me. I need to achieve sexy somehow. I figure if I get my locks done, make sure my skin looks beautiful and my style is sophisticated steamy, then maybe Bigg will be forced to.......ok ok let me stop right there. It wouldn't be for Bigg. Not wholly. It needs to be for me. I want to feel sexy. But at the same time I want Bigg. And I hate anxiety and self-consciousness. I want to be confident enough to know that the reason we don't work out, God forbid, is all on him. I don't want him to have to consider me. I want to be a given. I want him to want me.
I understand the outside isn't everything and usually doesn't fill any sort of void in a person, I get that. But I don't want that to be an excuse to let myself go. A girl needs to feel pretty and I wanna feel damn sexy. I imagine it's a great feeling. But imagination is overrated. Reality is what it all boils down to.
So we can safely say today I am positive and determined. Let's hope I don't trip over some foolishness. I am on a mission and I am gonna get what I want. BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. Well....... not any means, but most. Smooches!
Today was a good day....well it's only half over but anyway it's been good so far. I am not too worried about the Bigg thing anymore, stupid as it was. I can honestly be a daft cow sometimes. But I have been preoccupied with other things that I haven't dwelt on the negative. I have had happy thoughts about him and I am still reeling from the hug he gave me. I really really really like him. Just in case I hadn't established that bit.
I have to prep for a day of cooking and all that jazz. I am anxious about shopping, you just don't understand. I need shoes and shoes galore!! And clothes. But my main focus has to be my family. I still need to assemble gifts for them. But I can't forget the smellies, I need new smellies. I love smellies. That's spritzes and perfumes and oils and all that jazz that makes me smell like sugar and spice and everything nice. And some sexy night things. Don't get excited, it's just in case Bigg happens to wander up to my floor and "accidentally" catches me coming out of the shower. Oh, I'm kidding! But I still want them night thangs. I need to get my hair done. I think this time I'll go sexy waves up to the shoulder. Looks great when full and wet. And I need to fix my outer me. I need to achieve sexy somehow. I figure if I get my locks done, make sure my skin looks beautiful and my style is sophisticated steamy, then maybe Bigg will be forced to.......ok ok let me stop right there. It wouldn't be for Bigg. Not wholly. It needs to be for me. I want to feel sexy. But at the same time I want Bigg. And I hate anxiety and self-consciousness. I want to be confident enough to know that the reason we don't work out, God forbid, is all on him. I don't want him to have to consider me. I want to be a given. I want him to want me.
I understand the outside isn't everything and usually doesn't fill any sort of void in a person, I get that. But I don't want that to be an excuse to let myself go. A girl needs to feel pretty and I wanna feel damn sexy. I imagine it's a great feeling. But imagination is overrated. Reality is what it all boils down to.
So we can safely say today I am positive and determined. Let's hope I don't trip over some foolishness. I am on a mission and I am gonna get what I want. BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY. Well....... not any means, but most. Smooches!
Tuesday, November 23
Stupid
Why do i do this to myself? Why? I just called Bigg. On a stupid whim. I am making myself a bug-a-boo now. I got his voicemail, i know his minutes aren't free yet. Ugh! I shouldn't have left a message but i did and i panicked and said something so dumb, i sounded so confused and desperate and now i'm screwed. I do not want to scare him off by being too available but i can't tell you what possessed me to do it, i just did. I had just gotten off the phone with Miguel and i just called him. I said something uninspired like "i just called to give you my number and oh yeah... you still have my paper...k Bye!" Fuck me! I am so stupid! He knows now that i had him on the brain and wanted some dumb excuse to call him. I am the gold brick of stupid from the idiot bank.
Happy Face
I woke up this morning, sun shining bright and i put on my happy face. Well, i put on my Destiny's Child Cd and listened to that song. Anyway i have my happy face on and in full effect. Yes, you guessed it, Bigg. Ok, i just have to clarify that my life does not revolve around the man, just my blog. Nothing more, i promise. The boy has me scribbled over him. And i don't think he even knows it. Well, he does a little.
Ok, here's what went down today in the land of Sam. I got up at 10, i know it was really late. I was awake and in my bed from 6:45 but i got up at ten to get ready for my 11 o'clock. I put on my favourite shirt, one that i can confidently say i look good in. I did my hair and face and all that and went to class, I was really restless cuz it was the last class i had before Thanksgiving break. Anyway i got my test back and i didn't do so hot on the essay and i can understand why, i did not give it my best that day. I got a 96% and tied for top score but i coud have gotten 108% and i really wanted it. In any event, i have the final left so i am still going to come out with an A. Perhaps my only A this semester. My GPA is going to suffer if i don't get a C in Bio and and A in everything else. But i am praying i get an A in Lit and Psychology. God help me.
Right, so now the good bit. So after class i went to [insert building name here] with the intention of looking for Bigg. I had this article i wanted him to read and plus i was leaving for break today and wanted to talk to him before i left. He was eating so he said he'd come to where i was going to be. I have him the article and he was working so he said he'd get it back to me. Then when i was walking up to the journalism office, he stopped me on the staircase and said some name in Zulu i think that meant to be kept, it started with a G. He was attempting to find my middle name and he didn't. Aww. He was researching on my language to find it out. I offered to tell hm but he refused. Anyway i had to go eat and stuff. Towards the time i had to leave (my aunt was picking me up to go home) i swung by where he was working. Thank goodness he was alone, i prefer it that way. I sat with him and talked rubbish for about an hour. It was cute, i think. I said really dumb things like i always do when i am around him. But he looked so sexy today. And i was running late, knowing my poor aunt was waiting but i wanted to be around him. At the end of it all i was leaving and he asked if he got no hug. Inside i was doing my crazy happy dance. I hugged him, and not just a quick hug but we held on for a bit and he rocked back and forth from foot to foot. He felt so good, you just don't know. I wanted it to be tighter but i settled for what i got. Even in heels i'm still shorter than him. And i love broad-ish shoulders on a man and he's an ex football player. Ugh! Yum. I just hope i was on point.
I am so anxious to kiss him. I know that'll probably never happen, we are just buddies. I like him but i dunno if i mean as much to him. I know he is getting over his ex, it's only been 3 months and who's to say i could ever hold a candle to her? Plus he was with her for two years. She meant something to him. They broke up because of distance and trust issues. Hmmn. We are going to be in seperate locations after the spring and i don't think he wants to complicate his life with that again. It's gonna hurt me sooo much. I just know it will. I want him that badly, and no it's not all lust. I want to know him deeply. I want to be there for him and be his confidante. I want him to feel like i'll always be there for him, i want to make him happy. My gosh, i sound like i am ready to marry the boy. Maybe i just fall too easily. I have officially fallen for him, despite all i say and all the drama. I am not so deluded to even consider it being love, but i know that my feelings have been invested. It's too late. I am gonna get hurt and i am afraid of that. I have liked guys before, but not guys i had no problems with. I mean me and Bigg don't know each other well at all, i dunno what i have fallen for exactly but i am powerfully drawn to him, in ways i don't understand. I wish i weren't but i am. I can't deny that, at least not to myself.
My goodness this is going to end badly. But i am the one who wanted to experience life right? And this is part of life. Heartache. My heart already aches for what i dread is coming. I am not trying to speak that into my life. I want me and Bigg to develop and have a chance to exist as an us. But my timing is so off. He is at a point, i think, where he isn't ready to commit himself to anything serious. He has big plans for his life and he is goal oriented and so good about that. One of the things that makes him irrisistable to me. But i'm not sure he is figuring a relationship right now. He told me he was too young to tie himself down right now. Clear as day. So why'd i let myself get attached, and so fast? Couldn't help it. I am such a deluded moron.
Ok, here's what went down today in the land of Sam. I got up at 10, i know it was really late. I was awake and in my bed from 6:45 but i got up at ten to get ready for my 11 o'clock. I put on my favourite shirt, one that i can confidently say i look good in. I did my hair and face and all that and went to class, I was really restless cuz it was the last class i had before Thanksgiving break. Anyway i got my test back and i didn't do so hot on the essay and i can understand why, i did not give it my best that day. I got a 96% and tied for top score but i coud have gotten 108% and i really wanted it. In any event, i have the final left so i am still going to come out with an A. Perhaps my only A this semester. My GPA is going to suffer if i don't get a C in Bio and and A in everything else. But i am praying i get an A in Lit and Psychology. God help me.
Right, so now the good bit. So after class i went to [insert building name here] with the intention of looking for Bigg. I had this article i wanted him to read and plus i was leaving for break today and wanted to talk to him before i left. He was eating so he said he'd come to where i was going to be. I have him the article and he was working so he said he'd get it back to me. Then when i was walking up to the journalism office, he stopped me on the staircase and said some name in Zulu i think that meant to be kept, it started with a G. He was attempting to find my middle name and he didn't. Aww. He was researching on my language to find it out. I offered to tell hm but he refused. Anyway i had to go eat and stuff. Towards the time i had to leave (my aunt was picking me up to go home) i swung by where he was working. Thank goodness he was alone, i prefer it that way. I sat with him and talked rubbish for about an hour. It was cute, i think. I said really dumb things like i always do when i am around him. But he looked so sexy today. And i was running late, knowing my poor aunt was waiting but i wanted to be around him. At the end of it all i was leaving and he asked if he got no hug. Inside i was doing my crazy happy dance. I hugged him, and not just a quick hug but we held on for a bit and he rocked back and forth from foot to foot. He felt so good, you just don't know. I wanted it to be tighter but i settled for what i got. Even in heels i'm still shorter than him. And i love broad-ish shoulders on a man and he's an ex football player. Ugh! Yum. I just hope i was on point.
I am so anxious to kiss him. I know that'll probably never happen, we are just buddies. I like him but i dunno if i mean as much to him. I know he is getting over his ex, it's only been 3 months and who's to say i could ever hold a candle to her? Plus he was with her for two years. She meant something to him. They broke up because of distance and trust issues. Hmmn. We are going to be in seperate locations after the spring and i don't think he wants to complicate his life with that again. It's gonna hurt me sooo much. I just know it will. I want him that badly, and no it's not all lust. I want to know him deeply. I want to be there for him and be his confidante. I want him to feel like i'll always be there for him, i want to make him happy. My gosh, i sound like i am ready to marry the boy. Maybe i just fall too easily. I have officially fallen for him, despite all i say and all the drama. I am not so deluded to even consider it being love, but i know that my feelings have been invested. It's too late. I am gonna get hurt and i am afraid of that. I have liked guys before, but not guys i had no problems with. I mean me and Bigg don't know each other well at all, i dunno what i have fallen for exactly but i am powerfully drawn to him, in ways i don't understand. I wish i weren't but i am. I can't deny that, at least not to myself.
My goodness this is going to end badly. But i am the one who wanted to experience life right? And this is part of life. Heartache. My heart already aches for what i dread is coming. I am not trying to speak that into my life. I want me and Bigg to develop and have a chance to exist as an us. But my timing is so off. He is at a point, i think, where he isn't ready to commit himself to anything serious. He has big plans for his life and he is goal oriented and so good about that. One of the things that makes him irrisistable to me. But i'm not sure he is figuring a relationship right now. He told me he was too young to tie himself down right now. Clear as day. So why'd i let myself get attached, and so fast? Couldn't help it. I am such a deluded moron.
Monday, November 22
I am such a deluded moron
I am such a deluded moron. Ok, i was pissed last night so i decided to swallow my pride and call Bigg. For a while we were playing phone tag but finally he rang while i was in. I asked him if a person didn't call him if that meant he wouldn't call them. He said i wanted him to run up behind me all the time and he wasn't doing it. Honestly. Ok, so we talked till 1:30 a.m. And now i am happy again. We'll see how short lived it is this time hey?
We talked rubbish most of the night. Lots and lots of inuendos. Very coy. At one point i asked him what he was doing and he sad he was snapping his belt. So i jokingly remarked that i didn't realise he was the kinky type. He laughed and asked if i liked to be spanked. I told him i believed he was in the process of spanking some woman. How silly was that whole conversation? At another point he asked what i would get him for Christmas,. I asked what he wanted. He said he wanted me. Then he said he was joking. Hmmn. I'd quite like that actually. And i could probably afford it. I'm kidding. Let me stop.
I never really realized how pathetic a soul i am until now. Do you know hearing Bigg's voice turns me on? Literally. Considering who's gonna read this, i should probably stop there with that.
I just saw him. He was working. I promised him last night that i wouldn't ignore him today and would be nice to him. I promised i'd give him a hug. But he was at work just now. I couldn't exactly do anything with his boss right there now could i? I did wave though.
We had an interesteing chat about his last relationship last night and he explained to me the concept of"talking" as Americans like to put it. I kinda get why he is so relationship wary right now. I hate it though, but i understand that whatever transpires between the two of us will not be serious, not at this point. Damn. Ok, enough Bigg talk for now, I'm sprung. We've acknowledged that bit. Life goes on.
I.......need to go. I'm bored all of a sudden.
We talked rubbish most of the night. Lots and lots of inuendos. Very coy. At one point i asked him what he was doing and he sad he was snapping his belt. So i jokingly remarked that i didn't realise he was the kinky type. He laughed and asked if i liked to be spanked. I told him i believed he was in the process of spanking some woman. How silly was that whole conversation? At another point he asked what i would get him for Christmas,. I asked what he wanted. He said he wanted me. Then he said he was joking. Hmmn. I'd quite like that actually. And i could probably afford it. I'm kidding. Let me stop.
I never really realized how pathetic a soul i am until now. Do you know hearing Bigg's voice turns me on? Literally. Considering who's gonna read this, i should probably stop there with that.
I just saw him. He was working. I promised him last night that i wouldn't ignore him today and would be nice to him. I promised i'd give him a hug. But he was at work just now. I couldn't exactly do anything with his boss right there now could i? I did wave though.
We had an interesteing chat about his last relationship last night and he explained to me the concept of"talking" as Americans like to put it. I kinda get why he is so relationship wary right now. I hate it though, but i understand that whatever transpires between the two of us will not be serious, not at this point. Damn. Ok, enough Bigg talk for now, I'm sprung. We've acknowledged that bit. Life goes on.
I.......need to go. I'm bored all of a sudden.
Sunday, November 21
Sadder than Blue
No i'm not. I am giddy right now. I am really giddy because i am trying it as an anti depressant. I am hanging out with Lace in her room, she's trying on her mini's. The little bastard looks cool. She has a really nice shape for them and she looks cute though she is afraid to wear these in public. She's nuts.
Terrell gave his first sermon today. I was sooo proud of him man!! All the guys from the dorms, well a lot of them anyway, came to see him. I went cuz i go to Hightower anyway and i wanted to support him. Me and Eboni and Jules and Peta did. It was good, he did good.
But it wasn't all good. One of the guys that came was Bigg. I saw him and he passed right by me. He ignored me. His friend was right behind him and he said hi to me. But Bigg acted as if i were see through. After the service he bolted and left immediately. He hasn't called me all week and everytime i see him he acts like i am a nothing. I have come to terms with the notion that he got bored with me or thought i was getting too attached, which i probably am, and so he is trying to shake me lest i bug him further. I hate this. I need a grip.
Terrell gave his first sermon today. I was sooo proud of him man!! All the guys from the dorms, well a lot of them anyway, came to see him. I went cuz i go to Hightower anyway and i wanted to support him. Me and Eboni and Jules and Peta did. It was good, he did good.
But it wasn't all good. One of the guys that came was Bigg. I saw him and he passed right by me. He ignored me. His friend was right behind him and he said hi to me. But Bigg acted as if i were see through. After the service he bolted and left immediately. He hasn't called me all week and everytime i see him he acts like i am a nothing. I have come to terms with the notion that he got bored with me or thought i was getting too attached, which i probably am, and so he is trying to shake me lest i bug him further. I hate this. I need a grip.
Saturday, November 20
Vacation
I need a vacation. Lacy and i came to Waycross today. She had a doc's appointment and i needed to get out of Douglas and save what little sanity i have left. Ugh. I never knew i could miss Waycross so much till we drove into town. Waycross is seriously not your sprawling metropolis, but compared to freakin Douglas, i am so relieved to be away. I think it's been too long. About four weeks. Not a big deal to some, but i am not some. I am glad to be away even if it is just for the day. I am meant to be on RA duty this weekend but i figure a couple of hours out of town won't be a big deal right? Let's hope so. Cuz i really need this paycheck.
I came home to a stack of magazines and bills and my aunt and uncle, Bless their souls. I am worried about them, they are not feeling too hot and i can see it in my aunt. She is usually the picture of sprite but her walk is a lot slower and she looks tired and she's not getting sleep because of her back pain. I feel for her man. I really do. I just pray God heals her body, and my uncle's. He has osteo-arthritis and his hip is bothering him. I feel useless cuz i wish i could do something to help but i am totally dependant on them. I honestly need to grow up. I need to take care of them.
I bought mom a foot massager thing at Wal-Mart today. It was twelve bucks so let's hope it's not completly useless hey? And me and Lace went by Rugged Wearhouse today and i got French a shirt and Sherona a sweater. And i bought me a hat (yes to add to my growing collection) and a sweater even though i already have a lot of those too. I spent a lot of money today. This must stop.
Lace is late, she needs to be back in Douglas in an hour and she's meant to pick me up just now, well, ten minutes ago and she's late. She better have not forgotten me, the little bastard. And she left her cell in her dorm room. Fabulous.
I am completely knackered all of a sudden. Perhaps it's the prospect of going back to DOUGLAS. I feel it.
I liked being away for these few hours because i haven't had to dwell on Bigg. Last night was terrible. I was squirming and restless and anxious. I tried very hard not to but i kept glancing at my phone, hoping he'd ring. But he didn't. And i hate being cooped up in my room because all i do is think of his sorry behind.
I gotta run, Lace is here.
I came home to a stack of magazines and bills and my aunt and uncle, Bless their souls. I am worried about them, they are not feeling too hot and i can see it in my aunt. She is usually the picture of sprite but her walk is a lot slower and she looks tired and she's not getting sleep because of her back pain. I feel for her man. I really do. I just pray God heals her body, and my uncle's. He has osteo-arthritis and his hip is bothering him. I feel useless cuz i wish i could do something to help but i am totally dependant on them. I honestly need to grow up. I need to take care of them.
I bought mom a foot massager thing at Wal-Mart today. It was twelve bucks so let's hope it's not completly useless hey? And me and Lace went by Rugged Wearhouse today and i got French a shirt and Sherona a sweater. And i bought me a hat (yes to add to my growing collection) and a sweater even though i already have a lot of those too. I spent a lot of money today. This must stop.
Lace is late, she needs to be back in Douglas in an hour and she's meant to pick me up just now, well, ten minutes ago and she's late. She better have not forgotten me, the little bastard. And she left her cell in her dorm room. Fabulous.
I am completely knackered all of a sudden. Perhaps it's the prospect of going back to DOUGLAS. I feel it.
I liked being away for these few hours because i haven't had to dwell on Bigg. Last night was terrible. I was squirming and restless and anxious. I tried very hard not to but i kept glancing at my phone, hoping he'd ring. But he didn't. And i hate being cooped up in my room because all i do is think of his sorry behind.
I gotta run, Lace is here.
Friday, November 19
Friday is going to be a good day
Ok, ok, maybe i should rename this blog BIGG because that is all i ever talk about. But i can't help it, it's a release for me otherwise i would be forced to bore my friends to death with talk of him. I already do that but i am trying desperately to stop. I am trying to be not so available all the time. I know i must dance on Miguel's last nerve though he would never ever tell me. But i feel annoying when i am around all the time. I feel like that dorky friend that you feel sorry for and invite to sit with you one afternoon and they mistake that as an all-the-time thing and you try desperately to shake them. Ok, i don't, but i feel too available.
Anyway, like the title of today's entry, Friday will definately be a good day, i am speaking that into today. I got an email from Rudo (one of my many Ru's) and she said she got a VISA to come visit here. I am excited, i haven't seen her since i left Zim over a year ago and i miss the little bastard. I suppose me and her are going to continue the search for the perfect Bar-B-Q like we did all through A-level. And I gave Clark the address to this blog. He is going to be so disgusted with me man. But i have always loved Clark for his brutal honesty, despite what my pride says when it's hurt. Anyway, i figure he knows me well enough to know the good, the bad and the ugly about me. He's a friend i plan on having for life. Along with Ru. My Ru. That's Rufaro. She's my other baby girl (aside from Stef, but that's blood). I miss Ru so much and wish i could have my best friend here in person and not over the email and occassionally over the phone. But hey, it's better than nothing i suppose. She got my back though, and i always have hers.
Ok, enough with the tribute to my friends. Bigg. I think it's meant to be spelled with two g's. Then again i did create this nickname for him so i can do what i want with it right? Anyway i have gone the whole week without talking to him. I mean really talking to him, over the phone. He hasn't called and like i said, i didn't call him either. Although i am embarrassed to admit that last night i almost blocked my number and called him just to hear his voice. How stalker-crazy is that? Bloody hell i need a grip! But i didn't, i caught myself in time and told myself i was a moron, a deluded one at that. And i went to bed and got up this morning. See, it's times like this, when i don't have to listen to his sexy voice teasing me or singing along to some song i am playing in the background that i can start getting over him. But then, like frickin clockwork, it starts again and he calls me or something and i fall right back on my sprung ass. Well my bruised ass is getting tired. But i know i won't quit. I'm addicted. A tad sadistic really because i know how much it's gonna hurt afterwards, but i still do it anyway.
So no Bigg, really, all week. I saw him everyday though. Yesterday he had on a blue shirt and looked yum. But he ignored me. I said hey to him when he was at work when me and Lee passed by but he just said hello and that was that. Obviously you demented loon, because he was working! I tried to stay busy the rest of the day. Jules and me went to the hair supply store to get some hair and Alexis took us in his van. I felt kinda creeped out on that backseat, considering things i know about it. Hmmn. But i spent $40 on hair and i am so broke right now it's hardly funny. Then i spent $12 at Walmart on drinks and frozen dinners. I have a motherload of stuff to buy my family before i fly out on the 11th and i am wondering where the hell my last two paychecks went. I can't account for them. I am screwed.
I am having lunch with Lacy just now and i have all those articles due to Miguel today. I am so bad, i should be shot. Really. But i have decided to smile and get my world back in it's proper revolution so it doesn't revolve around Bigg. I'm trying, honest.
Ok, i am working on this whole shorter blog entries thing. I suck at it though. I talk too damn much.
Anyway, like the title of today's entry, Friday will definately be a good day, i am speaking that into today. I got an email from Rudo (one of my many Ru's) and she said she got a VISA to come visit here. I am excited, i haven't seen her since i left Zim over a year ago and i miss the little bastard. I suppose me and her are going to continue the search for the perfect Bar-B-Q like we did all through A-level. And I gave Clark the address to this blog. He is going to be so disgusted with me man. But i have always loved Clark for his brutal honesty, despite what my pride says when it's hurt. Anyway, i figure he knows me well enough to know the good, the bad and the ugly about me. He's a friend i plan on having for life. Along with Ru. My Ru. That's Rufaro. She's my other baby girl (aside from Stef, but that's blood). I miss Ru so much and wish i could have my best friend here in person and not over the email and occassionally over the phone. But hey, it's better than nothing i suppose. She got my back though, and i always have hers.
Ok, enough with the tribute to my friends. Bigg. I think it's meant to be spelled with two g's. Then again i did create this nickname for him so i can do what i want with it right? Anyway i have gone the whole week without talking to him. I mean really talking to him, over the phone. He hasn't called and like i said, i didn't call him either. Although i am embarrassed to admit that last night i almost blocked my number and called him just to hear his voice. How stalker-crazy is that? Bloody hell i need a grip! But i didn't, i caught myself in time and told myself i was a moron, a deluded one at that. And i went to bed and got up this morning. See, it's times like this, when i don't have to listen to his sexy voice teasing me or singing along to some song i am playing in the background that i can start getting over him. But then, like frickin clockwork, it starts again and he calls me or something and i fall right back on my sprung ass. Well my bruised ass is getting tired. But i know i won't quit. I'm addicted. A tad sadistic really because i know how much it's gonna hurt afterwards, but i still do it anyway.
So no Bigg, really, all week. I saw him everyday though. Yesterday he had on a blue shirt and looked yum. But he ignored me. I said hey to him when he was at work when me and Lee passed by but he just said hello and that was that. Obviously you demented loon, because he was working! I tried to stay busy the rest of the day. Jules and me went to the hair supply store to get some hair and Alexis took us in his van. I felt kinda creeped out on that backseat, considering things i know about it. Hmmn. But i spent $40 on hair and i am so broke right now it's hardly funny. Then i spent $12 at Walmart on drinks and frozen dinners. I have a motherload of stuff to buy my family before i fly out on the 11th and i am wondering where the hell my last two paychecks went. I can't account for them. I am screwed.
I am having lunch with Lacy just now and i have all those articles due to Miguel today. I am so bad, i should be shot. Really. But i have decided to smile and get my world back in it's proper revolution so it doesn't revolve around Bigg. I'm trying, honest.
Ok, i am working on this whole shorter blog entries thing. I suck at it though. I talk too damn much.
Wednesday, November 17
Dream
I dreamt i had sex with Big last night. Not your average run of the mill missionary ooh-aah session. This was explosive, give-a-girl-convulsions sex. I am scared for me. Am i that frustrated? Wow, this whole celibacy thing can drive you mad. But i am not responsible for my subconcious right? I mean, it was surreal and all but i had no real control over what my mind dredged up in the wee hours of the morning did i? No. I didn't. Ok. Good. Help!
Then i had to bump into Big twice today. No phone call last night. No, even though we have telephone marathons when we do call each other, these calls are spaced out somewhat. And i refuse to initiate anything lest i be rejected and feel like a fool. I am such a deluded moron. So i saw him at around 8 in the morning which is never good because before noon i look like the swamp thing going through menopause. It's so not cute. And he called me Bighead. I dunno, some wierd American thing people say down here. Anyway i didn't answer him, i just sorta laughed. On the phone i can be confident and coy but in person, i lose it. I act stupid in front of him and feel so shy. I hate it. And he really looked delicious today. Completely scrummy.
I had another depression attack today. Out of the blue. It happened after my interview with a faculty member for an article i am writing. There was a Student government meeting and that's when it hit me and i plummeted with the quickness. I mean i felt so out of place at the meeting, so useless. Everyone else is so bright and take-charge and had responsibilities. I felt like a useless waste of space. And then someone said something with racial connotations. I knw they are not racist, i know that. I really do. But somehow it was the most unfunny thing i have ever heard. Not even a little bit almost-smirk-and-shrug-it-off funny. It was stupid. And it exacerbated the funk i was floating in. I went to my room and listened to depressing music despite the obvious redundancy in that and lay on my bed staring at my ceiling and hosting the pity party of the century. I didn't cry, that's just stupid. I don't do tears. But i reevaluated myself and asked myself why on earth Big would be interested in me? I am not physically appealing unless bony, breastless break-out beauty is what makes your liver quiver. I have horrid mood swings, like today. And i procrastinate, cannot be relied on all the time and am lazy. I mean honestly, i can't offer the boy a thing. I am pre-maritally celibate and...well...that just speaks for itself doesn't it? I have been kissed all of one time in my entire existance and i am not wholly surprised. Not even a little bit.
But it wasn't just Big you understand. I was just having a really bad day and for no good reason. It started off fine and then i plummeted and whatever evil spirit was hovering over me extinguished what little light i had fought so hard to ignite this morning. God is stronger than this, i know. But HE can't do much if i am going to fall for these lies the devil keeps injecting into my psyche. I was vulnerable somehow for attack today and i lost the battle. I refuse to revert back to the severe depression i used to experience daily. I just learned how to smile a couple of years ago, and how to laugh. I don't want to go back to what i was. People think it's bad now but they don't know just how far i have come to be where i am at right now. I have somewhat lost touch with God this year. As much as i would love to blame circumstance and location and the company i keep, i know i am my own person and i let HIM down. This year has been a spiritual waste. I am just like everybody around here. Hypocritical and deluded. I know better. I am not of this world and yet in my effort to be openminded and not judge as these Americans stress sooo much, i have become conformist in my way of thinking. Americans love to be defensive and tolerate everyone's lifestyle and not judge anyone. It's idealistic and unrealistic. They accept anything and everything, and it seems like nothing to them is wrong or sacred. They berate Christians constantly by saying we don't have open minds yet how often do they (whoever the hell "they" are) try and look at our perspective. I dunno if i should include myself anymore because i have been transformed in a way that scares me. I am not saying i want to be judgemental and horrid or that all Ameicans are like this (i really shouldn't generalize like that, there are many Americans who've got the right idea), but i know what is right and what is wrong. It's not my opinion but what God tells me. I cannot be tolerant of things i do not believe are right. I am not living for anyone else but me. And when God comes for me, i need to be on top of my game.
I dunno where this is all coming from. It's late and i'm tired. I just want to understand what is going on inside of me and why my priorities are so screwed up. And i am afraid about this thing with Big. Say we do hit it off like i desperately want us to. Say we start dating. He isn't celibate and though i am, will i be strong enough to stay that way? It's been simple enough so far because temptation has always been on the horizon. But now i am closing in on it and i am scared i will let myself down. I was pulled out of my comfort zone and my relationship with God suffered this year. I am afraid i'll mess up this thing too. And i am not ready to deal with such consenquences. I am not willing to give Big, or any other man that God has not ordained for me that little section of my spirit. Sex to me is wholly spiritual and i don't like to mess with the supernatural too much. Ok, ok i am getting philosophical now, i need to stop. Whoever reads this blog up till this point is a brave soul. I don't think i would. Goodnight.
Then i had to bump into Big twice today. No phone call last night. No, even though we have telephone marathons when we do call each other, these calls are spaced out somewhat. And i refuse to initiate anything lest i be rejected and feel like a fool. I am such a deluded moron. So i saw him at around 8 in the morning which is never good because before noon i look like the swamp thing going through menopause. It's so not cute. And he called me Bighead. I dunno, some wierd American thing people say down here. Anyway i didn't answer him, i just sorta laughed. On the phone i can be confident and coy but in person, i lose it. I act stupid in front of him and feel so shy. I hate it. And he really looked delicious today. Completely scrummy.
I had another depression attack today. Out of the blue. It happened after my interview with a faculty member for an article i am writing. There was a Student government meeting and that's when it hit me and i plummeted with the quickness. I mean i felt so out of place at the meeting, so useless. Everyone else is so bright and take-charge and had responsibilities. I felt like a useless waste of space. And then someone said something with racial connotations. I knw they are not racist, i know that. I really do. But somehow it was the most unfunny thing i have ever heard. Not even a little bit almost-smirk-and-shrug-it-off funny. It was stupid. And it exacerbated the funk i was floating in. I went to my room and listened to depressing music despite the obvious redundancy in that and lay on my bed staring at my ceiling and hosting the pity party of the century. I didn't cry, that's just stupid. I don't do tears. But i reevaluated myself and asked myself why on earth Big would be interested in me? I am not physically appealing unless bony, breastless break-out beauty is what makes your liver quiver. I have horrid mood swings, like today. And i procrastinate, cannot be relied on all the time and am lazy. I mean honestly, i can't offer the boy a thing. I am pre-maritally celibate and...well...that just speaks for itself doesn't it? I have been kissed all of one time in my entire existance and i am not wholly surprised. Not even a little bit.
But it wasn't just Big you understand. I was just having a really bad day and for no good reason. It started off fine and then i plummeted and whatever evil spirit was hovering over me extinguished what little light i had fought so hard to ignite this morning. God is stronger than this, i know. But HE can't do much if i am going to fall for these lies the devil keeps injecting into my psyche. I was vulnerable somehow for attack today and i lost the battle. I refuse to revert back to the severe depression i used to experience daily. I just learned how to smile a couple of years ago, and how to laugh. I don't want to go back to what i was. People think it's bad now but they don't know just how far i have come to be where i am at right now. I have somewhat lost touch with God this year. As much as i would love to blame circumstance and location and the company i keep, i know i am my own person and i let HIM down. This year has been a spiritual waste. I am just like everybody around here. Hypocritical and deluded. I know better. I am not of this world and yet in my effort to be openminded and not judge as these Americans stress sooo much, i have become conformist in my way of thinking. Americans love to be defensive and tolerate everyone's lifestyle and not judge anyone. It's idealistic and unrealistic. They accept anything and everything, and it seems like nothing to them is wrong or sacred. They berate Christians constantly by saying we don't have open minds yet how often do they (whoever the hell "they" are) try and look at our perspective. I dunno if i should include myself anymore because i have been transformed in a way that scares me. I am not saying i want to be judgemental and horrid or that all Ameicans are like this (i really shouldn't generalize like that, there are many Americans who've got the right idea), but i know what is right and what is wrong. It's not my opinion but what God tells me. I cannot be tolerant of things i do not believe are right. I am not living for anyone else but me. And when God comes for me, i need to be on top of my game.
I dunno where this is all coming from. It's late and i'm tired. I just want to understand what is going on inside of me and why my priorities are so screwed up. And i am afraid about this thing with Big. Say we do hit it off like i desperately want us to. Say we start dating. He isn't celibate and though i am, will i be strong enough to stay that way? It's been simple enough so far because temptation has always been on the horizon. But now i am closing in on it and i am scared i will let myself down. I was pulled out of my comfort zone and my relationship with God suffered this year. I am afraid i'll mess up this thing too. And i am not ready to deal with such consenquences. I am not willing to give Big, or any other man that God has not ordained for me that little section of my spirit. Sex to me is wholly spiritual and i don't like to mess with the supernatural too much. Ok, ok i am getting philosophical now, i need to stop. Whoever reads this blog up till this point is a brave soul. I don't think i would. Goodnight.
Tuesday, November 16
Letter
Dear God,
Hi. I think my boobs got lost in the mail. Did you get mailers insurance on those because they still haven't arrived. I think i have been quite patient over the last few years but i kinda really need them now...you know...for that whole sex thing. I mean i'm not planning on doing anthing stupid but i am 20 with the body of a pre-pubescent 13 year old boy. It's kinda embarrassing. Anyway i just wondered if you had a spare pair up there for me? I would really appreciate it. Ill be waiting on those. Thanks. Oh yeah...Amen.
Hi. I think my boobs got lost in the mail. Did you get mailers insurance on those because they still haven't arrived. I think i have been quite patient over the last few years but i kinda really need them now...you know...for that whole sex thing. I mean i'm not planning on doing anthing stupid but i am 20 with the body of a pre-pubescent 13 year old boy. It's kinda embarrassing. Anyway i just wondered if you had a spare pair up there for me? I would really appreciate it. Ill be waiting on those. Thanks. Oh yeah...Amen.
Sunday, November 14
Priorities
Well, i can't for the life of me remember what craziness i wrote in my last post and i am too lazy to look. But much has happened since then. Instead of going through a long blow by blow of all the details of what transpired, i think i'll try and paraphrase which may be little hard seeing as i am so long winded all the time.
Ok, well SG has been making some progress, i'll admit. He's not as shy anymore, coming to see me and stuff. I just get a funny vibe from him you know? I mean, he is cute and nice and all that, but something about him doesn't quite rub me the right way, so to speak. We had an interesting chat the other night. He showed up with his friend and when his friend left, we talked. I didn't expect it to go as deep as it did. I honestly thought he was going to cry at some point, he looked like he would, and i would have freaked out so i am glad he didn't. In any event, he told me about all he's been through, his less-than-perfect childhood and all the drama in his early life. I really felt for him, but i can't really relate, my childhood was pretty good. His was really really bad. He's been through it all. Then he brought up his little sis. I think he was referring to a poster on my wall and said his little sis would like it and i made a dumb remark about loving kids and stuff and he asked if i would ever date a guy with a kid. My mind was like "no!!!!" but i said i wasn't sure , it would depend on the guy and the situation. He asked what if he were the guy. Hmmmn. I kinda got that the whole hypothetical guise was removed and it was hitting a lot closer to home. I avoided the question by asking if he had a kid. He has a kid. She's a year old and he's not allowed to see her for some reason or another. Wow. He went into details, but i'd rather not at this point. The fact is, he is about 19 or so and he has a baby girl and an ex to deal with. I am 20 and a virgin. You kinda see where that clashes a bit? I can not handle a guy with such deep issues right now. I haven't been through stuff to know how to handle someone who has so many ghosts still haunting his mind. He has a 12 year old cousin who died a couple of years ago, and he blames himself. I don't feel like delving into detail but it is soo much that he is carrying around with him, i can't handle that you know? I am chicken, i know it. But i am not ready to play psychologist girlfriend for this guy.
He keeps indirectly asking me if i like him. I think he may like me. I dunno to what extent exactly, but he does. Why? I dunno why. And he looks fragile. I hate to seem like i am leading him on because the truth of the matter is...... i am not feeling him like that. I normally would still want to date him considering he's such a cool guy and so cute (i know that sounds incredibly shallow) but i don't. And i know exactly why. It's not just because he is so complicated and burdened. It's because of Big. I want Big. I want Big so badly i can't function anymore. And the ironic hing is, Big is a bastard. He is toying with my emotions, even though i'm not completely sure he knows this, but he is. One day i am hating his guts for not wanting me and then the next he is calling me and we talk for five hours about nothing and i can't get this goofy grin off my face.
Since my last post, Big and i had a few encounters. Most notably this past Thursday night. Big called while SG was in my room. He sensed or heard that someone else was there with me but i lied and said it was the TV. I dunno why i lied. I mean, there was no need to but i did. I told him i had just gotten out of the shower and i would ring him back. SG stayed till around midnight. I had a Bio test the next morning at eight that i hadn't so much as read a word for. But instead of picking up my Bio book, i picked up the phone and called Big. And we talked again for four or so hours. No, actually we got off the phone at 5a.m. That is scary. I woke up an hour later and went to my Bio class. I got an 8o on my test and had to rush to the Culture Fest to set up my booth. There was this guy from Kenya next to me who had a motherload of stuff and i was embarrased but i still set up my booth with my head held....moderately high. And guess who helped me set up....well, sorta. That's right. Big.
All day he kept coming in and out of the room i was in and i was having fun and anticipating the times he would come to bug me. How sad is my life, i mean really. Anyway i was drained at the end of the day and instead of resting, i went to dinner with the girls. I had fun. We ended up spending the night in my girl's room playing Truth or Dare. Yeah, college does that to a person. So they asked me who on campus i would considering dating and i said SG. Not because i would, but because they all know Big and i do not want them knowing i like Big. Well, Slim knows, but that's different. I would like to believe i can trust her and she seems to be my outlet otherwise i would go mad. Anyway we did stupid things and i got my mind off of Big. For a while. I went to bed and he was still the last thing on my mind.
The rest of the weekend, no big thing really. Sunday i went through the day, knowing he was back. He called me but i wasn't oin my room. Oh, yeah, i forgot. Saturday while me and Lace were in her room watching a movie, SG dropped but and watched Secret Window with us. So it was sort of an indirect date huh? Anyway back to Sunday, i went to bed without talking to Big and i felt happy because i wasn't so available to him. I wasn't sad and Pathetic looking. I spoke to Miguel instead. He got frustrated with me, like most people do when i sai i didn't know why Big would be interested in me anyway but honestly i don't. I am not gorgeous or sexy i am not the brightest crayon in the box and i seem to be the exception to the rule that ugly people have brilliant personalities. OK, ok i am exaggerating matters. I know. I am not ugly and i am totally clever. My prsonality doesn't suck. There. I feel better already. Huh.
I gotta run. No more, i talk too damn much.
Ok, well SG has been making some progress, i'll admit. He's not as shy anymore, coming to see me and stuff. I just get a funny vibe from him you know? I mean, he is cute and nice and all that, but something about him doesn't quite rub me the right way, so to speak. We had an interesting chat the other night. He showed up with his friend and when his friend left, we talked. I didn't expect it to go as deep as it did. I honestly thought he was going to cry at some point, he looked like he would, and i would have freaked out so i am glad he didn't. In any event, he told me about all he's been through, his less-than-perfect childhood and all the drama in his early life. I really felt for him, but i can't really relate, my childhood was pretty good. His was really really bad. He's been through it all. Then he brought up his little sis. I think he was referring to a poster on my wall and said his little sis would like it and i made a dumb remark about loving kids and stuff and he asked if i would ever date a guy with a kid. My mind was like "no!!!!" but i said i wasn't sure , it would depend on the guy and the situation. He asked what if he were the guy. Hmmmn. I kinda got that the whole hypothetical guise was removed and it was hitting a lot closer to home. I avoided the question by asking if he had a kid. He has a kid. She's a year old and he's not allowed to see her for some reason or another. Wow. He went into details, but i'd rather not at this point. The fact is, he is about 19 or so and he has a baby girl and an ex to deal with. I am 20 and a virgin. You kinda see where that clashes a bit? I can not handle a guy with such deep issues right now. I haven't been through stuff to know how to handle someone who has so many ghosts still haunting his mind. He has a 12 year old cousin who died a couple of years ago, and he blames himself. I don't feel like delving into detail but it is soo much that he is carrying around with him, i can't handle that you know? I am chicken, i know it. But i am not ready to play psychologist girlfriend for this guy.
He keeps indirectly asking me if i like him. I think he may like me. I dunno to what extent exactly, but he does. Why? I dunno why. And he looks fragile. I hate to seem like i am leading him on because the truth of the matter is...... i am not feeling him like that. I normally would still want to date him considering he's such a cool guy and so cute (i know that sounds incredibly shallow) but i don't. And i know exactly why. It's not just because he is so complicated and burdened. It's because of Big. I want Big. I want Big so badly i can't function anymore. And the ironic hing is, Big is a bastard. He is toying with my emotions, even though i'm not completely sure he knows this, but he is. One day i am hating his guts for not wanting me and then the next he is calling me and we talk for five hours about nothing and i can't get this goofy grin off my face.
Since my last post, Big and i had a few encounters. Most notably this past Thursday night. Big called while SG was in my room. He sensed or heard that someone else was there with me but i lied and said it was the TV. I dunno why i lied. I mean, there was no need to but i did. I told him i had just gotten out of the shower and i would ring him back. SG stayed till around midnight. I had a Bio test the next morning at eight that i hadn't so much as read a word for. But instead of picking up my Bio book, i picked up the phone and called Big. And we talked again for four or so hours. No, actually we got off the phone at 5a.m. That is scary. I woke up an hour later and went to my Bio class. I got an 8o on my test and had to rush to the Culture Fest to set up my booth. There was this guy from Kenya next to me who had a motherload of stuff and i was embarrased but i still set up my booth with my head held....moderately high. And guess who helped me set up....well, sorta. That's right. Big.
All day he kept coming in and out of the room i was in and i was having fun and anticipating the times he would come to bug me. How sad is my life, i mean really. Anyway i was drained at the end of the day and instead of resting, i went to dinner with the girls. I had fun. We ended up spending the night in my girl's room playing Truth or Dare. Yeah, college does that to a person. So they asked me who on campus i would considering dating and i said SG. Not because i would, but because they all know Big and i do not want them knowing i like Big. Well, Slim knows, but that's different. I would like to believe i can trust her and she seems to be my outlet otherwise i would go mad. Anyway we did stupid things and i got my mind off of Big. For a while. I went to bed and he was still the last thing on my mind.
The rest of the weekend, no big thing really. Sunday i went through the day, knowing he was back. He called me but i wasn't oin my room. Oh, yeah, i forgot. Saturday while me and Lace were in her room watching a movie, SG dropped but and watched Secret Window with us. So it was sort of an indirect date huh? Anyway back to Sunday, i went to bed without talking to Big and i felt happy because i wasn't so available to him. I wasn't sad and Pathetic looking. I spoke to Miguel instead. He got frustrated with me, like most people do when i sai i didn't know why Big would be interested in me anyway but honestly i don't. I am not gorgeous or sexy i am not the brightest crayon in the box and i seem to be the exception to the rule that ugly people have brilliant personalities. OK, ok i am exaggerating matters. I know. I am not ugly and i am totally clever. My prsonality doesn't suck. There. I feel better already. Huh.
I gotta run. No more, i talk too damn much.
Saturday, November 6
I'm in a quandary
Ok. Several things have happened since the last time i wrote. I don't even remember what the devil i was going on about last time, but i have a feeling i was depressed about something then. Anyway, i am not so much depressed anymore, well, maybe just a little bit, but i am confused. Like i have mentioned before, i do not think i am a beautiful woman by any means. I am not ugly, but i don't turn heads. Well, that's what i thought. My friend told me that if he wasn't involved with his girl right now, he would have gone for someone like me, whatever the hell that means. And when i didn't take him seriously, he told me that a couple of his homies said i looked nice. Ok, ok, all high school stuff right? Yeah, but i still denied it, i know i know i am useless. Then he mentioned the name of one of said friends, let us call him Shy Guy. He's a really nice guy, very very cute and he has his stuff together. He is not your typical again (i dunno how that happens twice for me) and i like his flavour.
Ok, so yesterday was the kickoff to the Culture Fest. I am so into that kind of thing and i love culture and other traditions and stuff so obviously i was going to go. And the fact that i am an international, makes me all the more interested. So i go and it was looking very cultured (ha! how clever am i?) and i was into it. I was expecting to see Mr. Big sometime that night, at least i was dying to see him. I know i am pathetic, i am supposed to be avoiding him, but a huge part of me really wanted to see him. I was afraid he might have gone home for the weekend but i got back to my room to change (it was bloody cold out there and i needed a sweater and a jacket) and i checked my phone for missed calls and lo and behold Mr. Big's number flashed up. I dialled it and got his machine so i left him a message telling him to call me back when he got it. I left for the fest with renewed hope that i would see him. I saw his homie.....let's call him DeVito. So i am hanging out at the fest, soaking up the culture and having a time. I am a loner, so i was standing around by myself, no problems or anything, just enjoying. Then Shy Guy walked up to me and sparked up a convo. Wow. He actually spoke to me. Funny thing though, i am usually very very nervous around cute guys i am interested in, but i was totally cool with him. I mean he was fun to talk to and a very nice guy but there was something that was a bit off colour so to speak. Anyway, as we were talking guess who finally shows up? That's right, Mr. Big. He passed by behind me and sat on the pavement by himself. BY HIMSELF. He never does stuff like that, he's usually a people person. So i am feeling anxious now because Shy Guy is going on and stuff and i want so badly to take the oppurtunity that presented itself and sit by Mr. Big and talk to him. My mind was on Mr. Big the entire time i spoke to Shy Guy. Then out of the blue Shy Guy asks if i like movies. Guess we know where that one's going kids! Yes, he asked if i would accompany him to the movies next weekend. And i obliged. Wow. Now i am not so naive as to think it's a date because quite frankly, i don't take things at face value too often. I just assume we are two consenting adult friends spending an innocent evening at the theatre for some entertainment and maybe some food with physical contact limited to a handshake. Ok, that whole statement sounds naive and retarded. I am such a deluded moron. But i am not going to regard this as a date, i am so into taking things slow so as not to look a fool and be embarrased. So it's not a date, just a movie.
I kept glancing at Mr. Big though. He looked annoyed with something. He was just preoccupied and it made it so hard for me to focus on anything but him. The trip was when Shy Guy finally left, so did Mr. Big. I mean it was entirely coincidental because it was the intermission and everyone was rushing for the pizza. I wasn't, i was depressed. Not really, but i was down. The rest of the night it seemed me and Mr. Big were playing the ignore each other game. I would pass right by him and pretend my line of vision did not include him. Then me and Slim decided to go see about the foam dance party that was being held. No one was there when we showed up but everybody was behind us though. I think everybody is seriously preoccupied with Slim, so they were nosy enough to follow us. So everytime i stood somewhere near the foam thing, Mr. Big was always directly across from me. It was wierd because i didn't do it purposely and neither did he but we just ended up across from each other the whole night and he was still preoccupied and just looking down. I wanted desperately to lay his head in my lap and caress it and make him feel better. But at the same time i wanted to ignore the bastard for ignoring me and confusing me the way he's been doing. I wanted to hit him for not seeking me out and trying to talk to me that night. For not being interested in me the way i am in him.
But alas, i am now sounding desperate and pathetic and that is not my intention. I have to get over him like yesterday because i am not functioning straight thinking of him all the time. And it's distracting me in every aspect of life. Honestly last night at around midnight i wanted to call him. Yes, i was going to look like a moron but i just needed to hear his voice. Does that not scare the crap out of you? I am frightened of myself, i sound like a freaking stalker. I latch onto feelings and people way too easily. Anyway, i have determined once again that i will block him out of my brain for good this time. I know i will fight myself not to pick up the phone and call him tonight but i can do this. I can.
I have my big presentation in the Union tomorrow afternoon and i am scared crapless. i hope i don't bore these people half into oblivion and i hope i articulate myself well. I am meant to be a journalist but my public speaking skills are atrocious. I tense up and hyperventilate and my knees buckle and i look retarded up there. I need to practice tonight and get a grip. Yes, do get a grip Smooch. Ok, i'll be fine. God will bless me with peace and clarity of mind.
I am kinda looking forward to this movie with Shy Guy on Saturday but not really. Even though i am not going bonkers over him, i still don't like rejection and i don't want him to find out that i am not the one. I mean i probably am not, but i rather not he find out. I am such a deluded moron. I need to go and rest my brain, it's been over exerted.
Ok, so yesterday was the kickoff to the Culture Fest. I am so into that kind of thing and i love culture and other traditions and stuff so obviously i was going to go. And the fact that i am an international, makes me all the more interested. So i go and it was looking very cultured (ha! how clever am i?) and i was into it. I was expecting to see Mr. Big sometime that night, at least i was dying to see him. I know i am pathetic, i am supposed to be avoiding him, but a huge part of me really wanted to see him. I was afraid he might have gone home for the weekend but i got back to my room to change (it was bloody cold out there and i needed a sweater and a jacket) and i checked my phone for missed calls and lo and behold Mr. Big's number flashed up. I dialled it and got his machine so i left him a message telling him to call me back when he got it. I left for the fest with renewed hope that i would see him. I saw his homie.....let's call him DeVito. So i am hanging out at the fest, soaking up the culture and having a time. I am a loner, so i was standing around by myself, no problems or anything, just enjoying. Then Shy Guy walked up to me and sparked up a convo. Wow. He actually spoke to me. Funny thing though, i am usually very very nervous around cute guys i am interested in, but i was totally cool with him. I mean he was fun to talk to and a very nice guy but there was something that was a bit off colour so to speak. Anyway, as we were talking guess who finally shows up? That's right, Mr. Big. He passed by behind me and sat on the pavement by himself. BY HIMSELF. He never does stuff like that, he's usually a people person. So i am feeling anxious now because Shy Guy is going on and stuff and i want so badly to take the oppurtunity that presented itself and sit by Mr. Big and talk to him. My mind was on Mr. Big the entire time i spoke to Shy Guy. Then out of the blue Shy Guy asks if i like movies. Guess we know where that one's going kids! Yes, he asked if i would accompany him to the movies next weekend. And i obliged. Wow. Now i am not so naive as to think it's a date because quite frankly, i don't take things at face value too often. I just assume we are two consenting adult friends spending an innocent evening at the theatre for some entertainment and maybe some food with physical contact limited to a handshake. Ok, that whole statement sounds naive and retarded. I am such a deluded moron. But i am not going to regard this as a date, i am so into taking things slow so as not to look a fool and be embarrased. So it's not a date, just a movie.
I kept glancing at Mr. Big though. He looked annoyed with something. He was just preoccupied and it made it so hard for me to focus on anything but him. The trip was when Shy Guy finally left, so did Mr. Big. I mean it was entirely coincidental because it was the intermission and everyone was rushing for the pizza. I wasn't, i was depressed. Not really, but i was down. The rest of the night it seemed me and Mr. Big were playing the ignore each other game. I would pass right by him and pretend my line of vision did not include him. Then me and Slim decided to go see about the foam dance party that was being held. No one was there when we showed up but everybody was behind us though. I think everybody is seriously preoccupied with Slim, so they were nosy enough to follow us. So everytime i stood somewhere near the foam thing, Mr. Big was always directly across from me. It was wierd because i didn't do it purposely and neither did he but we just ended up across from each other the whole night and he was still preoccupied and just looking down. I wanted desperately to lay his head in my lap and caress it and make him feel better. But at the same time i wanted to ignore the bastard for ignoring me and confusing me the way he's been doing. I wanted to hit him for not seeking me out and trying to talk to me that night. For not being interested in me the way i am in him.
But alas, i am now sounding desperate and pathetic and that is not my intention. I have to get over him like yesterday because i am not functioning straight thinking of him all the time. And it's distracting me in every aspect of life. Honestly last night at around midnight i wanted to call him. Yes, i was going to look like a moron but i just needed to hear his voice. Does that not scare the crap out of you? I am frightened of myself, i sound like a freaking stalker. I latch onto feelings and people way too easily. Anyway, i have determined once again that i will block him out of my brain for good this time. I know i will fight myself not to pick up the phone and call him tonight but i can do this. I can.
I have my big presentation in the Union tomorrow afternoon and i am scared crapless. i hope i don't bore these people half into oblivion and i hope i articulate myself well. I am meant to be a journalist but my public speaking skills are atrocious. I tense up and hyperventilate and my knees buckle and i look retarded up there. I need to practice tonight and get a grip. Yes, do get a grip Smooch. Ok, i'll be fine. God will bless me with peace and clarity of mind.
I am kinda looking forward to this movie with Shy Guy on Saturday but not really. Even though i am not going bonkers over him, i still don't like rejection and i don't want him to find out that i am not the one. I mean i probably am not, but i rather not he find out. I am such a deluded moron. I need to go and rest my brain, it's been over exerted.
Wednesday, November 3
Pathetic
Not a good day. I have been having too many of these lately and i am beginning to realise that it's all because of me. I figured i'd start this blog today since Miguel showed me his. As an aspiring journalist maybe this will be good for me. As a chronic introspective recluse, this will hopefully keep me sane. So it starts.
And it starts on a day i regret already. I am in a quandary. And over a guy no less. Can you imagine it? Me, feigning over some guy. I'm disgusted really. If you know me at all you know that i am a control freak in every aspect of my life. I love to be in control of everything i do. So when i find myself losing it over some guy you could say i am a bit worried for me. I am one of those people who strives to be hard to figure out. And quite frankly i'm very good at it. People have their assumptions and ideas, but they don't really know. I like it that way. The only times i am ever so much as close to being the real me is in my head. And then i am trying desperately to figure out what the real me really is. Ok, ok i digress. I was speaking of the guy. I think i am going to name him Mr. Big. No, that is not an allusion to anything dubious about his person, it's just that as an avid Sex and the City watcher, Mr. Big seems rather appropriate for right now. Let me give you a somewhat brief history of Mr. Big.
I heard about him all last semester. My friends would always talk about how arrogant and such he was and how he thought he was the shit. And like a conformist sheep, i went along with this view. Funny enough though i went the entire semester without ever putting name and face together. No one had ever pointed him out to me and there was another guy who had a similar name and i assumed that was Mr. Big. In any event, he was as about important to my life as a chocolate teapot. Then this semester rolls around and for the first month or two it was the same deal. Finally i found myself in a situation where i had to see him almost daily for a period of time. I finally connected face with name and we began a dialogue. Nothing dramatic, just a hi-bye relationship with the occassional joking and teasing here and there. Very elementary but it was refreshing. I cannot BELIEVE I just said that. Refreshing? Uck!
Anyway, i began to really notice him. He impressed me with all the things around campus he was involved in and the way he was different. I mean he wasn't your typical anything by any means. He has a distinctive style i find very attractive, he has interests that intrigue me and he does well in school, is eloquent......enough, is Christian and thinks outside the box. He is accepting of everybody, a real people person. He knows where he's going and is working on getting there and he doesn't let other people's petty jealousies affect him. In a word he's...........sexy. That is what i find incredibly sexy in a man. His personality is irresistable and it adds to his already sexy physical appearance. He has the body of an athlete, is strong, dresses well, looks clean and smells good. And i found myself increasingly attracted to him the more i spoke to him.
That's when the red flags first went up. I was becoming vulnerable to feelings i did not want to have for anyone on this campus, considering the circumstances. I know i am not the only one who must find him attractive and this school is simply littered with good looking females. Oh, yeah i forgot to mention my self-esteem problem. It's simple really; i have none. I dunno why but i never really have. I truly believe i am not a beautiful woman. That is not to say i'm ugly or feel sorry for me. I am totally secure in the knowledge that i was not made to turn heads. So obviously i went into this thing with my eyes wide open, knowing that if i had a crush on him, it would probably not be reciprocated. I thought it would be like all my other crushes, gone in a week or two.
Ok so i fell into a crush, i dunno if that is possible but this is my blog so it'll have to be possible. I found myself doing things i find sickening. I would walk past the areas i knew for sure he would be at at a certain time. I would find little things to grab his attention, even just for a second. He was the last thing on my mind when i went to bed and the first thing when i awoke. Not good. Then i did something i am a bit embarrassed to admit. I found a way to give him my number, very indirectly though. Technically he was doing me a favour and there was no alterior motive to begin with, i genuinely needed the favour but then i realised that if he really wanted to, he could use my number himself for personal reasons. But i thought, he can't be that sad, so i forgot it and moved on with life. This was on a Wednesday or so. All week, nothing. And i truly forgot about it. Come Sunday night i get a phone call from him. Very out of the blue, caught me off guard. I am sure he did it just to surprise me, just cuz. No alterior motives on his part, or maybe he was just being nice, i couldn't tell you. We spoke, mostly small talk. I kept waiting for him to say "Ok, well i just called to say hi. I gotta go now." I waited ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. An hour. Two. Three. Four. We spoke for about four hours. About nothing. For no good reason. Who does that? Hoestly who does? So obviously that got me happy though i tried with everything i have to supress the happiness it evoked in me, but it overpowered me. I had gotten a call from Mr. Big. I was psyched.
I had to tell someone so i told Lacy and then Miguel. I regret it now because i refuse to reveal Mr. Big's identity though Miguel really believes he has it though i won't admit it. I dunno whether to put the boy at ease and tell him and let him continue to believe what he believes. I figure let sleeping dogs lie right? ANyway i regret being so open about my feelings because that is so not my M.O. I never let anyone know when i really like a guy. I hate the vulnerability it comes with. Anyway i told them and they are still trying to get me to tell them who it is.They seem to miss the big picture here. And the big picture is that i am falling for a guy who i know for a fact is not interested in me. That is why i tried supressing my happiness from his call. That is why i keep trying to tell whichever part of my being that dispenses stupid feelings to slow the hell down because i am going to crash pretty soon when my brain catches up to my feelings.
The morning after he called i was elated but as the afternoon went by and i had another brief encounter with Mr. Big, i began to wilt. I realised what was truly obvious. He does not regard me at all in that way. I am just another person to him. Trust me, i have so much experience in that area of life (rejection) but i had already started to fall for him so pain was inevitable. I got to my room and erased his number from my caller i.d. and tried to forget about it and drowned myself in music and t.v. so i wouldn't have to sort out my wounded pride and disappointed feelings. I am better at running away from negative feelings. I know it's not healthy but it's easy. So i am running. I can't say it's not hard though. I mean take yesterday for example. I was sitting alone, minding my own business and Mr. Big was on his way somewhere. So he stops to say hey cuz that's the kind of person he is. There was no going out of his way just to greet me, i was in his path. OK, so we sat and spoke for about an hour. I suppose we're both long winded. He was killing time and when time came for him to leave he did. And i was left feeling like the biggest moron. Why? Because i am so jaded. My vision is not blurred, i can see clearly but ............ it's like when you know better about something but continue to do it anyway? Make any sense? No? Good. I think i may be a self-proclaimed sadist. I do things i know will hurt me but i can't seem to stop hurting myself. And i do it primarily through my thoughts.
I'm sure he must be amused by me. I dunno why i feel like he knows exactly what goes on with me and is having fun with me. He's not a mean person, just fun loving. And i on the other hand am mentally challenged. Psycho if you will. I want to cut this off right now. I told Eboni about it last night. She wore me down and i guess i was about to burst so i let her know who Mr. Big is. I regret it now. I feel like i am vulnerable right now. That is why this entry is so morbid. No, actually i am usually a morbid person. Anyway i told her i wanted to cut him off. I am very good at erasing people who threaten me from existence, even when i see them daily. So i want to forget about him before i fall deeper and can't pick myself up again. I can't be hurt like that again. No more rejections please. I have to stop crying. I have cried for too long and i can't deal with any more. Ok i sound like Toni Braxton's lyricist. Let me stop. I have to go reattach my sanity. This was meant to be therapeautic. Huh.
And it starts on a day i regret already. I am in a quandary. And over a guy no less. Can you imagine it? Me, feigning over some guy. I'm disgusted really. If you know me at all you know that i am a control freak in every aspect of my life. I love to be in control of everything i do. So when i find myself losing it over some guy you could say i am a bit worried for me. I am one of those people who strives to be hard to figure out. And quite frankly i'm very good at it. People have their assumptions and ideas, but they don't really know. I like it that way. The only times i am ever so much as close to being the real me is in my head. And then i am trying desperately to figure out what the real me really is. Ok, ok i digress. I was speaking of the guy. I think i am going to name him Mr. Big. No, that is not an allusion to anything dubious about his person, it's just that as an avid Sex and the City watcher, Mr. Big seems rather appropriate for right now. Let me give you a somewhat brief history of Mr. Big.
I heard about him all last semester. My friends would always talk about how arrogant and such he was and how he thought he was the shit. And like a conformist sheep, i went along with this view. Funny enough though i went the entire semester without ever putting name and face together. No one had ever pointed him out to me and there was another guy who had a similar name and i assumed that was Mr. Big. In any event, he was as about important to my life as a chocolate teapot. Then this semester rolls around and for the first month or two it was the same deal. Finally i found myself in a situation where i had to see him almost daily for a period of time. I finally connected face with name and we began a dialogue. Nothing dramatic, just a hi-bye relationship with the occassional joking and teasing here and there. Very elementary but it was refreshing. I cannot BELIEVE I just said that. Refreshing? Uck!
Anyway, i began to really notice him. He impressed me with all the things around campus he was involved in and the way he was different. I mean he wasn't your typical anything by any means. He has a distinctive style i find very attractive, he has interests that intrigue me and he does well in school, is eloquent......enough, is Christian and thinks outside the box. He is accepting of everybody, a real people person. He knows where he's going and is working on getting there and he doesn't let other people's petty jealousies affect him. In a word he's...........sexy. That is what i find incredibly sexy in a man. His personality is irresistable and it adds to his already sexy physical appearance. He has the body of an athlete, is strong, dresses well, looks clean and smells good. And i found myself increasingly attracted to him the more i spoke to him.
That's when the red flags first went up. I was becoming vulnerable to feelings i did not want to have for anyone on this campus, considering the circumstances. I know i am not the only one who must find him attractive and this school is simply littered with good looking females. Oh, yeah i forgot to mention my self-esteem problem. It's simple really; i have none. I dunno why but i never really have. I truly believe i am not a beautiful woman. That is not to say i'm ugly or feel sorry for me. I am totally secure in the knowledge that i was not made to turn heads. So obviously i went into this thing with my eyes wide open, knowing that if i had a crush on him, it would probably not be reciprocated. I thought it would be like all my other crushes, gone in a week or two.
Ok so i fell into a crush, i dunno if that is possible but this is my blog so it'll have to be possible. I found myself doing things i find sickening. I would walk past the areas i knew for sure he would be at at a certain time. I would find little things to grab his attention, even just for a second. He was the last thing on my mind when i went to bed and the first thing when i awoke. Not good. Then i did something i am a bit embarrassed to admit. I found a way to give him my number, very indirectly though. Technically he was doing me a favour and there was no alterior motive to begin with, i genuinely needed the favour but then i realised that if he really wanted to, he could use my number himself for personal reasons. But i thought, he can't be that sad, so i forgot it and moved on with life. This was on a Wednesday or so. All week, nothing. And i truly forgot about it. Come Sunday night i get a phone call from him. Very out of the blue, caught me off guard. I am sure he did it just to surprise me, just cuz. No alterior motives on his part, or maybe he was just being nice, i couldn't tell you. We spoke, mostly small talk. I kept waiting for him to say "Ok, well i just called to say hi. I gotta go now." I waited ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. An hour. Two. Three. Four. We spoke for about four hours. About nothing. For no good reason. Who does that? Hoestly who does? So obviously that got me happy though i tried with everything i have to supress the happiness it evoked in me, but it overpowered me. I had gotten a call from Mr. Big. I was psyched.
I had to tell someone so i told Lacy and then Miguel. I regret it now because i refuse to reveal Mr. Big's identity though Miguel really believes he has it though i won't admit it. I dunno whether to put the boy at ease and tell him and let him continue to believe what he believes. I figure let sleeping dogs lie right? ANyway i regret being so open about my feelings because that is so not my M.O. I never let anyone know when i really like a guy. I hate the vulnerability it comes with. Anyway i told them and they are still trying to get me to tell them who it is.They seem to miss the big picture here. And the big picture is that i am falling for a guy who i know for a fact is not interested in me. That is why i tried supressing my happiness from his call. That is why i keep trying to tell whichever part of my being that dispenses stupid feelings to slow the hell down because i am going to crash pretty soon when my brain catches up to my feelings.
The morning after he called i was elated but as the afternoon went by and i had another brief encounter with Mr. Big, i began to wilt. I realised what was truly obvious. He does not regard me at all in that way. I am just another person to him. Trust me, i have so much experience in that area of life (rejection) but i had already started to fall for him so pain was inevitable. I got to my room and erased his number from my caller i.d. and tried to forget about it and drowned myself in music and t.v. so i wouldn't have to sort out my wounded pride and disappointed feelings. I am better at running away from negative feelings. I know it's not healthy but it's easy. So i am running. I can't say it's not hard though. I mean take yesterday for example. I was sitting alone, minding my own business and Mr. Big was on his way somewhere. So he stops to say hey cuz that's the kind of person he is. There was no going out of his way just to greet me, i was in his path. OK, so we sat and spoke for about an hour. I suppose we're both long winded. He was killing time and when time came for him to leave he did. And i was left feeling like the biggest moron. Why? Because i am so jaded. My vision is not blurred, i can see clearly but ............ it's like when you know better about something but continue to do it anyway? Make any sense? No? Good. I think i may be a self-proclaimed sadist. I do things i know will hurt me but i can't seem to stop hurting myself. And i do it primarily through my thoughts.
I'm sure he must be amused by me. I dunno why i feel like he knows exactly what goes on with me and is having fun with me. He's not a mean person, just fun loving. And i on the other hand am mentally challenged. Psycho if you will. I want to cut this off right now. I told Eboni about it last night. She wore me down and i guess i was about to burst so i let her know who Mr. Big is. I regret it now. I feel like i am vulnerable right now. That is why this entry is so morbid. No, actually i am usually a morbid person. Anyway i told her i wanted to cut him off. I am very good at erasing people who threaten me from existence, even when i see them daily. So i want to forget about him before i fall deeper and can't pick myself up again. I can't be hurt like that again. No more rejections please. I have to stop crying. I have cried for too long and i can't deal with any more. Ok i sound like Toni Braxton's lyricist. Let me stop. I have to go reattach my sanity. This was meant to be therapeautic. Huh.
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