Happy Face

I woke up this morning, sun shining bright and i put on my happy face. Well, i put on my Destiny's Child Cd and listened to that song. Anyway i have my happy face on and in full effect. Yes, you guessed it, Bigg. Ok, i just have to clarify that my life does not revolve around the man, just my blog. Nothing more, i promise. The boy has me scribbled over him. And i don't think he even knows it. Well, he does a little.

Ok, here's what went down today in the land of Sam. I got up at 10, i know it was really late. I was awake and in my bed from 6:45 but i got up at ten to get ready for my 11 o'clock. I put on my favourite shirt, one that i can confidently say i look good in. I did my hair and face and all that and went to class, I was really restless cuz it was the last class i had before Thanksgiving break. Anyway i got my test back and i didn't do so hot on the essay and i can understand why, i did not give it my best that day. I got a 96% and tied for top score but i coud have gotten 108% and i really wanted it. In any event, i have the final left so i am still going to come out with an A. Perhaps my only A this semester. My GPA is going to suffer if i don't get a C in Bio and and A in everything else. But i am praying i get an A in Lit and Psychology. God help me.

Right, so now the good bit. So after class i went to [insert building name here] with the intention of looking for Bigg. I had this article i wanted him to read and plus i was leaving for break today and wanted to talk to him before i left. He was eating so he said he'd come to where i was going to be. I have him the article and he was working so he said he'd get it back to me. Then when i was walking up to the journalism office, he stopped me on the staircase and said some name in Zulu i think that meant to be kept, it started with a G. He was attempting to find my middle name and he didn't. Aww. He was researching on my language to find it out. I offered to tell hm but he refused. Anyway i had to go eat and stuff. Towards the time i had to leave (my aunt was picking me up to go home) i swung by where he was working. Thank goodness he was alone, i prefer it that way. I sat with him and talked rubbish for about an hour. It was cute, i think. I said really dumb things like i always do when i am around him. But he looked so sexy today. And i was running late, knowing my poor aunt was waiting but i wanted to be around him. At the end of it all i was leaving and he asked if he got no hug. Inside i was doing my crazy happy dance. I hugged him, and not just a quick hug but we held on for a bit and he rocked back and forth from foot to foot. He felt so good, you just don't know. I wanted it to be tighter but i settled for what i got. Even in heels i'm still shorter than him. And i love broad-ish shoulders on a man and he's an ex football player. Ugh! Yum. I just hope i was on point.

I am so anxious to kiss him. I know that'll probably never happen, we are just buddies. I like him but i dunno if i mean as much to him. I know he is getting over his ex, it's only been 3 months and who's to say i could ever hold a candle to her? Plus he was with her for two years. She meant something to him. They broke up because of distance and trust issues. Hmmn. We are going to be in seperate locations after the spring and i don't think he wants to complicate his life with that again. It's gonna hurt me sooo much. I just know it will. I want him that badly, and no it's not all lust. I want to know him deeply. I want to be there for him and be his confidante. I want him to feel like i'll always be there for him, i want to make him happy. My gosh, i sound like i am ready to marry the boy. Maybe i just fall too easily. I have officially fallen for him, despite all i say and all the drama. I am not so deluded to even consider it being love, but i know that my feelings have been invested. It's too late. I am gonna get hurt and i am afraid of that. I have liked guys before, but not guys i had no problems with. I mean me and Bigg don't know each other well at all, i dunno what i have fallen for exactly but i am powerfully drawn to him, in ways i don't understand. I wish i weren't but i am. I can't deny that, at least not to myself.

My goodness this is going to end badly. But i am the one who wanted to experience life right? And this is part of life. Heartache. My heart already aches for what i dread is coming. I am not trying to speak that into my life. I want me and Bigg to develop and have a chance to exist as an us. But my timing is so off. He is at a point, i think, where he isn't ready to commit himself to anything serious. He has big plans for his life and he is goal oriented and so good about that. One of the things that makes him irrisistable to me. But i'm not sure he is figuring a relationship right now. He told me he was too young to tie himself down right now. Clear as day. So why'd i let myself get attached, and so fast? Couldn't help it. I am such a deluded moron.