Priorities

Well, i can't for the life of me remember what craziness i wrote in my last post and i am too lazy to look. But much has happened since then. Instead of going through a long blow by blow of all the details of what transpired, i think i'll try and paraphrase which may be little hard seeing as i am so long winded all the time.

Ok, well SG has been making some progress, i'll admit. He's not as shy anymore, coming to see me and stuff. I just get a funny vibe from him you know? I mean, he is cute and nice and all that, but something about him doesn't quite rub me the right way, so to speak. We had an interesting chat the other night. He showed up with his friend and when his friend left, we talked. I didn't expect it to go as deep as it did. I honestly thought he was going to cry at some point, he looked like he would, and i would have freaked out so i am glad he didn't. In any event, he told me about all he's been through, his less-than-perfect childhood and all the drama in his early life. I really felt for him, but i can't really relate, my childhood was pretty good. His was really really bad. He's been through it all. Then he brought up his little sis. I think he was referring to a poster on my wall and said his little sis would like it and i made a dumb remark about loving kids and stuff and he asked if i would ever date a guy with a kid. My mind was like "no!!!!" but i said i wasn't sure , it would depend on the guy and the situation. He asked what if he were the guy. Hmmmn. I kinda got that the whole hypothetical guise was removed and it was hitting a lot closer to home. I avoided the question by asking if he had a kid. He has a kid. She's a year old and he's not allowed to see her for some reason or another. Wow. He went into details, but i'd rather not at this point. The fact is, he is about 19 or so and he has a baby girl and an ex to deal with. I am 20 and a virgin. You kinda see where that clashes a bit? I can not handle a guy with such deep issues right now. I haven't been through stuff to know how to handle someone who has so many ghosts still haunting his mind. He has a 12 year old cousin who died a couple of years ago, and he blames himself. I don't feel like delving into detail but it is soo much that he is carrying around with him, i can't handle that you know? I am chicken, i know it. But i am not ready to play psychologist girlfriend for this guy.

He keeps indirectly asking me if i like him. I think he may like me. I dunno to what extent exactly, but he does. Why? I dunno why. And he looks fragile. I hate to seem like i am leading him on because the truth of the matter is...... i am not feeling him like that. I normally would still want to date him considering he's such a cool guy and so cute (i know that sounds incredibly shallow) but i don't. And i know exactly why. It's not just because he is so complicated and burdened. It's because of Big. I want Big. I want Big so badly i can't function anymore. And the ironic hing is, Big is a bastard. He is toying with my emotions, even though i'm not completely sure he knows this, but he is. One day i am hating his guts for not wanting me and then the next he is calling me and we talk for five hours about nothing and i can't get this goofy grin off my face.

Since my last post, Big and i had a few encounters. Most notably this past Thursday night. Big called while SG was in my room. He sensed or heard that someone else was there with me but i lied and said it was the TV. I dunno why i lied. I mean, there was no need to but i did. I told him i had just gotten out of the shower and i would ring him back. SG stayed till around midnight. I had a Bio test the next morning at eight that i hadn't so much as read a word for. But instead of picking up my Bio book, i picked up the phone and called Big. And we talked again for four or so hours. No, actually we got off the phone at 5a.m. That is scary. I woke up an hour later and went to my Bio class. I got an 8o on my test and had to rush to the Culture Fest to set up my booth. There was this guy from Kenya next to me who had a motherload of stuff and i was embarrased but i still set up my booth with my head held....moderately high. And guess who helped me set up....well, sorta. That's right. Big.

All day he kept coming in and out of the room i was in and i was having fun and anticipating the times he would come to bug me. How sad is my life, i mean really. Anyway i was drained at the end of the day and instead of resting, i went to dinner with the girls. I had fun. We ended up spending the night in my girl's room playing Truth or Dare. Yeah, college does that to a person. So they asked me who on campus i would considering dating and i said SG. Not because i would, but because they all know Big and i do not want them knowing i like Big. Well, Slim knows, but that's different. I would like to believe i can trust her and she seems to be my outlet otherwise i would go mad. Anyway we did stupid things and i got my mind off of Big. For a while. I went to bed and he was still the last thing on my mind.

The rest of the weekend, no big thing really. Sunday i went through the day, knowing he was back. He called me but i wasn't oin my room. Oh, yeah, i forgot. Saturday while me and Lace were in her room watching a movie, SG dropped but and watched Secret Window with us. So it was sort of an indirect date huh? Anyway back to Sunday, i went to bed without talking to Big and i felt happy because i wasn't so available to him. I wasn't sad and Pathetic looking. I spoke to Miguel instead. He got frustrated with me, like most people do when i sai i didn't know why Big would be interested in me anyway but honestly i don't. I am not gorgeous or sexy i am not the brightest crayon in the box and i seem to be the exception to the rule that ugly people have brilliant personalities. OK, ok i am exaggerating matters. I know. I am not ugly and i am totally clever. My prsonality doesn't suck. There. I feel better already. Huh.

I gotta run. No more, i talk too damn much.