Dream

I dreamt i had sex with Big last night. Not your average run of the mill missionary ooh-aah session. This was explosive, give-a-girl-convulsions sex. I am scared for me. Am i that frustrated? Wow, this whole celibacy thing can drive you mad. But i am not responsible for my subconcious right? I mean, it was surreal and all but i had no real control over what my mind dredged up in the wee hours of the morning did i? No. I didn't. Ok. Good. Help!

Then i had to bump into Big twice today. No phone call last night. No, even though we have telephone marathons when we do call each other, these calls are spaced out somewhat. And i refuse to initiate anything lest i be rejected and feel like a fool. I am such a deluded moron. So i saw him at around 8 in the morning which is never good because before noon i look like the swamp thing going through menopause. It's so not cute. And he called me Bighead. I dunno, some wierd American thing people say down here. Anyway i didn't answer him, i just sorta laughed. On the phone i can be confident and coy but in person, i lose it. I act stupid in front of him and feel so shy. I hate it. And he really looked delicious today. Completely scrummy.

I had another depression attack today. Out of the blue. It happened after my interview with a faculty member for an article i am writing. There was a Student government meeting and that's when it hit me and i plummeted with the quickness. I mean i felt so out of place at the meeting, so useless. Everyone else is so bright and take-charge and had responsibilities. I felt like a useless waste of space. And then someone said something with racial connotations. I knw they are not racist, i know that. I really do. But somehow it was the most unfunny thing i have ever heard. Not even a little bit almost-smirk-and-shrug-it-off funny. It was stupid. And it exacerbated the funk i was floating in. I went to my room and listened to depressing music despite the obvious redundancy in that and lay on my bed staring at my ceiling and hosting the pity party of the century. I didn't cry, that's just stupid. I don't do tears. But i reevaluated myself and asked myself why on earth Big would be interested in me? I am not physically appealing unless bony, breastless break-out beauty is what makes your liver quiver. I have horrid mood swings, like today. And i procrastinate, cannot be relied on all the time and am lazy. I mean honestly, i can't offer the boy a thing. I am pre-maritally celibate and...well...that just speaks for itself doesn't it? I have been kissed all of one time in my entire existance and i am not wholly surprised. Not even a little bit.

But it wasn't just Big you understand. I was just having a really bad day and for no good reason. It started off fine and then i plummeted and whatever evil spirit was hovering over me extinguished what little light i had fought so hard to ignite this morning. God is stronger than this, i know. But HE can't do much if i am going to fall for these lies the devil keeps injecting into my psyche. I was vulnerable somehow for attack today and i lost the battle. I refuse to revert back to the severe depression i used to experience daily. I just learned how to smile a couple of years ago, and how to laugh. I don't want to go back to what i was. People think it's bad now but they don't know just how far i have come to be where i am at right now. I have somewhat lost touch with God this year. As much as i would love to blame circumstance and location and the company i keep, i know i am my own person and i let HIM down. This year has been a spiritual waste. I am just like everybody around here. Hypocritical and deluded. I know better. I am not of this world and yet in my effort to be openminded and not judge as these Americans stress sooo much, i have become conformist in my way of thinking. Americans love to be defensive and tolerate everyone's lifestyle and not judge anyone. It's idealistic and unrealistic. They accept anything and everything, and it seems like nothing to them is wrong or sacred. They berate Christians constantly by saying we don't have open minds yet how often do they (whoever the hell "they" are) try and look at our perspective. I dunno if i should include myself anymore because i have been transformed in a way that scares me. I am not saying i want to be judgemental and horrid or that all Ameicans are like this (i really shouldn't generalize like that, there are many Americans who've got the right idea), but i know what is right and what is wrong. It's not my opinion but what God tells me. I cannot be tolerant of things i do not believe are right. I am not living for anyone else but me. And when God comes for me, i need to be on top of my game.

I dunno where this is all coming from. It's late and i'm tired. I just want to understand what is going on inside of me and why my priorities are so screwed up. And i am afraid about this thing with Big. Say we do hit it off like i desperately want us to. Say we start dating. He isn't celibate and though i am, will i be strong enough to stay that way? It's been simple enough so far because temptation has always been on the horizon. But now i am closing in on it and i am scared i will let myself down. I was pulled out of my comfort zone and my relationship with God suffered this year. I am afraid i'll mess up this thing too. And i am not ready to deal with such consenquences. I am not willing to give Big, or any other man that God has not ordained for me that little section of my spirit. Sex to me is wholly spiritual and i don't like to mess with the supernatural too much. Ok, ok i am getting philosophical now, i need to stop. Whoever reads this blog up till this point is a brave soul. I don't think i would. Goodnight.