Ok. Several things have happened since the last time i wrote. I don't even remember what the devil i was going on about last time, but i have a feeling i was depressed about something then. Anyway, i am not so much depressed anymore, well, maybe just a little bit, but i am confused. Like i have mentioned before, i do not think i am a beautiful woman by any means. I am not ugly, but i don't turn heads. Well, that's what i thought. My friend told me that if he wasn't involved with his girl right now, he would have gone for someone like me, whatever the hell that means. And when i didn't take him seriously, he told me that a couple of his homies said i looked nice. Ok, ok, all high school stuff right? Yeah, but i still denied it, i know i know i am useless. Then he mentioned the name of one of said friends, let us call him Shy Guy. He's a really nice guy, very very cute and he has his stuff together. He is not your typical again (i dunno how that happens twice for me) and i like his flavour.
Ok, so yesterday was the kickoff to the Culture Fest. I am so into that kind of thing and i love culture and other traditions and stuff so obviously i was going to go. And the fact that i am an international, makes me all the more interested. So i go and it was looking very cultured (ha! how clever am i?) and i was into it. I was expecting to see Mr. Big sometime that night, at least i was dying to see him. I know i am pathetic, i am supposed to be avoiding him, but a huge part of me really wanted to see him. I was afraid he might have gone home for the weekend but i got back to my room to change (it was bloody cold out there and i needed a sweater and a jacket) and i checked my phone for missed calls and lo and behold Mr. Big's number flashed up. I dialled it and got his machine so i left him a message telling him to call me back when he got it. I left for the fest with renewed hope that i would see him. I saw his homie.....let's call him DeVito. So i am hanging out at the fest, soaking up the culture and having a time. I am a loner, so i was standing around by myself, no problems or anything, just enjoying. Then Shy Guy walked up to me and sparked up a convo. Wow. He actually spoke to me. Funny thing though, i am usually very very nervous around cute guys i am interested in, but i was totally cool with him. I mean he was fun to talk to and a very nice guy but there was something that was a bit off colour so to speak. Anyway, as we were talking guess who finally shows up? That's right, Mr. Big. He passed by behind me and sat on the pavement by himself. BY HIMSELF. He never does stuff like that, he's usually a people person. So i am feeling anxious now because Shy Guy is going on and stuff and i want so badly to take the oppurtunity that presented itself and sit by Mr. Big and talk to him. My mind was on Mr. Big the entire time i spoke to Shy Guy. Then out of the blue Shy Guy asks if i like movies. Guess we know where that one's going kids! Yes, he asked if i would accompany him to the movies next weekend. And i obliged. Wow. Now i am not so naive as to think it's a date because quite frankly, i don't take things at face value too often. I just assume we are two consenting adult friends spending an innocent evening at the theatre for some entertainment and maybe some food with physical contact limited to a handshake. Ok, that whole statement sounds naive and retarded. I am such a deluded moron. But i am not going to regard this as a date, i am so into taking things slow so as not to look a fool and be embarrased. So it's not a date, just a movie.
I kept glancing at Mr. Big though. He looked annoyed with something. He was just preoccupied and it made it so hard for me to focus on anything but him. The trip was when Shy Guy finally left, so did Mr. Big. I mean it was entirely coincidental because it was the intermission and everyone was rushing for the pizza. I wasn't, i was depressed. Not really, but i was down. The rest of the night it seemed me and Mr. Big were playing the ignore each other game. I would pass right by him and pretend my line of vision did not include him. Then me and Slim decided to go see about the foam dance party that was being held. No one was there when we showed up but everybody was behind us though. I think everybody is seriously preoccupied with Slim, so they were nosy enough to follow us. So everytime i stood somewhere near the foam thing, Mr. Big was always directly across from me. It was wierd because i didn't do it purposely and neither did he but we just ended up across from each other the whole night and he was still preoccupied and just looking down. I wanted desperately to lay his head in my lap and caress it and make him feel better. But at the same time i wanted to ignore the bastard for ignoring me and confusing me the way he's been doing. I wanted to hit him for not seeking me out and trying to talk to me that night. For not being interested in me the way i am in him.
But alas, i am now sounding desperate and pathetic and that is not my intention. I have to get over him like yesterday because i am not functioning straight thinking of him all the time. And it's distracting me in every aspect of life. Honestly last night at around midnight i wanted to call him. Yes, i was going to look like a moron but i just needed to hear his voice. Does that not scare the crap out of you? I am frightened of myself, i sound like a freaking stalker. I latch onto feelings and people way too easily. Anyway, i have determined once again that i will block him out of my brain for good this time. I know i will fight myself not to pick up the phone and call him tonight but i can do this. I can.
I have my big presentation in the Union tomorrow afternoon and i am scared crapless. i hope i don't bore these people half into oblivion and i hope i articulate myself well. I am meant to be a journalist but my public speaking skills are atrocious. I tense up and hyperventilate and my knees buckle and i look retarded up there. I need to practice tonight and get a grip. Yes, do get a grip Smooch. Ok, i'll be fine. God will bless me with peace and clarity of mind.
I am kinda looking forward to this movie with Shy Guy on Saturday but not really. Even though i am not going bonkers over him, i still don't like rejection and i don't want him to find out that i am not the one. I mean i probably am not, but i rather not he find out. I am such a deluded moron. I need to go and rest my brain, it's been over exerted.
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