Pathetic

Not a good day. I have been having too many of these lately and i am beginning to realise that it's all because of me. I figured i'd start this blog today since Miguel showed me his. As an aspiring journalist maybe this will be good for me. As a chronic introspective recluse, this will hopefully keep me sane. So it starts.

And it starts on a day i regret already. I am in a quandary. And over a guy no less. Can you imagine it? Me, feigning over some guy. I'm disgusted really. If you know me at all you know that i am a control freak in every aspect of my life. I love to be in control of everything i do. So when i find myself losing it over some guy you could say i am a bit worried for me. I am one of those people who strives to be hard to figure out. And quite frankly i'm very good at it. People have their assumptions and ideas, but they don't really know. I like it that way. The only times i am ever so much as close to being the real me is in my head. And then i am trying desperately to figure out what the real me really is. Ok, ok i digress. I was speaking of the guy. I think i am going to name him Mr. Big. No, that is not an allusion to anything dubious about his person, it's just that as an avid Sex and the City watcher, Mr. Big seems rather appropriate for right now. Let me give you a somewhat brief history of Mr. Big.

I heard about him all last semester. My friends would always talk about how arrogant and such he was and how he thought he was the shit. And like a conformist sheep, i went along with this view. Funny enough though i went the entire semester without ever putting name and face together. No one had ever pointed him out to me and there was another guy who had a similar name and i assumed that was Mr. Big. In any event, he was as about important to my life as a chocolate teapot. Then this semester rolls around and for the first month or two it was the same deal. Finally i found myself in a situation where i had to see him almost daily for a period of time. I finally connected face with name and we began a dialogue. Nothing dramatic, just a hi-bye relationship with the occassional joking and teasing here and there. Very elementary but it was refreshing. I cannot BELIEVE I just said that. Refreshing? Uck!
Anyway, i began to really notice him. He impressed me with all the things around campus he was involved in and the way he was different. I mean he wasn't your typical anything by any means. He has a distinctive style i find very attractive, he has interests that intrigue me and he does well in school, is eloquent......enough, is Christian and thinks outside the box. He is accepting of everybody, a real people person. He knows where he's going and is working on getting there and he doesn't let other people's petty jealousies affect him. In a word he's...........sexy. That is what i find incredibly sexy in a man. His personality is irresistable and it adds to his already sexy physical appearance. He has the body of an athlete, is strong, dresses well, looks clean and smells good. And i found myself increasingly attracted to him the more i spoke to him.

That's when the red flags first went up. I was becoming vulnerable to feelings i did not want to have for anyone on this campus, considering the circumstances. I know i am not the only one who must find him attractive and this school is simply littered with good looking females. Oh, yeah i forgot to mention my self-esteem problem. It's simple really; i have none. I dunno why but i never really have. I truly believe i am not a beautiful woman. That is not to say i'm ugly or feel sorry for me. I am totally secure in the knowledge that i was not made to turn heads. So obviously i went into this thing with my eyes wide open, knowing that if i had a crush on him, it would probably not be reciprocated. I thought it would be like all my other crushes, gone in a week or two.

Ok so i fell into a crush, i dunno if that is possible but this is my blog so it'll have to be possible. I found myself doing things i find sickening. I would walk past the areas i knew for sure he would be at at a certain time. I would find little things to grab his attention, even just for a second. He was the last thing on my mind when i went to bed and the first thing when i awoke. Not good. Then i did something i am a bit embarrassed to admit. I found a way to give him my number, very indirectly though. Technically he was doing me a favour and there was no alterior motive to begin with, i genuinely needed the favour but then i realised that if he really wanted to, he could use my number himself for personal reasons. But i thought, he can't be that sad, so i forgot it and moved on with life. This was on a Wednesday or so. All week, nothing. And i truly forgot about it. Come Sunday night i get a phone call from him. Very out of the blue, caught me off guard. I am sure he did it just to surprise me, just cuz. No alterior motives on his part, or maybe he was just being nice, i couldn't tell you. We spoke, mostly small talk. I kept waiting for him to say "Ok, well i just called to say hi. I gotta go now." I waited ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. An hour. Two. Three. Four. We spoke for about four hours. About nothing. For no good reason. Who does that? Hoestly who does? So obviously that got me happy though i tried with everything i have to supress the happiness it evoked in me, but it overpowered me. I had gotten a call from Mr. Big. I was psyched.

I had to tell someone so i told Lacy and then Miguel. I regret it now because i refuse to reveal Mr. Big's identity though Miguel really believes he has it though i won't admit it. I dunno whether to put the boy at ease and tell him and let him continue to believe what he believes. I figure let sleeping dogs lie right? ANyway i regret being so open about my feelings because that is so not my M.O. I never let anyone know when i really like a guy. I hate the vulnerability it comes with. Anyway i told them and they are still trying to get me to tell them who it is.They seem to miss the big picture here. And the big picture is that i am falling for a guy who i know for a fact is not interested in me. That is why i tried supressing my happiness from his call. That is why i keep trying to tell whichever part of my being that dispenses stupid feelings to slow the hell down because i am going to crash pretty soon when my brain catches up to my feelings.

The morning after he called i was elated but as the afternoon went by and i had another brief encounter with Mr. Big, i began to wilt. I realised what was truly obvious. He does not regard me at all in that way. I am just another person to him. Trust me, i have so much experience in that area of life (rejection) but i had already started to fall for him so pain was inevitable. I got to my room and erased his number from my caller i.d. and tried to forget about it and drowned myself in music and t.v. so i wouldn't have to sort out my wounded pride and disappointed feelings. I am better at running away from negative feelings. I know it's not healthy but it's easy. So i am running. I can't say it's not hard though. I mean take yesterday for example. I was sitting alone, minding my own business and Mr. Big was on his way somewhere. So he stops to say hey cuz that's the kind of person he is. There was no going out of his way just to greet me, i was in his path. OK, so we sat and spoke for about an hour. I suppose we're both long winded. He was killing time and when time came for him to leave he did. And i was left feeling like the biggest moron. Why? Because i am so jaded. My vision is not blurred, i can see clearly but ............ it's like when you know better about something but continue to do it anyway? Make any sense? No? Good. I think i may be a self-proclaimed sadist. I do things i know will hurt me but i can't seem to stop hurting myself. And i do it primarily through my thoughts.

I'm sure he must be amused by me. I dunno why i feel like he knows exactly what goes on with me and is having fun with me. He's not a mean person, just fun loving. And i on the other hand am mentally challenged. Psycho if you will. I want to cut this off right now. I told Eboni about it last night. She wore me down and i guess i was about to burst so i let her know who Mr. Big is. I regret it now. I feel like i am vulnerable right now. That is why this entry is so morbid. No, actually i am usually a morbid person. Anyway i told her i wanted to cut him off. I am very good at erasing people who threaten me from existence, even when i see them daily. So i want to forget about him before i fall deeper and can't pick myself up again. I can't be hurt like that again. No more rejections please. I have to stop crying. I have cried for too long and i can't deal with any more. Ok i sound like Toni Braxton's lyricist. Let me stop. I have to go reattach my sanity. This was meant to be therapeautic. Huh.