Tripped Up Again

Well, so much for that. I spoke to Bigg last night. This was after i left a message on his phone on Tuesday night saying how i didn't want to run up behind him. I called him once, he didn't pick up and i didn't leave a message. I called Slim and she convinced me to call him again. So i did. He was at the movies with his sister. I said i would call him back at midnight. I did and he still wasn't home. I should have gone with my instinct and said i would talk to him some other time. But he said to call him in an hour. So i did. I felt like such a moron. I had nothing to say and this whole teasing thing is getting a little old. Plus he isn't a night person so he was falling asleep and he said why don't i holla at him tomorrow (today) when i had a free moment. I finally woke up. I said i'd talk to him Sunday when we got back to school. I am not going to call him though. I don't need this.

He gave me a "sister" hug Tuesday. He didn't hold me tight and he swayed from foot to foot. That's a "little sister" hug. I let my foolish feelings get in the way and imagined it was something more. I hate this flip flopping from feeling to feeling every week. I really do. I used to be an intelligent person. Now i've let infatuation infiltrate this dam i have so meticulously spent time building against my feelings. I've leaked in ways i cannot imagine i let myself. I opened up to Miguel and Slim and virtually everyone i know knows there is a guy i call Bigg that i like. They know every last detail about everything and that is not me. I do not share anything about me, i keep myself closed to everyone and i remember why. I feel vulnerable now and stupid. I hate feeling stupid. My pride is wounded.

I am not calling him, in fact i have blacked out his number from my phonebook. I am going to erase all traces of said number from my phone and anything else. I am going to get up again and revert to the way i was, i liked the way i was. I wasn't in any position to get hurt. If he calls, i'll be cordial but will limit conversations to as short as possible. How much do you want to bet he won't call?

I may seem extreme, but i know how feelings can destroy a person. I am not giving in to the lies they tell me. I am worth too much to be chasing after someone. I have too much pride to do such and i faltered for a second there but i am getting back on track. I'll be fine. I just wish i didn't feel so crap.