The Feelings That War Beneath....

The Holiday
written by Nancy Meyers

Iris: I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. It's called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms.

I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade.

Shell Shocked

I am shaking. I feel colder than I should. Why is this happening? What was the purpose? I don't really understand any of it. I need to get out. I really need to get out. I am too shocked to cry and yet it was expected. I just needed proof. I got it. Now I feel cold all over and am shaking. This is so so bad.

Hopeless.

I can't do this. I can't do this anymore. I am trying Lord but I can't do this. I am not made for this. I just want to be held in your embrace and I want to be shielded. It hurts so much and it has hurt for so long and I am hopeless Lord. I am hopeless and in pain and I just want to be captured in your embrace.

God help me please.

Can I nibble on you?

It confuses me when he flirt like that. And tells me how beautiful my smile is from recent pics on Facebook. I hate being confused about him because I feel like I am going backwards the twelve steps I took forward over a really long time. Ugh. Don't read into it, just keep on steppin' girl.

So my TV is busted. I can hear but there is no picture. Ugh. Frustration anyone? Lol. So last night I decided to watch old episodes of "The Facts of Life" on hulu. Lol. Yay, memories. I used to love that show and I was all into it but my silly PC is super old and so it was playing a little funny but it was a nice flash back. I realized that Tootie could be my little sister's twin at that age. They look just alike. Hmmmn.

I really have nothing to say today. I have been having a REALLY hard time waking up in the mornings, even with enough sleep so I dunno what is going on with me but it is not cool. Hmmmn. I just feel fatigued. Like seriously. I took off yesterday because of it and of course that is the day everything decides to go to hell. Nice. I am pretty sure H was upset with me cuz it turns out she had not gotten much sleep either. Bollucks.

But I was feeling pretty crappy in general and all of a sudden, with no prodding from me, FB texts me about how beautiful I look and how gorgeous my smile is on the new pics on FB. As if I needed more confusion. Lol. Ay. What to do what to do?

Friday

I have always thought my cousin P looked a lot like Janet. I just told her that the other day and she said she hadn't heard it in a long time, and she was beginning to worry it had changed with age. Lol. I hate her for looking like Janet. But alas.

I have not heard my celeb-likeness in a while. For a while people said I looked like Lauryn Hill. Lol. And before that when I was in my bandanna and belly top stage, people seemed to think I channeled Aaliyah. I like both ladies very much but it is still no Janet. Plus no one has said I look like them in a really really long time.

Clark just told me he has a girlfriend. Has ha a girlfriend for 5 months now. We barely talk now because of the distance and because telecom in Zim sucks. Anyway I am happy for him. But I just spiraled into this whole AM I THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET CONDEMNED TO BE ALONE FOREVER. Lol.

It is a sad day. I am headed back to the old city for Kenya's graduation. She is so excited. I hope I don't put her off with my horrible attitude lately.

On a funny note, I applied to jobs at Harvard. I think that is funny. Aim high right?
Ah, life.

From Super Skinny to....not so Skinny???!!

So was chatting with my co-worker today and she expressed how she has lost 30lbs in 4 months. She refers to herself as formally fat, although I have known her for about that long and I don't think she was fat and I am not so sure about her size difference. She says she was a size 10 and is now a 0-2. Erm....

So it jarred me a little, I don't think I'm fat. I have gained weight for the first time ever over the last year and a half. It has been shockingly not what I wanted even though I pined to be a bit bigger cuz I was always so skinny.

So I am a size 3. I am 5'4. I'm mid-twenties. She says she is a size 0-2. She looks about 5'4 or 5'3. She is early 30s. She looks bigger than me if not the same size. Except I have a bigger booty, a black girl's booty. Hmmmmn.

It was just a weird thing I thought I would ponder on. I admit I have not been to the gym in weeks and I have been hugely inactive. Am I getting fat? Should I nip this in the bud now? I think I need to get a trainer. Lol. I am a little non-plussed by this whole weight thing now. When the devil did THAT happen?

Apparently my Monday was not destined to go too well

Just got a call from my credit card company. Someone has been using my card online. I have my card in my wallet (well technically it is in pieces now in the rubbish bin) but someone still stole my identity and used it. I feel ill. Not good eats. =(

Janet Style

I have always loved everything about the Jacksons. And recently I have been enamored with Ms. Janet Jackson and she is my style icon. She has that tomboy-sexy style that I adore. The suits and the sexiness only she can embody. It doesn't help that I do not have Janet boobs. Lol. I wish I had her boobs but alas I wasn't blessed like her. Lol. In any event I am striving to achieve that Janet sexy. The hair, the tomboy-sexy, the abs. Here are a few of my favourite looks from my style icon.

Childish Behaviour?

Is it childish of me to feel nonplussed when people who are supposed to care about me don't take an interest in me? I do my best not to whine and bemoan the same people over and over. I understand that when I am in a funk or feeling low I should stick to myself and try to deal with it before going to others wailing. I do not call people too often to talk about me. I prefer talking about them or what is going on in their lives, if only to deflect the pure frustrating mess that is my own life. I admit sometimes I have to tel someone when i feel bad because i feel like I might explode from the pain but it is not so often that I have made myself a pest.

And I understand that people have things they go through too. Their own lives. But the one word that describes me lately is alone and this weekend it almost physically hurt. My cousin moved to Boston (Granted she lived in GA anyway and was still far away from me. But she moved and didn't even tell me. I felt neglected or left out or whatever. FB decided he was going to have a silent weekend and not respond to me so I felt neglected. Granted I was also convinced he was with someone this weekend which is cool but why not just tell me and not leave me wondering and texting and calling like an idiot. I stopped. Last night he texted me at 8 something and I ignored. I felt hurt that he did not care enough to check on me all weekend so I wanted to be alone.

This is the problem. I feel slighted because all my friends now, the only times I ever talk to them is when I call them. I should take a hint I suppose. I just didn't realize it until now. They all have lives and those lives do not include me at all anymore. So it was a sucky weekend to say the least.

And yet another bemoaning post. Fantastic.

Dear Today, I hate your Guts. Love, Malaika

So it would seem that life is sucking just a tad. Lol. I don't do well with pressure about money. I simply don't. I have had to deal with tuition I have been trying to pay off from last semester, tuition that is due this semester (in fact I was dropped out of my classes from early registration cuz I had not paid) and just this morning I got a text from my roommate that we are late with the electric bill and have until Monday until they cut off my electric?!

Now forgive my snobbery. I do consider myself to be humble in some areas but I really did not see this being my life. I was never going to be one of those people who had their lights cut off for non-payment. I have never been the rich kid. I have however been the financially stable kid. My parents did what they could and gave us a decent life with luxuries perhaps other kids don't always get but this whole living on my own thing is really cramping my style. And I am not even wholly materialistic. I like nice things but I budget and I buy what is necessary and when I have a bit of dosh left over I can buy a nice pair of earrings or new jeans since I have only three pairs that I have had for five years. Lol. I dress well but on a budget.

I do not splurge often. In fact my last real splurge was earlier this summer when I bought FB a Ultimate Michael Jackson Collection DVD set that I thought was fabulous for his birthday. It was under $100. Mine was cheaper. Yes, of course I had to have one of my own also. He had just died and I was clinging to anything that had him on it. But honestly it was the last splurge and the first in a long time. Even for FB's main gift (a wicked cool digi cam) I collected dosh from all his friends who turned out to be surprisingly generous and really didn't have to pay loads like I expected to. It was an expensive camera and what I collected covered everything but the camera case which I sprang for. Big whoop.

And this is the first month this summer that I remembered to tithe. And I typically pay all my bills at the beginning of the month when I get paid so I don't forget or have to worry. And somehow I have loads of bills now. But not because I'm a rogue shopaholic, but because I was broke the first half of this year with a part time job that barely covered rent and I had to put my rent on my credit card. I have credit card debt for the first time in life ever. It is way less than $5000 but it still haunts me at night. I am trying to be responsible. I would be saving like mad but I don't have anything left over after all is paid off I even buy groceries and cook. I don't go eating out too often and I haven't been to the mall in months.

It is just frustrating that I can not seem to catch a break and that I am losing sleep over money issues and I am stressing out and I dunno what is going to happen and everyone is telling me to trust God and that He will provide.

But I know He will. I just have to keep reminding myself that He works things out. It is terribly difficult when you have people calling you daily asking for tuition and for electric bills Lol. I want to scream a little. A lot. A whole lot.

Mum had mutual funds she wanted me to cash in order to pay off my tuition from last semester. It has been a hassle since April. What it comes down to now is that apparently according to American financial institutions and DHS, being foreign is simply American for "terrorist." I have no clue why I wasn't given the American dictionary when I arrived in this country. I had no idea that being a tax-paying student here in the States and working really hard to make a life for myself and my family was useless. All that matters is that I am foreign and not wanted here. I am somehow a threat to national security. Me. A young 20-something African girl who comes from a quiet African country and who is a nobody.

It upsets me so much that my mother invested her hard earned money and let an American financial institution hold it for her for safe keeping and they refuse to give it back because all of a sudden they have to look into things. What the hell does that even mean? Why was she good enough to invest but not good enough to get it back when she really need it? Get your stories straight America. You are picking on innocent people and deeming them suspect just because they are from outside your borders. It is not right and they should really be ashamed of themselves and get more qualified people to do the job who won't treat you like sum cuz you have an accent or won't disregard you because you are foreign. It isn't right.

And that is my rant for today.

Her sorrow and loneliness make it impossible for her to reach her true potential

That is a line from the Wikipedia entry on The Phantom of the Opera. I have Beyonce's version of "Learn to Be Lonely" on my grooveshark playlist because the title seemed interesting to me and I had never really heard it before. Then I realized I had never really looked into The Phantom of the Opera before. Shocking, I know but I always heard bits and pieces but was never really inclined enough to delve into it. I think I read an adaptation ages ago in primary school but it never had much of an impact then. But for an unknown reason I always found the title hauntingly intriguing. Anyway that song made me curious and then that line intrigued me also.

I seem to like things I relate to or imagine I relate to. I hate to think of myself as being the lyrical "child of the wilderness" that has to learn to be lonely. I hate that I am being drawn to things that speak of loneliness and neglect. I am currently enamored with the lyrics of Little Susie by Michael Jackson. I was always haunted by that song but recently it has been striking cords left and right. Especially the line that reads "Neglect can kill like a knife in your soul...." The lyrics are rather tragically beautiful and so was the song Learn to Be Lonely. But they shouldn't be striking cords in me. I don't want to relate to them.

Why am I drawn to these negative things? I always have been drawn to such and I am wondering if it is something inherent in me that seems to gravitate towards solitude and loneliness. A part of me is very comfortable with being alone and having my own space. And another part of me hates it. Unfortunately those two sides are warring in the same mind, spirit and body. It is a very frustrating existence I dare say, lol.

Has my inclination to loneliness stunted my emotional growth maybe? Is it stopping me from realizing my full potential in all aspects of life? I seem to think so a little. Am I my own biggest stumbling block or barrier from success and fulfillment? Perhaps. The realization is a tad disheartening.

So am I sabotaging my own quest for happiness with this sick subconscious quest for solitude? This is so strange. I am trying to move forward but I can almost physically feel I am still being held back. Is it at my own hand? How annoying is that.

And I always wonder if it is possible to be blind to potential boyfriends because I have been so caught up in this FB thing that I know will never go anywhere. I just figured no one has caught my eye and that may still be true but I am beginning to think I may have just had my eyes closed all this time. I am ready to move on from this point. I just hope my patience doesn't wear thin.

Puzzled

So we have all played with puzzles at some point of our childhoods. It is a pretty simple concept right? You find the pieces that match and fit and you carry on from there. It can get complicated but eventually you find all the pieces that fit and you end up with a beautiful or cool picture at the end of the day. You feel fulfilled and like you accomplished something.

So I can see the parallels in life with an everyday puzzle. You find the pieces that fit and match and create a solid, congruent big picture right? And at the end of the day you have a sense of accomplishment. At least you hope so. The only thing with real life is that all the peics that go with your life don't exactly come in a nicely sealed box with the picture of the end result on the cover. On the contrary, not only do you have no idea what the end result is going to look like, no matter how you try and plan and organize and fix, but you also have no clue where to find the pieces. rather some of the major pieces tend to find their way to you instead, at unspecified times and places in your journey. And sometimes it takes a long while for you to figure out if that piece actually fits and works. It could be a relationship you were so certain fit. It could be a job, an apartment, a career choice, a major, a move. The list is endless really.

It is not an easy puzzle, life. It is the most complicated, frustrating exciting and irritating puzzle you will ever have to piece together on your own. The important thing is to make sure that the puzzle piece really fits at the end of the day. It may take some re-working but they have to fit. It is never a good sign when you have to force pieces together. When you try and force two pieces that do no fit together because you are determined to make them fit or you have convinced yourself that they belong even when all the signs are screaming at you that they don't, the inevitable outcome is that one or both of the pieces will be broken bent or torn apart.

I have been trying for two years to fit a puzzle piece into my life that just doesn't seem to fit at all. I have turned it around and around. I have pushed and pushed and I am at the breaking point. My piece is beginning to break. Well, truth be told it has been breaking for a long time but I have ignored it. I wanted it to fit. I prayed for it to fit. I hoped and hoped and wished on a star and fasted and improvised and humbled myself and tried to change. Lol. And all for naught. Because it doesn't fit. In any capacity. I would like it to fit but alas, it was not meant to be.

Sometimes friendships are meant to be brief. Sometimes they were not meant to be at all. And yet we still strive because we generally assume that with friendship you were brought together and you have to work at it and you got along so well for a reason. But sometimes you are only meant to get along for a season. Sometimes you have to know when to fold and walk away from the table and continue your quest to solve the puzzle that is your life with the right pieces that fit. And build the picture that your life was meant to be. It seems rigid and unforgiving I know, but sometimes that is the way it works.

It's pretty puzzling, I know.

Michael

When is it going to stop hurting? When will I stop missing you so much? I have tried to move on but every day I get a lump in my throat and realize you are no more.

You were the sweetest smile I had ever seen. You were the gentlest soul. You were the coolest guy. The most generous heart. With the saddest eyes but it vanished when your face lit up with a smile. I truly fell deeply and madly in love with you the first day I met you when I was only three years old. Even then, I truly loved you beyond the confines of the word. I loved you down to my bones. I loved you with all my heart. You were the greatest and watched you in awe and amazement. My hero. My husband. Lol. I kissed that Thriller LP every morning before I did anything else. I insisted that everyone call me Mrs. Michael Jackson even as a tiny little thing, I was convinced I was your Pretty Young Thing. I was also convinced that in "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough" in one of the verses you said my name. Of course you didn't. You were saying something else but every time it comes on I sing my name anyway.

I never knew you but I knew that you were out there making my world better and it was a comfort. It was what I pulled around me when it got cold and lonely. I would say to myself, at least I still have Michael. When I was the new kid over and over again I slipped on my headphones and dissolved all those feelings of loneliness and fear with the sound of your voice and the beat. I took the jokes and let the other kid make fun of me. Obviously they didn’t know any better. You were the greatest and I didn’t care who knew about my devotion to you. I treated your CD's like treasures. Never packed with anything else and kept in pristine condition and with doubles because I listened to them so much I scratched them but I still saved the scratched ones. I lit up when your voice or your beat came on. No matter how bad I felt. You made me love music more than anything else. You made me believe that music made everything ok. You introduced me to the dance. You taught me how to move and how to love through dance and through song. I was waiting for the day that somehow God would answer my prayers and I would get to shake your hand and kiss your cheek. I cried when they spoke ill of you. I hurt when you hurt. I knew they didn't understand and they didn't care to. But I sent you my love everyday and hoped you felt it.

And now you're gone.

Those that knew you suffer a deeper more shattering pain than I think I ever will but don't misjudge my broken heart. My world has lost its music and I cannot seem to will myself to stop crying daily over you. You are gone. Why did you leave? Why can't I let you go? I know you deserve to rest. You always worked so hard. But I am going to miss you more than I have missed anyone in my life before. I just wanted you to know how much I am hurting inside and how I miss you so. Oh Michael, I miss you so much I may just explode from the pain. But I prayed you would meet God and know him and that He counted you among his own.

Lord, take care of this gentle spirit and soothe his tired soul.

May you sing with the angels and keep smiling that beautiful smile. I miss you. And my heart is aching. But most important of all, wanted to tell you that I love you. Truly and deeply I love you.

He Lied

It shouldn't matter because it was a while ago and I know the situation right now between us but a long time ago I asked him. He said nothing was going on. Nothing. He said over and over and would even get mad at me when I brought it up as if it were my fault, my obsession. But all the while he knew.

And as I found out he had been lying to my face, my whole body went hot and cold at the same time. I felt lightheaded and dizzy and I felt betrayed. He claims we are close. Best friends. I wish he didn't because we are not. We are no better than just friends and I wish he would just act that way and not hurt me like he does. Over and over and over again. How could I have been so stupid. I am sick and I can't even get away from it this weekend. I feel sick to my heart. I got let down and betrayed again. And I was used and am being used right now. That's what I get I suppose.

I hurt. I hurt so much and I feel so terribly alone. And I had already been grieving hard the past two weeks and now this. He lied. After everything. He still lied and continues to lie. And I know I should have gotten out a long long time ago. Despite the friendship. Because really, what more am I than a distraction and an affirmation of some sort. I am no friend. I am simply a pawn. And honey, you best believe you were played like a chess game.

Men Fail

Apparently 'tis' the season to be a douche bag if you're a man.

One of my co-workers gave me the title to today's post. We were not having a male-bashing session as you would expect. That is just bitter and ignorant I think. I don't subscribe to sitting around talking about everything that is wrong with the male species. I mean come on, no one has that kind of time. Lol, don't get knicker in a twist guys, kidding! But guys, you are not helping your cause here at all.

I am not saying ALL guys are bad but lately all the women I know who are in relationships are having issues with these guys who are acting like complete assclowns. Yeah I said it assclowns. So we were discussing just what a crap week a few of the girls we know have had with their blokes and my co worker in exasperation just exclaimed "You know, men fail." Lol.

I just thought it was the funniest thing ever.

Not all guys suck and not all girls rock. I'm adult enough to realize this. But this one is for the douche bags out there. You know who you are. If you feel those defensive emotions rising up in your chest and you want to cut off my arms and beat me with them, then this one's for you kiddo.

Stop being a prat to your girlfriend. just knock it off already it's not cute and makes you look like a jerk. I'm just letting you know to help you out. Honest.

If your girl is not a douchette, then stop treatin her like all the things she does for you are expected. I understand it is almost summer time and the 'other prospects' are looking better and better to you but honestly look at yourself and be honest with yourself. Are you really that fantastic that you can get whatever you want whenever you want it? Nope. You are probably out of your league already.

So. Moral of this story? Stop being a douche. It sucks and hrts and once you realize that girl was the most amazing thing you ever had, it'll be too late.

Proper Help

My first session with proper psychologist. Lol, ok don't freak out. I haven't gone round the bend. I am just sussing out what is going on with me and trying to get out of this funk.

I'm being proactive in my well being. That is a good thing right? No more sitting about lamenting about how depressed I am. Lol.

SoI had no clue what to even say. I'm sad all the time? No, that's not quite true is it? I suppose I go through my episodes and that is when I write the most. Lol But really, it is just life being life isn't it? I mean what could I possibly have wrong with me that other people are not dealing with right?

Truth be told, I made the appointment during a particularly sad time and so it seemed like I would implode if I didn't talk to someone whose job it is to fix broken people like me. But I have been steady this week so when I walked in I really had nothing to say. I know I have some deep seated stuff but I was really feeling quite foolish complaining about my life.

I did however. Apparently I am self-loathing. Lol. I dunno why that is funny to me but it is. It may quite possibly be true too. Ugh. I dunno. I am hoping this will help me deal with my demons and move on. If not, I look really silly gushing about my life.

Work in Progress.

Blank Canvas

Every time I try and get on here to write something, I don't have anything to write anymore. I'm a writer for crying in a bucket. It's all I'm really good at an I am not even good at it anymore.

I'm seeing a counselor. Tomorrow. I was meant to see one yesterday but some other patient of his had a bit of a meltdown and so they rescheduled me. I don't mind, I'm not a danger to myself or others. I am just so.....

That is the main problem. I can't write and I am nervous about seeing this counsellor because I don't know what to say anymore. About anything. The scariest thing for a writer is to run out of things to say and I am afraid I have. I don't know what went horribly wrong or when but I lost my mojo and I have no idea where I lost it or who to talk to about getting it back. Bugger.

I seem to be a blank canvas these days. Well, that might not be the most accurate way to put it. I am just blank. Inside. That is not a great way to be is it? I can't even put my feelings accurately into words. I'm not even sure if it is a sadness or just a laxness of spirit. I don't even know what that means to be honest, just my brain spitting out ideas I guess.

You want to know what the strangest thing of it all is? I feel like I am going through this shift. My body is chaging, my mind is changing and my attitude is very pale. Not even grey, because that implies some kind of emotion. Pale. And I got woried that this is how I am and so I booked an appointment with someone. The only thing is, I have no idea what I am going to say. I hav visions of me sitting there staring into this concerned face and not having clue where to start. I don't know if I have a problem. I don't know if I am sad. I don't know anything. I just know that all is not well. Before, it was just depression or sadness and loneliness or unexplained euphoria. Lol. This blog is a testament to that. But at this point, I'm very lost as to what to do with myself.

The fact that I can sit here and write all this nothing down about the nothingness I feel is rather funny. But my emotions are a bit short circuited if that makes sense. It's almost as if someone came and stole my soul and I am just this shell that exists. Ugh. That is such crap.

WHATS HAPPENING TO ME?!!!!

I was never happy-go-lucy all the time but I had a bit of soul to me. Peice by peice it has just gone away and I feel like I'm on anti-depressants. You know when people just flatline emotionally and become robots. But the kicker is, I am AWARE that I'm turning to mush and it bothers me.

Oh. My body is changing and that is D E P R E S S I N G. It used to be that at night, while I sleep, my body would heat up so much, like I was on fire. Touching my skin would be dangerous. It had to do with my metabolism kicking into overdrive at night. It is partly why I have been skinny all my life. But now that doesn't happen anymore and I am gaining weight. In all the wrong places. Lol. I have belly rolls. How gross is it to see a skinny person with belly rolls. Granted they aren't really that bad, mostly bad posture on my part, but still. My belly is not flat anymore and I am gaining weight. Ugh. That thought just scares me because I do not want to be one of those women who goes from super skinny to big and....well big. I know it is superficial but I have never had to worry about weight too much before.

I'm rambling. I know.

I just feel very pale and I wish I could snap out of it and rejoin life again. Find some joy or meaning in it again.

But for now I suppose I will have to settle for blank.

Sadder Than Blue

I wish I could take a pill and forget the last five years of my life.

They have been filled with heartache, pain and mistakes I can not take back. They say mistakes make you stronger and give you wisdom. I want to believe that with all my heart but in my case the truth is that my mistakes have ruined me. They have diminished my spirit and stolen my soul.

The memories haunt me and will not leave me in peace. They make me feel so worthless. I wish I could take them back but I know that my life will never be the same because of them. I never intended to be a misery. To let bitterness and pain destroy who I am. But somehow it happened.

I feel worthless to be perfectly honest with you. I feel like I have wasted the gift called life and it deserves to be given to someone else. I have spent the last 6 hours crying. I used to hate crying. But now it is all I do. I am filled with so much hurt and no matter how many tears I cry, I can't seem to wash it all away and start again.

I thought I knew better. I was the responsible one growing up. I thought things through and learned from mistakes other people made. I never thought I would destroy myself but I have. The last five years of my life have been the worst. I just acted. Four of them. Four.

I met Bigg when I first moved to the states for college. I did not like him initially but we developed a rapport and I began to like him. Then it became clear he didn't feel the same way and I was hurt and pushed away. Then I met B. At first B was just a way to get Bigg out of my head. It had never been serious with Bigg so it was fairly easy to forget. Then I began to fall a little for B. I knew he was interested in sex from the beginnning but I was not that kind of girl and did not have any experience in that area. But the more I liked him the more restless I got. And then B must have gotten bored with me. I moved, he moved and we talked a little less each time. And so I flew out to see him for a weekend. I was delusional and lonely and hurt. Mistake one.

I cried for weeks. I had lost myself in that moment and I didn't realize how much. Mo came along. I never truly liked him but needed someone to like me because my ego was hurt and I was lonely. I knew it was a mistake just giving him the time of day. But I did. And I figured I had lost myself anyway. Mistake Two.

I met "Jackson" later. I didn't really like him either, Again lonely and in need to be liked by someone. Mistake three. It makes me sick to just remember how cavalier mistakes two and three were. Sick to my stomach to even think of it.

And then the icing on the cake. FB. I didn't know too much about him at first. He worked with me and I needed to get Jackson away from me. I saw FB at work everyday and slowly I began to develop a harmless crush. It was kind of cute to be honest, But then I heard FB was in a three-year relationship with a virgin. And I heard FB was quite a bit older than me. So I was crushed in that schoolgirl kind of way and decided to forget him. But he began to call my phone and text message me and Facebook me and I could not stay away. And the crush became stronger. Oh I knew very well how wrong it was and I often asked God to forgive me. And then FB and I began hanging out pretty much everyday. Him and 3-year-open-relationship-girlfriend were having problems and he had moved out. I pretended not to like him. We continued to hang out a lot. Mistake Four. And I was only 23. It had been only 2 years since mistake one. I made four major life errors in 2 years. I could not believe it so I did not think about it.

But here is the worst part. Even though Bigg and B were the only ones I had ever liked, I fell in love with FB. Maybe I'm naive and foolish but I believed I was in love. And he was not. For the third time I had been rejected by someone I cared about deeply. This was the worst because I was deep in it and I had been hurting and he made me feel good and bad all at the same time.

The point is I look back on the last five years and just weep bitterly. I destroyed my life. With such ease. I destroyed it over romance. Ironically I had never been on a date until B. And I was 22 then. He was my first kiss. My first heartbreak. And FB was my second. And my biggest because right this minute I still love him.

And he wants to remain best friends which we kind of are. I can't get past it because he is still in my life. And my head hurts so bad right now because I have been crying all morning. Mourning my own death a few years ago when I gave my heart out like an idiot and saw it ripped apart over and over again.

So now I don't want it anymore. What good is a heart when it only breaks? What good is love to me if it can not be returned? What good am I if I don't want to join life.

I just feel like such a fool.

I wish I could take a pill and forget.

And I wish I could take a pill and be cleansed of my past. I wish I could be clean enough again to join God in heaven. Because I don't have anything left here. I let it all go with just one mistake. And now I'm tired and want an eternal sleep.

So why do I feel like, just like the other men in my life, you are rejecting me too God. I would understand why you would, but I don't understand why I still have hope if it is in vain. I want to be with You God. Away from this horrible place. Make me clean and take me away please.

Miss Him

So you are not gone.

I speak with you everyday. But something is very different.

I know I shouldn't care. I shouldn't care so much. But I do.

I feel empty and uncomfortable. I hate it.

He is right here but he seems gone form me. He isn't the way he used to be and I am losing him all over again.

Abs

I am alternating between hating my tummy and having zero hope and having some hope. I bought an ab aerobics dvd today. Lol. I am working on getting a sexy body. Oh my goodness is it just me or does Valerie Bertenelli (however you spell that one) look amazing? I saw the latest Jenny Craig ad. I have no idea how old she is but I want her stomach. I'm so jealous. I am working toward the Janet abs. I dunno. Here's hoping.

I wish I didn't care so much. If I could just switch off I would. But I find myself caring and thinking and buying cards and missing and wishing he would call or text. I am disgusted. I wish I didn't care. I wish I didn't. I want to just curl up and live under a rock, I hate this. How long will I have to be like this? How long Lord? Please. help me out of this hole I am in.

Ok. Another dismal post. I need to try harder.

Got the Job

Am very grateful/ I was truly blessed to get it so thank you Lord.

I am still in turmoil but I am beginning to think it is not going to go away soon. I am just sombre. I'm not sure if that is accurate but it is how I feel.

I am going to start working out for real tonight. Class was canceled so I have a little extra time to go and change and come back and work on these rogue abs of mine. My tummy is flabby. A skinny girl with a flabby tummy. How gross is that thought? Lol.

I am not as happy as I may sound. Lol. Ok, I dunno if I even sound happy. But anyway why dwell. Just live through it and hope it dies down someday.

All The Things I Could Do.... If I Had A Little Money

Money Money Money........

Must Be Funny.....

In the Rich Man's World.

In my world it is not funny at all. So tuition was due last Friday. I have not paid it. I have no dosh. Barely enough for rent. They have a nasty habit of dropping people who do not pay on time. It is the last bit of the semester. Being dropped after all the money I have paid and all the work I have done would be devastating to say the very least. I would want to cry my eyeballs out.

I asked my uncle for a loan.

Most embarassing thing I have ever had to do. I feel so bad for asking but I had no other options right now. I feel bad enough mum is liquidating her securities just to help me out when they need the dosh waaaay more than I do. Its not fair I tell you.

I hope I get this new job. Had second interview today. Only thing about this job is that they pay once a month. Lol. Its still more than I make now but once. So wow.

Ah.

Money Money Money.......

Always Sunny.......

In the Rich Man's World.

Caged Bird

I have an interview for a secretarial position tomorrow. I should be picking out my outfit and removing this horrific nail polish this lady charged me obscene amounts of money for. I went in for a manicure. What crap. Waste of bloody money. She did a "French" tip thing that looks like something I did myself. IN fact I could have done waaaaay better. Ugh.

Anyway I digress. So I have this interview and I hope I get it.

I feel really tapped in my life right now. I am trying to get rid of him. Its been a joke, this whole get rid of him thing but I am serious. I am getting over it. I want out. I want out right now and the prayer and wishing and hoping doesn't mean anything if I can't just do it. I almost did the other day but I relented and sounded retarded. I asked him at some point during my sorry attempt if losing me would be so bad. He said yeah.

I'm not going to call him a liar but whether it would or would not dies not matter and no longer my concern. He'll get over it and it is not like he's alone. Open-relationship girlfriend is still his best friend. Redhead is his new friend. so i am backing out. it might be a chicken thing to do but i dunno.

I'm switching off my phone i think. For a few days. He gets mad when I do that but i need space. I don't need to talk to anyone i just need space in my cage.

I should be more grateful for what i have. Forgive me Lord. I'm sorry for my lack of faith and my ungrateful spirit.

Something needs to give though. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

So. Erm. ya.

Ok so I'm completely paranoid now.

Why do I get the feeling you are reading this? That you have read this for a long time and invade my private thoughts and do not bother to tell me about it.


Babe, if you are that is not cool at all.

Anyway I suppose I don't really care as much anymore. I am trying to shut off completely to him. He says losing me would suck but I'm sure he would get over it in a heartbeat. Or longer but it would not be like a break up because he never once saw me in that light.

I lost my confidence. And my joy. B was the turning point and as much as I hate to obsess over it I know I threw away my happiness along with my innocence and I'm still paying for it. Was it at all worth it? Not in the least. I traded joy for misery and I am so damaged by it now all I see and speak and hear is misery.

I want to pull away form him but I can't.

I feel trapped in my life. I feel so trapped. I feel like I am living for nothing really and that scares me because I know God. I have not been faithful or acting right but I know Him and I have failed Him and I am scared.

I just want my joy back. But perhaps, like innocence, once lost it can never be restored.

That really bloody sucks.

I know io shouldn't get overexcited at the slightest thing but.......

I did and I am trying really hard to be all nonchalant about it. In my head.

He referred to me as "baby" last night.

May not seem like a big deal but after this past weekend it did. I know, get a grip and don't let it get out of hand. Again.

Ok. So he called me baby. So what? Big deal.

Ugh! But it is for me right now.

Sublime

So I go back and forth and the drama is unbearable and I just lose my mind every week over him.

He came over this weekend and spent Saturday and Sunday with me. He took me to the Olive Garden and we went to see a movie and we cuddled and all that jazz. And my favourite thing? The kisses. Noting raunchy. Well, some were but the ones I loved were when he held me close and kissed my hair or kissed my forehead or little kisses on my lips. I loved being with him. I called him baby and so did he. He told e he missed me and I told him i Missed him too. He stayed with me until eleven Sunday night. He had an hour drive but he stayed. It was lovely. I just wish it were like that all the time you know? I wish I didn't have to live in fear of the next time he pushes me away and I fall to pieces because I know I won't leave. I want him in every way that hurts.

At one point he called me is treasure. I dunno if he was just kidding or being funny but it stuck. You're my treasure, he said. Let's just pretend it was real and he meant it and I really am his treasure.

I still pray for him. If I can get him to see God and love God, then I think we may have a chance. Without God I am stuffed. I need God to work in his life and sort out their relationship first. Then I can see our relationship more clearly.

Please God, work on his heart. Let him open it to you. And then please let him open it to me too. Please?

Surprise.....but not.

I have been an idiot for years. Love is something I don't like to tamper with. I got burned and kept touching the hotplate and now I don't know if I can ever be fixed. I hate it. Oh well. Same old story. Bleh.

Just Kidding

I can be entirely too naive.

It's still the same.

He's not interested.

Does things to let me know.

I let him confuse me and I don't know how to get out.

It isn't cool.

You know, they are never really bad people. They are just greedy. And selfish.

As much as I care so much for him it hurts me to my soul, he isn't going to change is he? I knew that two years ago.

Great times.

Regression?

This could be bad. I had planned to be free of it a long time ago. But I am deeper in it. I think I may be in love with him. Oh dear. Damn it all to hell. I have to wait and see what is in store this year because I am scared a bit. I need to seek God's counsel on this but that is my thought process right now.