Blank Canvas

Every time I try and get on here to write something, I don't have anything to write anymore. I'm a writer for crying in a bucket. It's all I'm really good at an I am not even good at it anymore.

I'm seeing a counselor. Tomorrow. I was meant to see one yesterday but some other patient of his had a bit of a meltdown and so they rescheduled me. I don't mind, I'm not a danger to myself or others. I am just so.....

That is the main problem. I can't write and I am nervous about seeing this counsellor because I don't know what to say anymore. About anything. The scariest thing for a writer is to run out of things to say and I am afraid I have. I don't know what went horribly wrong or when but I lost my mojo and I have no idea where I lost it or who to talk to about getting it back. Bugger.

I seem to be a blank canvas these days. Well, that might not be the most accurate way to put it. I am just blank. Inside. That is not a great way to be is it? I can't even put my feelings accurately into words. I'm not even sure if it is a sadness or just a laxness of spirit. I don't even know what that means to be honest, just my brain spitting out ideas I guess.

You want to know what the strangest thing of it all is? I feel like I am going through this shift. My body is chaging, my mind is changing and my attitude is very pale. Not even grey, because that implies some kind of emotion. Pale. And I got woried that this is how I am and so I booked an appointment with someone. The only thing is, I have no idea what I am going to say. I hav visions of me sitting there staring into this concerned face and not having clue where to start. I don't know if I have a problem. I don't know if I am sad. I don't know anything. I just know that all is not well. Before, it was just depression or sadness and loneliness or unexplained euphoria. Lol. This blog is a testament to that. But at this point, I'm very lost as to what to do with myself.

The fact that I can sit here and write all this nothing down about the nothingness I feel is rather funny. But my emotions are a bit short circuited if that makes sense. It's almost as if someone came and stole my soul and I am just this shell that exists. Ugh. That is such crap.

WHATS HAPPENING TO ME?!!!!

I was never happy-go-lucy all the time but I had a bit of soul to me. Peice by peice it has just gone away and I feel like I'm on anti-depressants. You know when people just flatline emotionally and become robots. But the kicker is, I am AWARE that I'm turning to mush and it bothers me.

Oh. My body is changing and that is D E P R E S S I N G. It used to be that at night, while I sleep, my body would heat up so much, like I was on fire. Touching my skin would be dangerous. It had to do with my metabolism kicking into overdrive at night. It is partly why I have been skinny all my life. But now that doesn't happen anymore and I am gaining weight. In all the wrong places. Lol. I have belly rolls. How gross is it to see a skinny person with belly rolls. Granted they aren't really that bad, mostly bad posture on my part, but still. My belly is not flat anymore and I am gaining weight. Ugh. That thought just scares me because I do not want to be one of those women who goes from super skinny to big and....well big. I know it is superficial but I have never had to worry about weight too much before.

I'm rambling. I know.

I just feel very pale and I wish I could snap out of it and rejoin life again. Find some joy or meaning in it again.

But for now I suppose I will have to settle for blank.