So. Erm. ya.

Ok so I'm completely paranoid now.

Why do I get the feeling you are reading this? That you have read this for a long time and invade my private thoughts and do not bother to tell me about it.


Babe, if you are that is not cool at all.

Anyway I suppose I don't really care as much anymore. I am trying to shut off completely to him. He says losing me would suck but I'm sure he would get over it in a heartbeat. Or longer but it would not be like a break up because he never once saw me in that light.

I lost my confidence. And my joy. B was the turning point and as much as I hate to obsess over it I know I threw away my happiness along with my innocence and I'm still paying for it. Was it at all worth it? Not in the least. I traded joy for misery and I am so damaged by it now all I see and speak and hear is misery.

I want to pull away form him but I can't.

I feel trapped in my life. I feel so trapped. I feel like I am living for nothing really and that scares me because I know God. I have not been faithful or acting right but I know Him and I have failed Him and I am scared.

I just want my joy back. But perhaps, like innocence, once lost it can never be restored.

That really bloody sucks.