"I miss you," he said.

It keeps getting buggery harder you know.

I am purging for real this time. How do I know? Because I think he's gotten the hint I was reluctant to send him and he is backing off a bit. Either that or him and open-relationship-girlfriend are doing much better these days that he doesn't need me as much anymore. Not that he every really needed me, but you get what I mean yeah?

So it's been two weeks since we were together outside of work. Its a good thing because I can feel a chasm growing between us. His phone is acting up so I do not get a lot of his texts. I dunno if he is just saying that to talk to me less and less, especially if he is spending more time with open-relationship-girlfriend and all or if it is the answer to my prayers for God to make it easier to let go of him. I dunno. But we talk far less these days.

And sometimes, when I have other things to do, its not bad. I see the progress I am making. But then some little thing pierces through the calm and the sinking, drowning feeling overtakes me. I feel like my emotions are crushing my chest in until I can barely breathe without sobbing.

But its progress I think. Withdrawal symptoms. How gross. I truly do feel like someone on drugs and weaning off of them. Tragedy, lol.

And he makes it hard sometimes. On friday, at work he walked up to me and told me he dreamt we were dating and for some reason we were fighting over doing the dishes. Hmmn. And then that night he messaged me and told me he missed me. And all the while I had that sixth sense feeling he was with open-relationship-girlfriend for his last weekend in the country.

He leaves tomorrow for a month. He is going to his homecountry for the first time in seven years and I am hoping while he is gone, I can get my stuff together and move past him enough to be "OK" when he gets back. Fingers crossed girlie.

So now it's San Fransisco. As in where I might be headed after graduation. LOL. This has to stop. I have no been applying for jobs. I don't know what my malfunction is, I do not have time to waste. it was originally going to be New York. Then D.C. Then Phoenix. And now San Fran. I dunno.

I know I need to get up out of this place. This city is not positive energy for me. I am filled with so much negativity.

My cousin pointed out a crucial fact that I have been painfully aware of the past two years but it just reminded me that I need to change. I can't go on like this. She sent me an email about it and in it she said:

You just seem off to me. You're functional. You're cool. But you're not happy in the deepest sense and I guess my intuition is just sensing that..maybe that's all I can see and that perhaps is not the right thing. It's one thing to go through relationship ups and downs, but be relatively happy and have joy. I don't feel any joy emanating out from you. It would be in your eyes, it would be in your laugh and smile...and I just don't get that sense from you at all. I know you're alive and all, but I just feel this really dead spirit around you. You just don't seem like a happy person, and I'm puzzled by that.This is a critical time in your life...you'll either curse yourself in the future, or create a future for yourself and a life for yourself that you'll love.

Honestly, M...life is short. Even though you have stresses of life and school and there are so many overwhelming experiences...take the bitter lessons to heart and really learn from failures and difficulties. I look at my mother's experiences all the time..she kept too much inside. Of course, she has a million other amazing things she did...but try to find some happiness,the real stuff. You can't base it all on circumstances, because life's shit sometimes...so much we don't have control over and what else can we do? Yeah..you don't need to go blabbing every little thing about your life...But

Don't be so wise in your own eyes that you can't listen to other people. You need to just make sure that you're not isolating yourself emotionally and acting foolishly. You're allowed to be foolish...and stupid and crazy..sometimes--it's called being young. But if I've learned anything, a little wisdom goes a long way.

"A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgment." Proverbs 18:1.

It got me to think. A lot. I have been hella reclusive and not living wisely but revelling in foolishness and I think for the first time this year I am concerned enough about my well being that I am going to make some changes.

I am growing and I put way too much stock in the wrong people. I am ready to live again and not have this dead spirit around me because I know everyone can see it even when I think I am hiding it so well. It really is a dead spirit and I want it gone. I want my happiness back. I want to be who I was and who I almost lost.

Hmmn.

That is all.