Um...jokes?

Lol. So me and Movie Buddy have been friends for a bit now. I met him through Creepy Nigerian Guy and we just clicked.

At first I thought he was digging me which I didn't want because I was not. But then we just were buddies. We went to the movies together ever so often and it was fine.

So we've been locked in a "poking" war on Facebook and making silly jokes about the other kind of poking. Anyway, so far its been fun but now I am beginning to wonder if the fun is getting out of hand?

He sent me a couple of naughty gifts today. I don't think he's into me, we're just buddies. But....hmmn.

I thought we were just having a laugh. I hope we are. That would be rather tragic indeed. Lol.

Pride

I just spent my lunch break (well, part of it anyway) at a presentation of a trip a music class took this semester to Ghana to study culture and music. Apparently, Ghana is THE place in Africa where a lot of American music has gotten a lot of it's influence.

So I walk in the library parlor and see a bunch of white kids and their white teacher in traditional African dress. I am not being racist (says every racist BEFORE they say something racist. But that is truly not my intent) I just thought the contrast was a bit funny and giggled
to myself a bit as I walked in. As an African, I suppose I can be oversensitive to non-Africans talking about my continent. Call it what you will, I apologize if that makes me ethnocentric but I just automatically do that.

So I had my mind made up that they were going to talk about a load of bollucks, for lack of a better word. I was prepared for a lot of silly, over- or even under- exaggerated information on things no one cares about or to reinforce stereotypical ideas. But I was open enough to hear him out and have an open mind about it and try and beat my rogue thoughts into submission. And it's not so much the race thing as it was the foreigner thing. I feel a bit iffy whenever any foreigner tells his or her fellow foreigners about a far off country as if that one or six months they spent there taught them everything they need to know about a place. Thats just me.

But I was pleasantly surprised. Music truly is soul enchanting. Once those students began playing and the African rhythm came through I was seeing scenes of home flashing in my head and I was rather embarrassed that at some point I got slightly teary-eyed.

The music really touched me and it was through the music and not the lecture or the pictures, that I really understood what these people learned on their trip. They learned the beat of African culture and they learned the rhythm of the people. I realize that sounds horrid and corny but I really had respect for them and all they learned.

One thing that stuck out to me was the value of always knowing where you came from that is really important to Ghanaians. Sankofa is the name of the symbol I have up there and it really means "Go back and fetch it." I was really intrigued by that and it reinforced just how embedded my culture is in my life and how, despite the strange accents shifts and the Americanization in progress, I will always be African.

So it seems I had a life affirming moment at lunch today. Cheesy, but I enjoyed it. Well done to the band though, they were remarkable musicians and I have much respect for them.

Home Stretch

Always the hard one ey?

I am dog tired. Like, I want to lay on the ground with my tongue hanging out my mouth and pant, thats how tired I am. I have been up and down all day and I am tired yo.

Lol.

So I have a gazillion things to do in these last couple of weeks before I am thrust into the unknown.

Bugger.

I know this is supposed to be an exciting time for me but bollucks, I'm a bit worried is all.

Oh, steady on! I'll be fine. I will be fine. I'll be....fine. Oh bother.

Suck it up. Snap out of it.

Right. So here's the plan:

1. Get a job.

2. Get a fab (well, depending on my budget) new pad.

3. Get lovely friends who love me and hang out with me all the time. And who are single and struggling like me. I just might stab a coupled friend right now, lol.

4. Do well at job. Hmmn.

5.Get dosh and be able to have disposable income. Ha! Sorry, ahem.

6. Buy lovely big-girl clothes.

7.Find a sexy bloke to date and be mad for.

Scratch that.

7. Find a bloke to care for me.

Hmmn. That sounds rather desperate, scratch that again.

7. Find a hobby.

Ah.

The pressure is getting to me, I'm going rather bonkers.

Choices

Disclaimer: Another one of my rather dreary posts. Not as bad as before, but be warned nonetheless.

So I'm in that limbo right now what with graduation just a couple of weeks away and this whole episode with FB and all.

23. Rather young as they say. So why on earth do I feel incredibly old? Perhaps it is because I have been living as if I am on the brink of death or something. I am wasting away at 23 and I am almost desperate to change that.


Usually after a nasty episode with whatever bloke has swept in and tried to ruin your life, you turn to your friends for solace. I do find solace in the girls. Funny enough me and my closest girls are in a bit of the same boat at the moment. Gorgeous Girl just had a nasty break up with The Prick who basically told her to her face that all the times he said he loved her and that she was the one for him, he actually was lying to her face. He told her point blank, that she was his rebound and he didn't give a rip about her. Tragic really. I was shocked. I was really quite put out by that. Gorgeous Girl does not deserve that. She is the sweetest, kindest girl and she is so stunningly gorgeous it's distracting. She's the Halle Berry of the group and she has been my comfort for a while now because she knew what I was going through with FB and she was able to reassure me that my life was not in fact ending, just a really sucky section of it was ending.

Then we have Crazy Girl. Also rather pretty and really funny but unbelievably morbid these days. I thought I was bad but her tactic is "If you can't beat them, join them." She has decided that sleeping with guys she doesn't care about and using them because, and I quote "There are no good men out there" is the way forward. Hmmn. I dunno. She has become rather hostile towards God too. I mean, she isn't atheist or anything, but she has gotten a bit of a "who gives a rip" attitude these days. I understand, what with all the wrong blokes she's been unfortunately involved with of late. I feel rather bad for her because she is looking so hard for Mr. Right and ending up with Mr. Stupid McHorny Balls.


Best Friend has had a time of it with men of late. Really horrible experiences that make me rather guilty that my little tit with FB got me all in a tizzy. And then Non-Gay Lover told me last night that she has just now gotten over a guy she has been in love with for 7 years. 7 bloody years!!! Oh my goodness.

So there is solace in the fact that I am not alone and that for every sickeningly happy couple or engaged couple or married couple that I know, I do have those who are sort of thrown to the sidelines just like me. Yay for camaraderie, lol.


The only thing is my girls are not here. I am rather lonely in this little city of mine. I failed at making good friends here because I was busy or whatever bloody excuse I come up with. Lol. So going out for a night on the town with the girls and getting sloshed is out. My apartment is rather miserable and I admit all I do in there is lay on the bed and watch the telly. I wonder how I'm not suffering from bedsores. I spent all of Friday and Saturday in bed which I have never really done and hope I never to do again. I wasn't particularly depressed or anything, I just had no drive to get out of bed and do anything. Quite tragic really.

Ok, I am getting away from myself again. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still smarting from rejection. Its always been there but now it smarts worse than ever. And I have no girls to rally round me, at least not in person. I am ready for a fast forward. This part of life blows and I want to be past it already.

God, I'm dying to be happy already. Something better go well because right now here's how it tallies:

1. No man
2. No prospects of a man AT ALL.
3. No plan for after Graduation i.e. no job. Currently: crap part time jobs.
4. No close buds to take me out and drown my sorrows with.
5. No family around me (as in my family)
6. Dodgy hair. Really dodgy hair. Partly due to #7.
7. No money. Due to #3.
8. No fun hobbies or anything.
9. Crap clothes in my closet. Due to #3 and #7.
10. Crap apartment and no car.

Right. This has to change. Quickly.

But right now I have billions of assignments to catch up on so Ciao! and hopefully next post is a bit happier.

Finally, the chapter ends.

I told him. Exactly how I felt. I apologized and told him about the feelings I had for him. We both knew it but it was finally said out loud. And that brings us to the end.

I'm going to be ok. Now that I have confessed, I feel I can move on. No longer uncertain or hopeful or unsure. Things are straight between us. I know now he is going to have pity in his eyes for me. And he is not going to know how to handle me. But I don't care. I have moved on and I am glad. I am not going back and forth again because I have gotten what I needed. The acceptance that I am alone right now, and its ok. I have things to do and look forward to and I can focus again.

I screamed at God yesterday. I told Him I felt like I was free-falling through life.

And he answered me with this and with peace. I am not letting this drag me down or consume my thoughts anymore. I don't quite believe how much time I spent on this. I am beginning to get pieces of me back and I couldn't be happier. It'll be weird but I am not clinging anymore. I am not looking forward to the hard days of emotional remission, but I am looking forward to this being another chapter in my life that was closed.

It has come to an end. Finally.

I feel like dancing.

Confession

He is ignoring me. He is not responding in the least and I am impatient. I want to know what he is thinking but I have come to a decision.

I just need to get things off my chest. That is all I want from him. I know he already knows this but I want to tell him that I lied when I said I didn't have feelings for him. I do. I lied when I said I was ok. I was not. I lied every time I acted like I was ok with him not feeling anything for me but friendship. I wasn't. Yes I have thought about him as more than a friend. I was weak and gave in to the fantasy of me and him. I know we could not work. I know it's isane for me to think we might have had a chance. I know.

I tried with everything I have to make the feelings go away and I failed. Yes I do get jealous and yes I do get lonely. And more importantly, yes I know he does not feel the same way. He never did and he never will.

I just want us to finally have it said, out in the open. No more hiding the truth we are both so aware of because the silence is deafening.

This could be the end and I just want it to end in honesty. I fell for a friend and I pushed him away because the rejection freaked me out.

Am I wrong for wanting him to know? Am I beating this thing too hard? Why can't I just let go and move on? I know I can get past this but I want things out in the open. I just wonder if it will do any good.

Don't read this. It's just the same old shit.

We just had a major blow out and he told me he would leave me alone. It was what I have been wanting. Well, not wanting but what I thought I needed but now I feel really weird. He was serious this time and he even asked me if I had feelings, deep feelings for him. That was the bit that hurt the most. When he asked me it was like all the unsaid things that have ever existed between us came flooding out in the silence. I was silent for a little while. Then I said no. He knew I was lying. I knew he knew. And then he just said goodbye and cut me off. And that was that. He said he gave me what I wanted.

I don't feel any better. I know its gradual but the way I feel now is horrible. I am not new to this feeling, this is what I have been going through on and off the past six months.

I am dying to tell him that yes, yes I do have feelings for him. Romantic feelings. And that yes I know he does not harbour the same feelings nor will he ever. But I am paralysed.

This is such a bad day. I found out I bombed my spanish midterm and then this happened. I wasn't expecting it, it caught me off guard. I knew it would come eventually but I was caught off guard and now I am finding it a little hard to breathe. I have no idea what I felt or feel for this man that has me going insane inside. I just know that we have hit some poit of no return. Regardless of what happens, whether we start talking again or if we never talk again. I know that it will never be the same again.

And i'm not quite certain how to deal with that.

Crazy Talk

I'm beginning to sound like a deranged parrot. Beginning? Lol, ok ok I have been sounding like a deranged parrot for a bit now.

Feelings are fickle, vile things.

My favourite author Sophie Kinsella's characters are always over-the-top, very silly girls who over exaggerate everything and get their hopes up waaaaay too high most of the time. They get ideas into their heads that something unlikely is surely going to happen and they start behaving as if it has in reality happened.

I am beginning to see these tendencies in myself and it's rather funny actually. So I spoke with this coworker on chat the other night. She is my supervisor and also works for FB though they really work together. She is the mother figure as she is in her fifties but she is very cool. So I just signed her up for Gmail so she could chat with FB and one night last week I was on and so was she and we had this really long, in depth chat. Granted she had had three or four glasses of wine. Lol. She was needless to say, pleasantly lit. But not drunk.

Out of nowhere she asks me if I missed FB and that spurned this really strange conversation about how FB and I were perfect for each other. She has no idea about what goes on with FB and I but she just pulled this from nowhere. She has met open-relationship-girlfriend
and said that I was a better fit for FB.

In addition to this weird little conversation, FB and I have been talking a bit more than I told myself I would allow. I was going to give myself a month. But then again I am fickle.

So with conversing with FB in my head and then what Work Mum said over chat....I was confused. I got it into my head that there was hope for me and FB and that it was what I wanted.

WRONG!!! Thank goodness my stupid bouts have sell-by dates. My silliness for the moment has expired. He changed his Facebook setting from "In an open relationship" to "It's complicated." Damn right it's complicated. Lol. But I don't need to be caught up in that.

Be warned though, I go back and forth daily. I am fickle and I know it.


I had the weirdest dream this morning. I dreamt I was at some football game or something and Prince (as in the Artist) was there performing "1999." For some reason his hair was dyed blond and he was wearing all white and I remember the dream being so incredibly vivid. I dunno why I had that weird dream, it was out of nowhere but I woke up with the song in my head and it's still there.

So bizarre.

Natural Oddity

Do men have some sort of spidey-sense out there that informs them when a girl they once dated or once liked or once shagged is available again? Or rather, when they are not? I haven't decided which time is more inconvenient really. Being accosted with past flings when I am in a relationship or when I am just out of one.

Granted I have not officially been in a relationship yet ever. Hmmn. Lets not dwell on this sad fact.

So that Jackson dude I got really tired of really quickly has been calling me non stop and trying to "see you for a min." What the bollucks does this statement mean exactly? And I really don't have the energy to see him. I am just knackered when I think of him to be perfectly honest. I just have zero energy to talk to him. And of course the cute Zim guy I had a crush on a long time ago who kissed me and then made things awkward is also on my case.

My brain is still fogged up with FB who I am falling deeper and deeper for despite my greatest efforts to do just the opposite. Ay! I am in a quandary here kids. Two, possibly three guys I don't want (#3 being the almost creepy but nice man-whore from Nigeria) are on my case, trying to see me all the damn time and wanting to hang out. I just don't want to. No good reasons aside from disinterest in all of them. I dunno why none of them make me want to be alone with them....or just with them for that matter.

And the one man I want out of my system is the one I keep falling more and more for. This is such a bloody mess. I need a drink.

I swear this will drive me to a drinking problem.

Don't ever get your hopes up again.

I overestimated the speed at which I recover and when I got back in there, I got torn to pieces.

I feel a little heartsick right now. Him being gone for a month was supposed to help.

It isn't.

Still simmering a bit. Oh dear.

Definitions:

Player:

A male who is skilled at manipulating ("playing") others, and especially at seducing women by pretending to care about them, when in reality they are only interested in sex. Possibly derived from the phrases "play him for a fool", or "play him like a violin".

Open relationship:

a). a facebook setting that allows you to give in to your sluttastic urges while keeping a "safety net" around in the event that you're unable to hook up with anything hotter.

b). a great way to set yourself up for some hellish drama, instead of being honest with your significant other.

This vocab lesson is thanks to urban dictionary.

Lol. I am not going forward by still being mad am I? I want to be indifferent about this already but I fear I might have gone a bit bananas. I want to be normal again dammit. It's been a week.

Yes, I heard myself too. I'm silly. I know this.

But the open relationship one cracks me up every time. Sluttastic. Hahaha!

OOh, here's one for me though...

Naive:

A person who despite overwhelming blatant evidence is oblivious to whats going on in his/ her surroundings.

My hair is possessed by the devil.

My hair. Ugh. I am still damaging it by doing ridiculous things to it.



Just recently I gave into getting a weave put in. I figured, I'll keep it in for a little bit and then take it out and see how I like it. Hmmmn.



I got lazy and it's still in. Oh dear. And I don't really know how to take care of it and now my hair is brittle I think. I want to take it out this week but I have been feeling it and I dunno where to cut. I don't want to go to the salon and have them do it because they will charge me an arm and a kidney. Ay!!



Why can't I have long flowing gorgeous hair overnight? I know it's unrealistic and black women have to work overtime on thier hair, but dammit I'm tired. I do not have the patience for my own hair and it takes FOREVER to grow and be healthy. And it's too thin to keep short. I dunno. I'm in hair limbo once again.



Being a black chick with trouble hair sux. Dang it. And graduation is in a month.

Granted I am not even inclined to walk now that none of my family can make it. My 'rents are overseas and will be moving back home then. And everyone else...well meh. I have friends coming but I just am not into it you know? I just don't want to go through the day for nothing. I mean, my closest friends can't even come. I dunno. Whatev.

Anyway I need my hair did for graduation and I dunno what I''m gonna do. And right after graduation, I need my hair to look decent while I am pounding the pavement looking for employment. They are not going to hire a black chick with scary hair. Oh dear.



Fairy hair godmother, where are you?

"Stand still so I can pick you up!"

Just read a really funny blog post on cheesy, horrible pick up lines. I find pick up lines hilarious. I heard a really bad, really old one during my speed dating experience. It was "Did it hurt? (Answer: what? When you fell from heaven." Ugh. Honestly.

But it set me thinking about some of the strangest attempts to pick me up so far. I have compiled a list that is a combo of things I have been accosted with and things I have just randomly heard. Funny as anything really.

1. Does your dad work for Nissan? Because you have a Hardbody. Ugh.

2. Are you lost? Because you are a long way from heaven. You're not getting in anyone's knickers with that.

3. Are you good in bed? Because I bang like a door in a hurricane. LMAO!

4. Your hair colour would match my pillow colour perfectly. Sad.

5. Do you have a license? Because you're driving me crazy.

6. If you were a booger, I'd pick you first. Um ew.

7. Well here I am. What are your other two wishes? Loser.

8. You must be tired. Cuz you've been running through my mind all day.

9. Excuse me, I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

10. Are you religious? Cuz you are the answers to all my prayers.

Honestly guys.

I cracked up when I heard the "bang like a door in a hurricane" one. I have to admit, that would make me laugh out loud if a guy tried that one.

Advice columns....a bit much....or....

I just saw this on yahoo and thought it was interesting. I know I am trying not to obsess over this but I can't deny it still plagues my thoughts. It was this girl who wrote in to psichiatrists for love help and she seems like her situation could have similarities with mine. Anyway, here is what they said to her and I think I see a little of it applying to moi too.

What you may not realize is that you're not in love with your ex; you're in love with your fantasy of your ex. You've taken every tiny good moment you remember, forgotten all the unpleasant ones, and created a gorgeous fantasy for yourself that no real man can live up to. That's not good for you, and doesn't make for a happy life. You may also be resisting letting him go because you've decided it means something bad about you -- that you weren't good enough for him. What's true is that he wasn't good for you.

Forgive yourself, forgive him, and put away all your dreams and mementos.
Forgive yourself, forgive him, and put away all your dreams and mementos. Literally, box up everything that reminds you of him -- pictures, cards, letters, gifts -- and get them out of your sight. Spend time with your friends, and build a good life for yourself. Before you know it, you'll figure out what went wrong here; you'll open up to other men; and you'll be able to put this relationship in the category of "memory" and build a new one that's even better. As long as you learn and grow, you'll always

Your heart and head give you conflicting messages.

You want to control the situation.

Your other dates have been unsatisfactory because you compare them to "him" and they fall short.

You act obsessed with this man, but are searching to get rid of him

An obsession is something that persistently dominates your thoughts even against your better judgment. You feel the target is elusive but almost within your grasp. It reveals that you are focusing on controlling the target. What sort of void is there in your life that you are trying to fill by controlling this ambivalent, judgmental man?

Work on having the integrity to keep your word so people will take you seriously. A lot of this drama seems to be created by you. Why? Is your life boring otherwise? Talk it over with a close friend, counselor or clergy, and get busy becoming a better you!

Hmmn. Thats all I gots ta say.

Speed Dating

I have always thought this was a ridiculous thing to do. I mean, you see it all the time in movies and on TV and all but I never thought I would try it.

Well....

I'm all about new experiences these days. Anything to get my mind off FB and the like.

So my friend M and I were studying and doing our Spanish homework today and she mentioned that she saw a poster advertising a speed dating thing held by one of the Hispanic fraternities on campus. I figured, it is on campus and can't really be serious and since she wanted me to go with, I obliged.

It was fun. I liked the fact that I wasn't moping in my apartment being all sad. The guys were....interesting to say the least.

So the only two black guys there were goofy as anything. One had an ass for Africa! He had more junk in his trunk than any black chick I have ever seen. More than me!! Lol. And the other seemed young.

So it was supposed to start at 7:30. Yeah didn't start till 8:40. Minorities why? Why must we do this over and over again? I should have known, lol. I had to be at work at 9 so I didn't think I would be doing a lot of "dating."

So the thing finally starts and initially the guys are meant to pick a chick and sit at her table and then move every three minutes. We all had sheets with numbers and we were all assigned numbers so that every "date" we had, we could put yes or no so that if we both wanted to see each other again, we would get each others''email. It was a trip.

I was game though and so I obliged. I sat next to M and the games began.

....Yeah so at first I was sitting on my Ace looking kinda pathetic. Then this guy came to sit at my table and chat because his girlfriend felt sorry for me or something. Tragic. What is wrong with me honestly? Lol.

But after that it was funny. The first three guys were a trip. One called himself Big Daddy. That fool was crazy. Told a lot of inappropriate jokes and was only 17. I think that might have been slightly illegal,Lol. Kidding. The next was such a dweeb, I felt for him really. Then there was this guy with a grey front tooth. The entire time I was terrified that he was aware that I was talking to his grey tooth the whole time. I just couldn't look away. It was grey!

The next bloke was an alumnus who worked for a bank and hated his job apparently. He asked questions like "Are you married?" and "Do you have kids?" I was a bit worried I might have had to run out the door any moment when he pulled out the prenup. Lol.

Then finally number 54 shows up and he was a cutie. A Mexican bloke with a cute smile. I don't think he was into me but that doesn't matter. I was not intending on seriously looking for someone, I just wanted to have some fun.

It was tragic cuz when he left and the next guy came along (one of the brothaz) it was time for me to get to work and I had to leave him there. I felt bad. Poor thing. Lol. It was fun though.

Next week me and M are going ballroom dancing. Well, the lessons on campus anyway. Should be fun. I am so going to get through this. I think. I dunno. I'm kinda worried about what will happen in three weeks when he returns. Oh dear. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts!

Number 54 was really cute though. Woo!

Muse

I came across a fab blog today that I instantly linked on the left hand panel.


It's called NY Girl Eats World. I read a few entries and I am inspired by her life. She is doing what I want to do. She is a freelancer who travels a lot and writes about travel and food. Plus she is an avid cook.

She is the kind of person I want to be at 26. That gives me only three years to get it together. Lol.

I was inspired by her blog to be more alive and vibrant. Writing about my low points only makes me feel lower, it has not really been cathartic so here's to a change.I think I might go back into the whole photography thing. I need a new camera though.

Hmmn. Broke but inspired. I guess this is going to mean overtime at both jobs ey? Lol.

Gotta run to my Spanish class.

Sunday, Monday HAPPY DAYS! Tuesday...Wednesday....

OK. Lol. I am not really that happy and goofy to be singing the Happy Days theme song, but I want these to be happy days.

I was just talking to Clark on Instant Messenger and realized how twisted and ridiculous this whole thing with FB has been. I really want to laugh out loud about it. It would make a fab book i think.

I can just see myself explaining the lot to my mum....

"Yeah mum I have been shagging this bloke.....

did I mention he's 31.....

....and in an "open relationship"....

...and he's Indian and Hindu to boot....

...Oooh, and we work together....

...as in he's my boss sort of....

...and his girlfriend is saving herself for marriage....

...and takes him to church....

...and there is a slight chance they might still live together though he denies it...

...and he doesn't give a rip about me...

...can I bring him round for tea sometime?"

Brilliant.

My mother would stab me in the heart.

Bleak

So I am sitting in my Opinion and Persuasive writing class and out of nowhere it hits me and all I want to do is break down.

Everyone is offering advice and telling me not to lose myself and how I should do this and I will be much better without him. I am not denying or rejecting that. I am taking it to heart. But my heart is cracked right now. I am in pain right now.

I just want to get through this. I know it is best to think ahead now but I am hurting right this minute. The future is looking very bleak.

I know it won't last forever. I have much to look forward to. But the here and now sucks.

And I am waiting desperately for my eyes to dry up. How much more liquid could I possibly have in me. I don't even drink that much water for gosh sakes.

"I miss you," he said.

It keeps getting buggery harder you know.

I am purging for real this time. How do I know? Because I think he's gotten the hint I was reluctant to send him and he is backing off a bit. Either that or him and open-relationship-girlfriend are doing much better these days that he doesn't need me as much anymore. Not that he every really needed me, but you get what I mean yeah?

So it's been two weeks since we were together outside of work. Its a good thing because I can feel a chasm growing between us. His phone is acting up so I do not get a lot of his texts. I dunno if he is just saying that to talk to me less and less, especially if he is spending more time with open-relationship-girlfriend and all or if it is the answer to my prayers for God to make it easier to let go of him. I dunno. But we talk far less these days.

And sometimes, when I have other things to do, its not bad. I see the progress I am making. But then some little thing pierces through the calm and the sinking, drowning feeling overtakes me. I feel like my emotions are crushing my chest in until I can barely breathe without sobbing.

But its progress I think. Withdrawal symptoms. How gross. I truly do feel like someone on drugs and weaning off of them. Tragedy, lol.

And he makes it hard sometimes. On friday, at work he walked up to me and told me he dreamt we were dating and for some reason we were fighting over doing the dishes. Hmmn. And then that night he messaged me and told me he missed me. And all the while I had that sixth sense feeling he was with open-relationship-girlfriend for his last weekend in the country.

He leaves tomorrow for a month. He is going to his homecountry for the first time in seven years and I am hoping while he is gone, I can get my stuff together and move past him enough to be "OK" when he gets back. Fingers crossed girlie.

So now it's San Fransisco. As in where I might be headed after graduation. LOL. This has to stop. I have no been applying for jobs. I don't know what my malfunction is, I do not have time to waste. it was originally going to be New York. Then D.C. Then Phoenix. And now San Fran. I dunno.

I know I need to get up out of this place. This city is not positive energy for me. I am filled with so much negativity.

My cousin pointed out a crucial fact that I have been painfully aware of the past two years but it just reminded me that I need to change. I can't go on like this. She sent me an email about it and in it she said:

You just seem off to me. You're functional. You're cool. But you're not happy in the deepest sense and I guess my intuition is just sensing that..maybe that's all I can see and that perhaps is not the right thing. It's one thing to go through relationship ups and downs, but be relatively happy and have joy. I don't feel any joy emanating out from you. It would be in your eyes, it would be in your laugh and smile...and I just don't get that sense from you at all. I know you're alive and all, but I just feel this really dead spirit around you. You just don't seem like a happy person, and I'm puzzled by that.This is a critical time in your life...you'll either curse yourself in the future, or create a future for yourself and a life for yourself that you'll love.

Honestly, M...life is short. Even though you have stresses of life and school and there are so many overwhelming experiences...take the bitter lessons to heart and really learn from failures and difficulties. I look at my mother's experiences all the time..she kept too much inside. Of course, she has a million other amazing things she did...but try to find some happiness,the real stuff. You can't base it all on circumstances, because life's shit sometimes...so much we don't have control over and what else can we do? Yeah..you don't need to go blabbing every little thing about your life...But

Don't be so wise in your own eyes that you can't listen to other people. You need to just make sure that you're not isolating yourself emotionally and acting foolishly. You're allowed to be foolish...and stupid and crazy..sometimes--it's called being young. But if I've learned anything, a little wisdom goes a long way.

"A man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; he rages against all wise judgment." Proverbs 18:1.

It got me to think. A lot. I have been hella reclusive and not living wisely but revelling in foolishness and I think for the first time this year I am concerned enough about my well being that I am going to make some changes.

I am growing and I put way too much stock in the wrong people. I am ready to live again and not have this dead spirit around me because I know everyone can see it even when I think I am hiding it so well. It really is a dead spirit and I want it gone. I want my happiness back. I want to be who I was and who I almost lost.

Hmmn.

That is all.