Death twice....

His dad died.

I was there in an hour. Borrowed a car and drove out to him. He was hurt. Shaking. Guilt ridden. I felt helpless, what could i do. I packed his bag an was there. She was there too. It was awkward but what could I do? I felt for him so much my soul hurt. I stayed with him after she left. drove him to the airport. Got home and was in a daze. Told him I would be vegetarian with him while he mourned. Stayed up all night worried sick waiting for him to get home safe. It was emotional for him and my heart truly was broken for him. I felt him deep in my soul. Was there as much as I knew to be. Agreed to take care of things on this end for him.

An this morning.... my heart shattered again. I should be used to it by now.

Saying anymore is pointless now. His father died and ten today, I died again.

How Do you compete with a ghost

I am befuddled. Constantly. It's just not on.

She is not dead. Just like a ghost. I know only the little bits I have seen and heard about her and the bits my mind has constructed of her. I have absolutely nothing against her. I am sure she is a really nice girl and perfect and all albeit a bit of weight, but which one of us doesn't have that. And yet I really dislike her very much. I hate that but I truly do. Everything about her seems to show me up. And worse off than the rest, from the past.

She is constant. She is friends with the family. He has told his mum about her, despite the perceived reaction, he felt strongly enough about her to tell his mum. She cooks for him. Constantly. With oodles and oodles of love I am sure. He has cooked for her. She sends him email cards and signs them with love. She is great with children, a born mother. The right race. The right hair. Gorgeous hair. Despite the nasty things he says about her to throw me off the course, I know he loves her. She definitely loves him to the core of her being. I'm rather sure she would die for him at this point.

And yet I dislike her. You'd think I'd be happy for him. after all my whole premise is that I want the bet for him and what makes him happy. And she seems to fit the bill. There is plenty I may not know but she does. So what's the problem here. Why hang on for decades it seems for something empty and fruitless. Why should I go crazy and lose my self respect and my mind over something that could have been resolved ages ago by simply letting go, moving on and getting on with life?

This is ridiculous. I can't go on like this. I simply can't. I thought him physically leaving will do the trick but it will just leave me empty and unfulfilled and wasted. I don't fancy being wasted. And yet.... four years nearly. Wasted. Bloody hell. No wonder I'm barking mad these days.

So. The question is. How do I finally get a grip and get the balls to leave and cut it off on my term? Is it selfish and not humble to? Should I care whose terms it ends on as long as it ends? That is a question I battled with for ages. I tried to let go. A few months ago I was determined. On the absolute brink of madness and I wanted out. I went as far as telling my mum about it all. About never being quantified. Watching others who knew less and had spent less time be quantified. Telling mum was it because I could never go back and have anything real after that. She wouldn't allow it. WOuldn't be happy about it. Yet now I just avoid the topic all together when I ring mum. It's as if I am lying to my mum. And why should I lie at all? I haven't done anything wrong. I never asked for any of this. I never pursued and I always backed off or tried to. I never stepped on toes. I was never the guilty party. But he has made me feel the guilty party the entire time. As if I owed penance. I did not. I was never wrong. I was simply stupid. Surely that can't be a crime. And yet I get punished for it daily. Reminded of my inferior status in the lives of those who feel they are privileged enough to waste somebody's time and waste years that could have been spent finding some sort of happiness.

But who can you blame when you allow yourself to be wasted. It's really no one else's fault but your own I'm afraid. And you must make the decision to stop being wasted and allow yourself to be valued. Starting with you. So, what will it be? Shall I continue to be wasted until you are ready to go off and find value elsewhere? Or should I move along. No hard feelings. I just want to be quantified. Being wasted is really sucking my soul out.

Without God you are nothing

Had a quick chat with mum this morning and she said that to me. She said don't neglect your God. Pray and read your bible. I can not tell you the last time I did that. I have neglected my God. And for what exactly? Nothing it seems. Something fleeting and shallow. Someone who does not see my God as being as important as He is. I'm sorry. I really am. I feel trapped in my own immobility and inaction. Please forgive me and please help me. I am sinking. I haven't paid attention because lately things have seemed good. But I know better. That is just the surface. Sad isn't it?

He seems attentive now. Sweet. Caring. There.But something is still off. Maybe it is all the things I know that I suppressed and ignored. The hurtful things of the past. The fact that I have never been first.

And this is what I compromise my relationship with my God for? I have been stupid. I have failed to see that I have turned into nothing. It was a slippery slope. First church. Then the bible. Then praying. i let this insidious.... thing... creep into my heart and soul. Perhaps I am like the people of Sodom. Given over to my evil ways because of the sin poising my heart and soul. The way I have mistreated my soul. Seeking a happiness that never came and would have been fleeting anyway. I hate these revelations but the are necessary.

She is still there. And she was first. even though i was there first. I was there years. She is barely a year now. But to him, she cam before me. And though the signs point to things mellowing down between them, I am still not first. Will never be first. And I had accepted that. But that makes me a bit pathetic doesn't it? Despite all my flaws, do I deserve to have that happen? Maybe. I have done a lot of wrong. Neglected my god. What sin is bigger than that one?

So. I have to get back. I need to get back. I need to slow down. I just want to be numb to life and sink until it all goes black. But what good would that do? Sigh.

No man is an island...but this woman lives on one

So My friend who is leaving for good in October is selling her car. Finally a car I can afford. But not all at once. She wants half the money upfront. Looks like another thing not going to work out for me. I can not complain because I was given a major massive break recently. But then bills this month were astronomical. And I will not be getting a car... still.

It has been over 6 years I have not been able to get a car. For other people it is no problem at all. Everyone else gets a car and can get around and not have problem. And it seems everyone is in a relationship. Cousin is getting married. Attending another friend's wedding. Everyone is in a relationship, getting engaged, having babies, moving to new countries or back to loved ones.

And I feel like I am standing on the outskirts of life with a big soundproof glass in front of me, watching everyone else live life while I am trapped on an island of misery and loneliness. I have no friends left. I am truly by myself now, trapped on this island I would rather not live on but have no choice. Without and car, without friends and without love.

I am feeling a solitary blue today.

Thoughts on a Monday

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” -Neil Gaiman

Weekend Updates

Ok so I suppose I am a bit hasty and feisty when I post. I post my feelings in that moment. The later they simmer down and I am k and can look at things objectively again. I am strange that way. Lol.

So this weekend we had a pretty good time. He discovered a drive-in about an hour away and for $6 a piece we watched Dinner for Schmucks and Grown Ups. It was fantastic. I felt like we were in Grease. Lol. I mean the radio before the movies started were playing this 50s and 60s music the whole time. And it looked like we were in a small town back in that time, the happy time, not the tense racist kind. Lol. We were pleased to find out we weren't the only people of the...erm...darker persuasion there so that added a comfort factor. Lol. We got pizza, popcorn, corn dogs and soda. Total fat kid snacks. And it was hot but as the sun went down it got better. These two ass clowns next to us decided they would keep their car on the whole night until he got out and asked them to stop cuz we were breathing in fumes. We liked Grown Ups better but both were fun to watch. In between the movies he took me outside the car to show me constellations. He is big into astronomy and used to teach it. I just love stars and like it when he explains them to me.

We got home super late and had a good night. Saturday was fun. We went to this nice breakfast place and then shopping. I was bummed to find out I apparently have gone up a size in pants. No bueno. Breaking out the ab tapes and getting these hips under control. I am a 4 now. Not terrible, but its always a shock no matter what size you are, when you are no longer that size and you go up. I was getting down cuz everything was pricey and not fitting how I wanted it to. He totally took over and became my personal shopper and picked out things for me to try on. Then we went home and he cooked goat curry for me. We watched movies the rest of the night.

Anyway....long story short. This was a good weekend. Some issues arose with "Musikana Umwe" and the texting and the nickname for her though he says only me and ex-open-relationship-girlfriend were the only ones. I didn't think so and I was right. Musikana Umwe even invited him kumuchato. Muchato wacho iri before muchato wandirikuenda. And I have a sinking suspicion that musikana wach akabikirwa naye. Actually I know it as a fact since ndakazviverenga. It annoys me so much. I just wish he knew how it hurt me when i get half truths andinoziva the answers to. I wish he understood that the truth is far more important than the consequences. Sigh. I am trying to focus on the positive for now. Ameno, we'll see.

Enough

It takes more than just making me smile every once in a while.

Ok. Now it is just getting harder and harder to even talk to him. Aside from one thing, there is nothing here at all. I mean yeah he has been a good friend to me. Helped me a lot. But really, there is a season for all things on God's earth and this one is way over due I think. I have those good days you know? When something good happens and I get lost in some fantasy world where things are right and I see this thing through rose-coloured glasses.

And then days like today. Nothing major happened but I just saw again that this even as a friendship is not destined to last long at all. People say I always give up on things. Well. What is the point of holding on when there is nothing left. I hate having my time wasted. I am the type of girl that moves on. Quickly. I don't entertain things that I do not have the patience for andI have given too much time here already. I am ready to move on. I have been lingering because I am bored and tired but now I really need a change of scenery and some new things in my life.

He means well you know? He has a good heart. But one, it is not for me. And two, he doesn't mix with me. We have a few things in common but honestly, we don't get each other. I don't get the way he functions. Getting soooooooo angry about every little thing. Wanting to control everything. And he doesn't get me. Jumps to conclusions. Get angry at me when I feel down. What the hell is that. He says he just doesn't like seeing me down and wants to help. Newsflash though, getting irritated or mad when I have an off day? Not the way to show you care. Just makes me want to get as far away from you as I can. I don't need another parent.

Anyway I dunno. We already made a commitment to something and I have to stick it out through the next few weeks but after that I am shutting off. I need him to fade out of my life now. If I have to be alone. fine. Better my own company than the company of someone who I seem to only have friction with lately. I hope to God Almighty that this time it works. I hate the devil. Hate him sooo much. He has been keeping me from my purpose and I am sick of it. No more. Satan you have no power. God lives in me and he is far stronger than you are and so these stupid distractions are going to stop. It will hurt him but hell, life is full of hurts. Eventually we get over them. I have. I can't keep coddling someone's feelings when they are unable to see mine. I am not anyone's mother and I have my own life to worry about.

I will be focused. Even if it kills me.

He put a smile on my face

He made me smile.

Jokingly he asked if he should come and bring me the Skittles I was randomly craving. I jokingly said yes and here he was. Half an hour later. With a bag of Skittles. Put a smile on my face. Made me forget all the times we had our problems and reminded me once again that despite myself I cared for him. I ignored the pain of caring for him and focused on the joy of caring for him.

He put a smile on my face and I have yet to wipe it off. Last night was a good night. In his arms. Holding onto his strong body. Kissing his lips and laughing with him. Though I can not see him this weekend and my heart and body will miss him so, last night was a good night. And he put a smile on my face.

False Alarm

I got a bit ahead of myself. It is back to the usual I guess. Silly me for dreaming. I know better. =)

Dreaming with a lonely heart...

He said he loved me.

It was nothing, just an accident or a slip or a slightly tipsy and overexcited miscommunication of feelings. But that was the first time it ever happened. And he asked me to say it back to him. And I did. I was petrified. I can not allow my hopes to get that high. Not ever. Because I am still plagued with the uncertainty. More like I am plagued with the almost certainty that our future will be short. I have to keep thinking that way otherwise I will lose my heart to him. I have come close but to undeniably admit that would render me broken and susceptible to the worst kind of pain. Pain I promised myself I would never allow again. Why is the heart so cruel? As to want what it can not and should not have? Sigh.

I was looking at pictures of my cousin. He just got engaged to his high school love. 11 years later they are getting married and have a beautiful baby girl and are living a fantastic and indulgent life. Vacationing in the Dominican Republic, driving lovely cars and enjoying being in love with each other and their baby girl. I looked at those pictures and a part of me longed for that with him. It is stupid and dangerous of me to admit that but I did.

I am dreaming with perhaps a broken heart right now because things have been going so well. I am afraid that waking up is going to be painful. How did I wind up here again?

He said he loved me and though something inside of me fainted, I couldn't react. It was a mirage. And I can not give in otherwise I will admit to things. I still have not figured out our purpose for each other and why we entered each others' lives. But in that moment, for just a moment. I realized how I wanted so badly to hear those words. Even if it was a miscommunication of feelings. Even from the wrong person.

What Lies Beneath...

The truth is… the truth can hurt. A lie can soothe. A lie can hide and sometimes even save.

We all do it at some point don’t we? A little fib, an inconsequential lie, a lie to protect and shield, a lie to encourage, a lie to save. And we do tell ourselves that some lies are very necessary. If I hadn’t lied to her, she would have been very hurt. If I hadn’t lied to him, he would think I didn’t care about him. If I hadn’t lied our family would have been torn apart.

And let’s face it, sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes the truth destroys and damages and sometimes it just messes everything up that a lie could have patched up with ease, so long as the truth wasn’t around to ruin things.

And yet, every lie, no matter how noble, can be insidious by nature. Lies are eventually exposed and can cause far more damage than the truth ever would have. Too many questions were asked and you panicked or you got irritated and you lied. And it seemed easier to lie because the truth would have driven her away and you know that is not what either one of you needs. She needs you just as much as you need her and so you lie to keep her. You meant well in lying, you lied for the good of the situation.

But beloved, the road to a broken heart is paved with well intentioned lies. Those lies that were meant to protect… Or perhaps lies that you wanted to hide behind because facing the truth meant you had to accept you were wrong. She knew all along and yet you believed if you lied often enough that eventually doubt would set in and she would believe your lies one day. And you could keep her where you wanted her to be. Not in your heart as one does who cares about someone, but in your pocket. Convenient. Close enough. And besides, she understands. She always understood. That is why you always kept her.

Lies can be comforting, I don’t contest that. Lies can cover up a wound perhaps. But only the truth heals it even if it seems to destroy, in the eternity of everything it will heal. The truth holds a freedom a lie can never hope to have. And sometimes freedom means loss. Sometimes you have to look beyond yourself and see that your lies are destroying another. And though they put up with it, they know the truth very early on. And though some may take a while to accept it, they know it. A heart is attuned to these things in ways you may never understand. And the truth is women lie too. And men hurt too. And all because of lies that no matter how necessary or important they seem to be at the time, they are borne of destruction and will eventually live up to their nature.

The truth about lies is…… well….. lies deceive. Funny isn’t it? And they typically deceive the liar.

And the more you lie, the further away the one you are lying to becomes from you. Wouldn’t it be nobler to lose them in truth than keep them in lies? But believe me; you are going to lose them anyway. The lies will not hide forever. I guarantee that much to you.

So when he or she asks you for the truth, no matter how it may hurt, oblige them.

Strangely Bereft

Another birthday yesterday. It came and went with me sick in bed. But I was sick for a good cause. Ski weekend with some very sweet and fun friends. I tend to take them for granted but they have been so good to me and I actually enjoyed doing something for a change.

We went to Santa Fe for a ski weekend. Interesting trip. We got pulled over for speeding before we even left the state. Lol. The balloon museum in Albuquerque was not all it I expected it to be. Interesting, yes. But I got bored of it after a while. Lol. We took loads of pictures. The Asians, as I affectionately call them now, love taking pics and I think it's cool.

The trip was long but not too bad. When we got to the hotel, they had given us a one bed room. There were four girls and a guy present. Awkward. Lol. Luckily there was a pull out bed in the sofa which was a single, and then we bought an airbed. It worked out. The next night they got us the right two bed room. Lol.

The first day we went sightseeing in downtown Santa Fe. It was fun. Not amazing but still different. I got a bit o a New Orleans vibe from the city. I like the narrow streets and the boutiques and the uniform colour of the buildings, although quite hideous, added a little something to the place. We missed the plaza with all the Native American wares, but we got there late anyway. That first night we had dinner at the famous Tomasito's restaurant. It was really awful Mexican food shockingly enough. I was quite appalled at how awful it was, Lol. But it was an experience nonetheless.

That night I had quite an interesting conversation with Nix who I discovered is an atheist by her own admission, but is actually more agnostic than atheist. I was reading Christian fiction and it sparked up a conversation. Lol. I hope I didn't come off as an imbecile. I tried to be open and understanding and not sound like a moron about my own religious standing. Who knows? Lol.

Next day we headed to Sandia Peak to ski. Skiing is difficult it seems. I was ok except I could not for the life of me master how to stop, and I could not get back up when I made myself fall. I was in misery, Lol. And my gloves and pants were not waterproof so naturally I got sick that night. Ha!

That same night we went to eat at a place called Cowgirls. Ironically enough all the waiters were men and ours was a cute New Zealander. I called him a Kiwi and then his reaction was hard to read so I panicked. Turns out it was ok and he was cool. Cute cute guy though. Gotta love the Kiwi accent.

That night we had loads more room and I ended up having yet another conversation about faith with Nix and Quai. Hmmmn. I dunno how that happened but I did. We traded stories about our beliefs. Who knows.

The second day we went to Ski Santa Fe to snowboard and it was a blast. I like snowboarding waaaay better than skiing. I had a good time. Our instructor Giorgia seemed a tad impatient at times but he was good. Lol.

Though I was sick already, I refused to sit out. I was determined to have fun and I did. We left for home straight after. I was soaking wet and sick but it was well worth it, More pics.

Then we got back at 6am on my birthday and I spent the day sick in bed. Lol. And then the bereft feeling took ove and it is hard to shake. I dunno why I suffer these moods but I wish I could be rid of them forever. I do not like the downswings. But I feel.....lacking. Empty in a way. And insecure again about my looks. Oh bugger, here we go again.

Let's don't focus on the bad and focus on the fun and the good. But I had to mention how bereft I have been feeling for the last two days. Hmmmn.

Frustrated

Again. I really wish I could embrace happiness more. It's not as if I don't bloody try. Life just bloody gets in the way of things. I am ready to meet someone and not be this pathetic lump of wasted human flesh. I feel very empty. I am blessed cuz God is taking great care of me but I am afraid I don't feel I am taking care of me as well. And I am tired of this. It kinda blows. I was watching stomp the yard of all movies. Lol. But it has been a while since I connected with black people and seeing a "black" movie again reminded me that I need a guy and black guys use to be the only ones that looked at me twice. Now no one really does. HAHA. Ok. Passive aggressive is not cute either. I just feel trapped and stuck in the mud. I need to shake this off. I need to wean off this routine and start enjoying my life more. I am not sure who or what I need in my life but I am ready to be connected to the world again. I miss flirting and having a guy like me. I miss being told that I am prtty or cute, even if it is a lie. Lol. I just miss feeling like a girl and in my life there is no one that can give me that right now. I have friends. I am grateful for my friends but I am missing something. Love I think. I need romance in my life. That's really just it. I am lacking romance. Being loved. Being someone' girlfriend. Having someone call me baby who isn't just a random friend who calls me that by rote. A guy to tell me I look pretty today or those jeans are killin it. Lol. Someone who will introduce me as his girl and tell people we are together, we are dating and trying to see where it will go. I don't need marriage proposals and a five year plan. Right now I would just like someone to invest in me as a romantic interest. Someone to say "Hey girl, you are worth my time and attentiona and real affetion. I am into you. I do not want to play games or just get mine, I care about you more than most people and I want you by my side, not just as a riend but as my girl."

Seems simple enough. But for me it is very elusive. I just don't want this to lat forever. I don't want to be overlooked or forgotten. I want someone to invest in and be connected to.

Here's hoping.

Boob Envy

So. I have been chatting with my litle sis a lot lately. She is 17. I have not seen her in about two or three years because she is back home and I am stuck in America with no money to travel home.

Anyway I recently told her to change her FB picture and she did to her prom pic. She is growing up to be a pretty young thing. But she is slightly bigger than me and as a esult has bazongas that are as big as my head. Lol. She isn't overweight or chunky, I am just smaller. She is only 17 and I'm in my late 20s. And I feel a really disturbing sense of boob envy. I always have but now its my little sister. Ugh.

So I googled to see what is acceptable boob size. Im a B cup and have always had people say my boobs were invisible. People out on the World Wide Web are full of BS i think. They all say size doesn't matter, but it does. An article by ASKMEN.com the author said that single guys care about boob size more but once they fall in love with a girl that it doesn't seem to matter as much anymore. Hmmmn. Well, isn't the main attraction for guys breasts? So how do you get to the love stage when you have itty bitty titties and can not get to the date stage? Why wuold a guy pass up big casavas for little ones no matter how delightful Pippy SmallTit is?

Anyway it just got me thinking about what is a good size and why some of us are ondemned to having this torturous boob envy that drives some to the extremes of altering their appearance through surgery. It makes me mad but women and men alike praise and value a certain perfect body with perfect boobs and that always leaves someone out there feeling inadequate. I don't care how confident you are, boob envy has crossed your mind once or twice if you have itty bitties. And all the jokes (need some clearasil for your chest?) and name calling (mosquito bites)just proves that it is important and that women with smaller breasts are not as desireable. Tragic really. I guess I better buy a cat soon. Lol.