Had a quick chat with mum this morning and she said that to me. She said don't neglect your God. Pray and read your bible. I can not tell you the last time I did that. I have neglected my God. And for what exactly? Nothing it seems. Something fleeting and shallow. Someone who does not see my God as being as important as He is. I'm sorry. I really am. I feel trapped in my own immobility and inaction. Please forgive me and please help me. I am sinking. I haven't paid attention because lately things have seemed good. But I know better. That is just the surface. Sad isn't it?
He seems attentive now. Sweet. Caring. There.But something is still off. Maybe it is all the things I know that I suppressed and ignored. The hurtful things of the past. The fact that I have never been first.
And this is what I compromise my relationship with my God for? I have been stupid. I have failed to see that I have turned into nothing. It was a slippery slope. First church. Then the bible. Then praying. i let this insidious.... thing... creep into my heart and soul. Perhaps I am like the people of Sodom. Given over to my evil ways because of the sin poising my heart and soul. The way I have mistreated my soul. Seeking a happiness that never came and would have been fleeting anyway. I hate these revelations but the are necessary.
She is still there. And she was first. even though i was there first. I was there years. She is barely a year now. But to him, she cam before me. And though the signs point to things mellowing down between them, I am still not first. Will never be first. And I had accepted that. But that makes me a bit pathetic doesn't it? Despite all my flaws, do I deserve to have that happen? Maybe. I have done a lot of wrong. Neglected my god. What sin is bigger than that one?
So. I have to get back. I need to get back. I need to slow down. I just want to be numb to life and sink until it all goes black. But what good would that do? Sigh.
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