He put a smile on my face

He made me smile.

Jokingly he asked if he should come and bring me the Skittles I was randomly craving. I jokingly said yes and here he was. Half an hour later. With a bag of Skittles. Put a smile on my face. Made me forget all the times we had our problems and reminded me once again that despite myself I cared for him. I ignored the pain of caring for him and focused on the joy of caring for him.

He put a smile on my face and I have yet to wipe it off. Last night was a good night. In his arms. Holding onto his strong body. Kissing his lips and laughing with him. Though I can not see him this weekend and my heart and body will miss him so, last night was a good night. And he put a smile on my face.

Dreaming with a lonely heart...

He said he loved me.

It was nothing, just an accident or a slip or a slightly tipsy and overexcited miscommunication of feelings. But that was the first time it ever happened. And he asked me to say it back to him. And I did. I was petrified. I can not allow my hopes to get that high. Not ever. Because I am still plagued with the uncertainty. More like I am plagued with the almost certainty that our future will be short. I have to keep thinking that way otherwise I will lose my heart to him. I have come close but to undeniably admit that would render me broken and susceptible to the worst kind of pain. Pain I promised myself I would never allow again. Why is the heart so cruel? As to want what it can not and should not have? Sigh.

I was looking at pictures of my cousin. He just got engaged to his high school love. 11 years later they are getting married and have a beautiful baby girl and are living a fantastic and indulgent life. Vacationing in the Dominican Republic, driving lovely cars and enjoying being in love with each other and their baby girl. I looked at those pictures and a part of me longed for that with him. It is stupid and dangerous of me to admit that but I did.

I am dreaming with perhaps a broken heart right now because things have been going so well. I am afraid that waking up is going to be painful. How did I wind up here again?

He said he loved me and though something inside of me fainted, I couldn't react. It was a mirage. And I can not give in otherwise I will admit to things. I still have not figured out our purpose for each other and why we entered each others' lives. But in that moment, for just a moment. I realized how I wanted so badly to hear those words. Even if it was a miscommunication of feelings. Even from the wrong person.

Can You Keep A Secret?

I am a girl who is learning the truth about who she is.

I'm that girl who is awkward and slightly loud when she's happy.

I bounce my leg when I am nervous or bored.

Sometimes when I blink, my eye sounds like those old plastic dolls. Click, click. Complications of surgery and an artificial lens. Hmmn.

I burp out loud when alone and swallow my burps in public.

I am truly self conscious.

I put my foot in my mouth a lot of the time because of how awkward I am.

I say the wrong things and wish to God I can take them back only to realize that I am far too scared to take them back and so I wallow.

I think far too much and usually get down when I find myself in the deepest, darkest recesses of my own mind.

I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up, even though I am already grown up.

I have never had a boyfriend but have dreamt of one since I can remember.

I am not open with my feelings because I am terrified of what you'll think of me.

I have done bad, bad things though on first impression I seem like the good girl.

I slept with someone else's boyfriend and can not forgive myself.

I procrastinate on everything and thus am stressed out all the time.

I don't know how to connect with my family all the time.

Sometimes I worry I will never be able to discern the voice of God and I will completely miss it.

I love Michael and Janet Jackson and spend hours in my room dancing and singing, wishing I were a pop star.

I secretly think I can sing even though it is rather doubtful.

I am overwhelmed by my mistakes and the depression is unimaginable sometimes.

I have happy moment when I am on top of the world.

I have never kept a close friendship for more than five years and am terrified of losing my friend.

I miss my family but when I am home I am very quiet.

I lose faith in myself and in my future a lot.

I sometimes wear socks that have not been washed in ages. Most of them have massive holes because I have razor-sharp talons sometimes when I don't snip my toenails.

My eyes are bad.

My heart is aching and has been for too long and I am desperate for it to stop.

I listen to all music....even Country.

I love Christmastime.

I love the city lights.

I get lonely in the most profound way.

I want to stop believing in love but the truth is I am terrified of never finding it.And of ever finding it.

I am scared about the rest of my life because from here on, it's just me.

I learned that I am not the girl I thought I was and right now I am not ok with it.

I still like him.

My chest burns when I cry.

I sleep alone.

I cry alone.

I crave attention but then am embarrassed when I get it.

I am just another girl who feels like she is invisible.

I feel like a hypocrite and a melodramatic.

I wish I was wise.

I wish I were humble.

I wish I were together and a good friend.

I have not yet proved myself to be a good person even though I know deep down I have the potential to be.

My loneliness threatens me everyday. And it frightens me.

I wish I had a happier life even though I see the value of suffering.

I am scared.

I have no idea who I really am.