He said he loved me.
It was nothing, just an accident or a slip or a slightly tipsy and overexcited miscommunication of feelings. But that was the first time it ever happened. And he asked me to say it back to him. And I did. I was petrified. I can not allow my hopes to get that high. Not ever. Because I am still plagued with the uncertainty. More like I am plagued with the almost certainty that our future will be short. I have to keep thinking that way otherwise I will lose my heart to him. I have come close but to undeniably admit that would render me broken and susceptible to the worst kind of pain. Pain I promised myself I would never allow again. Why is the heart so cruel? As to want what it can not and should not have? Sigh.
I was looking at pictures of my cousin. He just got engaged to his high school love. 11 years later they are getting married and have a beautiful baby girl and are living a fantastic and indulgent life. Vacationing in the Dominican Republic, driving lovely cars and enjoying being in love with each other and their baby girl. I looked at those pictures and a part of me longed for that with him. It is stupid and dangerous of me to admit that but I did.
I am dreaming with perhaps a broken heart right now because things have been going so well. I am afraid that waking up is going to be painful. How did I wind up here again?
He said he loved me and though something inside of me fainted, I couldn't react. It was a mirage. And I can not give in otherwise I will admit to things. I still have not figured out our purpose for each other and why we entered each others' lives. But in that moment, for just a moment. I realized how I wanted so badly to hear those words. Even if it was a miscommunication of feelings. Even from the wrong person.
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