So. Long Time.

To be honest I just haven't felt like writing much. Well, sometimes i do but then i get lazy and don't And I was just hit with that feeling now. But the best thing that has happened to me all year happened last night. I went to see Janet Jackson. My celebrity. I LOVE HER AND I WOULD DO ANYTHING TO MEET HER AND I STILL THINK SHE IS THE BEST PERFORMER EVER. I just had to get that off my chest. I was awestruck to be in the same room with her and our seats were good and I loved the whole thing. I went with FB which was probably not the best thing because the few down bits I had that night were because of him. He didn't do anything, he just was being himself and my old ghosts would not stay dead. Ok. Let don't ruin this post with all that. Ms. Jackson was sexy and inspiraional and the best thing I have experienced all year. I LOVE YOU JANET!

Updates

My my my. I have been rather the naughty girl haven't I? I have stayed off this blog for ages. Oh dear, not too good. But a quite a bit has happened since I last blogged. Quick updates:

1. My uncle died. My aunt, his wife, dies three years ago now and it affected me very deeply. With him it wasn't as intense since I was much closer to her. There was loads of drama though. His Nigerian girlfriend and her kid and her not wanting to move out of his apartment....drama. Too much to recap really.

2. I got a job. Mind you I am a temp but it is a professional job and I don't have to be at that horrible place anymore. Lol. Ok, it wasn't horrible but it was tragic being there ages after graduation. I'm in the Ecommerce dept of a major Beauty Supply chain. I work at the HQ and my boss is nice. Met a girl in web design who graduated at the exact same ceremony as I did. Wild ey? I take the bus to work and make a bit more dosh than I was.

3. As a result of update number two I have moved an hour away. Well, not quite. I still have my apartment but I am staying with some people until I figure things out. It's a bit of a mess really but I am doing ok.


4. .....Well I suppose thats it really. A lot has stayed the same to my dismay.

1. I still don't have a car.

2. I am in the same apartment.

3. Still not over FB in the least, therefore am still single and slightly miserable. Though I don't have to see him often at all anymore but that just does nothing to speed up my getting over him.

That blows. I am restless still with life though things have changed for the better. I need to count my blessings though. I have been blessed beyond measure.

And I have become very very lazy when it comes to writing, hence my neglect of this blog. I guess I got tired of depressing posts and so I stopped. Hmmn.

Well thats it.

And life goes on.

Champions

MANCHESTER UNITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We won.I am so happy I could cry. We beat Chelsea's arse. I love it. Manchester is EPL champion. We rule the world of great football and our victory is oh so sweet.

Just wanted to say that bit. Cheers.

Sex and the City isn't always a good thing

I adore the series. Adore it. I am nuts about the upcoming movie, as disgustingly predictable and girly as that is, I have to admit, I feel all tingly all over when the trailer pops up and those gorgeous pink lights flash. So I'm a girl. Shoot me.

Funny enough I am watching a rerun at the moment. I have seen it before but it never gets old. Its almost painful how much I can relate to this show sometimes.

But thats just it As fun and real as this show seems, it's fiction. Or at least it isn't my personal reality. I identify a lot with it. I see a lot of Big traits in FB and sometimes catch myself drifting away in fantasyland. I do that way too often. I mean, I know the reality but when I don't like it very much, I fill in with my crazy little daydreams. It's completely insane you know. Insane.

So FB was over at my place all of Sunday practically I mean. I saw his car parked as I was walking home from church. So naturally I overreacted like some crazed girlfriend. I am neither girlfriend nor crazy so that was an interesting moment for me. I called one of my girlfriends (truth be told I called half my bloody phone book and she was the only one who picked up on time) and told her I was sure if I asked him what he was up to he would say he was at home or something. I looked into the car (crazy) to make sure it was his It was. Then I texted him and asked what he was doing. He said he was at work. Where his car was parked. I felt a little dumb and a bit shocked at my own crazed behavior.

So he said come visit me. So I dropped by where he was working. As per usual I stayed far too long.

Ok, a bit of background for this next bit. He and I are always joking that we should cook for each other I know, gay. But he actually lived up to it and cooked for me Twice. And gave me the food in Tupperware. In both our cultures it is very very rude to return empty containers. So it was my turn to reciprocate. Bollocks.

So Sunday I had promised to cook for him. And so after work that afternoon he came over. He had a dvd he had rented. Gory flick I was not at all inclined to watch. So he watched it in my room while I was in the kitchen cooking. Then while I was simmering the stew I mad, I got distracted talking to him and kind of burnt it Tragic really.

But we ended up on my futon watching youtube videos of Michael Jackson, one of our shared hobbies, and downloading music. At some point I was half laying on him and he was stroking my stomach. Bad I know. But nothing happened.

He left finally at around 10:30. I have to admit I was a little upset, much to my dismay.

So I am going in and out with these crazy hallucinations. He can be so insensitive and make me so mad sometimes. Like Big. The real TV Big I mean. And we have these ridiculous fights all the time that only make me snap back to reality and see the foolishness in my fantasies about him.

Ok. Stop. This is beyond obsession and crazy now.

I wish I looked like Sanaa Lathan. Lol. Random I am watching Out of Time now. She is gorgeous. WOuld life be any better if I looked like her? I know. Shallow.

Anyway I have much more important things to blog about but I have gotten into the habit of not thinking about those things and just switching off so I suppose I will do the same in this blog. I have shut down people. I have shut down inside and am just coasting. It's rather....I dunno.

Working at Starbucks is so not as glamorous as I would have hoped I am a bit disillusioned. Hmmn. If one more person asks me for a Skinny tall, nonfat vanilla latte with hazelnut syrup and light whip, no drizzle, I might just drown them in mocha sauce. For reals.

Somehow I got really distracted from what I wanted to blog about. Hmmn.

Funny Story...

Ok.

So on my way into work this morning (working at Starbucks for a couple of days cuz they were short) I said a little prayer.

"Dear God,

I have nothing at all against (insert new-girl's name here) and I pray that you bless her (please make this request genuine, you know my heart). But I pray that I do not see her today. I know that may be wrong but I honestly do not want to be sad or upset anymore so if you wouldn't mind please don't let me see her or him with her and them together. Please let me get through the day and have a blessed day so I might be a blessing to others. I am sorry for my selfishness, please forgive me, but please Lord. Please.

Amen."

So I'm at work yeah?

So he comes in (FB) and is looking all disheveled, shirt un-tucked and very casually dressed. I mean this is nine thirty in the morning when he is meant to come in and usually he is impeccably put together but he looked as if he had just rolled out of bed.

Hmmn.

I won't lie, I wondered whose bed when I saw him but had to force myself to let it go.

He only popped in for a bit. I mentioned his appearance and he seemed a bit surprised, perhaps that he hadn't bothered to fix himself up.

Hmmn.

So he dashes off to fix himself up and I don't see him for ages.

Here's the really side-splitting part.

A bit later guess who strolls in?

No, not FB. But New-Girl. I have to think up a more creative name but that is it for now.

Hmmn.

New-Girl looks....like herself I suppose. And I am cashiering of course. Of course, it would be too easy if I wasn't.

So I have to talk with her, take her drink order and and all that. I looked at her smiled, asked her name (for the cup, even though I know very well what her name is) and then laugh and joke with Little Boss (who I am working with this week) to stop myself from shaking so much.

I was shaking. Why you ask? I have no blooming idea. I don't know why my heart was beating a tad faster or why I was slightly shaking as I marked the cup and took her money. I have served her before but this was somehow different.

And.....AFTER I had specifically prayed on my way to work NOT to see her.

Hmmn. Funny stuff.

Ok, so sarcasm is not my best quality. Forgive me. I have nothing against the girl, thats what really sucks. I can see her being a nice person and all that but I am very sad when I see her because she replaced me in a way and I don't know how I feel about that exactly. This blows. And the fact that he shows up a little late looking like he used to look when he had spent a night at my place.

I think too much. I wish my brain was a person so I could choke it sometimes. Lol. I do though.

And even funnier? Even if she didn't exist, I would be in the same predicament. Because she is not the problem. I am. But enough about that lot, I don't need to go down THAT road again. Lol. I just thought it was funny.

Upon further investigation, I WAS praying aloud as I walked (I must have looked a right nutter to the people in the cars watching me cross the street). So I believe the devil was eavesdropping on my convo with God and decided to be....well....devilish. Lol. Bastard.

In any event, it's not the end of the world. Life goes on and such. I just thought you might want to have a laugh.

Har har.

Sanity Quiz I took. Oh dear. Lol.

Your Sanity Score

81

Based upon your answers, you appear to be experiencing some distress at the moment in your life, dealing with things that you may sometimes find overwhelming. People with similar scores tend to be coping relatively well with daily life, but sometimes feel overwhelmed by certain moods, feelings, or situation. Your mental health is fairly good and you're on an even keel. Some people with similar scores find mental health treatment from a psychologist, psychiatrist, or psychotherapist targeted to a specific disorder, issue or problem helpful to their overall feelings and coping skills. Others feel they are doing just fine the way they are.

(The Sanity Score is based upon a scientific algorithm with scores ranging from 0 - 288.)

Your specific subscores are below (subscales range from 0 - 100). Under the graph of subscores, you will find additional information regarding the meaning of any significant scores or areas that may be of concern.

General Coping	50
Life Events	28
Depression	38
Anxiety	29
Phobias	33
Self-Esteem	92
Eating Disorders	10
Schizophrenia	0
Dissociation	17
Mania	35
Sexual Issues	0
Relationship Issues	6
Alcohol	0
Drugs	0
Physical Issues	0
Smoking Issues	0
Gambling Issues	0
Technology Issues	31
Obsessions/Compulsions	69
Posttraumatic Stress	50
Borderline Traits	42

Your BMI: 18.2 Your body mass index (BMI) is a measure of body fat based on height and weight that applies to both adult men and women. BMI correlates with body fat. The relation between fatness and BMI differs with age and gender. For example, women are more likely to have a higher percent of body fat than men for the same BMI. On average, older people may have more body fat than younger adults with the same BMI.

Your BMI: You may be: Below 18.5 Underweight 18.5 - 24.9 Normal 25.0 - 29.9 Overweight 30.0 and Above Obese

General Coping: People with similar scores as yours tend to feel a little overwhelmed by life at times. You appear to express some unhappiness with the way your life is going right now.

Life Events: You're experiencing events in your life that may be negatively affecting your overall mental health and your ability to cope with other things in your life. This may also affect your mood.

Depression: People with scores similar to yours are often experiencing some depressive symptoms. While these are often common amongst the general population, they can also border on the possibility of a depressive episode. It is unclear as to whether you suffer these problems severely enough to need to seek further diagnosis and treatment of them. You should not take your responses to this self-report questionnaire as a diagnosis or recommendation for treatment of any sort. Consult with a trained mental health professional if you are experiencing depressive feelings and/or difficulties in your daily functioning that you are worried about.

Take Action for Depression:

• Learn About Depression
• Take a Depression Quiz
• Read About Treatment Options
• Join our Support Group
• Find a Therapist

Anxiety: People with scores similar to yours are typically experiencing some degree of anxiety, which may or may not be a concern serious enough to seek out professional help. Remember that a little anxiety in normal, everyday life is to be expected and is a good thing. Nobody should be without any anxiety whatsoever, as anxiety is our body's way of telling us that we should pay closer attention to a situation, event or person in our lives (even if that person is ourselves). Scores in this range suggests a person may be experiencing elevated levels of anxiety that may be causing some distress in an individual.

The most common anxiety disorders diagnosed are either panic disorder or generalized anxiety disorder.

Take Action for Anxiety:

• Learn About Anxiety Concerns
• Take an Anxiety Quiz
• Join our Support Group
• Find a Therapist

Phobias: People with scores similar to yours express some irrational fears of certain specific object or situations, such as being afraid of heights, snakes, or enclosed spaces. Generally, however, most people with this level of fear simply avoid the specific objects or situations in their lives and are not bothered enough by the fears to have it interrupt their everyday lives.

Self-Esteem: People with scores similar to yours express some major concerns with their self-esteem. Self-esteem is most often the product of our upbringing and personalities. It is something that a self-help book or psychotherapist can help a person learn to readily improve in even just a few sessions.

Mania & Bipolar Disorder:

Technology Issues: People with scores similar to yours sometimes complain about having difficulty controlling their time or use of the Internet and other technologies. They may check email obsessively, or IM friends all the time. Generally, most people do not consider this a problem or issue unless it is seriously affecting your relationships with your friends, your family members, or your significant other.

Obsessions & Compulsions: People with scores similar to yours often have an obsessive-compulsive disorder. You can view symptoms and treatment options for this disorder. This is not a diagnosis, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek a professional diagnosis from a trained mental health professional in your community at your earliest convenience.

Take Action for Obsessions/Compulsions:

• Learn About Obsessions and Compulsions
• Take an OCD Quiz
• Treatments for OCD
• Find a Therapist

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): People with scores similar to yours sometimes have a trait or two associated with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a disorder characterized by reliving a suffered trauma through flashbacks, nightmares or other recollections of the event. People who experience only mild PTSD symptoms often do not seek out further professional treatment or assistance for the occasional flashback or nightmare.

Borderline Traits: People with scores similar to yours sometimes have a trait or two that is commonly associated with borderline personality disorder. Generally people with such traits do not seek out or need additional mental health treatment, but it is good knowledge to have.

Recommendations

You have 2 serious concern(s) that we've identified. Generally such concerns should be checked out with a mental health professional as soon as you can. You can find a mental health professional within your local community through your insurance provider or through an online therapist directory. Get help immediately if these concerns are overwhelming or you feel your health or safety is at risk.

You have 9 milder concern(s) that we've identified. Such concerns may be a part of an ordinary person's usual up's and down's in life. However, if any of these issues cause you worry or concern, please consult with your physician or a mental health professional for further information.

Please remember, this is not a diagnosis or diagnostic test. It is only a general screening to give you a broad understanding of the mental health concerns you may be facing right now in your life.

Going bonkers. Again.

I can't (won't) shake him. I just can't (won't).

I mean, I have to see him at work EVERY BLINKING DAY (excuse) and he texts me all the time (slight embellishment) and I still kinda like him (gross understatement) despite (because of) myself.

I am completely scribbled here kids. I am really scribbled.

HE DOES NOT WANT YOU. AT ALL.

That is what I know (really hope not to be) to be true and try (lie) to tell myself everyday. There is no doubt in my mind(lie) that it is true.

Ugh. I was really expecting to have moved on and been having a fabulous time getting over him and blogging about my fun, exciting new life with some fantastic new bloke or something.

Where in hell are all the fantastic blokes and why are they avoiding me like the black death?

Perhaps it is because you're acting like a complete nutter. I mean, I am answering my own questions for God's sake.

I have been trying this 'friend' thing with him(which means I am there when he needs me to be expecting nothing. What the hell am I? A Stepford bloody reject?). He avoids being alone with me anymore(coming to my place or taking me to his). Understandably(confusingly). We do not hang out anymore(much) and he is fine. But I am not.

It's not so much him anymore (lies) I don't think. It's me not having a life. My life, to be perfectly honest with you kids, blows. It blows it bigtime. I have no life. I have no fun. I sit at home watching the telly or doing my bloody laundry. I have nothing to do (except take up the invites I get from my cuzin to go clubbing with him and his gross buddies) and hang out with my cousins. I am sad aren't I.

I am unemployed. After five months I have no job (no real job, just part time) and that is complete bollucks and I need to have a fire lit under my ass. I am stagnant. And I hate writing about it because it just makes it that much more pathetic.

I'm not even receptive to sympathy anymore. I do not respond to judging or scolding or guilt tripping. I am just....well, thats just it. I'm just. Just here. Just floating through life like a ghost.

Ok. Enough of this feeling sorry for myself bizness. It could be a LOT worse off for me. It really could. I have been blessed more than my lazy bum deserves. I have a flat and a job to pay for said flat. I am not dependent on anyone. I have my health (aside from this dodgy front tooth that has me a bit worried). Life could be a lot more tragic to be honest.

Being in school was like a comfort blanket I think. I was still a kid by all accounts. And though I am still whining like a kid, I can not afford to live like one anymore. Complaining is rather useless. And I have had about enough of being useless. It's not the end of the world. I'm just in a rough spot. But I will bounce back. Life will be exciting again. You'll see. I will be fabulous again.

Once I get my hair done, it is sooooo dodgy I'm even afraid of it now.

Oh dear, lol. I do sound like a nutter.

Gotta run, laundry is done and another movie is about start on the telly.

Oh. My. God.

Not to put too fine a point on it....

I have been avoiding this blog if I must be honest. I have nothing new to contribute and I am not interested in documenting my heartbreaks over and over again. I am shying away from blogging because I don't want to keep talking about him. So yeah. I suppose when I feel motivated again I will return.

I had an interview this weekend though, I have to note. In Victoria Texas. Yeah, I had never heard of the place either and I was worried. And I got there and....I dunno. I am in a quandary it seems. I know I NEED job like yesterday and I can not afford to be choosy but I really don't think my life will move forward in Victoria Texas.

Then again my life is not really moving forward regardless but I am dying for a new start in a city with some soul and pulse to it. And Victoria just ain't it I don't think. But I am getting way ahead of myself here. They haven't even offered me the job yet. So I suppose we will have to wait and see. I am.....

Ok, not doing this. I guess thats it for this post.

Laters..

Quickey

I am doing a bit better now. I haven't cried, so yay for me. Lol.

I have decided that Keyshia Cole is my new favourite artist for the moment. A lot of her music is helping me through this as cliche and utterly gross as that sounds. Lol. But I think the girl is feeling me right now. I am rather impressionable but hey, what can you do?

Anyway I am on a short break from work so gotta run, but will be back.

I wish it would rain.

I woke up this morning and out of nowhere I lost it. All the work I have put into forgetting and moving on. All my promises to myself that I would not spend more time on this, just gone. Out of the window.

My heart reminded me how much it hurt. And I woke up and cried. I am falling apart. I'm trying to keep it together.

I don't mind the tears because they ease the pain sometimes. I am trying to forget. But I am ashamed of my life. It is empty. He has moved on. And I am stuck in the mud.

So I cried this morning despite myself.

Do other people make such a big deal about this? This does not feel normal. I know I am not crazy. But right now I feel like I'm going.

Holy Spirit....help.

Birthday Wishes

So I got my wish. My birthday passed like any other day. I half wanted it that way but if I have to be honest I kinda hoped someone would see my cry for help and make a big deal about it. But they didn't. Well, thats not entirely true. My girl L forced me to spend the night with her and her fam like I do sometimes and they got me a cheesecake (the only cake I will eat, I was touched) and they got me gifts. I was truly touched.

I am a bit silly sometimes though. I mean I will make a big deal about how I do not want it to be a big deal but then in the back of my head I kept thinking "Surely they are going to throw me a surprise party. I just know it!" How stupid. I dunno where that even came from you know? Lol. How ridiculous of me. But they didn't and my birthday was generally forgotten. Except for L. I love that girl. I should appreciate her more than I do.

My best friend from Zim did call me though which was nice. She is a sweety. Troubled at the mo but a sweety nonetheless. Mum and dad didn't ring. I don't think they have figured out that they can call me direct for a few minutes and not break the bank. Hmmn.

So FB texted me. It used to be, he would have taken me out (he knew I wasn't doing anything special) or gotten me something. Afterall he got me a Valentines supposedly. Not as a lovey dovey gift, but just cuz. Hmmn. But he texted me and that was it. Despite myself I was a little put out by that. Ah well, what can a girl do?

So I had an interview Wednesday in the afternoon. I woke up and I was fairly alright. Then I happened to log into Facebook. I noticed FB took his picture down. Hmmn. So I went to his page. Hmmn. And I saw that he was now all of a sudden listed as "In a relationship."Hmmn. Two or so weeks after his "friend" changed hers to "In a relationship." Hmmn.

I was shocked at my reaction to be honest. I have been steadily working on the whole getting over him thing. I was getting to a point where I was almost ok. We have not hung out and I have stopped punishing myself by asking him what he is up to at night. I just don't want to know anymore, it hurts less if I don't know or if I don't suspect he is lying to me. But as soon as I saw the relationship status my heart thudded in my chest and my breathing became hard. Honestly, this is just plain ridiculous now.

So I called Crazy Girl and told her. She was preoccupied with her new man so she said she would ring me back. Then FB calls. Hmmn. He never calls me. Anyway he called and I picked up. He wanted to tell me about a dream he had that I was in. Apparently I was with him and then I began to turn into a werewolf. He has had reoccurring werewolf dreams and he tells me about them but I have never been in them. Anyway he said I sounded weird and asked me what was wrong. I had been crying a little but shrugged it off and told him I was fine and moved on.

I asked him about his Facebook changes. He said because there were two girls who were pressuring him about making their relationships serious. And he wanted to send them the message that he was not looking for anything serious. I said ok and pretended I believed his story. I do not. But what else is new?

Anyway, too much talk of him right now. I went for my interview and the job seems like the most boring thing ever and kinda hard. But I am desperate. I was sent home with a test. A TEST!! Lol. I felt like high school. And when I opened the stupid thing, I was so lost, I had no clue. Oh dear. I have sent it in. Lets hope they don't open it, look at it and go "Malaika, get out of here! You, are ridiculous."

I have really taken a liking to Keyshia Cole. I always liked her music but I have been listening to her more now and she really sings a lot about what I am going through and what I need to do with FB. My new fav jam from her is "I remember." I will still always jam to "Should Let You Go" when I need motivation about getting over FB.

Bottom line here kids. This is the first time my heart has been broken. I have never had it broken before. B was just disillusionment. And initially with FB it was my shock at my bad decisions and my rushing into things when there was no solid foundation. I am trying to be happy. I am moving on and teaching my heart not to care. About him. And I am hoping against the odds I will find a man that loves me. I don't know where the sense of urgency comes from. I really don't. I guess I am sad and lonely right now. And I have never been loved and I feel like I am being left out. I always felt like this.

Why is a relationship a sense of validation for me? Could it be because I have nothing really going for me right now? Or is it just to get rid of the hurt? I don't know. I just want to be loved. And I feel guilty for that. Who says I am in a position to receive that. I really don't know.

And can someone really be not looking for anything serious? Or is that something people say when they do not have someone they can see themselves with. Am I too hard on FB? I do not blame him for my unhappiness but at the same time it drives me crazy when I think he is lying to me to protect me.

As you can see, I am having a hard time here. I can't stop thinking this over in my head, trying to see where I went wrong kids. I'm sorry for this. I am so sorry for who this is turning me into. I wish I could change it. I really, honestly do.

Skinny Marinky

So tragedy.

I have been losing weight. And for me, Miss Bag-O-Bones, that is never a good thing. It's funny. I know why I am losing weight. I don't eat as often. I am just not hungry usually. And it sucks because I know I must eat and I force myself to but a lot of the times I get full so quickly and then I won't eat again until I am hungry. Meanwhile I am still skinny and people feel the need to point that out to me as if I suddenly became blind and legally retarded. Honestly people. Leave me alone. Don't state the obvious especially if it is going to piss me off. I do not like being too skinny so shut the heck up about it already. Sheesh!

Ok, that was my rant. Sorry, but I felt strongly about it all of a sudden.

So it is that time of year again. My birthday is Sunday. Bleh. Thats how I feel about it. I will be 20-something-else and I am really not particularly excited about it. I don't care about getting old, I just am realizing another year has gone by and I am in this place. But I have been trying to think positively so, happy thoughts, happy thoughts right? Right.

My hair. Ugh. My hair. Lord, why did you curse me with rogue hair? Well, okay I admit if I took better care of it and drank gallons of water everyday then I might be in a better place. But honestly, even when I try hard and take silly vitamins and drink water (or attempt to) and don't flat iron it daily and do moisturize it often and use the right brush and all that, it still misbehaves.

What gives?

It is hard and expensive. My new hairdresser says give her eight months with treatments every two weeks and relaxer every six weeks and it will be healthy. Eight months? And who can afford to be going to the hairdresser all the time? I can barely afford to take care of me as is, let alone pumping money into my hair. But I know its the only way to get my hair to behave. Bugger. Bugger, bugger, bugger. Stupid hair.

I just realized I have nothing really to blog about. I just wanted a neutral, non-depressing post to offset the way I have been writing of late.

I went through some of my old posts. I was never really profound or anything but I used to ponder and post about some of everything whenever the mood hit. Lately it has been my crisis with FB and my many failed attempts at redemption from that.

Like I said, i really have nothing to blog about today. Just felt random I suppose.

Maybe next time I will be more inspired.

Meh.

Fighting not to lose Me

I read something today on God's plan for the friendships in our lives. I won't go into much detail mainly because I can't remember the exact wording and because I have become slightly lazy these days. I must work on that. Honestly.

Anyway. It said something about how God prunes people out of your life early on in you complete surrendered walk with Him. And how if you go against God's pruning, how it will stunt you and set you back. It also said God provides the good godly friends for you to grow with because His ultimate plan is for us is the renewing of our minds and our transformation into the Christian He intended us to be. Hmmn.

So yet another painful incident with FB last night. I have no idea why I can't just hit my limit of pain with him already. I thought I had breached my pain threshold but it just keeps coming.

Anyway I saw that God is probably upset with me for not letting Him prune FB from my life early on. Because what has happened now is that God has pulled away from me because of the company I have been forcing on myself. He did provide me with L. She is a blessing but the fact that I have not let go of FB has been the proverbial thorn in my side for a year.

I am so sick of talking about this I could vomit.

So there was a career fair last week. I dropped off my resume with a bunch of different companies. It was last Wednesday. I have not heard anything yet but I am hopeful. Something has got to give. It simply must.

I want a new beginning, you know? I used to be such a good writer. And in a year I have let my life fall to pieces along with my heart. I have neglected writing and I have neglected God. I have missed out on living my life because I have been hung up.

Now my entries are all laments. My thoughts are suspicious and sad. My self esteem has suffered and my writing sucks so bad I don't even bother anymore.

I need this to stop. I need to find joy again. The joy of the Lord is my refuge. That statement needs to mean something again.

I need to fight not to lose me. No one else will. So I simply must.

I see people all the time going about their lives and just living. Seemingly carefree. I realize we all have problems and we may not walk around all day everyday looking like it but I want to be a single entity again. Reliant on no one and living my own life in peace. I want peace. Just want some peace.

I would love to get a great job I like and work on my visa to stay in the U.S. and plan out my life. I would love to make lovely Godly friends to be around who can encourage me and not worry about my singleness. Not have expectations but be content.

It will happen. I will. I just need a little bit of patience and a little bit of peace right now.

And then I will be fine again.

Useless

That is kinda the feeling floating around me right now. Useless. I have been graduated for two months and still have no gainful employment and my attempts at looking are waning. My part-time job is a blessing but it does not pay much plus I have to deal with seeing HIM everyday.

Speaking of which.

So, I already knew about his new "friend" yeah? He is very vague about her which is cool, it's his prerogative. But I think the reason he is so vague with me about her is that he is developing feelings for her or she is becoming another me and he wants me to carry on thinking its just a friendship and that I was important to him on some level. I was a replacement and she is the next one I suppose. Unless this is the one.

Fine. I can live with that. Well, I am dealing.

So Monday was fine. I was at work and we were jovial. He had been vague the whole weekend. I didn't really believe him when he said he was home alone doing nothing by himself because usually he comes over. Or maybe he was alone but he just does not want to hang with me anymore because he has something new to play with. I dunno, perhaps she isn't a toy but a real potential.

So Monday was okay but he was still shady and disappearing a lot. I know when he disappears he is with her. Cool. Was gonna invite him to dinner Monday night but he was vague. Fine. He texts me later that evening (I assume when there was a lull in conversation or when he was alone finally) but I didn't respond. But Tuesday now. I text him that morning saying I had migraine and was doped up on meds. A white lie, I felt hurt that I was being replaced a lot more now. Was okay but I work at noon so before then I was on campus and just happened to see him walking her to class or wherever. He has never walked me anywhere or looked as happy as he did. He seemed really happy as did she and they were chummy. Cool. Was saddened but decided to not stress. I went to work and was cordial but limited conversation. Left without saying goodbye. Was cordial but non-engaging during texting that evening when he asked how my head was. He got the hint.

Today he blatantly ignored me. I was meant to be off but someone needed a cover so I went in for two hours. I saw him but didn't really say much though I smiled. He asked me to do something and I nodded and said okay. Thats all the conversation we had all day. I didn't think it would bother him that much because he has a new friend to confide in and she can kiss his sorrows away afterall. Do I sound angry? Lol. I really don't mean to.

Anyway I have not spoken to him though I passed him in the hall on my way off work and smiled at him. He looked at me with a dangerously disgusted expression.

It is killing me but I have to cut this off once and for all. I can not do this anymore and he is getting serious with his new friend and shunning me and just coming to me when it is convenient. I do not want to put myself in a position of jealousy or desperation anymore and I want out. I think if I distance myself and get out of here with the quickness, that it will be okay. As long as I have to see it everyday, I will keep getting hurt and wanting him to talk to me again. But that is unhealthy and a little mad to be honest.

I do not want to be mad. My girlfriends tell me to do exactly what I am doing. So I have to grit my teeth this time because I haven't even gotten an angry text. He's done. I hope this doesn't affect me as badly. I just want to be okay again.

I feel I have wasted a year of my life here. I do not blame him entirely though I do think he did contribute to my madness.

But no more. The madness of Malaika has reached its sell-by date. There have been some false alarms before where I thought that was the case but I still kept at it because I was determined to make this work. I am determined now to come out of this alive and unscarred. He is hurting me and I am allowing it. What sort of madness is this really?

I'm sure she is the sweetest girl and she is very pretty and what have you. I know if I see that he is suddenly in a relationship on Facebook. I will be hurt. I will be deeply hurt. Because it will be evident it was me he didn't want. I know it is now but it will be there in black and white and that seems like it will hurt like a mother. Lol. But I really have to move on. And not get hurt by this. And hope he finds whatever it is he is searching for. He said the other day he wanted to be married by 34 but he has consistently told me he is not looking for a serious relationship right now. 34 is two years away. He lied. And I bought it.

I hate this situation and that I had to go through it. But I am learning things. I just hate that this is the way it turned out. I hate that we met. I really do. And I am sorry for the way I behaved through it all. I did him no good just as he did me no good. A bit of a waste really.

Shame.

Quoteable

So I guess you were just one of those people
who were supposed to walk into my life,
teach me a lesson, and then walk out.

Can You Keep A Secret?

I am a girl who is learning the truth about who she is.

I'm that girl who is awkward and slightly loud when she's happy.

I bounce my leg when I am nervous or bored.

Sometimes when I blink, my eye sounds like those old plastic dolls. Click, click. Complications of surgery and an artificial lens. Hmmn.

I burp out loud when alone and swallow my burps in public.

I am truly self conscious.

I put my foot in my mouth a lot of the time because of how awkward I am.

I say the wrong things and wish to God I can take them back only to realize that I am far too scared to take them back and so I wallow.

I think far too much and usually get down when I find myself in the deepest, darkest recesses of my own mind.

I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up, even though I am already grown up.

I have never had a boyfriend but have dreamt of one since I can remember.

I am not open with my feelings because I am terrified of what you'll think of me.

I have done bad, bad things though on first impression I seem like the good girl.

I slept with someone else's boyfriend and can not forgive myself.

I procrastinate on everything and thus am stressed out all the time.

I don't know how to connect with my family all the time.

Sometimes I worry I will never be able to discern the voice of God and I will completely miss it.

I love Michael and Janet Jackson and spend hours in my room dancing and singing, wishing I were a pop star.

I secretly think I can sing even though it is rather doubtful.

I am overwhelmed by my mistakes and the depression is unimaginable sometimes.

I have happy moment when I am on top of the world.

I have never kept a close friendship for more than five years and am terrified of losing my friend.

I miss my family but when I am home I am very quiet.

I lose faith in myself and in my future a lot.

I sometimes wear socks that have not been washed in ages. Most of them have massive holes because I have razor-sharp talons sometimes when I don't snip my toenails.

My eyes are bad.

My heart is aching and has been for too long and I am desperate for it to stop.

I listen to all music....even Country.

I love Christmastime.

I love the city lights.

I get lonely in the most profound way.

I want to stop believing in love but the truth is I am terrified of never finding it.And of ever finding it.

I am scared about the rest of my life because from here on, it's just me.

I learned that I am not the girl I thought I was and right now I am not ok with it.

I still like him.

My chest burns when I cry.

I sleep alone.

I cry alone.

I crave attention but then am embarrassed when I get it.

I am just another girl who feels like she is invisible.

I feel like a hypocrite and a melodramatic.

I wish I was wise.

I wish I were humble.

I wish I were together and a good friend.

I have not yet proved myself to be a good person even though I know deep down I have the potential to be.

My loneliness threatens me everyday. And it frightens me.

I wish I had a happier life even though I see the value of suffering.

I am scared.

I have no idea who I really am.

Moment of Weakness

FB's ex-girlf is in the hospital. I found out at work yesterday and I was genuinely concerned. I realize you would think I would be the last person to feel bad but I am not heartless and I do believe she is special to him in a way I can never understand or know because he would never tell me.

Anyway he told me and I was really concerned. I prayed for her. A lot. I would like to think that my motives were right but perhaps they weren't. After all I was praying for a stranger because of him right?

Anyway i prayed and hoped that I could overlook what I did and be genuine and really beseech God for her sake and for his sake.

I told him once I wanted him to be happy. And he said he wanted me to be happy. But I doubt he knows how miserable he makes me. He has been dating this girl. He claims they are not dating but once when we spoke he referred to an outing with her as the last date he had been on. I don't think he realized.

He has been mooching off of my emotions for months. I thought I could be detached but I still am surprised when the feelings of jealousy and sadness sweep over me when I see him with her in the hallways and when I see him on the phone smiling flirtatiously. It is so silly but I can not stop the feelings. I am so overdue in this. I have to get out of this job and I have to get away from him to move on.

He has made it painfully clear time and time again that he would by no means ever in any lifetime or in any realm of possibility ever ever see me in that light. Although he would gladly kiss me and talk to me whenever his heart desires because he knows I will be there.

Don't think I don't know I am a fool. I have known for so so long. By "trying to do the right thing" i have let him destroy my confidence. I was ok before him. I mean, i was lonely, yes and sad sometimes but I didn't have anything hanging over my head.

But this is too much. He can not see how much he hurts me by just existing. Because his existence tells me there is a flaw with me. There is something about me that turns him way off. I know it is silly to think everyone wants to be with you or will be attracted to you. I know that is not the case. I was happy being slightly miserable from distance but he wanted to be friends and before I had the sense to stop I fell for him hard. Ugh.

Everybody plays the fool and everybody is rejected and after eight months of blind foolish hope, i know that. I also know he isn't the man for me and that my loneliness has amplified this situation so much more than it should have been.

I am hoping that I get a job PRONTO. I need out. I need to make him my past. Right now I indulge him. I am weak. But God said he was my strength in my weakness. And I have more important things to think about than someone who doesn't think much of me despite his empty words.

Hmmmn. Sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't write about this again until I was over it.

Then again I promised myself I would stop indulging him and move on with my life. Fifteen billions times. I promised I would stay away from him and just be civil for the sake of work. I promised myself I would not sleep with him or anyone ever again until I was truly, legally and heavenly theirs. But I went back on it. My weak flesh gave in and my malnourished spirit had no chance.

Go figure.

Gimme Gimme Gimme

I admit it. I have had a case of the "I Wants" since I was a wee little thing. With God that is. Of Course every so often it is interrupted with a Thank You but mostly it is "Please, please, please?" and "I know I ask you for a lot.....BUT...."

I'm not saying I shouldn't ask God for stuff, he is my Father and my provision after all. It's just I feel very needy and very beggy all the time. I have been thinking about what I want in life right now and thats where this train of thought came from.

It really hasn't changed much.

I want a full-time professional job. I have been applying, not for very long I understand but still, I have been. Nary a word. I am a little bummed about that. But thats silly and childish. Silly silly girl. Patience.

I want friends. But I want the disposition to be able to be a good friend to those friends. I have fallen out of practice I'm afraid. I have been alone for a long time and so my friend skills are rusty. Exhibits A,B,C and D: The few friends I do relate to right nw. Not very impressive on my part I dare say.

I want to be Happy. I really do. I was going through an old journal of mine and one of the entries was from when i was 16 and I was going on about sad things and how I wanted to be happy and not sad all the time. I was appalled. 16. I don't believe I have been in this miserable state for so many years an I have yet to emerge. Tragic. I need to emerge. Life is too short to be sad all the time I think. But how? Hmmn.

I want a car. This is usually translated into "I NEED a car" but I do. I am immobile and at 24, that sucks. It sucks it hard.

I want a companion. As much as it grosses me out to say that right now, since I have a bad taste in my mouth still from my relationship errors and mishaps, but I think despite myself, the hope is still there. I am trying to crush it. Not a good thing but I'm being honest here. I am sad and disappointed at the notion of a companion and how much bloody work it is. But I dunno if there is hope for something real. I better cut this one off right here, I can feel the lump forming in my throat and I dare say it tastes of bile and salt.

I want.....

Well thats the main problem you see. I mean, I do have very vague ideas of what things I might want. And yet I am utterly confused as to what it is I really want specifically. In any respect. I have no idea. Perhaps thats where the lack of motivation stems. I am rather discomfited by this realization. Bugger.

Bugger.

But I need to look past the negative and focus on the good. I am indifferent but its better than bitter. Isn't it? I sure hope so.

The next thing better be blooming happy or else I am scribbled. Lol.

Altered

I have changed so much. I have become...this. Disappointed. So disappointed.

I am still working at my old job though i have a degree now. I am not happy about it but I have to get real serious about getting out of here.

I am trying to be happy. I am trying.