Birthday Wishes

So I got my wish. My birthday passed like any other day. I half wanted it that way but if I have to be honest I kinda hoped someone would see my cry for help and make a big deal about it. But they didn't. Well, thats not entirely true. My girl L forced me to spend the night with her and her fam like I do sometimes and they got me a cheesecake (the only cake I will eat, I was touched) and they got me gifts. I was truly touched.

I am a bit silly sometimes though. I mean I will make a big deal about how I do not want it to be a big deal but then in the back of my head I kept thinking "Surely they are going to throw me a surprise party. I just know it!" How stupid. I dunno where that even came from you know? Lol. How ridiculous of me. But they didn't and my birthday was generally forgotten. Except for L. I love that girl. I should appreciate her more than I do.

My best friend from Zim did call me though which was nice. She is a sweety. Troubled at the mo but a sweety nonetheless. Mum and dad didn't ring. I don't think they have figured out that they can call me direct for a few minutes and not break the bank. Hmmn.

So FB texted me. It used to be, he would have taken me out (he knew I wasn't doing anything special) or gotten me something. Afterall he got me a Valentines supposedly. Not as a lovey dovey gift, but just cuz. Hmmn. But he texted me and that was it. Despite myself I was a little put out by that. Ah well, what can a girl do?

So I had an interview Wednesday in the afternoon. I woke up and I was fairly alright. Then I happened to log into Facebook. I noticed FB took his picture down. Hmmn. So I went to his page. Hmmn. And I saw that he was now all of a sudden listed as "In a relationship."Hmmn. Two or so weeks after his "friend" changed hers to "In a relationship." Hmmn.

I was shocked at my reaction to be honest. I have been steadily working on the whole getting over him thing. I was getting to a point where I was almost ok. We have not hung out and I have stopped punishing myself by asking him what he is up to at night. I just don't want to know anymore, it hurts less if I don't know or if I don't suspect he is lying to me. But as soon as I saw the relationship status my heart thudded in my chest and my breathing became hard. Honestly, this is just plain ridiculous now.

So I called Crazy Girl and told her. She was preoccupied with her new man so she said she would ring me back. Then FB calls. Hmmn. He never calls me. Anyway he called and I picked up. He wanted to tell me about a dream he had that I was in. Apparently I was with him and then I began to turn into a werewolf. He has had reoccurring werewolf dreams and he tells me about them but I have never been in them. Anyway he said I sounded weird and asked me what was wrong. I had been crying a little but shrugged it off and told him I was fine and moved on.

I asked him about his Facebook changes. He said because there were two girls who were pressuring him about making their relationships serious. And he wanted to send them the message that he was not looking for anything serious. I said ok and pretended I believed his story. I do not. But what else is new?

Anyway, too much talk of him right now. I went for my interview and the job seems like the most boring thing ever and kinda hard. But I am desperate. I was sent home with a test. A TEST!! Lol. I felt like high school. And when I opened the stupid thing, I was so lost, I had no clue. Oh dear. I have sent it in. Lets hope they don't open it, look at it and go "Malaika, get out of here! You, are ridiculous."

I have really taken a liking to Keyshia Cole. I always liked her music but I have been listening to her more now and she really sings a lot about what I am going through and what I need to do with FB. My new fav jam from her is "I remember." I will still always jam to "Should Let You Go" when I need motivation about getting over FB.

Bottom line here kids. This is the first time my heart has been broken. I have never had it broken before. B was just disillusionment. And initially with FB it was my shock at my bad decisions and my rushing into things when there was no solid foundation. I am trying to be happy. I am moving on and teaching my heart not to care. About him. And I am hoping against the odds I will find a man that loves me. I don't know where the sense of urgency comes from. I really don't. I guess I am sad and lonely right now. And I have never been loved and I feel like I am being left out. I always felt like this.

Why is a relationship a sense of validation for me? Could it be because I have nothing really going for me right now? Or is it just to get rid of the hurt? I don't know. I just want to be loved. And I feel guilty for that. Who says I am in a position to receive that. I really don't know.

And can someone really be not looking for anything serious? Or is that something people say when they do not have someone they can see themselves with. Am I too hard on FB? I do not blame him for my unhappiness but at the same time it drives me crazy when I think he is lying to me to protect me.

As you can see, I am having a hard time here. I can't stop thinking this over in my head, trying to see where I went wrong kids. I'm sorry for this. I am so sorry for who this is turning me into. I wish I could change it. I really, honestly do.