Hurting

I don't mean to sound so negative all the time. I really don't. I hate that i am perpetually like this, but this is my journal. It's not intended for entertainment or public consumption, it is me. My thoughts and my feelings and i can not help the way i sound.

I am hurting right now. Hurting, not in a sharp, obvious way. My pain is a numb, dull ache. And those are much more frustrating. I can't keep doing this. I am so tired. So drained from it all. I feel like the girl who's been window-flirting with her neighbor across the way. I got terribly excited when he first waved to me and i shyly waved back, a little surprised. Then it was every night he was waving at me and i got bolder and started waving back more confidently. Then one day i bumped into him by accident and my heart fluttered. I boldly approached him and introduced myself only to find out that all this time he had been waving to the girl who lived right above me. He didn't want to hurt my feelings, so he just thought i would magically disappear one day. And my wounded self folded back into herself, refusing to come out and face the humiliation.

I feel hurt. That is the emotion i am experiencing right now and it is overshadowing everything. I got ten minutes. I had the initiative and did what i said i would not do, and i was given ten minutes. There was something far more important than me. A book to be precise. A book. Given the option, he preferred the book. And that stung just the slightest bit. I have been trying so hard, despite the guise of nonchalance i perpertrate. I have been a liar and a fool. I have availed myself to the utmost. Given all i could, more than i ever should and i have gotten nothing. And i am hurt right now. I want to talk to someone, but i don't. I do not want to have the same conversation over and over again with my friends. I get tired of listening to me. I just want to die right now. Or cry. I never cry. I always say i will, but i never do. But i want to cry right now. I am feeling so bad. I just wish i didn't feel so bad.