Fuzz Buckets

So i'm here. In Texas. Got here yesterday after having the trip from hell and beyond. I have never had such a.....well....such an experience. I am easily irritated and this trip was just taunting me into insanity. So we were meant to leave Friday at noon. So, we just started loading the UHAUL at noon. Ya. And my goodness, i was soooo irritated. Ok, my uncle is cool and all but one of the most annoying people on the planet sometimes. He is a control freak and a perfectionist and stubborn. And a know it all. He is really clever and all, but it is just too much sometimes. The diplomacy and modesty can be lacking. So i had to deal with that all the time. I couldn't do anything myself without getting criticism from him.....'no you're doing it worng' even when i wasn't. Just cause he didn't do it or tell me to do it. and then he spends time elling me obvious things and i am impatient..............in a nutshell, i didn't say anything but i was very very irritated.

When we finally got on the road it was nine at night. We drove like two hours to Tifton and spent the night at the Holiday Inn. Oh, i forgot to mention Tom. He is the older librarian from next door who agreed to drive the minivan since Uncle D was driving the Uhaul and towing the maroon car. Yeah so Tom is..............limited. So bloody corny and whiney and,......he's like an elderly kid. But not an incredibly bright kid you know? He is nice enough but....i dunno, maybe it's just me. But him and my uncle just kept getting into it. Bickering nonstop. And the thing is, neither one was ever listening to the other and tensions were already high and my uncle with his need to always be right and always have the last word came off overbearing and unreasonable and Tom, with his soft spoken, whiney, 'i'm going to tell mommy' disposition came off slightly challenged. It was so annoying it was laughable really. But i did not laugh. I am getting mad all over again so i would rather not go on about the stupid trip. I do have to mention we had car trouble and spent the night Friday in some butthole town Mississippi and got into Dallas at four Saturday afternoon. Crap in a bloody bucket.


Then i saw my aunt. It's been eight months since i last saw her and she looked horrible then. She looks devastating now. There is no other word for it. Devastating. I broke in half when i saw her. Didn't show it, but i did. She is thinner than i am.....by far. Her shoulders are like hangers. Her face is gaunt and sunken and pained. Her legs and thighs painfully swollen and so heavy for her disintegrated form to lift. She walks slowly. She has trouble getting in and out of the car. She has to go vomit all the time. She is not my Aunty Miriam. I don't know who that ghost is, but she is not my aunt. My aunt was healthy, sprite....i had to run to catch up with her sometimes.....but this woman is not. I am so shattered by the look of her. Her eyes are yellow. She told me today that that was the last stage of pancreatic cancer which the doctors have changed their minds about again for the umpteenth time and said that is what she has, along with the parasites. She is convinced she's dying, even though she doesn't say so. I can tell. I don't know what i am going to do. I can't talk about this anymore.

Jesus, i need you more than i have ever needed anything. More than i need my next breath. Please God. Please God.Please help. Oh Jesus. Oh God. I need you.