Query

Is it possible for a man to sleep with a woman and from then on see her as anything more than just a sex partner? If they had not established a deep foundation initially before they shagged, then won't he always associate her with sex? I mean, isn't that what makes easy girls easy? Are they all just uber horny or are they just automatically viewed as sex partners because they have had sex with a guy they were not in a serious relationship with?

I know I am not making much sense but I am confused. My mind tells me to reject any notion that a guy I have slept with will ever see me as anything significant. I mean, how can he right?

Sex is evil. Evil. Lol.

Alright. Maybe thats harsh. But I am thinking a lot about this. I mean, I behaved in a sluttastic manner. And I can not help but obsess over this because I have no idea who the person looking back at me in the mirror is. Who the heck are you and what happened to the sweet smart girl you once were?

He wants to hang out. As friends. He says he cares about me. But how can he? I'm sorry. I am not over the fact that I am not a virgin anymore. I am devastated and I know I need to accept it an d get over it. But this is not me. I don't act like this.

Oh but you do. I did. I messed up. Big. And frequently. And I was wracked with guilt but not enough to stop. I am not who I would like to be. I know there is no point in lamenting and not acting. Act. Fix it.

Ok, this is all over the place. I know I mean nothing to him really. But how do I shut off the part in my brain that hopes for more. That hopes for redemption. Justification. Not so much wanting him. But wanting not to be THAT GIRL.

I am that girl aren't I though? Hmmn.

Innocence was lost and I cant forget. The worst thing I ever did to myself was compromise myself. And I have yet to apologize myself.

And yet I dunno how to end it. I mean, I try over and over again to cut him off completely. Then he makes me feel guilty and I relent. Then he goes on acting like a dick again once he knows he is no longer on my block list. Until I block him again and it all starts all over. I am exhausted kids. I have been tired. What has to give for me to stop brutalizing my spirit?

God. You love me despite myself. I have strayed so far from you that every path I think will lead me back to you ends up being a dead end. I don't even know how to find you anymore. And I am dangerously close to not knowing how to recognize you anymore. When you come to find me and save me form myself, I look at you and wonder who you are. You stretch out your hand to me but I am afraid to grasp it because my discernment is so bad and I am so blinded that I am not sure it is you.

But I know in my heart of hearts that there is something inside of me that can not turn from you forever. I am drawn to you. I am desperate for you though my behavior says the opposite. I need you and so I still seek you deep, deep down inside. But I want to seek you all day. All week. All year. All my life. I don't want to justify my sins, but instead I want to be genuine. I do want what you want. I just need the worldly side of me to be silenced because it is drowning you out.

And there you have the contents of my heart at the moment.