Peanut

So he came. he showed up friday late afternoon and i was giddy to see him. He messaged me from outside my door and i jumped on him like a little schoolgirl does her daddy when she's been away at boarding school the entire year. Wow, i really went out on a limb for that analogy huh?

Anyway, i was stoked. He looked great, as per always. He met Uncle D and we went out. I took him on a five minute tour of our mall. Ok, so it was three and a half minutes. This is South Georgia by the way. Then we went to check in at a hotel. Now before you start flinging holy water on me and speaking in tongues and rebuking whatever devils you think have seized a hold on my good senses............. it was not like that. In any event, we saw two movies (one for free). I had my legs draped over his thigh throughout both and my head resting on his arm. I was the picture of the needy, annoying female i tend to scorn and despise but the pheremones overpowered my senses and that is what i succumbed to. He has that effect on me. We had a late dinner and talked. And then we hung out. Just me and him. What transpired between me and him that night will remain unspoken simply because words would ruin the essence of it all. No.....nothing of the sort. I did not get up to anything i would regret. I don't regret anything that happened.

He was meant to leave today (Saturday) around noon. He didn't leave till six thirty this evening. Why? No good reason. We were at my house. On my couch. My fav one that is. I was sitting with my legs stretched out in front of me wrapped around his torso as he was lying.....laying.....leaning on my chest as we listened to music and he occasionally drifted off.

And now i am more confused than i have ever been. He was my restraint this weekend. He kept me from making one of the biggest mistakes of my life. He kept me from me. I was ready to leap. I was standing on the edge, with no sight of what lay beneath and i was ready to jump and he anchored me and slowly reeled me back in to reality.Had it been anyone, i would be buying a six story mansion on Depression Avenue right now. Near Breakdown Lane and on the way to Suicide Highway. That was terrible and slightly extreme. It is not that serious. But he saved me. I believe God kept me from making a mistake through him. Thank You.

I am confused. I do not know what to make of my feeling for him. Yes i want him. Terribly so. But is it for any of the right reasons? Is this all a game to him? Does he take any of this seriously? I don't know that i am sure that he does. After this summer we are going our seperate ways. He'll be in med school in D.C. And i am moving west. Lightyears away. There is no foundation in this thing. Where is it possibly going to go? This weekend was amazing and great on so many levels. But i fear it was a huge mistake. I don't know what to do now.