I took a test (i was bored) to see why i was still single and virtually figure out what's wrong with me. Bloody interesting results i think.
Why Are You Still Single?
mannie, you're single because you don't want to slow down
Whether you're working all hours, busy with school, or planning a cross-country move, it sounds like you just don't have time for anyone else in your life...right now, that is. Your timing may be off in other aspects, too. Chances are, you've met that perfect person who just so happens to be married or planning their own cross-country move. So take a step back for a moment. Is there something underlying this? Could it be you're afraid to get involved for some reason or another, and are therefore attracted to people who are simply unavailable?Whether you're secretly sabotaging yourself or not, try a little exercise. Open your mind to those who are around you (and available!) right now. Then let up on your schedule to let that someone in. That is, unless you want to get married to your goals, and not Mr. Right.
Saturday, July 30
Wednesday, July 27
Once upon a girl
I'm reading a book about a prostitute. Maria. Written by a man. A very insightful man i believe is making love to my mind through his words. So poetic. And so invasive. He has essentially written a book about me, or what i imagine that is. No, that is not correct. He has written a book i imagine i would have written. So beautiful. And yet so true. I've been swept away by the tornado he has created through his thoughts, projected onto a fictional woman who happens to be a prostitute. Aptly entitled "Eleven Minutes," (pertaining to the length of the duration of a sexual encounter). There is nothing cliche about the story as one would expect a story about a misguided prostitute to be. Instead the confusion that surrounds love. Loneliness. Acceptance. Denial. All marvellously explored in a way that can not help but invade the impressionable soul. And i have been sucked in. All my worst fears about people.... men.... love....me as a woman.... confirmed and then immediately contested. It's deliciously intriguing. Usually when reading a book, the reader indulges the author or the narrator. Instead here, Paulo Coelho has indulged me. I feel as if i am the one telling the story and he is indulging my innermost me. It's fabulous.
Here's one of my favourite parts:
"Today while we were walking around the lake, along that strange road to Santiago, the man who was with me- a painter, with a life entirely different from mine- threw a pebble into the water. Small circles appeared where the pebble fell, which grew and grew until they touched a duck that happened to be passing and which had nothing to do with the pebble. Instead of being afraid of that unexpected wave, he decided to play with it.
Some hours before that scene, i went into a cafe, heard a voice, and it was as if God had thrown a pebble into that place. The waves of energy touched both me and a man sitting in a corner painting a portrait. He felt the vibrations of that pebble, and so did i. So what now?
The painter knows when he has found a model. The musician knows when his instrument is well tuned. Here, in my diary, I am aware that there are certain phrases which are not written by me, but by a woman full of 'light'; i am that woman though i refuse to accept it.
I could carry on like this, but i could also, like the duck on the lake, have fun and take pleasure in that sudden ripple that set the water rocking."
Here's one of my favourite parts:
"Today while we were walking around the lake, along that strange road to Santiago, the man who was with me- a painter, with a life entirely different from mine- threw a pebble into the water. Small circles appeared where the pebble fell, which grew and grew until they touched a duck that happened to be passing and which had nothing to do with the pebble. Instead of being afraid of that unexpected wave, he decided to play with it.
Some hours before that scene, i went into a cafe, heard a voice, and it was as if God had thrown a pebble into that place. The waves of energy touched both me and a man sitting in a corner painting a portrait. He felt the vibrations of that pebble, and so did i. So what now?
The painter knows when he has found a model. The musician knows when his instrument is well tuned. Here, in my diary, I am aware that there are certain phrases which are not written by me, but by a woman full of 'light'; i am that woman though i refuse to accept it.
I could carry on like this, but i could also, like the duck on the lake, have fun and take pleasure in that sudden ripple that set the water rocking."
Monday, July 25
Anguilla
I want to go. To Anguilla. I am going to go i think. We all know me and my restlessness, i will end up going in the next year i think. I just need to save some cash. Bigg said we're taking a trip together. I get to pick where and make all the arrangements. Isn't funny how guys can play off laziness by making girls think they have the control and know-how to plan something? He makes it seem like such a big privelege for me to plan our trip. He just doesn't want to be bothered with minor details. But, as can be expected from the female, i don't mind. Besides, i'm sure i would not have as much fun if we went somewhere silly. Anyway, we are seriously planning a trip. As friends. And Anguilla is where i want to go. It is one of the sexiest islands ever. I have wanted to go for years now. Plus i think Bigg really wants to go to Jamaica, and i don't so much. Anguilla is a nice compromise i think. Hmmn.
Preparations are underway for the move to Dallas. We've started clearing out trash and getting ready to pack. We have less than a month before we move. I have yet to contact Frier and tell her about not being able to be Editor-in-Cheif this fall. She's in New York right now. I'm sure it'll work out though. She's got Lee to be Editor. What sucks about the timing was that i had three jobs waiting for me at SGC in the fall. I was known....enough and it isn't the most imposing campus-life out there. Now i am going to a huge metropolis with thousands of other students and dorm-mates, possibly a roommate (God-forbid), and i have to start over again. But on the upside that is a welcome challenge. Life was getting a tad mundane and being blase about everything everyday was getting a little old i think.
The time is coming for me and Peanut to actually have a discussion about us. I strongly doubt we will however. That's pathetic. We will say our goodbyes, make empty promises to call each other, honor them for about a month and never actually have said anything meaningful at all. I have been trying to find a logical reason why it's lasted so long. It isn't like he can not get girls. I'm sure he does on the regular. But why string me along for so long? It isn't like i was putting out. Why is he such a coward to just end it with me? And why haven't i? I suppose i have been holding out for him to wake up one morning and find out that he can not possibly go through life without me. Oh, as if you didn't know i was delusional! We both knew i was. But he hasn't. Can't say that was the shock of the millenium. I suppose i am also afraid i am reading it wrong. He's pretty hard to read. Or perhaps he isn't meant to be read. But i fear that if i come out and ask him and have a discussion about a proverbial and perhaps illusionary "us," he'll take off screaming into the hills. That is apparently what guys do. Punks. The fear is that i will have sabotaged something that would have eventually progressed on it's own. No. No that's not true. That is an excuse i think. Why do girls do that all the time? Punks.
I am debating in my head whether i should go ahead and do it before he does. It has to be inevitable right? He can't possibly think it'll just fizzle out and disappear can he? My goodness men are slow. Bastards.
Preparations are underway for the move to Dallas. We've started clearing out trash and getting ready to pack. We have less than a month before we move. I have yet to contact Frier and tell her about not being able to be Editor-in-Cheif this fall. She's in New York right now. I'm sure it'll work out though. She's got Lee to be Editor. What sucks about the timing was that i had three jobs waiting for me at SGC in the fall. I was known....enough and it isn't the most imposing campus-life out there. Now i am going to a huge metropolis with thousands of other students and dorm-mates, possibly a roommate (God-forbid), and i have to start over again. But on the upside that is a welcome challenge. Life was getting a tad mundane and being blase about everything everyday was getting a little old i think.
The time is coming for me and Peanut to actually have a discussion about us. I strongly doubt we will however. That's pathetic. We will say our goodbyes, make empty promises to call each other, honor them for about a month and never actually have said anything meaningful at all. I have been trying to find a logical reason why it's lasted so long. It isn't like he can not get girls. I'm sure he does on the regular. But why string me along for so long? It isn't like i was putting out. Why is he such a coward to just end it with me? And why haven't i? I suppose i have been holding out for him to wake up one morning and find out that he can not possibly go through life without me. Oh, as if you didn't know i was delusional! We both knew i was. But he hasn't. Can't say that was the shock of the millenium. I suppose i am also afraid i am reading it wrong. He's pretty hard to read. Or perhaps he isn't meant to be read. But i fear that if i come out and ask him and have a discussion about a proverbial and perhaps illusionary "us," he'll take off screaming into the hills. That is apparently what guys do. Punks. The fear is that i will have sabotaged something that would have eventually progressed on it's own. No. No that's not true. That is an excuse i think. Why do girls do that all the time? Punks.
I am debating in my head whether i should go ahead and do it before he does. It has to be inevitable right? He can't possibly think it'll just fizzle out and disappear can he? My goodness men are slow. Bastards.
Wednesday, July 20
Moving yet again
Well, Georgia has been my home for a year and a half but it is that time again. I am moving out. It was all of a sudden but i have no choice so i guess this is it for Georgia. I'll be saying hello to the west in a couple of weeks. Hmmn.
Faith
Where is God when you need Him? That is what my cousin is asking. Her mother is dying away and there seems to be no hope and she calls me and asks me where the God everyone is counting on and praying to and having faith in is supposed to be. If He is so merciful, why has he let this happen for so long? Why has He gotten our hopes up when He knew they would come crashing down.
I don't know what to tell her.
Stripped of platitudes and useless cliches........... i have no more answers. I wonder myself at times.
Well?
Are you going to tell me?
I don't know what to tell her.
Stripped of platitudes and useless cliches........... i have no more answers. I wonder myself at times.
Well?
Are you going to tell me?
Tuesday, July 19
Resolution.......in theory
I spoke to Bigg last night. I know, i know, i'm getting tired of hearing about this crap too. But we spoke for two or so hours and we were friends. I was not harbouring any other feelings for him. It dawned on me. We are good friends. I can not believe i wanted to jeapordize that with anything else. But i spoke to him last night the way i speak to Taps. He said he admired and trusted me. We spoke about love and relationships. We caught up on each other's lives. I told him i was moving out of Georgia. He said i sucked. But that he'd still visit me. It was great. It as comfortable. I think i just may have finally gotten my closure. And i'm glad. I'm not insane anymore.
P.S. I did fib however. He asked me if towards the end of the semester i had begun dating or talking to someone. He was referring to Peanut. He had observed certain times when i was on the phone with Peanut and had heard Slim make a few comments about Peanut. But i said no. I said i wasn't talking to anyone. Not wholly a lie. Me and Peanut aren't necessarily dating. I dunno what we are doing. But i don't know why i pretended like nothing of the sort happened. Hmmn.
P.S. I did fib however. He asked me if towards the end of the semester i had begun dating or talking to someone. He was referring to Peanut. He had observed certain times when i was on the phone with Peanut and had heard Slim make a few comments about Peanut. But i said no. I said i wasn't talking to anyone. Not wholly a lie. Me and Peanut aren't necessarily dating. I dunno what we are doing. But i don't know why i pretended like nothing of the sort happened. Hmmn.
Saturday, July 16
Peanut
So he came. he showed up friday late afternoon and i was giddy to see him. He messaged me from outside my door and i jumped on him like a little schoolgirl does her daddy when she's been away at boarding school the entire year. Wow, i really went out on a limb for that analogy huh?
Anyway, i was stoked. He looked great, as per always. He met Uncle D and we went out. I took him on a five minute tour of our mall. Ok, so it was three and a half minutes. This is South Georgia by the way. Then we went to check in at a hotel. Now before you start flinging holy water on me and speaking in tongues and rebuking whatever devils you think have seized a hold on my good senses............. it was not like that. In any event, we saw two movies (one for free). I had my legs draped over his thigh throughout both and my head resting on his arm. I was the picture of the needy, annoying female i tend to scorn and despise but the pheremones overpowered my senses and that is what i succumbed to. He has that effect on me. We had a late dinner and talked. And then we hung out. Just me and him. What transpired between me and him that night will remain unspoken simply because words would ruin the essence of it all. No.....nothing of the sort. I did not get up to anything i would regret. I don't regret anything that happened.
He was meant to leave today (Saturday) around noon. He didn't leave till six thirty this evening. Why? No good reason. We were at my house. On my couch. My fav one that is. I was sitting with my legs stretched out in front of me wrapped around his torso as he was lying.....laying.....leaning on my chest as we listened to music and he occasionally drifted off.
And now i am more confused than i have ever been. He was my restraint this weekend. He kept me from making one of the biggest mistakes of my life. He kept me from me. I was ready to leap. I was standing on the edge, with no sight of what lay beneath and i was ready to jump and he anchored me and slowly reeled me back in to reality.Had it been anyone, i would be buying a six story mansion on Depression Avenue right now. Near Breakdown Lane and on the way to Suicide Highway. That was terrible and slightly extreme. It is not that serious. But he saved me. I believe God kept me from making a mistake through him. Thank You.
I am confused. I do not know what to make of my feeling for him. Yes i want him. Terribly so. But is it for any of the right reasons? Is this all a game to him? Does he take any of this seriously? I don't know that i am sure that he does. After this summer we are going our seperate ways. He'll be in med school in D.C. And i am moving west. Lightyears away. There is no foundation in this thing. Where is it possibly going to go? This weekend was amazing and great on so many levels. But i fear it was a huge mistake. I don't know what to do now.
Anyway, i was stoked. He looked great, as per always. He met Uncle D and we went out. I took him on a five minute tour of our mall. Ok, so it was three and a half minutes. This is South Georgia by the way. Then we went to check in at a hotel. Now before you start flinging holy water on me and speaking in tongues and rebuking whatever devils you think have seized a hold on my good senses............. it was not like that. In any event, we saw two movies (one for free). I had my legs draped over his thigh throughout both and my head resting on his arm. I was the picture of the needy, annoying female i tend to scorn and despise but the pheremones overpowered my senses and that is what i succumbed to. He has that effect on me. We had a late dinner and talked. And then we hung out. Just me and him. What transpired between me and him that night will remain unspoken simply because words would ruin the essence of it all. No.....nothing of the sort. I did not get up to anything i would regret. I don't regret anything that happened.
He was meant to leave today (Saturday) around noon. He didn't leave till six thirty this evening. Why? No good reason. We were at my house. On my couch. My fav one that is. I was sitting with my legs stretched out in front of me wrapped around his torso as he was lying.....laying.....leaning on my chest as we listened to music and he occasionally drifted off.
And now i am more confused than i have ever been. He was my restraint this weekend. He kept me from making one of the biggest mistakes of my life. He kept me from me. I was ready to leap. I was standing on the edge, with no sight of what lay beneath and i was ready to jump and he anchored me and slowly reeled me back in to reality.Had it been anyone, i would be buying a six story mansion on Depression Avenue right now. Near Breakdown Lane and on the way to Suicide Highway. That was terrible and slightly extreme. It is not that serious. But he saved me. I believe God kept me from making a mistake through him. Thank You.
I am confused. I do not know what to make of my feeling for him. Yes i want him. Terribly so. But is it for any of the right reasons? Is this all a game to him? Does he take any of this seriously? I don't know that i am sure that he does. After this summer we are going our seperate ways. He'll be in med school in D.C. And i am moving west. Lightyears away. There is no foundation in this thing. Where is it possibly going to go? This weekend was amazing and great on so many levels. But i fear it was a huge mistake. I don't know what to do now.
Thursday, July 14
To be (happy) or not to be (happy
Peanut is coming down here tomorrow to spend the day (and night) with me on his way to Orlando. The superficial side of me is trying not to be excited to see him again but the more reasonable side is shaking her head in exhausted disbelief. What the hell are you doing to yourself? You know this is not what you want. Last night proved that very clearly. Still......i'm a girl who doesn't like being alone. Alright... so i am a complete tosser then yeah? So sue me, right?
Wednesday, July 13
Deeply
Peanut is coming down tomorrow night. To see me for one night. Is that what it all boils down to? I have been wondering to myself how much i am really worth to humanity. Am i really worth that much? I miss mom. Dad. Even sherona and french fry. Truth is, they are the only ones i am secure in the knowledge that they truly love me. I am aching for that. The people i feel loved by are halfway around the world and i feel naked and scared.
Am i that vain or self absorbed that i have such thoughts? Victim's complex? Of coarse i do. Depressed? I dunno why. Alone? Perhaps. What is it going to take to fix me? I hate being the way that i am but i am this way. If i can't even like me........ is anyone going to ever be able to love me? Truly, deeply and madly? Why am i so preoccupied with love and not being alone? Could it be that i am afraid to be alone with me?
Am i that vain or self absorbed that i have such thoughts? Victim's complex? Of coarse i do. Depressed? I dunno why. Alone? Perhaps. What is it going to take to fix me? I hate being the way that i am but i am this way. If i can't even like me........ is anyone going to ever be able to love me? Truly, deeply and madly? Why am i so preoccupied with love and not being alone? Could it be that i am afraid to be alone with me?
Sunday, July 10
Boyz II Men....ABC...BBD
I went to see Boyz II Men in Valdosta this Friday! I was so excited to be able to go and see a band i literally grew up off of and still listen to avidly. I have little doubt all three of my children are going to be conceived with Boyz II Men as the sound track. As i was telling Peanut, if a man plays some Boyz II Men for me, i will lose my mind and cater to his every need.
Seriously though, i was really excited. It was at Wild Adventures and the wankers charged me $42 to get in!! Ugh! Anyway, from there i didn't have to pay for the concert so it was all good. So we hung out at the park for a few hours. I went with JF and her mom and a bunch of kids from their church (JF's mom is Douglas' resident Mother Teresa). So JF and i went around and she got me to go on the rollercosters. Ok, i don't usually do rollercoasters but i went. I was scared senseless. I had a blast. We also went to the water park and had fun.
Ok, ok, ok irrelevant. The point. My Mens. So they were meant to start at 7. Now they may be rich and internationally known superstars but they still black so i had to give a little leeway for CP time. How about these jokers show up at blooming 8:30-ish? I was like...ok.....but they're Boyz II Men. Its all good. They performed. i was convinced that despite all the obvious reasons pointing in the opposite direction, that Nathan from the group (the one with the glasses, i have always thought he was fine) was going to undoubtably father my children. Which would work out great seeing as though i could have a live soundtrack at their conception instead of a tape. Kidding.
They performed for less than an hour. Less than an hour. I know Wild Adventures, Valdosta Georgia is not Hollywood or New York or even Japan or London. I know this, believe me no one knows it more than i do. But less than an hour Boyz? I was crushed. They sang a lot of m favourite songs and stuff but it was too short lived. PLus, the sexy voice wasn't even there. Sean, the one who does that whole Barry white thing? Yes. He makes it sexy. He wasn't even there. It was just the three of them and they still sounded hot, but not the same.
All in all, it was disappointing not to have all four of my babies singing to me for more than an hour. I took pictures but it just wasn't the same you know? Nevertheless, i still went out and replaced my scratched up II album. The one with all my fav Jamz on it.
Nathan! I know you are probably married with kids, but we can work past all that. Holla at your girl! I am for real.
Seriously though, i was really excited. It was at Wild Adventures and the wankers charged me $42 to get in!! Ugh! Anyway, from there i didn't have to pay for the concert so it was all good. So we hung out at the park for a few hours. I went with JF and her mom and a bunch of kids from their church (JF's mom is Douglas' resident Mother Teresa). So JF and i went around and she got me to go on the rollercosters. Ok, i don't usually do rollercoasters but i went. I was scared senseless. I had a blast. We also went to the water park and had fun.
Ok, ok, ok irrelevant. The point. My Mens. So they were meant to start at 7. Now they may be rich and internationally known superstars but they still black so i had to give a little leeway for CP time. How about these jokers show up at blooming 8:30-ish? I was like...ok.....but they're Boyz II Men. Its all good. They performed. i was convinced that despite all the obvious reasons pointing in the opposite direction, that Nathan from the group (the one with the glasses, i have always thought he was fine) was going to undoubtably father my children. Which would work out great seeing as though i could have a live soundtrack at their conception instead of a tape. Kidding.
They performed for less than an hour. Less than an hour. I know Wild Adventures, Valdosta Georgia is not Hollywood or New York or even Japan or London. I know this, believe me no one knows it more than i do. But less than an hour Boyz? I was crushed. They sang a lot of m favourite songs and stuff but it was too short lived. PLus, the sexy voice wasn't even there. Sean, the one who does that whole Barry white thing? Yes. He makes it sexy. He wasn't even there. It was just the three of them and they still sounded hot, but not the same.
All in all, it was disappointing not to have all four of my babies singing to me for more than an hour. I took pictures but it just wasn't the same you know? Nevertheless, i still went out and replaced my scratched up II album. The one with all my fav Jamz on it.
Nathan! I know you are probably married with kids, but we can work past all that. Holla at your girl! I am for real.
Wednesday, July 6
advice from a friend on what i should do
right after that last post
a found a friend with wise words.
In the middle of the night.
Thanks Taps.
a coward dies a thousand deaths
but a soldier dies but once.
-Proverbs
a found a friend with wise words.
In the middle of the night.
Thanks Taps.
a coward dies a thousand deaths
but a soldier dies but once.
-Proverbs
The song that never ends
i had a dilema tonight,
was truly in a place where i felt trapped
i desperately needed to talk to someone
i thought and thought and thought.
There was no one i could talk to.
i needed someone to tell me that i was going to be fine
but i couldn't think of anyone.
No one.
Not one person that would not mind
me calling them at midnight
in tears and frustration
with silly matters that they could understand
meant everything to me just then.
someone to be concerned and wrapped up in me.
i looked at all my friends and realized
i'm alone.
i couldn't call anyone in the middle of the night
to help me.
what's gonna happen when i am up
in the middle of the night
and it's life or death.
i have no one to call.
was truly in a place where i felt trapped
i desperately needed to talk to someone
i thought and thought and thought.
There was no one i could talk to.
i needed someone to tell me that i was going to be fine
but i couldn't think of anyone.
No one.
Not one person that would not mind
me calling them at midnight
in tears and frustration
with silly matters that they could understand
meant everything to me just then.
someone to be concerned and wrapped up in me.
i looked at all my friends and realized
i'm alone.
i couldn't call anyone in the middle of the night
to help me.
what's gonna happen when i am up
in the middle of the night
and it's life or death.
i have no one to call.
On Friendship
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love
and reap with thanksgiving.
... And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide,
let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should
seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not
your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let
there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart
finds its morning and is refreshed.
- Kahlil Gibran
"The Prophet"
He is your field which you sow with love
and reap with thanksgiving.
... And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide,
let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should
seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not
your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let
there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart
finds its morning and is refreshed.
- Kahlil Gibran
"The Prophet"
Sunday, July 3
Africa
Been having a great time intellectually this weekend. Pippa's home and she and uncle Derek and I will have these philosophical talks at dinner about religion, politics, African politics, Zimbabwean politics, history and current events. The way intelligent people are meant to converse. I am drinking it all in. I love learning things about Zim. I think it is a good thing I am not there right now what with all that is going on back home. I swear I would most probably be militant and get myself killed. The passion that wells up in me when discussing Zim and Africa and the whole Live 8 concert thing and the G8 summit. I have totally mixed feelings.
Live 8 was a crock. A bunch of western superstars singing all over the world in an effort to raise awareness and influence G8 leaders to help Africa. Bollucks! The people who say they care will do so as a fad and it'll be great....for about three months and then things will be back to normal again. No one will give a dog's left bolluck about Africa. And then they barely had African performers in the lineup, which bloody defeats the purpose now doesn't it? Buggery losers. But what gets me is the whole feel of the Live 8 thing. It was not concern or care. It was Patronizing. That is how I felt by the whole thing as a born and bred African princess. Patronized. I felt like I was being force-fed sympathy and let me tell you, that is the hardest thing to be forced to swallow. I will be among the very first to admit that Africa needs help. We need sooo much help. Africa's biggest problem is not buggery poverty or AIDS or famine, disease, lack of medication or war. It bloody corruption. African leaders are bloody wankers! Corruption is a disease spreading at a far faster rate and with more deadly consenquences than AIDS ever will. That is what is killing our people and keeping the world's strongest continent on it's knees. We are so much greater than this. We are kings and queens. Of a rich heritage of royalty and yet we are reduced to dogs in the sight of the world. What can they do but throw money at us and hope that'll stifle the cries of our children and mop up the blood of our men and women? But the way they look down on us...on me...breaks my heart inside my chest. They scorn me and laugh at me. They pity me and are relieved to not be me. They don't understand me and they really don't want to either. I am not scorning attempts to help my people. We need it. But do not patronize us. We are human beings too. We deserve the dignity that is given to every other people on this earth. At least they should see we deserve that much. Live 8 patronized me. I just hope one day the world will look at Africa as an entity that evokes awe instead of "aww". We are so much better than this. They are going to have to see this one day.
Live 8 was a crock. A bunch of western superstars singing all over the world in an effort to raise awareness and influence G8 leaders to help Africa. Bollucks! The people who say they care will do so as a fad and it'll be great....for about three months and then things will be back to normal again. No one will give a dog's left bolluck about Africa. And then they barely had African performers in the lineup, which bloody defeats the purpose now doesn't it? Buggery losers. But what gets me is the whole feel of the Live 8 thing. It was not concern or care. It was Patronizing. That is how I felt by the whole thing as a born and bred African princess. Patronized. I felt like I was being force-fed sympathy and let me tell you, that is the hardest thing to be forced to swallow. I will be among the very first to admit that Africa needs help. We need sooo much help. Africa's biggest problem is not buggery poverty or AIDS or famine, disease, lack of medication or war. It bloody corruption. African leaders are bloody wankers! Corruption is a disease spreading at a far faster rate and with more deadly consenquences than AIDS ever will. That is what is killing our people and keeping the world's strongest continent on it's knees. We are so much greater than this. We are kings and queens. Of a rich heritage of royalty and yet we are reduced to dogs in the sight of the world. What can they do but throw money at us and hope that'll stifle the cries of our children and mop up the blood of our men and women? But the way they look down on us...on me...breaks my heart inside my chest. They scorn me and laugh at me. They pity me and are relieved to not be me. They don't understand me and they really don't want to either. I am not scorning attempts to help my people. We need it. But do not patronize us. We are human beings too. We deserve the dignity that is given to every other people on this earth. At least they should see we deserve that much. Live 8 patronized me. I just hope one day the world will look at Africa as an entity that evokes awe instead of "aww". We are so much better than this. They are going to have to see this one day.
Strange
I got a call from Pickle. Yes I have chosen to code him "pickle". Don't judge me.
He is very.....strange. He had a thing....A pretty big thing.....for slim and for a time I honestly thought he was madly in love with her which was only destined to turn out tragically considering who slim is and the stigma around her (she's like Mary in the movie "there's something about Mary"). He once approached me and wanted to "chill" but I laughed it off and thought he went away and for a time he did. Then out of the blooming blue, he calls today. For no good reason. One thing leads to another and there it was. He said he wanted to "kick it" with me on a deeper level. Huh. Said I was a nice girl who seems complication free. Huh. Said he'd always been attracted to me. Huh. OK, how do I miss these things? I got off a very long call with him finally without having to say yay or nay because he said I would probably shoot him down anyway. He assumes this. Huh. I'm not interested in him in the least, if anything I am a bit wary of him but the fact hat he would simply assume I would be so vain as to think myself above him and "shoot" him down? Huh.
As if my night wasn't weird enough with that call, an hour later my phone rings again and it was Shy Guy. Last time I spoke to the boy I called him to say hi and he acted as if I had some mutant form of the ebola virus (whatever the hell that is. No I have no idea even though I am African. Bloody pricks.) that was contagious over the phone lines and he got off the phone with the quickness. So I was surprised. And he really had nothing to say. Acted upset the entire time. The whole psychiatrist patient thing happened again and he told me at length again why his life was so miserable. Then I asked what made him call me and he said he was just flipping through his phone, saw my number and there was no one else to call. Fab. Just fab.
He is very.....strange. He had a thing....A pretty big thing.....for slim and for a time I honestly thought he was madly in love with her which was only destined to turn out tragically considering who slim is and the stigma around her (she's like Mary in the movie "there's something about Mary"). He once approached me and wanted to "chill" but I laughed it off and thought he went away and for a time he did. Then out of the blooming blue, he calls today. For no good reason. One thing leads to another and there it was. He said he wanted to "kick it" with me on a deeper level. Huh. Said I was a nice girl who seems complication free. Huh. Said he'd always been attracted to me. Huh. OK, how do I miss these things? I got off a very long call with him finally without having to say yay or nay because he said I would probably shoot him down anyway. He assumes this. Huh. I'm not interested in him in the least, if anything I am a bit wary of him but the fact hat he would simply assume I would be so vain as to think myself above him and "shoot" him down? Huh.
As if my night wasn't weird enough with that call, an hour later my phone rings again and it was Shy Guy. Last time I spoke to the boy I called him to say hi and he acted as if I had some mutant form of the ebola virus (whatever the hell that is. No I have no idea even though I am African. Bloody pricks.) that was contagious over the phone lines and he got off the phone with the quickness. So I was surprised. And he really had nothing to say. Acted upset the entire time. The whole psychiatrist patient thing happened again and he told me at length again why his life was so miserable. Then I asked what made him call me and he said he was just flipping through his phone, saw my number and there was no one else to call. Fab. Just fab.
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