Emma on the Silver Screen

So one of my favourite pick me up novels is being made into a movie! I am so bleedin excited its silly! "Can You Keep A Secret" is a book I happened upon a couple of years ago on a lay over at Dubai International. I had a 14 hour layover so a book or two was imperative, Lol. Anyway I picked up this book and read the back and the first page or so in the bookstore and fell in love. I read the entire thing during my layover and Sophie Kinsella fast became one of my favourite authors ever.

Its a silly little book that is really hilarious and very Bridget Jones-y and I am so chuffed its being made a movie. I can't wait. I did read somewhere that Kate Hudson would be playing the main character Emma Corrigan and I am not sure how I feel about that yet. I imagined some unknown British actress doing the part but I suppose it could be another Bridget Jones ey? I dunno, I hope it will be fab like the book. But who knows ey?

I think I might go dig it up and re-read it just to lift my spirits a bit. That and Bridget Jones always seems to make me feel loads better about myself for a little while because it is just not depressing. It's pure humour that takes the focus off my morbid existence and shifts it onto some silly character getting into loads of rubbish.

Clark phoned me last night. It was so out of the blue and unexpected really. I was thinking about him and how I missed friends and things and he just rang me out of nowhere and he said he called just to say he loved me. I was touched. I suppose God is listening up there and He sent me a message through a friend. I was grateful and it made getting up this morning a little easier I think.

I am so excited about this movie and its only just in preproduction, lol. Ugh! Ok, steady on. Honestly, the little things I get excited over. And I am meant to be a grown up again.

Hyenas Comedy Club

I went to a comedy club with a friend last night. It was funny because I so tried to flake out of going. I had been at work from 8 in the a.m. and got off at 8 in the p.m. and just wanted to go bum at home but she was pretty persistent and I felt guilty. She's my study buddy for Spanish and though we are both not fantastic at it, studying together helps me. And I had already said yes and so after my weak attempts to get out of it, which she totally shut down, I decided to just go.

Her ex-boyfriend Butch was performing. Yes, Butch. Hmmn. Lol. No, but he was a scream. She is so connected at that comedy club that we got in no problem and we got free drinks. How cool.

So I was expecting it to suck. Everytime someone's ex something or cousin or brother's best friend or whatever performs, I always imagine they are going for moral support because they suck.

I was wrong this time. He was actually funny. Very very vulgar but funny. I had a good time and it was another successful night of being around other people and not wallowing in loneliness. I was really glad I went. I was even home by eleven something and could just go to sleep.

FB messaged me all night, sort of. Well, just a couple of times. I have been not responding a lot or being a bit non-engaging with him of late but I had enough distance I thought to at least chat with him. It was platonic, no references that upset me and I was ok with it. I wasn't depressed after it.

Saturday was good.

I really need to stop posting my thoughts on Facebook through the "NOTES" application. I dunno why I do because I swear all my friends on there think I am so depressed. I suppose it is ok here because none of my friends know about this blog but I have this addiction to sharing what I am feeling through things I write and now I am doing it on facebook and I need to stop sharing so much of myself to people who know me, I really do. Lol. I might just go and deactivate and reactivate and deactivate my account until I go silly. I tend to do that when I feel too open and to visible to people. I feel a lot better when I am invisible and hiding. So why do you write notes on facebook about your inner thoughts then? I dunno. Cuz I'm a bit dozey I reckon.

Always a bridesmaid.....

I had a relatively good night last night. I went to the home meeting with C.O.C. last night with Bethany. It is starting to get a little cooler out so they were planning on having a fire in the "fire pit" as they say here, and making smores. Lol. Anyway I don't always hang out with these kids. At first I thought they were just really kind of wierd but they have grown on me and they are really sweet. I loved being around people who were just having fun. I realized I haven't done that in a long while. I have not had time to just be preoccupied with other people and share and enjoy. It was really nice and I didn't think of depressing things all night, just had fun and was around people.

I realize that a lot of my problems here stem from how reclusive I seem to have become. I go home and watch TV till I fall asleep. I have dinner by myself and I do all things alone when I am not at school or work. And I realized that my lack of a core of friends is why I get so down and perhaps why I placed so much emphasis on my relationship with FB. I know that I want someone of my own. But I suppose I was.......dare I say it......a little desperate for companionship, I was hell bent on making it work with FB. Except I am a bit of an attention whore. I am awfully quiet usually and don't act like it, but I crave attention. I want to be special to someone. Well, to everyone. I realize the immaturity of this but hey, I'm working on it. Promise. And the problem was that I wasn't special at all to him. Not his fault, just a fact of life I suppose.

Anyway last night I realized that if I had close friends to occupy my time, I wouldn't get so caught up in misery. I miss my girls from Georgia. The one goodthing that came out of Georgia, lol. I miss them and wish we could be together again. A girl needs her girlfs. She simply does.

Speaking of girlfs, guess who has been solicited to be a bridesmaid AGAIN? Thats right. Yours truly. It's my girlf from Iran. Well, she's Zimbo too but our parents worked together in Iran and thats where we met and she is here in the states a few states away from me. I went to her graduation a little while ago. Ya, her. She's getting married.

I feel bad because it hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean I suppose we had not been talking much and certainly not about what goes on in her love life. So when she called me this week and told me she was getting married to the love of her life, her prince charming, I was needless to say, speechless.

I'm happy for her. I truly am. She has been through a lot with guys and now she found a Christian man she can be madly in love with. Apparently his family is quite the big deal back home so this will be somewhat of a high-profile wedding. And it'll be back home. This August. And she wants me to be a bridesmaid. Hmmn.

I want to go simply because I feel honored she asked me I mean who am I that people want me to be a part of their weddings? I feel honored. I do.

But how can you be truly 100% happy for someone who has found their prince charming when your love life is a cause of misery to you? If I were just single and lonely, thats one thing. But here I have been having a really tough week and it just coincided with her happy news. I have stayed away from FB this week. I have said no to him and I have spent a couple of nights waiting for the darkness to be pushed away by the light of day. Nighttime is the hardest because I can't shut my mind off and I think and then I cry. I am purging. I have started to before but this time I am determined. I hope I make it this time. Anyway, so this week was bad for me and I began thinking about her love and how she prayed for him and God provided him. OK, i don't presume to know the mind of God and if His hand is truly on this but she seems so certain and who am I to question that? I hope it really is God because she deserves love like that. Everyone does. Well, maybe not EVERYONE, lol.

I am just rambling now. But her happiness shed light on my desolation. I am clinging onto a very thin sliver of hope that there is a man out there for me. I just don't really see it right now. If I am to be honest, I don't. But I can't stop my heart hoping right? I am coming to a crucial time in my life with graduation round the bend and I am scared. Not just the "finding a job" thing but the whole "please don't let me go through life like this" thing. I'm 23. That is young but also old at the same time ifthat makes any sense. I know loads of people who find love later in life but I don't want to. I want love when I am young. Selfish I know but it is what I want.

But I know I have to submit to God's plan and had I not stuffed it up with my adventures with all the wrong men, I probably would not feel as I do now. Maybe I wouldn't. Who's to know though right?

Why can't I stop talking about love for goodness sakes? What is wrong with me? Lol.

Oh bugger.

Right.

Was attempting to change my template so it would not look quite so morbid. I'm afraid that now I don't know what I have done and I can't fix it just yet.

Bugger, bugger, bugger.

Ay!

Or should I say "eye!"

More eye issues. Bugger.

So my eye has been slightly painful and very sensative to light for the past week. I was hoping it would go away on its own but with my track record I should have known it was something rather serious. So I went to the opthamologist yesterday. It took me fifty forevers to find one in the area that was not booked until December. Who knew so many people had opthamologists ey? Anyway I finally found one and THANK GOD for my friend Bethany. She drove me there, stayed with me the whole time and drove me home afterwards. She did not have to do that and I was so touched. She is a sweetheart. And it's not the first time she's been so sweet to me, she's forver doing little and big things to help me out. I think she's wonderful.

So back to the eye. It's rejection. My bollucksy body has taken over a year to realize "Wait a lick, this isn't me!" and is now slightly rejecting my transplanted cornea. Ok, it's not catastrophic. I have been through it before and the doctor was not terribly worried. He prescribed these drops that I once had to take ages ago. I have to take them six times a day and then go back and see him in a week. So we're not panicking yet, it should be fine. Already it feels much better and its only been half a day.

So I was a little worried because the student insurance I am on says it does not cover dental or vision. So I was in a bit of a panick as I was half-expecting to pay out my bum for the consult with the doctor. Thank goodness he found something because had he been like, "oh it's nothing at all, it will clear up in a bit. That'll be five million dollars please," I would have gone round the bend. But no, thankfully he found something.

And they took my insurance, SHOCK HORROR. I was pleased as punch to be quite honest. Apparently it was a medical thing, not so much a vision thing like contacts or glasses. So they took my insurance and though the bill still hurt my heart a bit ($161) I was glad I wasn't paying out the bum. Brilliant. The drops (ONE DOZEY BOTTLE MIND YOU) was nearly $30 and buggery Walgreens does not ake my insurance. Ugh. But it's ok, I'm just grateful I am fine and that God has been watching out for me though I am the VERY LAST PERSON on earth to deserve any sympathy from him. I love God though. Not only because he's there for me when even I'm not, but because he's constant.

So Back and Forth again. FB is practically married to open-relationship-girlfriend. Nothing has happened but I realize this. I am feeling better now that I have been away from him for a couple of nights. I was....oh alright, I AM... very worried of the prospect of not finding someone and dying alone or at least going through most of life alone and not liking it. Some people can do it, no problem. But I dunno if I can. I always thought I could, before I got involved with dating. And now I'm not so sure. Malaika (the other one, not me) said I will not be able to cut FB off without moving or finding a replacement. She's right I know. But honestly.

New Guy from Phoenix never got back to me again. I take it he was as disinterested in me as I was in him. Hmmn. Too bad for my cousin really, she was so looking forward to us hitting it off. But we didn't. I rather relieved though. I am knackered with men right now. And knackered of talking about them. So let's stop then shall we.

Bleh.

I am so sick of the kids that come into the store on Sunday nights. Perhaps I am just irritable when I have to work this late but they seem a little more annoying on Sunday nights. Overly enthusiastic and they roam around the store for ages chatting. Buy something and get out. Goodness.

Lol. OK so I am a little irritable.

I went to a Christians on Campus retreat today. Technically it was all weekend but I had the distinguished alumni gala I was invited to last night so I opted just to attend today's meetings.

I liked the retreat. I was dozing because I had to get up at six something so we could get on the road and make the morning meeting. It was an hour away. Plus I had a bit of a late night with FB last night. He was working the gala and I was attending.

It was super fancy dress. I was a little apprehensive about the whole fancy dress thing. I almost didn't buy a dress and was going to wear some frock out of my closet. Thank goodness my guardian angel is a fashionista and on top of her game. Lol. And my girlfriend B from C.O.C. was so sweet and took me to go look for one.

We were expecting the cheapest to be a dress on sale for $40 or $60, it was fancy dress afterall. Like super fancy dress, prom style. So we go to Windsor and are looking around and we came upon a dress that looked dangerously close to my bridesmaid dress from Red's wedding. But the material was not bridesmaidsy and I was partial to a red dress for some reason. It was floor length and cute. And marked $140. Hmmn.

SO there was a 50% off sale and it was on the sales rack and was already marked down but we weren't sure if it was half off the original or the new price and when we asked, SHOCK HORROR the saleslady said it was $15. It took a while for us to understand this but when we did we were chuffed. Then we saw that it was a size 4. Bugger. I'm not a four. But I tried it on anyway for kicks and giggles. It fit like a dream. What are the odds china? I mean really.

So I was chuffed, I had shoes and bought accesories (twice as much as the dress) and that was sorted.

Friday night I spent with FB. Ya, I know. Whatev. We got up late Saturday. Real late. He had to be at work and I had to get ready. So I was wondering what to do with my hair granted it is in a weave and I am not at home with the weave look. So I did spiral curls and put diamond (fake, durr) clips in it to disguise the bits where the tracks jutt out a bit.

Remind me never to do weaves again. They are not me.

Anyway I figured it all out and went to the gala. FB was in a suit. I have never seen him in a full suit. I have seen him in fancy shirt and tie (gorgeous) but never in a full suit. I was in heels so I was slightly taller than him which was awkward.

I knew one person at the entire shindig. And she had to know everyone there so I was so awkward. I hated it. I didn't have a date because I was told I could bring one short notice and all of my friends here were busy or didn't have fancy dress or went out of town. So I went all by my lonesome. It was....slightly tragic. I walked around at the champagne reception alone except for a few times I struck up convo with some people. And of course a few time FB came to chat me up.

Then they lost my reservation or whatever. I was invited by my scholarship sponsor and figured I would be sitting at his table. They could not find my name and then stuck me at a random table in the corner in the back. And there were two women who knew each other and a couple and an empty chair on either side of me. Tragedy. I looked rather pathetic and everything took so bloody long I must have read the programme eight million times nefore dinner arrived.

And then I had to sit through an hour of the award recipients' speeches and by the end of it all I was just knackered and wanted to go home. FB had gotten off early and went to hang out at my place until I was done. He picked me up after it all and we watched TV and spent the night together and then had to be up early so I could get ready. I almost didn't want to go but he forced me to get up and I'm glad I did. The meeting was nice.

We were talking about the New Jerusalem which was funny becuz me and B are going through revelation this semester and so it was perfect. The one thing that stuck out the most for me was when the guy said that we have "boldness in the blood" and not to depend on our feelings. I have been feeling extra far away from God because of my sins. I feel like there is a layer of filth between me and true enjoyment of the Lord. And so I have been waiting until it "felt right" whatever that means. But I was encouraged because I have boldness in the blood. It's not my mistakes or situations or feelings but the blood. When the Spirit of God saw the blood over the homes of the children of Israel, he passed over them. I have the blood of Jesus despite my transgressions. That is not to say I can do whatever I want. I must truly repent of my sins and stop them. I need to cut FB out of my life despite how much my heart (or something inside me anyway) aches for him and how alone I feel and how afraid that that loneliness will last forever I am.

I am a work in progress. I understand I am still young but I am meant to grow up too, not bask in youthful ignorance.

I spent the weekend with FB practically and it was great at the time but I know it was wrong and not what God wants for me. I know I am behaving hypocritically. I am trying to wrap my brain around this. I know I am addicted to him but I need to extract him from my soul.

I know he cares about me. TO AN EXTENT. Thats the key. It is not that he does not care about me like I wanted so badly to believe. That is what makes it so hard. I know he is not pretending. But I know that he does not care enough for me and not in the way I want him to. He will never. And it is hard to accept that because he is under my skin kind of. Tragic I know.

You will know I am on the path of recovery when EVERY SINGLE POST does not involve him. Lol. I am trying guys, I truly am.

Dashed yet again

So the almost-excitement over the new guy has turned to crap. Lol. I really was not into him even after spending an hour on the phone with him but still I was mildly put out when he didn't return an email I shot him out of courtesy. I understand busy. Busy runs through my veins. But I am only mildly disappointed. Thats not good is it? Hmmn.

So why is it when I am all gung-ho about moving on, making a fresh start and getting my act together, FB decides he wants to be sweet again? I know its a sick little dance between us. He feels me slipping away and oh-no-we-can't-have-that. So he does something nice.

Por ejemplo this Saturday. I was at work all day and I was just generally off his scent as I had had the distraction of the new kid on the phone the night before. So I was ready to get on and suck it in and cut off. I have tried slow cut off. Didn't work. Tried blunt cut off. Didn't work. He has some strong voodoo.

So anyway back to Saturday. I was at work and generally irritated with him. he wanted to hang out and I was really teetering on calling him and saying I had changed my mind and did not feel up to it. Why I didn't, I dunno. Mixed emotions. Damn.

So he came over with two movies and a bottle of wine. After half a glass I was so sleepy and goofy. I was sleeping halfway throught the movie and he thought it was funny. I acted a little more "gone" than I was. So He was babying me. He called me baby twice (purely habit I'm sure) and he held me all night and he kissed me. Nothing else happened and it was nice for nothing else to have happened.

I felt really good the next morning. Wanted him to stay all day but he was only there till midday. Ok. It was sweet and nice and innocent. And felt so....I dunno.

But it was off. I mean, now that I have not been with him (alone that is) for a few days, I am going back down. The crash after the high right?

And I try to cut him off and whenever I get the motivation and the drive, he dashes it with one fell swoop. Lol.

I need to get out of this city. I am going bananas. I am truly going bananas.

Ugh.

Mark Anthony

So my cousin is bent on setting me up with this guy she met at her job in phoenix this week. I thought she was being silly and joking around.

Um. No. She showed him my picture, told him all sorts of things about me (basically advertising me, lol) and then she gave me his number and bugged me all week till I called him last night.

I was irritated at first because the last thing I want to deal with right now is another guy you know? I have had enough emotional drainage to last me a year in the past few months and I felt I need time to get my act together and learn from my foolishness.

But I called him anyway and we talked for over an hour. I dunno if that means we connected or if it means we are good at small chat. Lol. Anyway, so I talked to him and he seems like a nice guy but I can not really gauge anything over the phone. I'm not sure.

I might be going over there for Thanksgiving and my cousin wants me to meet him. She is really, really adamant about it. I am still wary of even just making friends with guys but then again I think the good in all this is that it has gotten my mind off Flower Bandit for a short while. Plus Flower Bandit is leaving for a month November 2nd. So I figure the more time I spend away from him and the more I have to think about other than him the better right? Then I can move on right?

I dunno, I am confused and a little annoyed but I am trying to live and not be stuck where I am right now. I don't want a boyfriend and I do. Just not Flower Bandit anymore. I am tired of him and the guilt I feel and the constant back and forth crap. I need to move on and I am already flinching because despite its superficial nature, this is one band aid that is going to hurt a little when ripped off.

So. Mark Anthony. He's 28. Hmmn.

He is a computer sales something or another. I forgot already. He got a degree in international business though. He is apparently very handsome. That is not always a good thing but I am being open here. He is articulate (whatever the hell that means) and played college basketball. I dunno.

I won't write him off but I am not terribly enthusiastic about meeting new people right now. But anything to get my mind off depressing things right?

AY. What have I gotten myself into now?

Irony of ironies, I am hanging out with Flower Bandit tonight. I hate me sometimes.

Query

Is it possible for a man to sleep with a woman and from then on see her as anything more than just a sex partner? If they had not established a deep foundation initially before they shagged, then won't he always associate her with sex? I mean, isn't that what makes easy girls easy? Are they all just uber horny or are they just automatically viewed as sex partners because they have had sex with a guy they were not in a serious relationship with?

I know I am not making much sense but I am confused. My mind tells me to reject any notion that a guy I have slept with will ever see me as anything significant. I mean, how can he right?

Sex is evil. Evil. Lol.

Alright. Maybe thats harsh. But I am thinking a lot about this. I mean, I behaved in a sluttastic manner. And I can not help but obsess over this because I have no idea who the person looking back at me in the mirror is. Who the heck are you and what happened to the sweet smart girl you once were?

He wants to hang out. As friends. He says he cares about me. But how can he? I'm sorry. I am not over the fact that I am not a virgin anymore. I am devastated and I know I need to accept it an d get over it. But this is not me. I don't act like this.

Oh but you do. I did. I messed up. Big. And frequently. And I was wracked with guilt but not enough to stop. I am not who I would like to be. I know there is no point in lamenting and not acting. Act. Fix it.

Ok, this is all over the place. I know I mean nothing to him really. But how do I shut off the part in my brain that hopes for more. That hopes for redemption. Justification. Not so much wanting him. But wanting not to be THAT GIRL.

I am that girl aren't I though? Hmmn.

Innocence was lost and I cant forget. The worst thing I ever did to myself was compromise myself. And I have yet to apologize myself.

And yet I dunno how to end it. I mean, I try over and over again to cut him off completely. Then he makes me feel guilty and I relent. Then he goes on acting like a dick again once he knows he is no longer on my block list. Until I block him again and it all starts all over. I am exhausted kids. I have been tired. What has to give for me to stop brutalizing my spirit?

God. You love me despite myself. I have strayed so far from you that every path I think will lead me back to you ends up being a dead end. I don't even know how to find you anymore. And I am dangerously close to not knowing how to recognize you anymore. When you come to find me and save me form myself, I look at you and wonder who you are. You stretch out your hand to me but I am afraid to grasp it because my discernment is so bad and I am so blinded that I am not sure it is you.

But I know in my heart of hearts that there is something inside of me that can not turn from you forever. I am drawn to you. I am desperate for you though my behavior says the opposite. I need you and so I still seek you deep, deep down inside. But I want to seek you all day. All week. All year. All my life. I don't want to justify my sins, but instead I want to be genuine. I do want what you want. I just need the worldly side of me to be silenced because it is drowning you out.

And there you have the contents of my heart at the moment.

AFRICOM

An article by BBC reporter Daniel Gordon caught my interest today. American Imperialism or the pseudo-recolonization of Africa? I'm not convinced I just used that phrase correctly, but since I made it up, no worries. I digress.

Lol. Hmmn, let's see:

US Africa Command - a unit designed to run all of America's military operations in Africa - opened for business this month.

Africom takes over the work currently done by three different command centres, all of them based outside Africa. While it is stationed in Germany for now, there has been a hostile reaction from many African countries to the idea of such a major US military installation moving onto African soil.

And then.....:

The Bush administration insists there's nothing sinister about the Africom initiative.

According to US Under-Secretary of Defence Ryan Henry, it amounts merely to the redeployment of a few hundred personnel.

"All we're doing is realigning that to put it under a single commander, so that we have somebody who is making an attempt to work with Africans on a day-in and day-out basis, rather than three different commanders who have their priorities in other places."

Patronizing? Dunno yet. Already the little African in me is squirming uncomfortably at this. I feel as though I am meant ot be in a cage, swinging from branches just now, but let's don't be hasty, it's still early days yeah?

Let's go on.....:

But not everyone is convinced.

Salim Lone, a columnist for a daily newspaper in Kenya, believes the creation of Africom is a milestone in US foreign policy - and that the fact Mr Bush is advertising it as a kind of panacea for Africa proves that the only future engagement the US plans for Africa is a military one.

"It will militarize society," he says.

"The military now is going to be working with civil society, to promote health and education.

"Africa is going to look at all its development efforts through the lens of the Pentagon. That's a truly dangerous dimension. We don't need militarization of Africa, we don't need securitization of aid and development in Africa."

Well what exactly do we need then? I'm a little bit on the fence on this point but I haven't done intensive research so I must limit my comments for now I suppose.

Ok, last bit....:

Meanwhile, Helmut Heitman says the US is not the only foreign power trying to secure its grip on the region; the difference is others are more covert in the way they're going about it.

"I think China, India and to a lesser extent Brazil will try to expand their interests in Africa," he says.

"But they won't do things as obviously. I think they will only be indirectly involved militarily, by supporting their favoured government, opposition group or warlord."

Hmmn. That is true, especially in Zim right now. Asian Invasion anyone? I'm not degrading and deriding, just stating fact with a somewhat crass cliche.

I was riveted by the creation of Africom, which I had not heard of up until today. Sad, I know but I've been busy lately.

AFRICOM. That sounds like a corporation. It sounds sinister. I am wary of this.

Am I too defensive? Could this truly be aid and not imperialism encroaching on African soil once again?

Why are Africans so stupid I wonder? Why do we watch this all happening and then gape in horror when the few of us with balls (I know, "language Miss Nhema!") become dictatorial and screw us over? We are getting screwed from both ends.

Foolish, foolish Africans.

The job hunt begins.....

And it sucks. I hate everything right now. Go figure. Lol.

Question for the Ages

How tragic would it be if I fell in love with him?

Pretty darn tragic thats how.

Life sux something foul right now.

Thats all I gots ta say.