Michael

When is it going to stop hurting? When will I stop missing you so much? I have tried to move on but every day I get a lump in my throat and realize you are no more.

You were the sweetest smile I had ever seen. You were the gentlest soul. You were the coolest guy. The most generous heart. With the saddest eyes but it vanished when your face lit up with a smile. I truly fell deeply and madly in love with you the first day I met you when I was only three years old. Even then, I truly loved you beyond the confines of the word. I loved you down to my bones. I loved you with all my heart. You were the greatest and watched you in awe and amazement. My hero. My husband. Lol. I kissed that Thriller LP every morning before I did anything else. I insisted that everyone call me Mrs. Michael Jackson even as a tiny little thing, I was convinced I was your Pretty Young Thing. I was also convinced that in "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough" in one of the verses you said my name. Of course you didn't. You were saying something else but every time it comes on I sing my name anyway.

I never knew you but I knew that you were out there making my world better and it was a comfort. It was what I pulled around me when it got cold and lonely. I would say to myself, at least I still have Michael. When I was the new kid over and over again I slipped on my headphones and dissolved all those feelings of loneliness and fear with the sound of your voice and the beat. I took the jokes and let the other kid make fun of me. Obviously they didn’t know any better. You were the greatest and I didn’t care who knew about my devotion to you. I treated your CD's like treasures. Never packed with anything else and kept in pristine condition and with doubles because I listened to them so much I scratched them but I still saved the scratched ones. I lit up when your voice or your beat came on. No matter how bad I felt. You made me love music more than anything else. You made me believe that music made everything ok. You introduced me to the dance. You taught me how to move and how to love through dance and through song. I was waiting for the day that somehow God would answer my prayers and I would get to shake your hand and kiss your cheek. I cried when they spoke ill of you. I hurt when you hurt. I knew they didn't understand and they didn't care to. But I sent you my love everyday and hoped you felt it.

And now you're gone.

Those that knew you suffer a deeper more shattering pain than I think I ever will but don't misjudge my broken heart. My world has lost its music and I cannot seem to will myself to stop crying daily over you. You are gone. Why did you leave? Why can't I let you go? I know you deserve to rest. You always worked so hard. But I am going to miss you more than I have missed anyone in my life before. I just wanted you to know how much I am hurting inside and how I miss you so. Oh Michael, I miss you so much I may just explode from the pain. But I prayed you would meet God and know him and that He counted you among his own.

Lord, take care of this gentle spirit and soothe his tired soul.

May you sing with the angels and keep smiling that beautiful smile. I miss you. And my heart is aching. But most important of all, wanted to tell you that I love you. Truly and deeply I love you.

He Lied

It shouldn't matter because it was a while ago and I know the situation right now between us but a long time ago I asked him. He said nothing was going on. Nothing. He said over and over and would even get mad at me when I brought it up as if it were my fault, my obsession. But all the while he knew.

And as I found out he had been lying to my face, my whole body went hot and cold at the same time. I felt lightheaded and dizzy and I felt betrayed. He claims we are close. Best friends. I wish he didn't because we are not. We are no better than just friends and I wish he would just act that way and not hurt me like he does. Over and over and over again. How could I have been so stupid. I am sick and I can't even get away from it this weekend. I feel sick to my heart. I got let down and betrayed again. And I was used and am being used right now. That's what I get I suppose.

I hurt. I hurt so much and I feel so terribly alone. And I had already been grieving hard the past two weeks and now this. He lied. After everything. He still lied and continues to lie. And I know I should have gotten out a long long time ago. Despite the friendship. Because really, what more am I than a distraction and an affirmation of some sort. I am no friend. I am simply a pawn. And honey, you best believe you were played like a chess game.

Men Fail

Apparently 'tis' the season to be a douche bag if you're a man.

One of my co-workers gave me the title to today's post. We were not having a male-bashing session as you would expect. That is just bitter and ignorant I think. I don't subscribe to sitting around talking about everything that is wrong with the male species. I mean come on, no one has that kind of time. Lol, don't get knicker in a twist guys, kidding! But guys, you are not helping your cause here at all.

I am not saying ALL guys are bad but lately all the women I know who are in relationships are having issues with these guys who are acting like complete assclowns. Yeah I said it assclowns. So we were discussing just what a crap week a few of the girls we know have had with their blokes and my co worker in exasperation just exclaimed "You know, men fail." Lol.

I just thought it was the funniest thing ever.

Not all guys suck and not all girls rock. I'm adult enough to realize this. But this one is for the douche bags out there. You know who you are. If you feel those defensive emotions rising up in your chest and you want to cut off my arms and beat me with them, then this one's for you kiddo.

Stop being a prat to your girlfriend. just knock it off already it's not cute and makes you look like a jerk. I'm just letting you know to help you out. Honest.

If your girl is not a douchette, then stop treatin her like all the things she does for you are expected. I understand it is almost summer time and the 'other prospects' are looking better and better to you but honestly look at yourself and be honest with yourself. Are you really that fantastic that you can get whatever you want whenever you want it? Nope. You are probably out of your league already.

So. Moral of this story? Stop being a douche. It sucks and hrts and once you realize that girl was the most amazing thing you ever had, it'll be too late.

Proper Help

My first session with proper psychologist. Lol, ok don't freak out. I haven't gone round the bend. I am just sussing out what is going on with me and trying to get out of this funk.

I'm being proactive in my well being. That is a good thing right? No more sitting about lamenting about how depressed I am. Lol.

SoI had no clue what to even say. I'm sad all the time? No, that's not quite true is it? I suppose I go through my episodes and that is when I write the most. Lol But really, it is just life being life isn't it? I mean what could I possibly have wrong with me that other people are not dealing with right?

Truth be told, I made the appointment during a particularly sad time and so it seemed like I would implode if I didn't talk to someone whose job it is to fix broken people like me. But I have been steady this week so when I walked in I really had nothing to say. I know I have some deep seated stuff but I was really feeling quite foolish complaining about my life.

I did however. Apparently I am self-loathing. Lol. I dunno why that is funny to me but it is. It may quite possibly be true too. Ugh. I dunno. I am hoping this will help me deal with my demons and move on. If not, I look really silly gushing about my life.

Work in Progress.

Blank Canvas

Every time I try and get on here to write something, I don't have anything to write anymore. I'm a writer for crying in a bucket. It's all I'm really good at an I am not even good at it anymore.

I'm seeing a counselor. Tomorrow. I was meant to see one yesterday but some other patient of his had a bit of a meltdown and so they rescheduled me. I don't mind, I'm not a danger to myself or others. I am just so.....

That is the main problem. I can't write and I am nervous about seeing this counsellor because I don't know what to say anymore. About anything. The scariest thing for a writer is to run out of things to say and I am afraid I have. I don't know what went horribly wrong or when but I lost my mojo and I have no idea where I lost it or who to talk to about getting it back. Bugger.

I seem to be a blank canvas these days. Well, that might not be the most accurate way to put it. I am just blank. Inside. That is not a great way to be is it? I can't even put my feelings accurately into words. I'm not even sure if it is a sadness or just a laxness of spirit. I don't even know what that means to be honest, just my brain spitting out ideas I guess.

You want to know what the strangest thing of it all is? I feel like I am going through this shift. My body is chaging, my mind is changing and my attitude is very pale. Not even grey, because that implies some kind of emotion. Pale. And I got woried that this is how I am and so I booked an appointment with someone. The only thing is, I have no idea what I am going to say. I hav visions of me sitting there staring into this concerned face and not having clue where to start. I don't know if I have a problem. I don't know if I am sad. I don't know anything. I just know that all is not well. Before, it was just depression or sadness and loneliness or unexplained euphoria. Lol. This blog is a testament to that. But at this point, I'm very lost as to what to do with myself.

The fact that I can sit here and write all this nothing down about the nothingness I feel is rather funny. But my emotions are a bit short circuited if that makes sense. It's almost as if someone came and stole my soul and I am just this shell that exists. Ugh. That is such crap.

WHATS HAPPENING TO ME?!!!!

I was never happy-go-lucy all the time but I had a bit of soul to me. Peice by peice it has just gone away and I feel like I'm on anti-depressants. You know when people just flatline emotionally and become robots. But the kicker is, I am AWARE that I'm turning to mush and it bothers me.

Oh. My body is changing and that is D E P R E S S I N G. It used to be that at night, while I sleep, my body would heat up so much, like I was on fire. Touching my skin would be dangerous. It had to do with my metabolism kicking into overdrive at night. It is partly why I have been skinny all my life. But now that doesn't happen anymore and I am gaining weight. In all the wrong places. Lol. I have belly rolls. How gross is it to see a skinny person with belly rolls. Granted they aren't really that bad, mostly bad posture on my part, but still. My belly is not flat anymore and I am gaining weight. Ugh. That thought just scares me because I do not want to be one of those women who goes from super skinny to big and....well big. I know it is superficial but I have never had to worry about weight too much before.

I'm rambling. I know.

I just feel very pale and I wish I could snap out of it and rejoin life again. Find some joy or meaning in it again.

But for now I suppose I will have to settle for blank.