Always a bridesmaid.....

I had a relatively good night last night. I went to the home meeting with C.O.C. last night with Bethany. It is starting to get a little cooler out so they were planning on having a fire in the "fire pit" as they say here, and making smores. Lol. Anyway I don't always hang out with these kids. At first I thought they were just really kind of wierd but they have grown on me and they are really sweet. I loved being around people who were just having fun. I realized I haven't done that in a long while. I have not had time to just be preoccupied with other people and share and enjoy. It was really nice and I didn't think of depressing things all night, just had fun and was around people.

I realize that a lot of my problems here stem from how reclusive I seem to have become. I go home and watch TV till I fall asleep. I have dinner by myself and I do all things alone when I am not at school or work. And I realized that my lack of a core of friends is why I get so down and perhaps why I placed so much emphasis on my relationship with FB. I know that I want someone of my own. But I suppose I was.......dare I say it......a little desperate for companionship, I was hell bent on making it work with FB. Except I am a bit of an attention whore. I am awfully quiet usually and don't act like it, but I crave attention. I want to be special to someone. Well, to everyone. I realize the immaturity of this but hey, I'm working on it. Promise. And the problem was that I wasn't special at all to him. Not his fault, just a fact of life I suppose.

Anyway last night I realized that if I had close friends to occupy my time, I wouldn't get so caught up in misery. I miss my girls from Georgia. The one goodthing that came out of Georgia, lol. I miss them and wish we could be together again. A girl needs her girlfs. She simply does.

Speaking of girlfs, guess who has been solicited to be a bridesmaid AGAIN? Thats right. Yours truly. It's my girlf from Iran. Well, she's Zimbo too but our parents worked together in Iran and thats where we met and she is here in the states a few states away from me. I went to her graduation a little while ago. Ya, her. She's getting married.

I feel bad because it hit me like a ton of bricks. I mean I suppose we had not been talking much and certainly not about what goes on in her love life. So when she called me this week and told me she was getting married to the love of her life, her prince charming, I was needless to say, speechless.

I'm happy for her. I truly am. She has been through a lot with guys and now she found a Christian man she can be madly in love with. Apparently his family is quite the big deal back home so this will be somewhat of a high-profile wedding. And it'll be back home. This August. And she wants me to be a bridesmaid. Hmmn.

I want to go simply because I feel honored she asked me I mean who am I that people want me to be a part of their weddings? I feel honored. I do.

But how can you be truly 100% happy for someone who has found their prince charming when your love life is a cause of misery to you? If I were just single and lonely, thats one thing. But here I have been having a really tough week and it just coincided with her happy news. I have stayed away from FB this week. I have said no to him and I have spent a couple of nights waiting for the darkness to be pushed away by the light of day. Nighttime is the hardest because I can't shut my mind off and I think and then I cry. I am purging. I have started to before but this time I am determined. I hope I make it this time. Anyway, so this week was bad for me and I began thinking about her love and how she prayed for him and God provided him. OK, i don't presume to know the mind of God and if His hand is truly on this but she seems so certain and who am I to question that? I hope it really is God because she deserves love like that. Everyone does. Well, maybe not EVERYONE, lol.

I am just rambling now. But her happiness shed light on my desolation. I am clinging onto a very thin sliver of hope that there is a man out there for me. I just don't really see it right now. If I am to be honest, I don't. But I can't stop my heart hoping right? I am coming to a crucial time in my life with graduation round the bend and I am scared. Not just the "finding a job" thing but the whole "please don't let me go through life like this" thing. I'm 23. That is young but also old at the same time ifthat makes any sense. I know loads of people who find love later in life but I don't want to. I want love when I am young. Selfish I know but it is what I want.

But I know I have to submit to God's plan and had I not stuffed it up with my adventures with all the wrong men, I probably would not feel as I do now. Maybe I wouldn't. Who's to know though right?

Why can't I stop talking about love for goodness sakes? What is wrong with me? Lol.

Oh bugger.

Right.

Was attempting to change my template so it would not look quite so morbid. I'm afraid that now I don't know what I have done and I can't fix it just yet.

Bugger, bugger, bugger.

Ay!

Or should I say "eye!"

More eye issues. Bugger.

So my eye has been slightly painful and very sensative to light for the past week. I was hoping it would go away on its own but with my track record I should have known it was something rather serious. So I went to the opthamologist yesterday. It took me fifty forevers to find one in the area that was not booked until December. Who knew so many people had opthamologists ey? Anyway I finally found one and THANK GOD for my friend Bethany. She drove me there, stayed with me the whole time and drove me home afterwards. She did not have to do that and I was so touched. She is a sweetheart. And it's not the first time she's been so sweet to me, she's forver doing little and big things to help me out. I think she's wonderful.

So back to the eye. It's rejection. My bollucksy body has taken over a year to realize "Wait a lick, this isn't me!" and is now slightly rejecting my transplanted cornea. Ok, it's not catastrophic. I have been through it before and the doctor was not terribly worried. He prescribed these drops that I once had to take ages ago. I have to take them six times a day and then go back and see him in a week. So we're not panicking yet, it should be fine. Already it feels much better and its only been half a day.

So I was a little worried because the student insurance I am on says it does not cover dental or vision. So I was in a bit of a panick as I was half-expecting to pay out my bum for the consult with the doctor. Thank goodness he found something because had he been like, "oh it's nothing at all, it will clear up in a bit. That'll be five million dollars please," I would have gone round the bend. But no, thankfully he found something.

And they took my insurance, SHOCK HORROR. I was pleased as punch to be quite honest. Apparently it was a medical thing, not so much a vision thing like contacts or glasses. So they took my insurance and though the bill still hurt my heart a bit ($161) I was glad I wasn't paying out the bum. Brilliant. The drops (ONE DOZEY BOTTLE MIND YOU) was nearly $30 and buggery Walgreens does not ake my insurance. Ugh. But it's ok, I'm just grateful I am fine and that God has been watching out for me though I am the VERY LAST PERSON on earth to deserve any sympathy from him. I love God though. Not only because he's there for me when even I'm not, but because he's constant.

So Back and Forth again. FB is practically married to open-relationship-girlfriend. Nothing has happened but I realize this. I am feeling better now that I have been away from him for a couple of nights. I was....oh alright, I AM... very worried of the prospect of not finding someone and dying alone or at least going through most of life alone and not liking it. Some people can do it, no problem. But I dunno if I can. I always thought I could, before I got involved with dating. And now I'm not so sure. Malaika (the other one, not me) said I will not be able to cut FB off without moving or finding a replacement. She's right I know. But honestly.

New Guy from Phoenix never got back to me again. I take it he was as disinterested in me as I was in him. Hmmn. Too bad for my cousin really, she was so looking forward to us hitting it off. But we didn't. I rather relieved though. I am knackered with men right now. And knackered of talking about them. So let's stop then shall we.

Bleh.

I am so sick of the kids that come into the store on Sunday nights. Perhaps I am just irritable when I have to work this late but they seem a little more annoying on Sunday nights. Overly enthusiastic and they roam around the store for ages chatting. Buy something and get out. Goodness.

Lol. OK so I am a little irritable.

I went to a Christians on Campus retreat today. Technically it was all weekend but I had the distinguished alumni gala I was invited to last night so I opted just to attend today's meetings.

I liked the retreat. I was dozing because I had to get up at six something so we could get on the road and make the morning meeting. It was an hour away. Plus I had a bit of a late night with FB last night. He was working the gala and I was attending.

It was super fancy dress. I was a little apprehensive about the whole fancy dress thing. I almost didn't buy a dress and was going to wear some frock out of my closet. Thank goodness my guardian angel is a fashionista and on top of her game. Lol. And my girlfriend B from C.O.C. was so sweet and took me to go look for one.

We were expecting the cheapest to be a dress on sale for $40 or $60, it was fancy dress afterall. Like super fancy dress, prom style. So we go to Windsor and are looking around and we came upon a dress that looked dangerously close to my bridesmaid dress from Red's wedding. But the material was not bridesmaidsy and I was partial to a red dress for some reason. It was floor length and cute. And marked $140. Hmmn.

SO there was a 50% off sale and it was on the sales rack and was already marked down but we weren't sure if it was half off the original or the new price and when we asked, SHOCK HORROR the saleslady said it was $15. It took a while for us to understand this but when we did we were chuffed. Then we saw that it was a size 4. Bugger. I'm not a four. But I tried it on anyway for kicks and giggles. It fit like a dream. What are the odds china? I mean really.

So I was chuffed, I had shoes and bought accesories (twice as much as the dress) and that was sorted.

Friday night I spent with FB. Ya, I know. Whatev. We got up late Saturday. Real late. He had to be at work and I had to get ready. So I was wondering what to do with my hair granted it is in a weave and I am not at home with the weave look. So I did spiral curls and put diamond (fake, durr) clips in it to disguise the bits where the tracks jutt out a bit.

Remind me never to do weaves again. They are not me.

Anyway I figured it all out and went to the gala. FB was in a suit. I have never seen him in a full suit. I have seen him in fancy shirt and tie (gorgeous) but never in a full suit. I was in heels so I was slightly taller than him which was awkward.

I knew one person at the entire shindig. And she had to know everyone there so I was so awkward. I hated it. I didn't have a date because I was told I could bring one short notice and all of my friends here were busy or didn't have fancy dress or went out of town. So I went all by my lonesome. It was....slightly tragic. I walked around at the champagne reception alone except for a few times I struck up convo with some people. And of course a few time FB came to chat me up.

Then they lost my reservation or whatever. I was invited by my scholarship sponsor and figured I would be sitting at his table. They could not find my name and then stuck me at a random table in the corner in the back. And there were two women who knew each other and a couple and an empty chair on either side of me. Tragedy. I looked rather pathetic and everything took so bloody long I must have read the programme eight million times nefore dinner arrived.

And then I had to sit through an hour of the award recipients' speeches and by the end of it all I was just knackered and wanted to go home. FB had gotten off early and went to hang out at my place until I was done. He picked me up after it all and we watched TV and spent the night together and then had to be up early so I could get ready. I almost didn't want to go but he forced me to get up and I'm glad I did. The meeting was nice.

We were talking about the New Jerusalem which was funny becuz me and B are going through revelation this semester and so it was perfect. The one thing that stuck out the most for me was when the guy said that we have "boldness in the blood" and not to depend on our feelings. I have been feeling extra far away from God because of my sins. I feel like there is a layer of filth between me and true enjoyment of the Lord. And so I have been waiting until it "felt right" whatever that means. But I was encouraged because I have boldness in the blood. It's not my mistakes or situations or feelings but the blood. When the Spirit of God saw the blood over the homes of the children of Israel, he passed over them. I have the blood of Jesus despite my transgressions. That is not to say I can do whatever I want. I must truly repent of my sins and stop them. I need to cut FB out of my life despite how much my heart (or something inside me anyway) aches for him and how alone I feel and how afraid that that loneliness will last forever I am.

I am a work in progress. I understand I am still young but I am meant to grow up too, not bask in youthful ignorance.

I spent the weekend with FB practically and it was great at the time but I know it was wrong and not what God wants for me. I know I am behaving hypocritically. I am trying to wrap my brain around this. I know I am addicted to him but I need to extract him from my soul.

I know he cares about me. TO AN EXTENT. Thats the key. It is not that he does not care about me like I wanted so badly to believe. That is what makes it so hard. I know he is not pretending. But I know that he does not care enough for me and not in the way I want him to. He will never. And it is hard to accept that because he is under my skin kind of. Tragic I know.

You will know I am on the path of recovery when EVERY SINGLE POST does not involve him. Lol. I am trying guys, I truly am.

Dashed yet again

So the almost-excitement over the new guy has turned to crap. Lol. I really was not into him even after spending an hour on the phone with him but still I was mildly put out when he didn't return an email I shot him out of courtesy. I understand busy. Busy runs through my veins. But I am only mildly disappointed. Thats not good is it? Hmmn.

So why is it when I am all gung-ho about moving on, making a fresh start and getting my act together, FB decides he wants to be sweet again? I know its a sick little dance between us. He feels me slipping away and oh-no-we-can't-have-that. So he does something nice.

Por ejemplo this Saturday. I was at work all day and I was just generally off his scent as I had had the distraction of the new kid on the phone the night before. So I was ready to get on and suck it in and cut off. I have tried slow cut off. Didn't work. Tried blunt cut off. Didn't work. He has some strong voodoo.

So anyway back to Saturday. I was at work and generally irritated with him. he wanted to hang out and I was really teetering on calling him and saying I had changed my mind and did not feel up to it. Why I didn't, I dunno. Mixed emotions. Damn.

So he came over with two movies and a bottle of wine. After half a glass I was so sleepy and goofy. I was sleeping halfway throught the movie and he thought it was funny. I acted a little more "gone" than I was. So He was babying me. He called me baby twice (purely habit I'm sure) and he held me all night and he kissed me. Nothing else happened and it was nice for nothing else to have happened.

I felt really good the next morning. Wanted him to stay all day but he was only there till midday. Ok. It was sweet and nice and innocent. And felt so....I dunno.

But it was off. I mean, now that I have not been with him (alone that is) for a few days, I am going back down. The crash after the high right?

And I try to cut him off and whenever I get the motivation and the drive, he dashes it with one fell swoop. Lol.

I need to get out of this city. I am going bananas. I am truly going bananas.

Ugh.