Men Fail

Apparently 'tis' the season to be a douche bag if you're a man.

One of my co-workers gave me the title to today's post. We were not having a male-bashing session as you would expect. That is just bitter and ignorant I think. I don't subscribe to sitting around talking about everything that is wrong with the male species. I mean come on, no one has that kind of time. Lol, don't get knicker in a twist guys, kidding! But guys, you are not helping your cause here at all.

I am not saying ALL guys are bad but lately all the women I know who are in relationships are having issues with these guys who are acting like complete assclowns. Yeah I said it assclowns. So we were discussing just what a crap week a few of the girls we know have had with their blokes and my co worker in exasperation just exclaimed "You know, men fail." Lol.

I just thought it was the funniest thing ever.

Not all guys suck and not all girls rock. I'm adult enough to realize this. But this one is for the douche bags out there. You know who you are. If you feel those defensive emotions rising up in your chest and you want to cut off my arms and beat me with them, then this one's for you kiddo.

Stop being a prat to your girlfriend. just knock it off already it's not cute and makes you look like a jerk. I'm just letting you know to help you out. Honest.

If your girl is not a douchette, then stop treatin her like all the things she does for you are expected. I understand it is almost summer time and the 'other prospects' are looking better and better to you but honestly look at yourself and be honest with yourself. Are you really that fantastic that you can get whatever you want whenever you want it? Nope. You are probably out of your league already.

So. Moral of this story? Stop being a douche. It sucks and hrts and once you realize that girl was the most amazing thing you ever had, it'll be too late.

Proper Help

My first session with proper psychologist. Lol, ok don't freak out. I haven't gone round the bend. I am just sussing out what is going on with me and trying to get out of this funk.

I'm being proactive in my well being. That is a good thing right? No more sitting about lamenting about how depressed I am. Lol.

SoI had no clue what to even say. I'm sad all the time? No, that's not quite true is it? I suppose I go through my episodes and that is when I write the most. Lol But really, it is just life being life isn't it? I mean what could I possibly have wrong with me that other people are not dealing with right?

Truth be told, I made the appointment during a particularly sad time and so it seemed like I would implode if I didn't talk to someone whose job it is to fix broken people like me. But I have been steady this week so when I walked in I really had nothing to say. I know I have some deep seated stuff but I was really feeling quite foolish complaining about my life.

I did however. Apparently I am self-loathing. Lol. I dunno why that is funny to me but it is. It may quite possibly be true too. Ugh. I dunno. I am hoping this will help me deal with my demons and move on. If not, I look really silly gushing about my life.

Work in Progress.

Blank Canvas

Every time I try and get on here to write something, I don't have anything to write anymore. I'm a writer for crying in a bucket. It's all I'm really good at an I am not even good at it anymore.

I'm seeing a counselor. Tomorrow. I was meant to see one yesterday but some other patient of his had a bit of a meltdown and so they rescheduled me. I don't mind, I'm not a danger to myself or others. I am just so.....

That is the main problem. I can't write and I am nervous about seeing this counsellor because I don't know what to say anymore. About anything. The scariest thing for a writer is to run out of things to say and I am afraid I have. I don't know what went horribly wrong or when but I lost my mojo and I have no idea where I lost it or who to talk to about getting it back. Bugger.

I seem to be a blank canvas these days. Well, that might not be the most accurate way to put it. I am just blank. Inside. That is not a great way to be is it? I can't even put my feelings accurately into words. I'm not even sure if it is a sadness or just a laxness of spirit. I don't even know what that means to be honest, just my brain spitting out ideas I guess.

You want to know what the strangest thing of it all is? I feel like I am going through this shift. My body is chaging, my mind is changing and my attitude is very pale. Not even grey, because that implies some kind of emotion. Pale. And I got woried that this is how I am and so I booked an appointment with someone. The only thing is, I have no idea what I am going to say. I hav visions of me sitting there staring into this concerned face and not having clue where to start. I don't know if I have a problem. I don't know if I am sad. I don't know anything. I just know that all is not well. Before, it was just depression or sadness and loneliness or unexplained euphoria. Lol. This blog is a testament to that. But at this point, I'm very lost as to what to do with myself.

The fact that I can sit here and write all this nothing down about the nothingness I feel is rather funny. But my emotions are a bit short circuited if that makes sense. It's almost as if someone came and stole my soul and I am just this shell that exists. Ugh. That is such crap.

WHATS HAPPENING TO ME?!!!!

I was never happy-go-lucy all the time but I had a bit of soul to me. Peice by peice it has just gone away and I feel like I'm on anti-depressants. You know when people just flatline emotionally and become robots. But the kicker is, I am AWARE that I'm turning to mush and it bothers me.

Oh. My body is changing and that is D E P R E S S I N G. It used to be that at night, while I sleep, my body would heat up so much, like I was on fire. Touching my skin would be dangerous. It had to do with my metabolism kicking into overdrive at night. It is partly why I have been skinny all my life. But now that doesn't happen anymore and I am gaining weight. In all the wrong places. Lol. I have belly rolls. How gross is it to see a skinny person with belly rolls. Granted they aren't really that bad, mostly bad posture on my part, but still. My belly is not flat anymore and I am gaining weight. Ugh. That thought just scares me because I do not want to be one of those women who goes from super skinny to big and....well big. I know it is superficial but I have never had to worry about weight too much before.

I'm rambling. I know.

I just feel very pale and I wish I could snap out of it and rejoin life again. Find some joy or meaning in it again.

But for now I suppose I will have to settle for blank.

Sadder Than Blue

I wish I could take a pill and forget the last five years of my life.

They have been filled with heartache, pain and mistakes I can not take back. They say mistakes make you stronger and give you wisdom. I want to believe that with all my heart but in my case the truth is that my mistakes have ruined me. They have diminished my spirit and stolen my soul.

The memories haunt me and will not leave me in peace. They make me feel so worthless. I wish I could take them back but I know that my life will never be the same because of them. I never intended to be a misery. To let bitterness and pain destroy who I am. But somehow it happened.

I feel worthless to be perfectly honest with you. I feel like I have wasted the gift called life and it deserves to be given to someone else. I have spent the last 6 hours crying. I used to hate crying. But now it is all I do. I am filled with so much hurt and no matter how many tears I cry, I can't seem to wash it all away and start again.

I thought I knew better. I was the responsible one growing up. I thought things through and learned from mistakes other people made. I never thought I would destroy myself but I have. The last five years of my life have been the worst. I just acted. Four of them. Four.

I met Bigg when I first moved to the states for college. I did not like him initially but we developed a rapport and I began to like him. Then it became clear he didn't feel the same way and I was hurt and pushed away. Then I met B. At first B was just a way to get Bigg out of my head. It had never been serious with Bigg so it was fairly easy to forget. Then I began to fall a little for B. I knew he was interested in sex from the beginnning but I was not that kind of girl and did not have any experience in that area. But the more I liked him the more restless I got. And then B must have gotten bored with me. I moved, he moved and we talked a little less each time. And so I flew out to see him for a weekend. I was delusional and lonely and hurt. Mistake one.

I cried for weeks. I had lost myself in that moment and I didn't realize how much. Mo came along. I never truly liked him but needed someone to like me because my ego was hurt and I was lonely. I knew it was a mistake just giving him the time of day. But I did. And I figured I had lost myself anyway. Mistake Two.

I met "Jackson" later. I didn't really like him either, Again lonely and in need to be liked by someone. Mistake three. It makes me sick to just remember how cavalier mistakes two and three were. Sick to my stomach to even think of it.

And then the icing on the cake. FB. I didn't know too much about him at first. He worked with me and I needed to get Jackson away from me. I saw FB at work everyday and slowly I began to develop a harmless crush. It was kind of cute to be honest, But then I heard FB was in a three-year relationship with a virgin. And I heard FB was quite a bit older than me. So I was crushed in that schoolgirl kind of way and decided to forget him. But he began to call my phone and text message me and Facebook me and I could not stay away. And the crush became stronger. Oh I knew very well how wrong it was and I often asked God to forgive me. And then FB and I began hanging out pretty much everyday. Him and 3-year-open-relationship-girlfriend were having problems and he had moved out. I pretended not to like him. We continued to hang out a lot. Mistake Four. And I was only 23. It had been only 2 years since mistake one. I made four major life errors in 2 years. I could not believe it so I did not think about it.

But here is the worst part. Even though Bigg and B were the only ones I had ever liked, I fell in love with FB. Maybe I'm naive and foolish but I believed I was in love. And he was not. For the third time I had been rejected by someone I cared about deeply. This was the worst because I was deep in it and I had been hurting and he made me feel good and bad all at the same time.

The point is I look back on the last five years and just weep bitterly. I destroyed my life. With such ease. I destroyed it over romance. Ironically I had never been on a date until B. And I was 22 then. He was my first kiss. My first heartbreak. And FB was my second. And my biggest because right this minute I still love him.

And he wants to remain best friends which we kind of are. I can't get past it because he is still in my life. And my head hurts so bad right now because I have been crying all morning. Mourning my own death a few years ago when I gave my heart out like an idiot and saw it ripped apart over and over again.

So now I don't want it anymore. What good is a heart when it only breaks? What good is love to me if it can not be returned? What good am I if I don't want to join life.

I just feel like such a fool.

I wish I could take a pill and forget.

And I wish I could take a pill and be cleansed of my past. I wish I could be clean enough again to join God in heaven. Because I don't have anything left here. I let it all go with just one mistake. And now I'm tired and want an eternal sleep.

So why do I feel like, just like the other men in my life, you are rejecting me too God. I would understand why you would, but I don't understand why I still have hope if it is in vain. I want to be with You God. Away from this horrible place. Make me clean and take me away please.

Miss Him

So you are not gone.

I speak with you everyday. But something is very different.

I know I shouldn't care. I shouldn't care so much. But I do.

I feel empty and uncomfortable. I hate it.

He is right here but he seems gone form me. He isn't the way he used to be and I am losing him all over again.