I should be doing work right now but i figured a small little note to......well, no one actually reads this thing so, i guess a little note to nothingness and nobody, wouldn't hurt. I am having one of them days. I totally snapped at Bigg for no good reason. I have been in a funk all week and i dunno what has come over me but i am just being foul all over the show and i can't seem to stop. So i saw Bigg in the caf today. Ignored him and then when he spoke to me i completely bitched at him. Yeah, on these special days i am allowed to cuss a little. No i am not, i take it back. Sorry.
I called him while he was in class and apologized sincerely to his voicemail and told him to call me if he forgave me. He hasn't. i was such a jerk and i can not for the life of me tellu why. I did the same to Migsy yesterday, sort of. I just get these wierd waves of evil and i land in a funk and everything and everyone around me is just so irritating when in actuality i am the biggest irritation around.
On a lighter note Brent is cool. I love how he can make me laugh all the time. He just has this ability to make me laugh no matter what. I was messaging him while i was in bio class and he was on the bus on his way to NC for a few baseball games all weekend. He is so clever, which is what i like. And his humour is actually funny. I am still holding my breath for the catch. I have told everyone about him, as if we are actually dating or something. Hmmn. I think i may have counted my chickens before the eggs have hatched...or before....ah hell, i can't remember what the bloody saying is. I just dunno what to do with that one. The one thing i see being a snag is the whole sex thing. I do not want to lose my virginity to him but already i have gone further than i know i should. No, no nothing sinister, i am still....well.....me. But last time i spent the weekend with him, the only thing that kept me from crossing certain boundaries on the way to Orgasmoland was.....yes, well. We'll just assume we all know what i am talking about yeah? Anyway i doubt i will go too far in the next month and a half. I am off to Costa Rica this May, for the whole month and that is two weekends from now and i am not going to see him for a while. I wonder if he'll get bored with me and move on to the next. Who knows? Who cares? I do. Well, i care in any event. I am so lonely. Wow, that was the most pathetic statement of my life.
I have a "date" Saturday night. Shy Guy asked me out again and i said yes. Why not? I am not interested in him, but who knows? Maybe something might change. Besides, beggars have no right to be choosy. So we are going to see the new horror flick 'Amityville'. Fun. There's a lingirie party tomorrow night. E and P are going and J might too. I don't think i should. For one thing, Bigg will be there and i think i have permanently placed myself in his book of crazies-to-stay-the-hell-away-from. Plus, E will have her boy, P will have hers and J will too. I have nothing plus i am not like E, guys do not just feel convicted to move mountains to talk to me and i have nothing to wear. Can you see why i am so lonely? It's chronic and self-induced but i am trapped in it.
HELP ME SOMEONE. I NEED SO MUCH HELP.
Thursday, April 21
Thursday, April 7
flame
That's right boys and girls, i have a new flame. no not really but i have a guy......kinda sorta. I went back to Statesboro (i can never spell that right) this weekend and i spent it with B, essentially. I stayed at Pippa's....in theory but i spent most of my time with B. I was a little apprehensive because i am a telephone girlfriend. i mean i am cool over the phone but when it comes to real life, face to face situations, they tend to lose interest.....example: Bigg.
Anyway, anyway i digress. So i went to his game Saturday after spending most of the day at the open house at the university with P and L. It was bloody windy out there and i was convulsing so badly i looked epileptic. I'm sure those around me thought i was having some sort of seizure. It was a bloody long game. They won, but damn. So he came to me after the game and took me to dinner....we skipped the whole meet the dad thing....thank goodness. I think i would have been fne, but i did enjoy having him to myself for a while. So after dinner we rented THE VILLAGE (hmmmn...) and watched it in his apartment....in his room......on his bed. Ya.
I had my first real kiss....you know...the one that counts? It was absolutley delish. We made out. I mean hot and heavy. Ok, who the hell says that? Anyway, (she rolls her eyes) it was steamy and it got steamier and then it got really really hot. I mean he became the first person since my mother....who used to bathe me as a child..... to see me topless. Ya. Me. Topless. I know!!!!! We.....well in any event i had a very coming-of-age sort of night. No sex. But a lot went down. Not even oral sex cuz that's just gross (ya, so apparently i'm still like five years old).
Sunday he picked me up after his game and we hung out at his place and watched baseball (i dunno, don't ask me). We made out on his couch and then went to his room and made out some more. Then one thing led to another and.....kissing. Groping. Lotion. Hands. Naked man. Topless girl. Fun times. No sex again. Of course not, pah. I don't do the do. Not out of wedlock dahlings. But i didn't think i would do all that i did do. Even though we didn't do the do we did a lot to do with the do and it was dangerously close to doing the do but no one did anything or anyone.
Now we are cool and comfortable but the cynic in me is waiting to see what transpires and whether or not i should brace myself for another disappointment. Let's don't do this to ourselves. Oh but we must. Pah. Ok i am not feeling blogging tonight. I am detailess and it is late and my eyes are already closed. Goodnight my non-existent reader. Goodnight.
Anyway, anyway i digress. So i went to his game Saturday after spending most of the day at the open house at the university with P and L. It was bloody windy out there and i was convulsing so badly i looked epileptic. I'm sure those around me thought i was having some sort of seizure. It was a bloody long game. They won, but damn. So he came to me after the game and took me to dinner....we skipped the whole meet the dad thing....thank goodness. I think i would have been fne, but i did enjoy having him to myself for a while. So after dinner we rented THE VILLAGE (hmmmn...) and watched it in his apartment....in his room......on his bed. Ya.
I had my first real kiss....you know...the one that counts? It was absolutley delish. We made out. I mean hot and heavy. Ok, who the hell says that? Anyway, (she rolls her eyes) it was steamy and it got steamier and then it got really really hot. I mean he became the first person since my mother....who used to bathe me as a child..... to see me topless. Ya. Me. Topless. I know!!!!! We.....well in any event i had a very coming-of-age sort of night. No sex. But a lot went down. Not even oral sex cuz that's just gross (ya, so apparently i'm still like five years old).
Sunday he picked me up after his game and we hung out at his place and watched baseball (i dunno, don't ask me). We made out on his couch and then went to his room and made out some more. Then one thing led to another and.....kissing. Groping. Lotion. Hands. Naked man. Topless girl. Fun times. No sex again. Of course not, pah. I don't do the do. Not out of wedlock dahlings. But i didn't think i would do all that i did do. Even though we didn't do the do we did a lot to do with the do and it was dangerously close to doing the do but no one did anything or anyone.
Now we are cool and comfortable but the cynic in me is waiting to see what transpires and whether or not i should brace myself for another disappointment. Let's don't do this to ourselves. Oh but we must. Pah. Ok i am not feeling blogging tonight. I am detailess and it is late and my eyes are already closed. Goodnight my non-existent reader. Goodnight.
Thursday, March 31
Sunday, March 27
clubbin'
yeah, i went clubbing tonight. I don't usually do such, but Daniel and i drove down to Statesboro to see Pippa and hang out with her friends. They spent most of the afternoon getting drunk, no not really but they had a lot to drink, especially Daniel. He bought me this energy drink called full throttle and i swear that junk is liquid cocain or something, i was buzzed. Anyway they were drinking and we got ready to go out at around 10 something. I wore these four inch heels (bad move china) and there were about ten or twelve of us and we walked (they opted to walk since they claimed it wasn't far but it was in freakin Russia almost). We got there and it was free drinks till eleven. I had had one smirnoff triple black back at the house and Daniel got me a vodka tonic that i took two sips out of, i'm not much of a drinker. Anyway we were chillin and dancing and all that and suddenly this cute guy starts talking to Kina (one of Pippa's girls) and apparently he thought i was cute ( shock horror) and wanted to talk to me. When i went to the loo, as i was coming out he stopped me and asked my name and stuff. Then he asked me to dance and i obliged.
He raped me on the dancefloor. No, no...... it was a mutual rape. Not just sex, but rape. And i liked it. Seriously though, we were dancing intensely. I mean i was all up on him and stuff and he was grabbing my waist and all that, it was cool. I felt.....horny i'll admit, but it was nice. It really wasn't all that graphic because bear in mind it's still me here. But it was sexy and hot and sweaty. Then i think i broke my feet. I was in four inch heels and thank God for that arb country song they played which gave us black people a chance to sit down. We did and we talked for about an hour until i had to leave. He got my number and i got his and it was all gravy. He's called since and we talk almost every night briefly. He is a busy busy man. He needs a nickname. Oh, by the way he has officially replaced Bigg. I have no desire for Bigg whatsoever anymore. Which is probably due to the fact that i have this new distraction to keep my thoughts occupied and that is enough incentive to forget all about Bigg. He doesn't even phase me anymore, i like that. I am not telling anyone about this new guy though. Just my cuz Pippa, cuz she was there, plus Migsy cuz...well he's Migsy and Ru because she's my best friend. OK, that is still a lot but i am not telling just every random person, i am trying tokeep things in perspective.
Ok, so i lie. I mean i do TRY to keep things in perspective but i noticed something funny the other day. If me and this guy were to have a relationship that resulted in marriage or something, i would be Samantha Stevens, like the lady from Bewiched. Isn't that funny? No? Yeah i know that is psycho of me to think this about a guy i just met. Let me stop. I have a date with him this Saturday or Monday, depending on when i go down there again. I am scared he'll be disappointed. He thought i was cute then, but what if it was just the night, the atmosphere, the drinks. Ok so he wasn't drinking, but still. I am scared he'll think twice and decide i would be a good friend to have. That would suck. OK i am thinking way too hard about this, i need to get a grip. See, this is why i aint got no damn body.
He raped me on the dancefloor. No, no...... it was a mutual rape. Not just sex, but rape. And i liked it. Seriously though, we were dancing intensely. I mean i was all up on him and stuff and he was grabbing my waist and all that, it was cool. I felt.....horny i'll admit, but it was nice. It really wasn't all that graphic because bear in mind it's still me here. But it was sexy and hot and sweaty. Then i think i broke my feet. I was in four inch heels and thank God for that arb country song they played which gave us black people a chance to sit down. We did and we talked for about an hour until i had to leave. He got my number and i got his and it was all gravy. He's called since and we talk almost every night briefly. He is a busy busy man. He needs a nickname. Oh, by the way he has officially replaced Bigg. I have no desire for Bigg whatsoever anymore. Which is probably due to the fact that i have this new distraction to keep my thoughts occupied and that is enough incentive to forget all about Bigg. He doesn't even phase me anymore, i like that. I am not telling anyone about this new guy though. Just my cuz Pippa, cuz she was there, plus Migsy cuz...well he's Migsy and Ru because she's my best friend. OK, that is still a lot but i am not telling just every random person, i am trying tokeep things in perspective.
Ok, so i lie. I mean i do TRY to keep things in perspective but i noticed something funny the other day. If me and this guy were to have a relationship that resulted in marriage or something, i would be Samantha Stevens, like the lady from Bewiched. Isn't that funny? No? Yeah i know that is psycho of me to think this about a guy i just met. Let me stop. I have a date with him this Saturday or Monday, depending on when i go down there again. I am scared he'll be disappointed. He thought i was cute then, but what if it was just the night, the atmosphere, the drinks. Ok so he wasn't drinking, but still. I am scared he'll think twice and decide i would be a good friend to have. That would suck. OK i am thinking way too hard about this, i need to get a grip. See, this is why i aint got no damn body.
Monday, March 14
morbid thoughts of an insecure mind
i think that is what i am going to rename my blog. sounds deep eh? puh. i have successfully gotten to that point where i am so disgusted with my life i can do nothing but recount it all in the hopes that that age old method of venting is not just crap but actually works. i dunno.
i have nothinig to be mad about but i just am. it has nothing to do with my period or any feminine hormones so let's don't go down that dead end street k? As much as i promised myself not to dwell on 'big things' i must say that i think he has gotten a glimpse of me in the depths of my negativity. ok, see, i don't even know what the hell that means. he is avoiding me and it is because he thinks i am a hypocrite and a liar and he has no time for me. it doesn't bother me much that it is him that is regarding me this way, that does not upset me, sooner or later i must expect disappointment when dealing with matters of romance. but it is the fact that i can only hide myself for so long before people see it is a chirade and that the real me is not very nice.
i was bad company to Migsy today. He lost four pounds and called me when he got back from weight watchers and we had lunch/dinner at lillies. usually mondays when he has lost wieght are a celebration and usually i am genuinely happy that he is so happy. however today i was mean and unsupportive. i had no energy to be nice. it takes energy for me to smile and be nice to people and even then i am bad at it. i expend so much trying to be one thing and people do not even notice.
i have nothinig to be mad about but i just am. it has nothing to do with my period or any feminine hormones so let's don't go down that dead end street k? As much as i promised myself not to dwell on 'big things' i must say that i think he has gotten a glimpse of me in the depths of my negativity. ok, see, i don't even know what the hell that means. he is avoiding me and it is because he thinks i am a hypocrite and a liar and he has no time for me. it doesn't bother me much that it is him that is regarding me this way, that does not upset me, sooner or later i must expect disappointment when dealing with matters of romance. but it is the fact that i can only hide myself for so long before people see it is a chirade and that the real me is not very nice.
i was bad company to Migsy today. He lost four pounds and called me when he got back from weight watchers and we had lunch/dinner at lillies. usually mondays when he has lost wieght are a celebration and usually i am genuinely happy that he is so happy. however today i was mean and unsupportive. i had no energy to be nice. it takes energy for me to smile and be nice to people and even then i am bad at it. i expend so much trying to be one thing and people do not even notice.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)