Michael

When is it going to stop hurting? When will I stop missing you so much? I have tried to move on but every day I get a lump in my throat and realize you are no more.

You were the sweetest smile I had ever seen. You were the gentlest soul. You were the coolest guy. The most generous heart. With the saddest eyes but it vanished when your face lit up with a smile. I truly fell deeply and madly in love with you the first day I met you when I was only three years old. Even then, I truly loved you beyond the confines of the word. I loved you down to my bones. I loved you with all my heart. You were the greatest and watched you in awe and amazement. My hero. My husband. Lol. I kissed that Thriller LP every morning before I did anything else. I insisted that everyone call me Mrs. Michael Jackson even as a tiny little thing, I was convinced I was your Pretty Young Thing. I was also convinced that in "Don't Stop Till You Get Enough" in one of the verses you said my name. Of course you didn't. You were saying something else but every time it comes on I sing my name anyway.

I never knew you but I knew that you were out there making my world better and it was a comfort. It was what I pulled around me when it got cold and lonely. I would say to myself, at least I still have Michael. When I was the new kid over and over again I slipped on my headphones and dissolved all those feelings of loneliness and fear with the sound of your voice and the beat. I took the jokes and let the other kid make fun of me. Obviously they didn’t know any better. You were the greatest and I didn’t care who knew about my devotion to you. I treated your CD's like treasures. Never packed with anything else and kept in pristine condition and with doubles because I listened to them so much I scratched them but I still saved the scratched ones. I lit up when your voice or your beat came on. No matter how bad I felt. You made me love music more than anything else. You made me believe that music made everything ok. You introduced me to the dance. You taught me how to move and how to love through dance and through song. I was waiting for the day that somehow God would answer my prayers and I would get to shake your hand and kiss your cheek. I cried when they spoke ill of you. I hurt when you hurt. I knew they didn't understand and they didn't care to. But I sent you my love everyday and hoped you felt it.

And now you're gone.

Those that knew you suffer a deeper more shattering pain than I think I ever will but don't misjudge my broken heart. My world has lost its music and I cannot seem to will myself to stop crying daily over you. You are gone. Why did you leave? Why can't I let you go? I know you deserve to rest. You always worked so hard. But I am going to miss you more than I have missed anyone in my life before. I just wanted you to know how much I am hurting inside and how I miss you so. Oh Michael, I miss you so much I may just explode from the pain. But I prayed you would meet God and know him and that He counted you among his own.

Lord, take care of this gentle spirit and soothe his tired soul.

May you sing with the angels and keep smiling that beautiful smile. I miss you. And my heart is aching. But most important of all, wanted to tell you that I love you. Truly and deeply I love you.