All The Things I Could Do.... If I Had A Little Money

Money Money Money........

Must Be Funny.....

In the Rich Man's World.

In my world it is not funny at all. So tuition was due last Friday. I have not paid it. I have no dosh. Barely enough for rent. They have a nasty habit of dropping people who do not pay on time. It is the last bit of the semester. Being dropped after all the money I have paid and all the work I have done would be devastating to say the very least. I would want to cry my eyeballs out.

I asked my uncle for a loan.

Most embarassing thing I have ever had to do. I feel so bad for asking but I had no other options right now. I feel bad enough mum is liquidating her securities just to help me out when they need the dosh waaaay more than I do. Its not fair I tell you.

I hope I get this new job. Had second interview today. Only thing about this job is that they pay once a month. Lol. Its still more than I make now but once. So wow.

Ah.

Money Money Money.......

Always Sunny.......

In the Rich Man's World.

Caged Bird

I have an interview for a secretarial position tomorrow. I should be picking out my outfit and removing this horrific nail polish this lady charged me obscene amounts of money for. I went in for a manicure. What crap. Waste of bloody money. She did a "French" tip thing that looks like something I did myself. IN fact I could have done waaaaay better. Ugh.

Anyway I digress. So I have this interview and I hope I get it.

I feel really tapped in my life right now. I am trying to get rid of him. Its been a joke, this whole get rid of him thing but I am serious. I am getting over it. I want out. I want out right now and the prayer and wishing and hoping doesn't mean anything if I can't just do it. I almost did the other day but I relented and sounded retarded. I asked him at some point during my sorry attempt if losing me would be so bad. He said yeah.

I'm not going to call him a liar but whether it would or would not dies not matter and no longer my concern. He'll get over it and it is not like he's alone. Open-relationship girlfriend is still his best friend. Redhead is his new friend. so i am backing out. it might be a chicken thing to do but i dunno.

I'm switching off my phone i think. For a few days. He gets mad when I do that but i need space. I don't need to talk to anyone i just need space in my cage.

I should be more grateful for what i have. Forgive me Lord. I'm sorry for my lack of faith and my ungrateful spirit.

Something needs to give though. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

So. Erm. ya.

Ok so I'm completely paranoid now.

Why do I get the feeling you are reading this? That you have read this for a long time and invade my private thoughts and do not bother to tell me about it.


Babe, if you are that is not cool at all.

Anyway I suppose I don't really care as much anymore. I am trying to shut off completely to him. He says losing me would suck but I'm sure he would get over it in a heartbeat. Or longer but it would not be like a break up because he never once saw me in that light.

I lost my confidence. And my joy. B was the turning point and as much as I hate to obsess over it I know I threw away my happiness along with my innocence and I'm still paying for it. Was it at all worth it? Not in the least. I traded joy for misery and I am so damaged by it now all I see and speak and hear is misery.

I want to pull away form him but I can't.

I feel trapped in my life. I feel so trapped. I feel like I am living for nothing really and that scares me because I know God. I have not been faithful or acting right but I know Him and I have failed Him and I am scared.

I just want my joy back. But perhaps, like innocence, once lost it can never be restored.

That really bloody sucks.

I know io shouldn't get overexcited at the slightest thing but.......

I did and I am trying really hard to be all nonchalant about it. In my head.

He referred to me as "baby" last night.

May not seem like a big deal but after this past weekend it did. I know, get a grip and don't let it get out of hand. Again.

Ok. So he called me baby. So what? Big deal.

Ugh! But it is for me right now.

Sublime

So I go back and forth and the drama is unbearable and I just lose my mind every week over him.

He came over this weekend and spent Saturday and Sunday with me. He took me to the Olive Garden and we went to see a movie and we cuddled and all that jazz. And my favourite thing? The kisses. Noting raunchy. Well, some were but the ones I loved were when he held me close and kissed my hair or kissed my forehead or little kisses on my lips. I loved being with him. I called him baby and so did he. He told e he missed me and I told him i Missed him too. He stayed with me until eleven Sunday night. He had an hour drive but he stayed. It was lovely. I just wish it were like that all the time you know? I wish I didn't have to live in fear of the next time he pushes me away and I fall to pieces because I know I won't leave. I want him in every way that hurts.

At one point he called me is treasure. I dunno if he was just kidding or being funny but it stuck. You're my treasure, he said. Let's just pretend it was real and he meant it and I really am his treasure.

I still pray for him. If I can get him to see God and love God, then I think we may have a chance. Without God I am stuffed. I need God to work in his life and sort out their relationship first. Then I can see our relationship more clearly.

Please God, work on his heart. Let him open it to you. And then please let him open it to me too. Please?