Champions

MANCHESTER UNITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We won.I am so happy I could cry. We beat Chelsea's arse. I love it. Manchester is EPL champion. We rule the world of great football and our victory is oh so sweet.

Just wanted to say that bit. Cheers.

Sex and the City isn't always a good thing

I adore the series. Adore it. I am nuts about the upcoming movie, as disgustingly predictable and girly as that is, I have to admit, I feel all tingly all over when the trailer pops up and those gorgeous pink lights flash. So I'm a girl. Shoot me.

Funny enough I am watching a rerun at the moment. I have seen it before but it never gets old. Its almost painful how much I can relate to this show sometimes.

But thats just it As fun and real as this show seems, it's fiction. Or at least it isn't my personal reality. I identify a lot with it. I see a lot of Big traits in FB and sometimes catch myself drifting away in fantasyland. I do that way too often. I mean, I know the reality but when I don't like it very much, I fill in with my crazy little daydreams. It's completely insane you know. Insane.

So FB was over at my place all of Sunday practically I mean. I saw his car parked as I was walking home from church. So naturally I overreacted like some crazed girlfriend. I am neither girlfriend nor crazy so that was an interesting moment for me. I called one of my girlfriends (truth be told I called half my bloody phone book and she was the only one who picked up on time) and told her I was sure if I asked him what he was up to he would say he was at home or something. I looked into the car (crazy) to make sure it was his It was. Then I texted him and asked what he was doing. He said he was at work. Where his car was parked. I felt a little dumb and a bit shocked at my own crazed behavior.

So he said come visit me. So I dropped by where he was working. As per usual I stayed far too long.

Ok, a bit of background for this next bit. He and I are always joking that we should cook for each other I know, gay. But he actually lived up to it and cooked for me Twice. And gave me the food in Tupperware. In both our cultures it is very very rude to return empty containers. So it was my turn to reciprocate. Bollocks.

So Sunday I had promised to cook for him. And so after work that afternoon he came over. He had a dvd he had rented. Gory flick I was not at all inclined to watch. So he watched it in my room while I was in the kitchen cooking. Then while I was simmering the stew I mad, I got distracted talking to him and kind of burnt it Tragic really.

But we ended up on my futon watching youtube videos of Michael Jackson, one of our shared hobbies, and downloading music. At some point I was half laying on him and he was stroking my stomach. Bad I know. But nothing happened.

He left finally at around 10:30. I have to admit I was a little upset, much to my dismay.

So I am going in and out with these crazy hallucinations. He can be so insensitive and make me so mad sometimes. Like Big. The real TV Big I mean. And we have these ridiculous fights all the time that only make me snap back to reality and see the foolishness in my fantasies about him.

Ok. Stop. This is beyond obsession and crazy now.

I wish I looked like Sanaa Lathan. Lol. Random I am watching Out of Time now. She is gorgeous. WOuld life be any better if I looked like her? I know. Shallow.

Anyway I have much more important things to blog about but I have gotten into the habit of not thinking about those things and just switching off so I suppose I will do the same in this blog. I have shut down people. I have shut down inside and am just coasting. It's rather....I dunno.

Working at Starbucks is so not as glamorous as I would have hoped I am a bit disillusioned. Hmmn. If one more person asks me for a Skinny tall, nonfat vanilla latte with hazelnut syrup and light whip, no drizzle, I might just drown them in mocha sauce. For reals.

Somehow I got really distracted from what I wanted to blog about. Hmmn.

Funny Story...

Ok.

So on my way into work this morning (working at Starbucks for a couple of days cuz they were short) I said a little prayer.

"Dear God,

I have nothing at all against (insert new-girl's name here) and I pray that you bless her (please make this request genuine, you know my heart). But I pray that I do not see her today. I know that may be wrong but I honestly do not want to be sad or upset anymore so if you wouldn't mind please don't let me see her or him with her and them together. Please let me get through the day and have a blessed day so I might be a blessing to others. I am sorry for my selfishness, please forgive me, but please Lord. Please.

Amen."

So I'm at work yeah?

So he comes in (FB) and is looking all disheveled, shirt un-tucked and very casually dressed. I mean this is nine thirty in the morning when he is meant to come in and usually he is impeccably put together but he looked as if he had just rolled out of bed.

Hmmn.

I won't lie, I wondered whose bed when I saw him but had to force myself to let it go.

He only popped in for a bit. I mentioned his appearance and he seemed a bit surprised, perhaps that he hadn't bothered to fix himself up.

Hmmn.

So he dashes off to fix himself up and I don't see him for ages.

Here's the really side-splitting part.

A bit later guess who strolls in?

No, not FB. But New-Girl. I have to think up a more creative name but that is it for now.

Hmmn.

New-Girl looks....like herself I suppose. And I am cashiering of course. Of course, it would be too easy if I wasn't.

So I have to talk with her, take her drink order and and all that. I looked at her smiled, asked her name (for the cup, even though I know very well what her name is) and then laugh and joke with Little Boss (who I am working with this week) to stop myself from shaking so much.

I was shaking. Why you ask? I have no blooming idea. I don't know why my heart was beating a tad faster or why I was slightly shaking as I marked the cup and took her money. I have served her before but this was somehow different.

And.....AFTER I had specifically prayed on my way to work NOT to see her.

Hmmn. Funny stuff.

Ok, so sarcasm is not my best quality. Forgive me. I have nothing against the girl, thats what really sucks. I can see her being a nice person and all that but I am very sad when I see her because she replaced me in a way and I don't know how I feel about that exactly. This blows. And the fact that he shows up a little late looking like he used to look when he had spent a night at my place.

I think too much. I wish my brain was a person so I could choke it sometimes. Lol. I do though.

And even funnier? Even if she didn't exist, I would be in the same predicament. Because she is not the problem. I am. But enough about that lot, I don't need to go down THAT road again. Lol. I just thought it was funny.

Upon further investigation, I WAS praying aloud as I walked (I must have looked a right nutter to the people in the cars watching me cross the street). So I believe the devil was eavesdropping on my convo with God and decided to be....well....devilish. Lol. Bastard.

In any event, it's not the end of the world. Life goes on and such. I just thought you might want to have a laugh.

Har har.

Sanity Quiz I took. Oh dear. Lol.

Your Sanity Score

81

Based upon your answers, you appear to be experiencing some distress at the moment in your life, dealing with things that you may sometimes find overwhelming. People with similar scores tend to be coping relatively well with daily life, but sometimes feel overwhelmed by certain moods, feelings, or situation. Your mental health is fairly good and you're on an even keel. Some people with similar scores find mental health treatment from a psychologist, psychiatrist, or psychotherapist targeted to a specific disorder, issue or problem helpful to their overall feelings and coping skills. Others feel they are doing just fine the way they are.

(The Sanity Score is based upon a scientific algorithm with scores ranging from 0 - 288.)

Your specific subscores are below (subscales range from 0 - 100). Under the graph of subscores, you will find additional information regarding the meaning of any significant scores or areas that may be of concern.

General Coping	50
Life Events	28
Depression	38
Anxiety	29
Phobias	33
Self-Esteem	92
Eating Disorders	10
Schizophrenia	0
Dissociation	17
Mania	35
Sexual Issues	0
Relationship Issues	6
Alcohol	0
Drugs	0
Physical Issues	0
Smoking Issues	0
Gambling Issues	0
Technology Issues	31
Obsessions/Compulsions	69
Posttraumatic Stress	50
Borderline Traits	42

Your BMI: 18.2 Your body mass index (BMI) is a measure of body fat based on height and weight that applies to both adult men and women. BMI correlates with body fat. The relation between fatness and BMI differs with age and gender. For example, women are more likely to have a higher percent of body fat than men for the same BMI. On average, older people may have more body fat than younger adults with the same BMI.

Your BMI: You may be: Below 18.5 Underweight 18.5 - 24.9 Normal 25.0 - 29.9 Overweight 30.0 and Above Obese

General Coping: People with similar scores as yours tend to feel a little overwhelmed by life at times. You appear to express some unhappiness with the way your life is going right now.

Life Events: You're experiencing events in your life that may be negatively affecting your overall mental health and your ability to cope with other things in your life. This may also affect your mood.

Depression: People with scores similar to yours are often experiencing some depressive symptoms. While these are often common amongst the general population, they can also border on the possibility of a depressive episode. It is unclear as to whether you suffer these problems severely enough to need to seek further diagnosis and treatment of them. You should not take your responses to this self-report questionnaire as a diagnosis or recommendation for treatment of any sort. Consult with a trained mental health professional if you are experiencing depressive feelings and/or difficulties in your daily functioning that you are worried about.

Take Action for Depression:

• Learn About Depression
• Take a Depression Quiz
• Read About Treatment Options
• Join our Support Group
• Find a Therapist

Anxiety: People with scores similar to yours are typically experiencing some degree of anxiety, which may or may not be a concern serious enough to seek out professional help. Remember that a little anxiety in normal, everyday life is to be expected and is a good thing. Nobody should be without any anxiety whatsoever, as anxiety is our body's way of telling us that we should pay closer attention to a situation, event or person in our lives (even if that person is ourselves). Scores in this range suggests a person may be experiencing elevated levels of anxiety that may be causing some distress in an individual.

The most common anxiety disorders diagnosed are either panic disorder or generalized anxiety disorder.

Take Action for Anxiety:

• Learn About Anxiety Concerns
• Take an Anxiety Quiz
• Join our Support Group
• Find a Therapist

Phobias: People with scores similar to yours express some irrational fears of certain specific object or situations, such as being afraid of heights, snakes, or enclosed spaces. Generally, however, most people with this level of fear simply avoid the specific objects or situations in their lives and are not bothered enough by the fears to have it interrupt their everyday lives.

Self-Esteem: People with scores similar to yours express some major concerns with their self-esteem. Self-esteem is most often the product of our upbringing and personalities. It is something that a self-help book or psychotherapist can help a person learn to readily improve in even just a few sessions.

Mania & Bipolar Disorder:

Technology Issues: People with scores similar to yours sometimes complain about having difficulty controlling their time or use of the Internet and other technologies. They may check email obsessively, or IM friends all the time. Generally, most people do not consider this a problem or issue unless it is seriously affecting your relationships with your friends, your family members, or your significant other.

Obsessions & Compulsions: People with scores similar to yours often have an obsessive-compulsive disorder. You can view symptoms and treatment options for this disorder. This is not a diagnosis, or a recommendation for treatment. However, it would be advisable and likely beneficial for you to seek a professional diagnosis from a trained mental health professional in your community at your earliest convenience.

Take Action for Obsessions/Compulsions:

• Learn About Obsessions and Compulsions
• Take an OCD Quiz
• Treatments for OCD
• Find a Therapist

Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): People with scores similar to yours sometimes have a trait or two associated with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a disorder characterized by reliving a suffered trauma through flashbacks, nightmares or other recollections of the event. People who experience only mild PTSD symptoms often do not seek out further professional treatment or assistance for the occasional flashback or nightmare.

Borderline Traits: People with scores similar to yours sometimes have a trait or two that is commonly associated with borderline personality disorder. Generally people with such traits do not seek out or need additional mental health treatment, but it is good knowledge to have.

Recommendations

You have 2 serious concern(s) that we've identified. Generally such concerns should be checked out with a mental health professional as soon as you can. You can find a mental health professional within your local community through your insurance provider or through an online therapist directory. Get help immediately if these concerns are overwhelming or you feel your health or safety is at risk.

You have 9 milder concern(s) that we've identified. Such concerns may be a part of an ordinary person's usual up's and down's in life. However, if any of these issues cause you worry or concern, please consult with your physician or a mental health professional for further information.

Please remember, this is not a diagnosis or diagnostic test. It is only a general screening to give you a broad understanding of the mental health concerns you may be facing right now in your life.

Going bonkers. Again.

I can't (won't) shake him. I just can't (won't).

I mean, I have to see him at work EVERY BLINKING DAY (excuse) and he texts me all the time (slight embellishment) and I still kinda like him (gross understatement) despite (because of) myself.

I am completely scribbled here kids. I am really scribbled.

HE DOES NOT WANT YOU. AT ALL.

That is what I know (really hope not to be) to be true and try (lie) to tell myself everyday. There is no doubt in my mind(lie) that it is true.

Ugh. I was really expecting to have moved on and been having a fabulous time getting over him and blogging about my fun, exciting new life with some fantastic new bloke or something.

Where in hell are all the fantastic blokes and why are they avoiding me like the black death?

Perhaps it is because you're acting like a complete nutter. I mean, I am answering my own questions for God's sake.

I have been trying this 'friend' thing with him(which means I am there when he needs me to be expecting nothing. What the hell am I? A Stepford bloody reject?). He avoids being alone with me anymore(coming to my place or taking me to his). Understandably(confusingly). We do not hang out anymore(much) and he is fine. But I am not.

It's not so much him anymore (lies) I don't think. It's me not having a life. My life, to be perfectly honest with you kids, blows. It blows it bigtime. I have no life. I have no fun. I sit at home watching the telly or doing my bloody laundry. I have nothing to do (except take up the invites I get from my cuzin to go clubbing with him and his gross buddies) and hang out with my cousins. I am sad aren't I.

I am unemployed. After five months I have no job (no real job, just part time) and that is complete bollucks and I need to have a fire lit under my ass. I am stagnant. And I hate writing about it because it just makes it that much more pathetic.

I'm not even receptive to sympathy anymore. I do not respond to judging or scolding or guilt tripping. I am just....well, thats just it. I'm just. Just here. Just floating through life like a ghost.

Ok. Enough of this feeling sorry for myself bizness. It could be a LOT worse off for me. It really could. I have been blessed more than my lazy bum deserves. I have a flat and a job to pay for said flat. I am not dependent on anyone. I have my health (aside from this dodgy front tooth that has me a bit worried). Life could be a lot more tragic to be honest.

Being in school was like a comfort blanket I think. I was still a kid by all accounts. And though I am still whining like a kid, I can not afford to live like one anymore. Complaining is rather useless. And I have had about enough of being useless. It's not the end of the world. I'm just in a rough spot. But I will bounce back. Life will be exciting again. You'll see. I will be fabulous again.

Once I get my hair done, it is sooooo dodgy I'm even afraid of it now.

Oh dear, lol. I do sound like a nutter.

Gotta run, laundry is done and another movie is about start on the telly.

Oh. My. God.