Fighting not to lose Me

I read something today on God's plan for the friendships in our lives. I won't go into much detail mainly because I can't remember the exact wording and because I have become slightly lazy these days. I must work on that. Honestly.

Anyway. It said something about how God prunes people out of your life early on in you complete surrendered walk with Him. And how if you go against God's pruning, how it will stunt you and set you back. It also said God provides the good godly friends for you to grow with because His ultimate plan is for us is the renewing of our minds and our transformation into the Christian He intended us to be. Hmmn.

So yet another painful incident with FB last night. I have no idea why I can't just hit my limit of pain with him already. I thought I had breached my pain threshold but it just keeps coming.

Anyway I saw that God is probably upset with me for not letting Him prune FB from my life early on. Because what has happened now is that God has pulled away from me because of the company I have been forcing on myself. He did provide me with L. She is a blessing but the fact that I have not let go of FB has been the proverbial thorn in my side for a year.

I am so sick of talking about this I could vomit.

So there was a career fair last week. I dropped off my resume with a bunch of different companies. It was last Wednesday. I have not heard anything yet but I am hopeful. Something has got to give. It simply must.

I want a new beginning, you know? I used to be such a good writer. And in a year I have let my life fall to pieces along with my heart. I have neglected writing and I have neglected God. I have missed out on living my life because I have been hung up.

Now my entries are all laments. My thoughts are suspicious and sad. My self esteem has suffered and my writing sucks so bad I don't even bother anymore.

I need this to stop. I need to find joy again. The joy of the Lord is my refuge. That statement needs to mean something again.

I need to fight not to lose me. No one else will. So I simply must.

I see people all the time going about their lives and just living. Seemingly carefree. I realize we all have problems and we may not walk around all day everyday looking like it but I want to be a single entity again. Reliant on no one and living my own life in peace. I want peace. Just want some peace.

I would love to get a great job I like and work on my visa to stay in the U.S. and plan out my life. I would love to make lovely Godly friends to be around who can encourage me and not worry about my singleness. Not have expectations but be content.

It will happen. I will. I just need a little bit of patience and a little bit of peace right now.

And then I will be fine again.