Again and again.

That girl he had a quick fling with was so much prettier than me. I worked with her for a while and always thought she was incredibly beautiful. And she still is. She had a quick fling with him. He says he didn't sleep with her but I really don't believe him at all. He said they just made out and once when she had been drinking things got out of hand and she ended up naked but that was it. He said she did not have a good body like me. I think he was lying the whole time. She quit and got another job. She also stopped seeing him and moved on with her life.

She was prettier than I am and she had the good sense to leave him alone. And so he moved on to me. When she was around I used to see them leave his office together. He used to go to drinks with her and probably texted her like crazy. And then when she wised up he moved on to me and now the scene was me and him walking out of his office for drinks and hanging out together.

And then I went a little withdrawn and he thought I was leaving him alone. So did I but he was wrong. And he got a replacement for me before he realized I was smitten. And so he was stuck. He had had sex with me but now he leaves his office with her and calls me when he's free.

And I'm the idiot who still has hope. What I'm hoping for i don't know. It destructive and I need him out of my life. I have been saying this for months and he has learned how to play on my stupidity. I am being rather daft. And I have no energy to save myself. So. I am hoping. I am beggin for this to stop without me doing anything because in my own strength i am never going to be free. So I really need him gone. I really need strength.

Ladies and Gentlemen..... I have Officially graduated College.

And now its time to search for employment. Lol. Oh dearie me.

The Christian Girl wins in the end...

The mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace; the sinful mind is hostile to God. It does not submit to God's law, nor can it do so. Those controlled by the sinful nature cannot please God. Romans 8:6-8

Lol. God is so funny. I feel really dumb now that I cussed and yelled and acted like a big baby. He didn't even wait a whole day to breakthrough. I suppose He was a little concerned at my losing my friggin mind.

I am so sorry I used such foul language and fouler imagery.I was in a moment, in a tizzy.

And then as I was getting ready to have dinner by myself in the cafeteria, I ran into a friend of a friend and she was..... I have no words.

Thank you. Again.

Your patience astounds me and I am humbled once again. This is good for me to go through this completely. So Thank you.

Deflated

I know I am supposed to be Christian. And the Christian girl in me is meant to prevail despite my shortcomings. But the Human-I-Just-Want-To-Kick-Your-Ass girl in me with the horrid potty mouth is winning over today.

I don't hate people. Usually. I do not wish ill on people despite what has transpired between us. I don't hate him but right this very moment I want to hate his fucking guts. I want him to burn in hell. The Christian in me wants to forgive, forget and be mature. But the other side of me wants to hate him with everything I have got.

I feel guilty for feeling this way but I have never in my life been through so much with one person that matters as much as a dung beetle. I am like dust to him, a mild irritant and it irritates me to the point of shaking that I was dust to him when he was a person to me. He is a fucking asshole and I really hate that he was ever a part of my life. I regret the day I met him and if I could take it all back, I honestly would in a heartbeat. I have shed tears over him. I have wasted time and money on him. I have degraded myself and made myself feel like shit because of him. I am not without blame, I take responsibility for my role in this but he does not.

Gorgeous Girl said God would deal with him and that one day God would show him the wrong he did. Bullshit. God is not listening to me anymore. I don't blame Him and I'm not mad. I am just realizing that God can not hear me. Even satan is in heaven right now, accusing men before God. In heaven. He has his coming to him but right now his ass is in heaven and I am in fucking hell.

My ego is hurt. I hate him. I hate him so much. I want him to disappear from my memory for good. I do not want to keep praying for him like I promised God I would. I do not want to be the nice Christian who blames everything on herself and thinks she has to make peace and make everything ok. Fuck him. He can go to hell for all I care. He can fucking rot in hell.

He is the biggest son of a fucking bitch I have ever met in my entire life.

And I am the biggest fucking moron. This is so old. And yet I'm still talking about it.

I am not the suicidal type, that is the stupidest thing anyone could ever do. But I do not want to live right now. I do not want to live if this is all I have to fucking look forward to. It's not worth it. None of it is fucking worth it and I give up. I am giving up because my life is in vain. It did not take one silly little relationship to make me like this. But it pushed me over the edge and all I have been wishing and hoping and waiting for is bullshit. My life is bullshit. My life is meaningless and worthless and I'm sorry Christian girl, your ass is losing big time. Just fucking give up now because you are weak and you have already lost. Why try anymore right?

Why try.

Anger. I am so angry. Hurt. I don't want to feel the hurt. I think I would rather the anger right now. I would rather the anger.

I hate my fucking existence. I want to fuck off and I don't care anymore. I do not care at all anymore.

What. The. Fridge.

From a Story by the New York Times:

by Mark Mazzetti

WASHINGTON, Dec. 3 — A new assessment by American intelligence agencies released Monday concludes that Iran halted its nuclear weapons program in 2003 and that the program remains frozen, contradicting a judgment two years ago that Tehran was working relentlessly toward building a nuclear bomb.

The conclusions of the new assessment are likely to reshape the final year of the Bush administration, which has made halting Iran’s nuclear program a cornerstone of its foreign policy.

The assessment, a National Intelligence Estimate that represents the consensus view of all 16 American spy agencies, states that Tehran is likely to keep its options open with respect to building a weapon, but that intelligence agencies “do not know whether it currently intends to develop nuclear weapons.”

Gee, where have we heard this one before? I am sitting here constantly worried that the U.S. is going to start bombing Iran and more importantly my family and all the while they are talking out of their bloody bums.

Bloody tossers.


Honestly.

Quotable

"Never pretend to a love which you do not actually feel, for love is not ours to command."

Alan Watts