Yo no se que hacer

I genuinely do not know what to do with my hair. It has been out of braids for about 2 weeks now and I have not kept it under scarves. I'm pleased at the money I have not spent yet on it but I dunno what to do about it. I bought this HELLA EXPENSIVE shampoo conditioner set from the salon (yeah, they got me) that is supposed to thicken your hair. I am cynical about everything, but I am also a little desperate for my hair to be fine again. I am trying to keep it out of braids and whatever other method of torture I inflict on it but I haven't the foggiest what to do with it. It is a weird length and I am just stumped to be honest.


Did we ever come up with a nickname for this guy I have been up and down with? No I don't think we did. Hmmn. I dunno what to call him now. How about "Not For Sale?" Ya, not terribly imaginative but for now, until the creative juices flow, we shall refer to him simply as that.

He has never been nor will ever be available for me thats why I picked that name.

So my little plan of ignore and move on failed rather dismally. As if it had a ghost of a chance really. I mean, I brought it all on myself. No use crying over milk you poured on the ground is here? Nope. We are going to be grown up about this and take responsibility. I must admit though, I do a hell of a lot of REALLY stupid things to myself and others. I am unintentionally mean to people I care about, especially me.

So after that overly dramatic episode I had last time I blogged, I decided to ignore it and not think too hard and enjoy it while it lasted.

I AM A DELUDED MORON.

I fell....no, no...sorry. Fell implies no action of my own doing. No, I JUMPED right back in the saddle of broken dreams and bad behaviour and continued "flinging" with him even though I told myself I never wanted to feel as bad as I had that time when everything came into perspective and depression caught up with me.

So I thought, ignore, ignore ignore, and you won't feel as bad. Instead weathering the horrible feelings so I could purge them and him out of my system. Huh. Wrong decision there Sherlock.

I was....ok until yesterday when another wave of reality smacked me in my front teeth, so to speak. I have been hanging out with him all the time this summer. I did not allow myself to think about where his "open-relationship-girlfriend" was all this time. I was with him so often, and he was with me ALL the time it seemed, that open-relationship-girlfriend just became a distant figment of my imagination. I mean, it just does not do to talk to your fling about his open-relationship-girlfriend and ask him questions like, where is she? why are you here with me instead of home with her? doesn't she wonder where you are all the time? Do you love her? What is my purpose?

Questions like that make things uncomfortable and a fling just can not be a fling.

I am joking about this and talking lightly but it does haunt me and the guilt is unbearable at times. But I feel hypocritical. Hence the let's-make-light-of-this tone.

Anyway I digress a little. So yesterday. I was at work and needed to type up a contact list so I jumped on his computer. I typed up my stuff and when I was getting up a window popped up. OK, so I looked. I thought I had done something. But it was his IM window. And it was open-relationship-girlfriend. They had been chatting earlier so the previous messages popped up in the same window. All I saw was him telling her he would talk to her later and her saying "K. Love You."

My stomach did a triple axel flip (is that how that is spelled? I dunno, whatev.)

She exists. Duh, I knew that. But I had temporarily forgotten. And that IM brought reality flooding back. He has a girlfriend. She LOVES him. Hmmn. That leaves you in a bit of a pickle.

I meant to chuck him from my life, I did. But it was hard. He not only is The Fling (HEY! New nickname? Perhaps.) but he is one of the only friends I have here.

I know what you're thinking. He isn't really a friend if he treats you like that and plays with your silly little moronic head. But I don't have anyone I connect with here and hang out with and with him I saw him everyday almost. We have much in common and we are cool.

*SIGH* Excuses, excuses.

And so after I read the IM and was hit by a jolt of guilt and sadness, I went about my work. He came in and asked me what was wrong. Nothing. You're lying. No I'm not, I'm fine. OK, I'll leave you alone then.

He went to his office and I bet he saw the IM window on his screen and put two and two together but was a little wary of bringing it up first. And he knows I don't talk about stuff. The reason I think he knows is because, when he left his office, he locked his computer. He never does that. Hmmn.

Ah silly times, silly times.

I can't lie on my own blog. I went home and I was sad and I cried. It disgusts me to admit that he once again made me cry. But I cried a lot. But I had good friends praying for me and though I felt lonely in my apartment with the TV off and my little sadness blanket around me, I was a little better. I woke up and cried again (GAG) and now I am a little better. I am still sad and I don't know what will happen.I found a new job but I can not get the hours I get at my current job because of international student restrictions. Puh. I feel trapped. And I did it to myself.

Ok, enough of the blame game. Redundant and repetitive. I swear this blog is like a round about.

So, what to do about The Fling. Open-relationship-girlfriend is his love. I am his....I don't know.

But what really gnaws at my nerves is how offended and "hurt" he gets when I imply that I am his plaything. He says what we have is...not that. It's deeper. So what on God's merciful earth is it?

It is a fling. The sooner The Fling realizes he is having a fling with Moronic Girl (thats me) the sooner the truth will come out. I do not like the uncertainty and the hope for something meaningful because it will not be meaningful. Ever. The cynic in me is alive and kicking. and this fling is about to be flung.

If I can stay in a sane state of mind for more than thirty minutes at a time.

I miss him though.

.....And sanity has left the building.