My soul is cast down within me and my tears are my food and water night and day. They keep asking me, 'where is your God?'

I think I was not careful enough. The no-strings-just-for-fun became a lot more than I could bear and my heart was sucked in. I fell in love with the idea and my heart is breaking and I feel as if my head will burst from the pain of it all.

I spent the weekend in tears. And now I am an unstable powder keg of emotions I can not will away. I am trying so hard to move past this but I suppose it is necessary to go through the motions and feel every slow, agonizing bit of it so that I will learn. So that I will stop making the same foolish mistakes. I do not need chastisement or I told you so. I do not need platitudes. I just need a friend. A friend in this world who can understand and feel my pain. I am in such pain. I am so deluded and now that the smoke has cleared some, I can see the damage that fiery emotions and actions have wreaked on my soul.

I have been such a fool. Such a fool. And I can't wait to be past this. Oh my God, help me out of my misery though I know I deserve it. My soul is reaping the consequences of my thoughtless actions. I am so in pain. My heart is bruised.

I was such a fool. He was like candy. Artificially sweet. I was fooled by the wrapping.

It truly hurts my heart. I really can't let go. The one thing I know I should RUN away from, run so very fast and far from.... is the one thing I keep being drawn to. The one thing I can't walk away from. The one thing that has my eyes swimming in tears and my heart ripping to shreds.

I fooled us both. Said I was a big girl in control of my emotions. Said I was not investing anything at all. And in my mind I didn't. In my logic I was in command of everything. But love is no respecter of logic. I suppose I may be hasty in calling it true love. But the pain feels as bad as I can ever hope to feel again so it has to be. Doesn't it? It must be love. Otherwise I don't know how I will cope.

My brooding mind is shattering. My bruised heart is weeping. My liquid eyes melting.

Every time I think I have gotten through the worst of it, I hit another wall of raw pain. A new avenue of hurt.

I was ok until I began to get used to him. I got used to him. Used to seeing him everyday. Talking to him every night. Being held by his caressing arms. Being warmed by his tender kisses and excited by his more urgent ones. Feeling connected to him to the point where I did not want to let go. I fooled myself. I thought it was ok. But it wasn't ok. It was wrong. So wrong. So very wrong. He was not mine. I was not his. I was used for amusement. And I fell hook, line and sinker for the words I knew in my spirit were empty. But I so needed to be touched. So needed to be paid attention to. So needed to be loved. And therein lies my fatal error. I was not loved. I was enjoyed. For the moment.

Eleven times. It was so dangerous. He was so dangerous. And the really shocking thing of it? I KNEW he was going to break my heart. I knew it from the first moment. I knew it from that very first time. I was certain my heart would be broken.

If only I knew how bad it would feel. I thought the pain I felt in the past was it. It only gets more intense. Only gets deeper. My old wounds have healed and left scars but these new ones are raw and bleeding and crying out. My mind is screaming at me. HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID. HOW COULD YOU BE SO. Stupid.

Why don't you love yourself? Why can't you see that you deserve so much more than what you allow yourself. Why won't you wait and trust HIM who knows what you need. Why must you give in to your impulses and miss out on the joy your spirit longs for. You can not fill the emptiness with things that are fleeting. You can not expect sand to be the same as gold just because you will it to be. Act like sand, you will seek and find sand. Act like gold, and gold will find you.

My soul is cast down within me and I put my hope in God. Because right now, I have nothing. My life is a ruins and I need to have hope in Him or else I am truly nothing.


Please save me from myself. Please make this stop. Don't let me find this place again.