Rough.

Yesterday was rough. Today was OK until around 4 p.m. when it threatened to be rough like yesterday. I woke up OK. I had cried and felt like crap yesterday but running into Lynn really helped. I had cried out in anguish for an angel and she was there. She prayed for me and I woke up ok. I had no idea she had prayed for me until later in the day.

I have to get through this right? Yes. I will. It is just GOING THROUGH it that is hard. I saw him today. Yesterday he went home sick so I was spared. But today he was there. I almost lost it again. My great-gran died over the weekend and he knew about it and thought that was the reason I was a little bit of a mess.

I really didn't want him to see me fall apart and I held it together as best as I could. He looked so helpless though. Like he wanted to bring the old me back because this sad, anguished me was making him uncomfortable. He asked if I wanted to have dinner with him. I was so tempted. I rationalized, saying, I can do this. I am weaning off him but do not need to totally cut him off.

But I didn't cave. I said no. He was a little surprised but understood. Well, as much as he can understand anyway. He texted me after he left. Said once again that he hated seeing me this way and that he really did care about me. ALOT. That is exactly how he put it. And that he missed me. The old me I suppose. Then when I took a while to respond he sent me another one saying how gay he musted have sounded. He's self conscious I guess.

This is so hard. I long to be myself again with him but I know that can never happen. Working with him makes it hard to avoid him but I never thought it would go this far and now my common sense is laughing at me. It is so hard.

He looked amazing today. He was slightly ill and vulnerable and I was drawn to him but held back. He seems so helpless which was adorable. But he is not mine. He isn't even what I need in life at all. He is Hindu and a lot older and it could never be. But that doesn't cancel out the longing I guess. I got too used to him and I got confused. I really underestimated my emotions and now I am suffering but I am hoping that everyday is a step toward healing.

I hate to get so hung up on such petty things you know? I hate myself for letting this happen and letting it get to me. There are so many more things worthy of my worry and time and thought but this is what I dwell on? This is what captures my heart? Why? Because I feel alone.

But I'm not. I prayed for an angel and Lynn was there. She reminded me of God's loving grace. She is the angel I need and I can honestly say I can see myself growing to love her dearly. She is such an inspiration and God is pulling through for me. Otherwise there would be no Lynn in my life to help me pick up the pieces. Thank You.