Falling

Life's lessons are funny sometimes. Well, I take that back. It is not so much the lessons that are funny, but the way we learn, and then sometimes, almost immediately forget what we have learned. The Bible (yes kids, been delving into that more these days. about buggery time really) says that we should not be like the man who looks in the mirror and then when he turns away, immediately forgets his own reflection. Or something like that. I dare say perhaps I must spend a bit more time in it before I start quoting things incorrectly, but I'm pretty convinced that bit is right. Right?

I digress. Anyway my point is, we should not forget what we have learned. And certainly not so quickly.

Last week tore me up inside. My realization shattered my world a bit and though I do think I may have over exaggerated the slightest bit, I still was genuine in my anguish.

My plan was to cut him off. And I almost managed. My behavior was awkward and foreign for him. He was baffled and then maddened by it because he did not understand what was going on with me and how he could fix it. He knew deep down it was tied to him though I denied it vehemently.

And he almost let me be. But he didn't. He hung on long enough and caught me in a vulnerable point. Don't lose heart yet, all is not lost.

But I do feel afraid. I am terrified of falling into it all over again. A part of me feels that it surely won't happen because of what I went through last week. I am afraid to feel that raw emotion again. But my frozen heart has begun to melt once again.

I am such a deluded moron.

A scab has formed over the wound and the pain, though still there, is more of a sad memory than anything. Could I have been so fickle to have thought that deep, raw emotion was linked to something deep? Or did I react shockingly to something really rather shallow?

I am not in love. I'm not. That is what I keep telling myself. Over and over and over again. You would think I was in denial. It isn't love, honestly. Even I know that.

I admit it. I was warm to him. I know, I know I know. But I was. I'm sorry. It is my nature. It is a stupid nature, but I can't deny it.

Last Thursday we went to the Planetarium to see the new show I had been wanting to see. It was a standing date and so I complied. I went. We went to dinner afterwards. I wasn't the least bit hungry but I went. I don't know why. Despite myself, I missed him. Ugh. Disgusting.

It was awkwardish. I tried to be sociable but he saw right through me. He seemed angry. He drove me home. In the parking lot I sat in his car and I just could not take not communicating anymore.

I asked him why he was angry.

He said because I had turned into someone he did not know. I told him I was going through some things. He said he knew it wasn't just my great gran's death. He asked me what my problem was. I told him I could not tell him. He asked if he was it, or if he was involved. I said no. He said Okay. I told him I knew he thought I was lying.

We had quite the conversation. In the process, he said it was as if I had been a caterpillar who, instead of being the butterfly I was meant to be, had turned myself into a moth. He said he had been angry with me this week because I shut him out and did not trust him enough to share my problem with him. He said he hated the person I was becoming. I wasn't the person he thought he knew. He said he would miss me and things between us would be different from now on but he would have to accept it if that was what I thought was best for me.

Ugh. My need to smooth things over and not have conflict led me to appease the situation. I told him I did not want to shut him out. A half lie. I told him I would try harder to be myself again.

Why would I say that? It is so stupid now. I fell into another trap. I hate this.

And now we're "cool" again.

But the problem is still there, larger than ever. I just chose to ignore it. But I can't. Because I keep coming back to it. Like just now. Something happened and I was shaken again. I can't keep doing this. This is not healthy. I'm desperate to shake him.

He is out of own at the moment, flying back tonight. Last night we were text messaging and he said "You're my girl" very randomly at some point. This is so blatantly obvious its laughable. I know he wants to be sincere and he probably thinks and truly believes he is. But I know that what I want and what he has to give are on two different planets right now. I have no clue what the future holds. But I know that any future between us is going to be bitter-sweet at best.

Right now it is all very bitter-sweet. That is not a good sensation. Sweet and sour is one thing, and perhaps it works for what it is. It compliments itself. Yet bitter-sweet cancels itself out don't you think? The sweet is destroyed by the bitter and the bitter is never made any better by the sweet. At the end of the day, bitter-sweet just leaves a bitter taste in the mouth and makes the sweet rather redundant.

I'm scared of falling into the habit of ignoring things and letting my problems walk all over me and hurt me over and over again. He is such a big problem. But the magnetic pull to him is fierce. I need to cut him out but I'm scared to death of the void he will leave. Am I wrong for that? Will the void just leave room for true happiness? Or will the void drive me insane and lead me to worse hims.

I don't really know.