Had a chat with mum this morning at 4:20 a.m. That is not just cuz she lives in Iran and for her it was midday, but it was because forthe first time in a year and a half, I had one of those nights when I thought I would be crushed by the weight of my despair. Wow. This is gonna be a FUN note kids. Depression is just what you needed today right? Lol. Well, there is a silver lining if you will bear with me.
I am not a foreigner to insomnia. We were best friends all through O'Levels (the most stressful string of exams I have ever survived in my entire life. For the Americans out there, you write them in high school). But last night's insomnia felt like a full frontal attack on my sensabilities.
As hinted in previous notes (apparantly telling the world my thoughts is...cathartic...or something. Go figure), I have been going through some stuff personally. And I am a struggling Christian trying to figure herself out. So last night I had one of those "dark moments" you hear those T.V. Christians talking about all the time because I felt I had effed it all up rather royally. Yes, the Christian girl just made reference to the f-word. Shoot me.
Have you ever felt overwhelmed? I mean truly overwhelmed by your own problems to the point where you physically feel like you are being crushed? Am I going too deep for you here kids? Ok, I'll take it down a notch.I felt bad. Really, really bad. And alone. Really, really, horribly alone. And like all grown-up women who are independant and self-posessed... I wanted my mum. Really, really badly.
And I called her and she was briliant. My mum is not the "Oh honey, you're fabulous and don't matter what anyone says to you or does, you're perfect and mummy's here for you and mummy will make it all better, just tell mummy everything" type. No, I dare say my mother has a brain.
Mum is the practical type. Don't get me wrong, she's not the other kind of mum, the mean cow who yells at you for having feelings and tells you to "man up dammit!" No. My mum is a powerful force to be reckoned with and yet very gentle and loving.
She said it wasn't my fault I felt depressed. She said I didn't even have to know why I was. She said. I needed to stop working so hard and to slow down and meet with God. She said she prays for me always.
She was exactly what I needed at 4:20 in the morning as I lay in my bed, in my apartment, feeling all alone and too small for my own shoes, so to speak. And now I am moving forward I think.
Why does this matter to you in the least? It doesn't. I didn't really write it for you. I wrote this for me. I am becoming far too thoughtful these days. I should stop thinking so much and I should stop feeling the need to force-feed you these mental masterbations of mine. But I'm a writer. It's kinda like asking a firefighter to ignore a fire, or a doctor to ignore a body bleeding to death by the side of the road. I mean, honestly.
No comments:
Post a Comment