Putty in his hands

Remember back around my aunt's funeral? September. Anyway i met this guy, my cousins' friend. Was not into him, i had heavier things on my mind but he sent me a message telling me how special he thought i was. Right. Perfect strangers.

I was also preoccupied with life altering events in other areas of my life, not just my aunt but personal struggles. I was preoccupied but liked the thought of being liked. He asked me out. I can not say no plus i was curious. I agreed. Bad date. Not him, just circumstances you know. But i decided he wasn't my cup of tea. I replied messages for a while but got bored of him and stopped. He went to school out of town. I didn't see him or hear from him for several months.

He's since graduated and moved back closer. He called me up. We have been hanging out with my cousins a lot. Now he offers to give me rides home from my cousin j's apartment. Then after he drops me off he messages me and tells me how much he enjoyed my company. We went out one night, all of us. My cousins don't dance, they drink. I don't drink much, i prefer to dance but do not have the nerve to approach a stranger. So he seemed the best alternative. We danced. Apparently i am a suggestive dancer. Ok, so i am. He really enjoyed it. I enjoyed having a man touch me. Not in any obscene way, just to have a man touch me and look at me like that.

But he is playing some crazy game with me. He's the definition of a playa, in the sense that he is smooth and such a straight guy. He has this incredibly deep voice i find sexy. He's a little short but taller than me still. He has this young look to him, but this mature demeanor, confusing really. He is a man. I love his manliness.

He is my cousins' friend. He hangs with them and they are.....well....they do certain things i do not agree with. I'm sure he does them too, to some extent...birds of a feather and all. I also suspect that his 'interest' in me was inspired by some crafty member of my family who thought i needed a little help. He's also into the rap game with my cousins. Like them, he really has no street cred but they are all dead serious about it. He is newly graduated and looking for a job, postponing interviews and hanging out with my unemployed cousins.

Everything about him should repel everything i stand for and look for in a man. And i was nonchalant and uninvolved at first. But he has slowly been chipping away at my indifference with compliments and telling me how alike we are and how he has always felt a special close connection with me. And then he drops me off after all that. And i find myself not wanting to get out of his car. I find myself wanting him to kiss me. To park somewhere, listen to the slow jams he has me hooked on and just laying in his arms, kissing. It's happened three times now. He drops me off and i am desperate for him to kiss me.

He says he wants to take it slow with me, i suppose cuz he imagines that i am a nice girl and thats what i want. To be honest i want to stay as far away from guys as i possibly can because i can not be trusted like now. I want him but do not for the life of me know why. And i think he's orchestrated this whole thing.

Something about him strikes me as a bit cunning. Like he's hiding something or pretending to be this nice guy but all to gain his end with me. I am too trusting and already i trust him way too much, but he can not be what i am looking for.

Can he?

Uh oh. I think this is gonna be another mess.