Problems

So Nigerian guy who was supposed to be platonic decided to heat things up last night. I'm not in the mood to go into details. In a nutshell, we hung out last night from around ten till after midnight. Last night was a gorgeous night, the most romantic night ever. Warm, breezy and we took a walk by the river near my place. I was thinking the whole time how nice it would be to have a man with me right now, despite his presence. I wasn't looking at him like that. He got a little too personal out there. Then we came up to my room and he got a little too personal. I am not attracted to him although apparently every other girl on the planet is. I am not. I think he thinks i am. I think he's trying me up. How vulgar.

He gave me a lap dance. Ew. I felt him. Ew. He touched me a lot and tried kissing my neck under the guise of being goofy. Ew. I do not liked to be touched by people unless i sanction it. I let him but really wish i hadn't. I wasn't turned on in the least. Just awkward. I pushed him away and lightheartedly changed the subject. Now, why do men ruin friendships with the whole trying to sleep with you thing? Honestly. It's not wierd between us, i am masterful at making sure everything is fine even if i am a little wierded out. So that was last night.

I have a major crush on the Zimbabwean guy i had a class with last semester. He has a bit of a new look and i always was attracted to his bubbly personality. I know that he is not the one for me. I know it's temporary attraction. I know my attraction is based on loneliness which is never healthy. But it's almost reflex.

I haven't had my rebound from B to get my mind off him. I think about him all the time though we don't really speak anymore. He says he's busy. I say he doesn't even respect me enough to be a friend. We never had a friendship despite my delusions. And yet there is this invisible chord spanning 3000 miles that connects me to him and i haven't figured out how to sever it yet. Even with months of silence and occasional calls now and again, i think about him every day. I am still drowning in the illusions i built around me and him. I want terribly to go to him and be in his arms and have him kiss me and touch me and have sex with me even though i know it'll be short lived and mean nothing to him. Even though i know i should be hurt, and i am but i still want him to want me. I do not have the closure i need. He rejected me and i haven't accepted that painful fact yet because my mind keeps asking what was so terrible about me that he so cavalierly decided i wasn't up to scratch. What made me so unspecial that he could sleep with other girls without a second thought even when he knew me. If i am so beautiful and sweet like he feels the need to tell me every single time, why is he always in a rush to get off the phone with me. Why does he think of me only when he gets bored once every few months. Why do i ask stupid questions that i know the answers to and why can't i let him go?

How can you make someone feel so special one moment and the next instant make them feel like the most worthless being ever to exist. Is that humane? And what does it say about the person falling for the same trap five billion times in a row, never the wiser? Relationships are the most wonderfully unfair things. They are not equal at all ever. Someone is always at the mercy of the other because their feelings super glue them to that other person. Why do guys promise girls the world when they know they can never deliver? and why do girls expect it and even believe it when they are promised it?

He said i was a princess and i believed him. I never wanted to be a princess. I was very happy conquering the world and my dreams until he showed up and told me i was a princess and made me believe it was the greatest thing to be. But i'm not a princess. He never meant it and treated me badly. And my bravado disappeared and i was left in rags on the street and i was afraid of the world i once wanted to conquer. I am afraid now to believe anyone who says anything good about me because its not true. I am not a princess, i just believed a myth i was fed. I knew i wasn't one and didn't mind. But now i mind. Even though i do not want to be a princess, i mind terribly that i am not one. And the world condemns me for being weak and bitter. I wasn't this way on my own. But experiences harden the skin and mine is becoming harder because otherwise it is easier to get hurt.

I can't believe i am still at this stage.