Did i mention he has dimples?

Well, he does. They are adorable. I do like his smile. Oh dear. Do you see what is happening here? I am being drawn in.

He has been in Miami all weekend. helping his cousin celebrate his/her 25th. Right. But whats funny is that he has been messaging me nonstop. He messaged me in the obscene hours of the morning last night and of coarse i was up and responding. He was in a club somewhere in Miami supposed to be having fun and hitting on girls and such but he was messaging me telling me how much he missed me (wat?) and wished i were there with him.

And he has been going into depth about how he thinks me and him are meant to be. He says he feels that the first time he saw me he felt a special connection with me and that everytime he is around me he feels it strengthen more.

Bullshit.

He says that he's been talking to my uncle R about how he needs to find the right woman God has made for him. And he feels me and him together are unstoppable because i am unique and so is he and together we could be "God's illest couple."

Ok is this where i get worried and call the men in the white coats to take him away? But whats funny is that i am starting to believe he belives all he is saying to me. He might just be that good an actor, i dunno.

WHy is it that when guys express their feeling about us and those emotions are deep and lovey, you know like the way girls feel all the time, we get scared. Yet i complain all the time about the no good losers who won't let me know what the hell is going on. Should i really be condemning him for being open about how he feels about me? Yes? I don't know.

He wants us to be a couple. I hardly know anything about him. Clark told me to pray about it. I am a firm beliver in prayer and God and I am working on my spiritual walk but i HATE it when Christians use that stock quote. Just pray about it. Thanks. That helped a lot.

But i suppose i should because Lord knows i don't know what i am doing and already i am being taken in by the compliments, the feeling of being wanted and the dimples. Those damn dimples.

Work in progress.

Putty in his hands

Remember back around my aunt's funeral? September. Anyway i met this guy, my cousins' friend. Was not into him, i had heavier things on my mind but he sent me a message telling me how special he thought i was. Right. Perfect strangers.

I was also preoccupied with life altering events in other areas of my life, not just my aunt but personal struggles. I was preoccupied but liked the thought of being liked. He asked me out. I can not say no plus i was curious. I agreed. Bad date. Not him, just circumstances you know. But i decided he wasn't my cup of tea. I replied messages for a while but got bored of him and stopped. He went to school out of town. I didn't see him or hear from him for several months.

He's since graduated and moved back closer. He called me up. We have been hanging out with my cousins a lot. Now he offers to give me rides home from my cousin j's apartment. Then after he drops me off he messages me and tells me how much he enjoyed my company. We went out one night, all of us. My cousins don't dance, they drink. I don't drink much, i prefer to dance but do not have the nerve to approach a stranger. So he seemed the best alternative. We danced. Apparently i am a suggestive dancer. Ok, so i am. He really enjoyed it. I enjoyed having a man touch me. Not in any obscene way, just to have a man touch me and look at me like that.

But he is playing some crazy game with me. He's the definition of a playa, in the sense that he is smooth and such a straight guy. He has this incredibly deep voice i find sexy. He's a little short but taller than me still. He has this young look to him, but this mature demeanor, confusing really. He is a man. I love his manliness.

He is my cousins' friend. He hangs with them and they are.....well....they do certain things i do not agree with. I'm sure he does them too, to some extent...birds of a feather and all. I also suspect that his 'interest' in me was inspired by some crafty member of my family who thought i needed a little help. He's also into the rap game with my cousins. Like them, he really has no street cred but they are all dead serious about it. He is newly graduated and looking for a job, postponing interviews and hanging out with my unemployed cousins.

Everything about him should repel everything i stand for and look for in a man. And i was nonchalant and uninvolved at first. But he has slowly been chipping away at my indifference with compliments and telling me how alike we are and how he has always felt a special close connection with me. And then he drops me off after all that. And i find myself not wanting to get out of his car. I find myself wanting him to kiss me. To park somewhere, listen to the slow jams he has me hooked on and just laying in his arms, kissing. It's happened three times now. He drops me off and i am desperate for him to kiss me.

He says he wants to take it slow with me, i suppose cuz he imagines that i am a nice girl and thats what i want. To be honest i want to stay as far away from guys as i possibly can because i can not be trusted like now. I want him but do not for the life of me know why. And i think he's orchestrated this whole thing.

Something about him strikes me as a bit cunning. Like he's hiding something or pretending to be this nice guy but all to gain his end with me. I am too trusting and already i trust him way too much, but he can not be what i am looking for.

Can he?

Uh oh. I think this is gonna be another mess.

Quote of the Year

"I am an African. I owe my being to the hills and the valleys, the mountains and the glades, the rivers, the deserts, the trees, the flowers, the seas and the ever-changing seasons that define the face of our native land...I am born of a people who are heroes and heroines... Being part of all these people, and in the knowledge that none dare contest that assertion, I shall claim that - I am an African".- An African.

I'm holding out for a Hero

Where have all the good men gone? And where have all the good women disappeared to? What has happened to the idea of love? It saddens me how corrupt and loveless we have become. I look at the past and realize how sterile and blah our lives have become with progression and advancement. Chivalry. Romance. The days of heroes and queens. Am i that old fashioned that i look for those things and sigh in nostalgic sorrow because i don't see that in my world?

I claim to be an assertive (perhaps i delude myself a tad) woman of the age, but am i really hypocritical and wrong for wanting a hero? My very own Hercules? What happened to the notion of romance?

I don't know if it has completely gone or if it is so covered up by civilized advancement and progressive thinking that you really have a task on your hands in order to find it. I dunno what spurred this train of thought but I really do want a hero of my own. I am convinced he has to be out there because my desire is so strong. And i feel he is out there wondering if i exist. Perhaps i should wake up and smell the 21st century ey?

Perhaps. But a girl can still dream can't she? And superman can really exists can't he? In the immortal words of Bonnie Tyler, i leave you with this:

Where have all good men gone
And where are all the gods?
Where’s the street-wise Hercules
To fight the rising odds?

Isn’t there a white knight upon a fiery steed?
Late at night I toss and turn and dream of what I need

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

Somewhere after midnight
In my wildest fantasy
Somewhere just beyond my reach
There’s someone reaching back for me

Racing on the thunder and rising with the heat
It’s gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I would swear that there’s someone somewhere
Watching me
Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like a fire in my blood

I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the end of the night
He’s gotta be strong
And he’s gotta be fast
And he’s gotta be fresh from the fight
I need a hero
I’m holding out for a hero ‘til the morning light
He’s gotta be sure
And it’s gotta be soon
And he’s gotta be larger than life

intl. week.

Bloody-Frickin-Damn

$237?!!!!! two hundred and thirty seven dollars?!!!

My phone bill. Last month. After they reduced it to help me out. DAMN.

$237?!!!!

TWO HUNDRED AND BLOODY THIRTY SEVEN?!!

So, i changed my plan to eat up the cost and now i am on one that has half the minutes i had.

So basically, no more phone for a month unless i am bleeding out of my eye.

Bloody-Frickin-Hell!

Quote of the day (stolen from Malaika's blog)

insanity really IS repeating the same behavior and expecting different results.

Ironically

He called me last night, a couple of hours after my last post. He was.....himself. Sweet. We actually talked for more than five minutes. Well. I was going to renounce what i had posted but i don't think my mind has changed just because he was nice to me. I think in all honesty i exaggerate how horrible he is because i am speaking out of hurt. He's not horrible. Just not mine. Hmmn. I'll get over it though. Life goes on and some encouraging words from someone who has been there herself go a long way despite everything. So thank you Malaika. I know i am growing and moving past this eventually.

We had the kick off for International week today. It was a parade of flags. I was carrying the Zimbabwean flag. I was very proud to do it though i think i am the only Zimbo who witnessed it. I was in the front, right behind the US. I wore traditional dress, whatever that means for a Zimbabwean. They had an African/Brazilian samba band that was awesome, rocked my socks off. Well, technically i wasn't wearing any socks but....whatever they were really good. And there is something really sexy about a man with a big drum. They were directly in front of me, wearing shirts of all colours and with skin of all colours too. It was beautiful. I fell in love with three of them. One white guy with shoulder length, curly blonde hair. Another tall black American with beautiful dark chocolate skin and a lighter African American with glasses who was dancing to the infectious rhythms he was producing from his huge drum. The whole experience was heady and wonderful.

The turnout wasn't spectacular. It was mostly photographers from the local papers who were following us around and friends of flag carriers who were taking pictures and cheering for their flags and friends. Nonetheless it was great and the band was very loud, so i am sure people in classes were compelled to peep out of their windows to see what the wonderfully rhythmic commotion was all about.

The different outfits from the different countries and the rainbow of flags and the pride of the carriers was enough to evoke national pride in everyone of every nationality. International weeks are always my absolute favourite time of the year. Unlike the Culture fest last year at South GA, i won't have a booth this year. I should have signed up but i was a bit intimidated. Everyone else with a booth built a set and everything and about twenty people from their countries helping out. So my booth would have paled in comparison. I dunno, maybe i should have signed up anyway. There is a fashion show too and they are still looking for models. I am thinking about it. Maybe not. I aready wore my best African outfit today and i don't want to repeat it.

In any event International week has kicked off. I start work officially on Saturday with my new job. I am glad to have the preoccupation and the extra cash, though very very little. I am also waiting to hear back about my scholarships in my department. I applied and everything, so fingers crossed yeah? Anyway, i do not have much to say so i'll sing off now.

Problems

So Nigerian guy who was supposed to be platonic decided to heat things up last night. I'm not in the mood to go into details. In a nutshell, we hung out last night from around ten till after midnight. Last night was a gorgeous night, the most romantic night ever. Warm, breezy and we took a walk by the river near my place. I was thinking the whole time how nice it would be to have a man with me right now, despite his presence. I wasn't looking at him like that. He got a little too personal out there. Then we came up to my room and he got a little too personal. I am not attracted to him although apparently every other girl on the planet is. I am not. I think he thinks i am. I think he's trying me up. How vulgar.

He gave me a lap dance. Ew. I felt him. Ew. He touched me a lot and tried kissing my neck under the guise of being goofy. Ew. I do not liked to be touched by people unless i sanction it. I let him but really wish i hadn't. I wasn't turned on in the least. Just awkward. I pushed him away and lightheartedly changed the subject. Now, why do men ruin friendships with the whole trying to sleep with you thing? Honestly. It's not wierd between us, i am masterful at making sure everything is fine even if i am a little wierded out. So that was last night.

I have a major crush on the Zimbabwean guy i had a class with last semester. He has a bit of a new look and i always was attracted to his bubbly personality. I know that he is not the one for me. I know it's temporary attraction. I know my attraction is based on loneliness which is never healthy. But it's almost reflex.

I haven't had my rebound from B to get my mind off him. I think about him all the time though we don't really speak anymore. He says he's busy. I say he doesn't even respect me enough to be a friend. We never had a friendship despite my delusions. And yet there is this invisible chord spanning 3000 miles that connects me to him and i haven't figured out how to sever it yet. Even with months of silence and occasional calls now and again, i think about him every day. I am still drowning in the illusions i built around me and him. I want terribly to go to him and be in his arms and have him kiss me and touch me and have sex with me even though i know it'll be short lived and mean nothing to him. Even though i know i should be hurt, and i am but i still want him to want me. I do not have the closure i need. He rejected me and i haven't accepted that painful fact yet because my mind keeps asking what was so terrible about me that he so cavalierly decided i wasn't up to scratch. What made me so unspecial that he could sleep with other girls without a second thought even when he knew me. If i am so beautiful and sweet like he feels the need to tell me every single time, why is he always in a rush to get off the phone with me. Why does he think of me only when he gets bored once every few months. Why do i ask stupid questions that i know the answers to and why can't i let him go?

How can you make someone feel so special one moment and the next instant make them feel like the most worthless being ever to exist. Is that humane? And what does it say about the person falling for the same trap five billion times in a row, never the wiser? Relationships are the most wonderfully unfair things. They are not equal at all ever. Someone is always at the mercy of the other because their feelings super glue them to that other person. Why do guys promise girls the world when they know they can never deliver? and why do girls expect it and even believe it when they are promised it?

He said i was a princess and i believed him. I never wanted to be a princess. I was very happy conquering the world and my dreams until he showed up and told me i was a princess and made me believe it was the greatest thing to be. But i'm not a princess. He never meant it and treated me badly. And my bravado disappeared and i was left in rags on the street and i was afraid of the world i once wanted to conquer. I am afraid now to believe anyone who says anything good about me because its not true. I am not a princess, i just believed a myth i was fed. I knew i wasn't one and didn't mind. But now i mind. Even though i do not want to be a princess, i mind terribly that i am not one. And the world condemns me for being weak and bitter. I wasn't this way on my own. But experiences harden the skin and mine is becoming harder because otherwise it is easier to get hurt.

I can't believe i am still at this stage.