Email to Ru

You know, I woke up this morning and my best friend and I were estranged. It happened while life was distracting us, but there I was, halfway around the world from her and I didn’t even know her anymore. I tried to figure out why I had been best friends with her to begin with. I couldn’t. Not because we weren’t. But because it was one of those things that cannot be proved or disproved by science. I believe in soul mates, you know? I recently read a blog entry dealing with soul mates and I suppose it got me thinking. I believe that everyone has a soul mate. But I also believe that everyone has one soul mate for romantic love and another one for love undefined.

I don’t know if I was so anxious for a best friend that I was too cavalier in my acceptance of her in that role. I thought we could have that connection. I know they say that you can’t pick your family but you are somewhat redeemed because you can pick your friends but I dunno that that is true. I think that maybe, just maybe you don’t pick your friends but you are connected somehow. Now, not all friends are meant to be and certainly not all of them are worthwhile. Believe me, I know this full well. But there are some that you meet and your spirits touch. When you are planning your life and looking ahead to your forever, you see them there, no question. You know that they are there to stay. That is how I thought I felt. I love her despite myself. I care who she dates and what she wears and what her relationship with God is. I get upset when I hear about the wonderful things she does with her ‘other’ friends because she’s not doing them with me. I am salved by the knowledge that someone out there actually gives a damn that I have trouble with relationships, and that someone understands that I have serious self esteem issues and that I really am fishing when I pretend not to be.

SO where does that leave us? I thought we were forever. I know I sound incredibly sappy and perhaps I am blowing things way out of proportion like I am apt to do. Maybe I think too much. And maybe I sound too much like a Lifetime Movie. But what I do know is that I miss you. Not just the superficial things like spending hours outside my gate or your gate talking about nothing or taking the bus home together or swapping sad stories about guys we wanted but could never have, but the fact that we know things about each other no one else does. That though we get annoyed with each other and may not have the opportunity to talk every week or every month even, that we are still soul mates. Why do I call you my best friend? Because I need you to be that for me. And I need even more to be that for you.

I’ve lost my soul mate through distance, time and life’s distractions. I just wanted to tell you I think about you still. I didn’t choose you, you didn’t choose me. Perhaps it’s all one sided and I am just out of my mind. But I miss my best friend and though I am embarrassed and scared to let you know all of this because it is what I feel in the vaults of my emotions, who else would I tell? I don’t want to be estranged and not know you anymore. I want to still be your best friend, cause you’re still mine.