Dialogue

I hate to harp on and on about it, but i figure this is my blog and i'll rant if i want to. Harp if i need to. Rant if i want to. You would rant too if it happened to you. Sorry....flashback from "Problem Child." Didn't you just love that movie way back when movies weren't very good? I know i did. And i still do.

Ok, i digress.

I talked to him. I did, and it was great. But at the same time pretty.....well let's just say things are not moving forward. Plus he was half asleep and mumbling but we had a dialogue. He said he thought i was testing him all this time that i have been ignoring his calls and messages. Of course i was but i assured him i was not testing him, that i was just busy. Hmmn. Ya, i dunno why i do that.

So he said he missed me and wanted me to come see him. I told him thanks but i can't afford to. He said he would pay but he has no money. I said oh. He said he would buy me a ticket as soon as he got some money. I said ok. He said he wanted to kiss me at the very least. He also asked if i really meant it when i said we would be friends forever. I said sure we would. No doubt. He asked me again if i was testing him. I lied and said no. He asked if i thought he was a good friend. I lied and said yes. He asked if things were awkward between us ever since October. I lied and said no. He said could we repeat October. I said sure, why not? He asked if i hated him. I lied said no.

Dialogue. I dunno why i didn't take that oppurtunity to stand up for myself. Well, he was half asleep and mumbling a bit and he thought i was angry with him. He was right. But at the same time i miss him so much. Am i being a complete fool? He said he wanted me. Because i was attractive. Liar liar pants on fire. Not about wanting me for that reason but about me being that reason. But self degredation aside, if he really only wants me becasue i am "pretty" or "cute" to him, what does that say about our friendship? Is it a farce? Is it fake? Are we trying to squeeze something meaningful out of something shallow?

I was supposed to tell him i lied when i said October did not affect me. I was supposed to tell him i thought he was taking advantage of me, using me and i was bound by my feelings for him. I was supposed to tell him i was really really confused about my feelings for him and i really really wanted some reciprocity. I was supposed to make him feel like crap because that is exactly how he made me feel.

But i was all smiles and faux laughs. I was all soothing and non confrontational. I was chicken. And i don't know how to reconcile how hurt i feel with how much i want him.

It seems this will be an ongoing saga for a while. Hold on to your seats kids. And brace yourselves.