Crappy Tuesdays turn into Contemplative Wednesdays

My Tuesday was so crappy. The whole thing, just completely crap. I had my radio show Monday and missed a cue or two which threw me way off so i was in a funk about that. I had forgotten my headphones so i had to borrow the ones from the equipment office and she said i needed to return them at ten the next morning. I had class and figured, ok maybe they'll fine me like ten bucks or something, afterall, they are just some crap headphones right? Wrong. I was three hours late and how about these people charged me $30. WTF? I was livind. Absolutely livid. So now i have a $30 bill on my school account and i can not borrow things from the equipment room until it's paid off and i need to borrow the cameras for my photography assignments. Damn it all to hell. I have the money but i am still so pissed that they would chrage me a $30 late fees for some $2 headphones that were three different varieties of shit anyway.

Excuse my french.

Then my photography class was crap as usual. This woman....i swear.....she is making me hate photography. Not only is she about as stimulating as a pot of boiled cabbage, but she is so darn Texan....i mean rrrreeeaaalllyy Texan. And she has had a bad thing to say about each of my photos so far. She gave me a 60 on my mugshot. How the hell do u get a 60 on a MUGSHOT?! The day was just long, i was in classes all day. I dunno what alternate universe i was dwelling in when i decided on my schedule but damn.

Ok, so Tuesday is over.

Today I had lunch again with....hmmn....i think we'll call him Chipmunk. Don't ask questions, just indulge me. So. The forecast is looking good, i think we are friends and nothing more. Personally i do not want anything more and since he seems to think every other female is dying to sleep with him, i figure he's preoccupied enough to see me as just a friend. I have enough complications with 'friendships' that i should have defined a long time ago. One such example is the Apartment guy. We were just hanging out, going to movies and such. I even paid for the two of us once (damn damn damn) just to make sure the line was clear. So we went out for a drink last night. That was my first mistake. It was fun, i was standoffish enough for it to be laid back and we had a nice enough time. Then he drops me off, and about an hour later, rings me up and asks if i had a good time. I said sure. He asked if i would be interested in going out on a date. Curses.

I thought i had sidestepped that one. So there's me again, Miss Can't bloody say no. I think i need a psychiatrist. Seriously, i have a problem. I said sure. Curses. He asked when. Said i'd let him know. Damn it all to bloody hell.

I know. But no, it doesn't stop there kids. No, no. That would be too simple and my life is anything but. So do you remember Shy Guy? Yes u do. From the archives of November or October 2004. Yeah, him. I called him.

Why? Because i am a moron. I was bored and called him. Thought, ok enough time has elapsed...it'll be safe. No it won't you dozy cow, because you never actually told him u were not interested in him the way he was in you. You hoped it would just go away. Brilliant move calling him then. So it was fine for like ten minutes. Now if u don't remember Shy Guy, he was the one with emotional issues and he attached himself quite quickly and fastly to me for some reason. Everytime we spoke i always felt i should have him lay down and i should be taking notes. I indulged him. I indulge everybody.

So when i called him (and i believe that was on Monday night) he talked casual for ten minutes and then jumped right into it. Asked me why we never hooked up and if it was him. What the devil do u say to that? I said no it wasn't him. There is that chronic niceness slowly screwing me up the bum. I walked right into the trap with my eyes wide open. How dozy can one person be?

He practically declared his love for me. I am not exaggerrating. I swear he said no other girl made him feel the way i do, that i saw him for who he really was (what?) and that i was genuine. Lawd take me now.

He said he would always feel this way for me and for no one else and that he would do anything to be with me. Anything and that he thought that it would still work even though we have 2000 lovely miles between us. And i let the poor bloke think i had some sort of emotional constipation and could not let someone in and all that crap people say when they are waffling. Basically not coming out and telling him point blank i liked him very much....AS A FRIEND. And he's a persistant little bastard too.

Damn it all to flipping hell i say.

So fun times. Fun times.

AND.... still haven't heard from Bigg. That little incident that took place on the phone several entries ago, even though i did not mention it was Bigg then but it was. I feel like such a dizzy cow for doing that. I do not have feelings for him anymore but i suppose i was looking for the validation i never got when i did have feelings for him. To be honest i do not think i could even just be friends with him anymore. I feel that relationship draining me each time i talk to him so we could not be friends because i am slowly realizing i never actually liked him as a person but rather i liked the illusion i created of him when i decided i was going to have a crush on him.

AND............ I haven't heard from D.C. (a.k.a. Peanut) in about six weeks. That IS what i wanted, but he doesn't seem fazed in the least. That horrible thing that happened when i went over there (Archived under entry: Explicit from November or somewhere there 2005) was a stupid mistake and erased from my memory supposedly. But still I wanted my silence to faze him. I wanted to ignore him, actively. Not have him have hom be ok with my silence and forget i was a small, insignificant part of his world. Pah. I am no longer in his world and i am shoving the memory of him out of mine. That sounds so hostile and very unhealthy. Frier said i should tell him how shitty he made me feel about myself. I know that is the right thing to do and suppression will only be cancerous to my emotional well being.....but dammit i want to be the winner for once. I know if i tell him off, my chronic need to please and placate and make sure everyone else is happy even if i'm not will take over, i will end up apologizing for miscalculating the whole situation and letting myself get caught up in my feelings and my lust for him to be mine and i will hang up feeling like the deluded moron i will have become again.

So i am trying to ignore the past. Stupid, i know but i am too proud (or is it scared?) to do anything about it.

Open to suggestions.