Dreams in a Pale Blue

I have to move on. My hurt from my aunt is deep, relentless. But I can not retreat from the world long. And in essence I have manage to continue with life, it didn't end although I believe it is in it's last stages.

I have been watching the world events with a wary eye. Natural disasters? No. Supernatural disasters. All documented in biblical texts. It's happening. As much as we might want to ignore or pretend that it is crazy talk, somewhere deep down everyone is watching the world and their spirits are squirming because we can feel it. It's happening in our lifetime. It's about to get serious, where is our faith?

I am scared. I do not want to be left behind. I do not want to have to suffer through what I know will come. I am not right with God. I have fallen away. I have lost touch with my soul's only love in the name of feeling human love which I know is so inferior but my body won over my spirit. I let it happen and now I am scrambling to get back on track and I am worried.

A friend of mine once said he liked that my faith in God was not overt, but a gentle backdrop in my life. I was so disappointed by that. I can not have God anywhere in the backdrop, that is where I belong. I need to sound like a madwoman, like I am sure I do now. I need to do all I can to tell people what I have been told. To let them know that it is not a joke, not negotiable and that you can no longer put it off because it is sneaking up on you.

I have justified fornication, homosexuality, religious laxness, a woman's place, God's importance and neglect of your spirit. I have changed so much in the last two or three years, and for the worst. Yes I love my family, my friends, myself. But just because I love all those people, I have to be brutally honest. Fornication is not ok. Forgivable, yes but it sets you back ten years. Homosexuality is wrong. Forgivable, definately, but not right. God did not make you that way, somewhere down the line His purpose got twisted. You can not go through life dabbling in other people's religions because they are just pulling you away from the truth. Islam, Buddhism, Taoism, self worship, kabballa (however you spell that) and all these other religions are all twisted lies.

I dunno why I am off on this tangent, but I see myself as being so unprepared and I dunno what to do to keep from panicking. I love my God. I live to serve him but for a long time these have just been words. People hide behind their refusal to sacrifice themselves wholly for Him and justify their actions and claim they can not change the way they are. They simply choose not to. God demands all of you. That means dying to yourself. Everything that you think is ok with you, everything that you think is inherently a part of you that you believe you cannot change or that your think is too late to change.....It is possible. Die completely and do things that go against the very nature of your body and soul and only then will your spirit be able to commune with the Spirit of God.

I am not attacking, although to the average person who does not want to hear the truth that is what it sounds like. I am no spiritual guru, I do not presume to know God in His fullness or claim to live right. I am just a student. I am trying to figure out my God, because from this end He seems so confusing, but only because I have been looking through my eyes and not His. It sounds nuts, I know but I love God and I want all my loved ones to love Him too. I see my aunt's life and I see her dedication and that her life, at the end of it all seemed to have it's purpose. And I realize that sooner than not I am going to be alone with Him and all the excuses I have been feeding my mind will not work anymore.

So. I guess I am trying to say that I have reached yet another crossroads and I may have just chosen the hard path that will ostracize my friends, some family and the parts of me I have gotten so used to. But I am willing to sacrifice it all for Him. I am convicted. Hmmn. How very random. But it makes sense to me.